amy55

I felt guilty also. I felt like that for many years. Even many years after I left.

It is sooo hard to explain to anyone how you are feeling. I tried, I tried many times. My family was the hardest on me. You see, I grew up as the scapegoat. I was the radical person in the family. I wanted to have my own values, and not what I was told that I was supposed to have. I wanted to have the friends, who were nice to me, not the friends my parents told me that I should have. I just wanted to be "me".

I wasn't allowed that. I had to have the friends my parents wanted me to have, or better yet, have no friends at all.

I think I told you all here that I was married twice. The first was, I think purely rebellion. I was pregnant at the age of 18 and married him. I thought I could move out of my house. That wasn't the case. OK, my parents were with me this time, because they couldn't stand the person that I married, and I actually agreed with them, on this one.

Oh, so my next husband, I actually did right by everyone. Everyone loved him, he could do no wrong. I was already a complete failure in everyone's eyes. This new husband was the best thing that ever happened to me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, according to my family.

It's unbelievable how much abuse I put up with from the new H and my family because of an awful mistake that I made when I was 18.

When I tried to talk about the abuse that I was going through, I was told, so is that why you always ignore him, while at parties? No, that's not why, it was because he just verbally abused me, and no one could here it, and I didn't want to put up with that anymore. I was asked many times why I seemed to go "nuts", and not speak to him at parties. Why did I always seem to try to avoid him at family parties?

I was always told how I was rebellious. After I told my family that he kicked me in the ribs, and then went to bed, I was asked, "what did you do to cause that"? After he punched me in the forehead, and left and indention in my skull, and I went to the ER, overnight, it was, what did you do to provoke him? After he threw a cup at me and left a one inch scar under my left eye, it was, what did you do to provoke this.

I can go into more, but I just don't want to think about things anymore.

Would you believe that I left about 7 1/2 years ago, and it was only in the last year that my family is not telling me that he is the best son-in-law, or brother-in-law that they ever had? I still get it occasionally now and then.

Thank God, I had friends...... Friends that did believe me, friends, that knew me, I mean really knew "me". Granted, it wasn't all friends, it was actually only 2 friends that believed me.

Guess I just wanted to say to the newcomers here, no one searches out these forums, just because..........

I think that I was blamed so far and I was actually starting to lose my own mind. You do know that once you get to that stop, you do lose your self-esteem, and self-confidence. You start to lose "yourself".

There is so much guilt being place on someone who just wants to have peace or to compromise. I realize now that in an "idealistic world", this might work. Think is , there are so many "blamers" out there, and there are so many who just want "harmony", well, where does that go???

Just know, that whoever you are, if you found this forum, you are looking for someone who understands, or you need validation, (because you have been blamed repeatedly) , and I think in a lot of cases, just checking your own sanity.

I do know that sometimes initial posts may seem harsh to you, they did to me. (Not on this forum, it was an abuse forum that I was on). I do totally agree with that sometimes the post that you may feel are the harshest, are the posts that you come back to later on.

I'm just going to say, that I hope we all have a really good day tomorrow.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy

PS........... Trust your instincts..............

JennyGrace

Guilt is a horrible load to bear. For a lot of reasons, but especially if you carry no fault.

At one point after I had learned how to let go of guilt, I felt guilty for not feeling guilty. Good grief. A codependency trait, I think. Something we 'nice' people do.

You know Amy, I always know in my heart of hearts my own level of responsibility regarding any situation. Sometimes, I have to spend time reflecting, recognizing, and then accepting my own level of participation. And after that is where I make amends. And at that point, whether I'm asking forgiveness of myself or someone else, once I do so, then I need to let it go. That's the only way peace can settle.

And after reflection...if I know in my soul, I am not responsible for someone else's issues...then I pray that I can forgive myself for accepting that unfair burden...and ask for help letting it go. Peace to you, Amy.

amy55

Hi Jenny,

Nice to meet you, and welcome to this forum.

I understood what you said, and I hold no poison in my heart anymore. I did for a long time. The thing was, the poison was killing me.

I think, I was mostly posting this to people who are always blamed and always feel guilty.

I think to this day, someone can find that "guilty button" on me to press.

I am only responsible for me, not for anyone else.

