TimeForMe

Hi everyone -

I am an ACoA who left STBXAH in Oct. I am currently in therapy. This will be a long post but I really am overwhelmed with everything happening in my life and I don't know up from down these days.

The divorce is progressing and things with STBXAH are alternatively ok and terrible. He currently has the two dogs, and one is getting older and not moving around so well. It is breaking my heart. It is more difficult for them to be with me as I am in an apartment and the long walk to take them outside seems to be making the older one worse.

There's a guy I've been seeing on and off since I left. I know. I need to work on myself first. He is not good for me, and has had a childhood worse than my own with many unresolved issues. He is not an addict - active or recovering, but probably more co-dependent than myself.

I was out of the country this past week. This guy asked me to stay for the weekend. His 12 y.o. son is with him this weekend and I completely adore this child. In the back of my mind, I have been trying to talk myself out of this "relationship" - I do use that word loosely - but I said I'd come over. The boy answers the door and says "(Guy)'s being mean today." Uh oh. Guy has some anger issues. Never physically abusive to anyone but verbally not nice when in a bad mood.

At some point, Guy starts in on Boy - the kid didn't do anything, he was sitting there reading! -, saying Boy owes Guy respect, he's a man now, he needs to learn responsibility, but as this is going on, it's getting really mean. Cruel. The kid starts crying, Guy begins almost mocking, "you're going to pull this now? What are you upset about? You don't like what I'm saying? Be a man and tell me what you're upset about!" During this time, three times I said nicely, "Can I talk to you please?" Guys yells No.

I couldn't take any more, so I said "I'll tell you why he's crying. You are saying things in a way that are hurtful. Your tone is not nice" Etc. He stopped for a minute, says to me "Don't ever do that again." and walked out of the room. The kid is sobbing. I went to him.

As I was thinking, I was getting more and more upset. Guy's voice and tone triggered me. I could just see myself as a little girl being berated by my father, with my mother unable (unwilling?) to intervene. I was hurting for that little boy. I couldn't stand to watch that.

We had dinner, Guy was normal - I know he felt bad for what happened. After dinner, I was getting more and more upset. Eventually Guy asked what was wrong. I told him - without yelling (progress for me, yay) - that he could not treat the child like that. (The kid was in the shower so could not hear any of this). That Guy and I both grew up in that kind of household, and worse, and we both know how bad it is. Guy says "I didn't hit him", to which I reply, "your words are just as bad. You were bullying him. You can't do that. You were verbally abusive to him." He tells me I'm not the mother, nor anyone's mother, and he can do what he wants. This went on for a few minutes, I told him that I was going to go home, because that interaction earlier made me afraid of him. He said he didn't care, get out, don't come back, etc... I knocked on the bathroom door and told the boy I was going home. I could tell he was upset and asked when I was coming back. I was crying for about 15 min before this, and just hearing that poor kid's voice... Anyway, I felt I had to leave so I did.

I am so wracked with guilt for leaving that poor child there. Should I have stayed? Should I have kept quiet at the start?? What should I have done?? Trying to balance boundaries (saying something) vs co-dependency (not saying anything to "keep the peace") is really hard.

I am sick this morning thinking about last night. Over the past few months, I've been trying to get away from this man. My brain was on board with that, but my heart was not. My lesson on this is that we cannot get away from our As (or others) until we are done in our hearts. After last night, I am done. What do I do about this child???

I know there is a lesson here about my own addiction. I know I need to work on myself. In the last years of my marriage, I isolated myself because it was so hard to keep up the facade that everything was perfect. Now, I think I am depressed and I'm pretty sure isolating myself - to work on myself - is not going to help. I do not know how to balance doing different things and trying to develop some sort of "normal" social life with staying in my apartment (I work from home most of the time so it is easy to not leave for days) and potentially making this depression worse.

This is long. I know. I just needed to get it out. I will read it with objective eyes. Maybe I will gain some wisdom. I'm just SO TIRED of how hard life has been recently. I feel like I am walking in the pouring rain, head down, exhausted, just watching my feet move forward one step at a time, not knowing where I'm even going or how long I will have to keep walking. I don't think my life is so much worse than anyone else's. I'm trying not to have a pity party. I just need a break. I need someone to hug me and tell me it will be ok.

2261

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know that feeling when children are involved and all you want to do is protect them. It's a difficult place to be esp when you are not the parent. Sending you hugs.

LeeJane

Sending hugs from me too. I hear your exhaustion.

rae145

I wish we could give each other a hug. I'm feeling overwhelmed as well. It's more than hard to start a new life, and well the isolation alone is almost unbearable some days. That's when the thinking can do me in. Today I've mowed and watered the yard, will go to town (just to get out), and then this evening I'm going to work on a list of why I left since I have been rethinking my decision. Trust me, I have had to force myself to do these things.
I'm so sorry it's so hard for you.

rae145

Meant so sorry it's so hard for you, me, and others on this board. We're not alone!