I made mistakes, I paid for them.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

mandybegins

What a horrible situation you lived in Amy! I'm so sorry that you spent so much time with that horrible man, without the support of your family!

I take too much responsibility and I carry around too much guilt. The thing is I always take responsibility for MY part and will admit to it, but then the other party seems to use that as their scapegoat to blame me. Why can't they take responsibility, too.
And you do question your sanity. Because maybe it all IS my fault. When my husband and I had a separation 10 years ago I remember talking to my friend about it all. I kept telling her all the things I did wrong. She told me that it sounded like I believed I ruined the relationship and asked why I let him off scott free?
I carried so much guilt. I think that's why I took him back. If I had been better, he would have been better. So all I had to do to make HIM better was to make ME better.

Exhausting to feel like you have responsibility for everyone else's behavior and to have other people blame you for other people's behavior. Exhausting.

I'm so happy you found your way out. I hope that you have found peace and happiness! Thank you for sharing your experiences!

Katchie

Thanks for your post Amy. I feel that guilt often too even tho I haven't been with my ex for some time now. Well, 1.7 years..lol.

I can remember the guilt I felt when I shared with my own family what was going on in my home, the guilt I felt that my husband was an alcoholic -- I felt guilty for it because I guess I felt somehow responsible for his alcoholism. It's nonsensical but that's how I felt. My dad doesn't get it. He loved my exah too and was so happy when I married him because of his standing and that of his family in my state. All appearances were just that, appearances but not reality. Guilt still creeps up from time to time especially when I see my children or when my dad makes a comment that he just hopes my exah gets over his habit, as if it were on the same level as nail biting. I'm working on this part of me as well as the part of me that always says "sorry" for things I had no part in no matter what it is. The man I'm dating right now always stops me when I do that and asks me why I apologize when it isn't my fault. I'm trying!!! It is ridiculous. Baby steps, right?

Hugs

amy55

I hate that I have talked

about what I went through. I just don't know any other way to bring up some of the remarks that you have to go through at times.

Well meaning people, always asking, but what did you do to cause this? People don't really understand what it means when the "mask is on" and when the "mask" comes off.

My friends and relatives always saw my ex at his best. He was always helping out. Then we would go home.................(the mask came off). He then showed who he really was. I think a lot of us here can associate with that.

It's the push/pull. It's the I love you/I hate you. It's the I wish you would die/I can't live without you. It's the I can't stand to be around you/ I can't go to sleep unless I hold you like a teddy bear at 8 pm. It's the feeling guilty because you no longer want to do this.

Sometimes I think I was feeling so guilty because I think I sort of pledged my life to making this marriage work. I also think that sometimes I got so wound up in that, that I wasn't seeing the fact, that I just didn't care anymore. I think I just wanted to win. But win what?

I'll say now that I engaged in a battle that I could not win. It was like, don't tell me that I'm not the woman you want, I can be submissive, I can do whatever you want. Well, that didn't work, he wanted me to be my own person, I tried that also. I was called a controlling b!tch. Why? I asked him, if you are not coming home can you give me a call and let me know. The response I received was, "who are you?, my mother". I responded, I don't know if your slept with your mother, but you sleep with me, and I would like to know if you are coming home tonight.

I think you all know that sometimes i go into rants, sometimes I do and then I delete them.

I gotta leave a story here before I hopefully forget it. My friend Sandy called me once to tell me that my ex was staying at her house. (I asked her to do that so I would know whether or not he was coming home). She told they had a really funny story to tell.

My ex and her H went to Rockaway Beach for St Patricks Day Parade. They went to pick up some snacks at a supermarket, and left the car there. They returned about 6 hours later and the car was not there. They called to report a stolen car. The cops came, they drove them up and down about 4 blocks and found the car. .................. The story here is that the cops had moved the car and they knew where it was and they were playing a joke on them............OK, in some other world I would believe that.

Ok, seriously now, drunks do fine on their own. If not, they find another nice co-dependent person.

Live your life the way you want to live it for you. I wish I took my own advice 25 years ago.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

rae145

Ahh Amy you don't know how much I appreciate your post!

amy55

Rae, so nice to meet you also.

Katchie, I am so happy that you met a really nice person.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy