You're stronger than you know
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Alaska
Posts: 22
You're stronger than you know
Hello, friends. Checking in today with a new username. SR saved my life about 6 years ago. This is where I learned the truth about alcoholism/addiction and how to eventually let go of my addict. I still come here from time to time. Today I hope I can give some encouragement and hope to those who are in those same agonizing shoes that I once wore. I also need to spill my thoughts because I'm coming off of a relapse. Brief, but still a relapse. I had to come here last night to get grounded and to reread my old posts. I needed a reality check, and SR got me back on track.
My ex has three addictions - alcohol, weed, and attention from women. When we met, they should have been enough to send a girl like me running. But I didn't know about any of it until I was already madly in love with him. He masked the addictions until he couldn't, and that's when my world crumbled. By then, he was my drug--I just didn't know it. We went through horrific ups and downs, trying to make it work. I was finally able to walk away without any drama. And then I moved over 1000 miles to start a new life. I don't remember ever feeling so happy and whole.
In a sober world, he and I are honest-to-God soulmates. We are best friends and intimate partners. We thrive on each other's company, lift each other up, laugh and cry together, start each other's engines and keep them running, call each other out when needed, and share our lives in every way imaginable. I can say that because after the first round of hell in our relationship, I found myself here at SR. I left him, he got help and worked a program, and so did I. We lived some beautiful sober years together, and life was freaking amazing. Until it wasn't. His life changed when he took on a new job. It was stressful, and his alcoholic voice kept finding excuses to justify a drink, a hit, or a kind word and a wink from a willing woman in the new workplace. He caved and quit working his program.
I quit working my program, too, and reverted to my old pleading, begging, crying, weak, out-of-control-yet-trying-to-control-everything self. I lost myself and backpedaled horribly. It was embarrassing and shameful. But I came back here, and people gently and not-so-gently reminded me I was in charge of my own happiness, and that I could get my shi* together if I really wanted to. I did. He did too, and we tried again. But his relapses kept coming. While I kept getting stronger. Thank God I did.
Last week was rough for me, however. I had to return to our hometown for an emergency. He asked to see me and I thought I was strong enough to do it. We met early in the morning, and went for a walk in a city park. Every moment we spent together was pure bliss. Seriously. Like a drug. I still love that man madly. We talked and laughed and caught up on life's bigger details. He wasn't drunk or high. I felt his genuine love. It sounds ridiculous because I know that he still uses, and that he has a girlfriend. He shared those things with me. He also misses us and he knows what we are capable of having. But he also loves booze and weed. And he's found a woman that's willing to drink and smoke with him and that works for them. Ha! At least for now. But our meeting felt like a gift. I got to spend time with a man I genuinely love. I call it a relapse because our time was so powerful that for days afterward, I had thoughts of calling him and saying, 'let's try again'. I cried and obsessed for 5 days. We have a chemistry that is heart, mind, body, and soul powerful. I was ready to give up everything.
What SR taught me is that he's entitled to live his life in whatever way he chooses. He has wounds from a wicked childhood that he may never be willing to fully face. He medicates with his chosen drugs. When he's using mind and mood-altering substances, he's not fully present. He's not himself. He uses and lies to use more.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, SR taught me to love myself and that I deserve a life free from the complete and utter chaos of addictions--his addictions and my craziness and loss of self while he's using. Going back to him would mean asking for pure chaos again.
Everything I have learned here is a valuable gem of wisdom that has given me freedom. When people told me no contact was essential for moving on, they were right. When they told me Al-Anon was critical to my well-being they were right. When they told me I was just as sick as him, they were right. When they told me his past behavior was the best predictor of his future behavior, they were right. When they described the reality of relapse, they were right.
When they told me I could do it and heal myself, that my focus needed to be on ME, they were right.
If you have read this all the way to the end, thanks for sticking with me. Ha! Thanks for letting me sort my thoughts here in my safe place. Y'all rock.
My ex has three addictions - alcohol, weed, and attention from women. When we met, they should have been enough to send a girl like me running. But I didn't know about any of it until I was already madly in love with him. He masked the addictions until he couldn't, and that's when my world crumbled. By then, he was my drug--I just didn't know it. We went through horrific ups and downs, trying to make it work. I was finally able to walk away without any drama. And then I moved over 1000 miles to start a new life. I don't remember ever feeling so happy and whole.
In a sober world, he and I are honest-to-God soulmates. We are best friends and intimate partners. We thrive on each other's company, lift each other up, laugh and cry together, start each other's engines and keep them running, call each other out when needed, and share our lives in every way imaginable. I can say that because after the first round of hell in our relationship, I found myself here at SR. I left him, he got help and worked a program, and so did I. We lived some beautiful sober years together, and life was freaking amazing. Until it wasn't. His life changed when he took on a new job. It was stressful, and his alcoholic voice kept finding excuses to justify a drink, a hit, or a kind word and a wink from a willing woman in the new workplace. He caved and quit working his program.
I quit working my program, too, and reverted to my old pleading, begging, crying, weak, out-of-control-yet-trying-to-control-everything self. I lost myself and backpedaled horribly. It was embarrassing and shameful. But I came back here, and people gently and not-so-gently reminded me I was in charge of my own happiness, and that I could get my shi* together if I really wanted to. I did. He did too, and we tried again. But his relapses kept coming. While I kept getting stronger. Thank God I did.
Last week was rough for me, however. I had to return to our hometown for an emergency. He asked to see me and I thought I was strong enough to do it. We met early in the morning, and went for a walk in a city park. Every moment we spent together was pure bliss. Seriously. Like a drug. I still love that man madly. We talked and laughed and caught up on life's bigger details. He wasn't drunk or high. I felt his genuine love. It sounds ridiculous because I know that he still uses, and that he has a girlfriend. He shared those things with me. He also misses us and he knows what we are capable of having. But he also loves booze and weed. And he's found a woman that's willing to drink and smoke with him and that works for them. Ha! At least for now. But our meeting felt like a gift. I got to spend time with a man I genuinely love. I call it a relapse because our time was so powerful that for days afterward, I had thoughts of calling him and saying, 'let's try again'. I cried and obsessed for 5 days. We have a chemistry that is heart, mind, body, and soul powerful. I was ready to give up everything.
What SR taught me is that he's entitled to live his life in whatever way he chooses. He has wounds from a wicked childhood that he may never be willing to fully face. He medicates with his chosen drugs. When he's using mind and mood-altering substances, he's not fully present. He's not himself. He uses and lies to use more.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, SR taught me to love myself and that I deserve a life free from the complete and utter chaos of addictions--his addictions and my craziness and loss of self while he's using. Going back to him would mean asking for pure chaos again.
Everything I have learned here is a valuable gem of wisdom that has given me freedom. When people told me no contact was essential for moving on, they were right. When they told me Al-Anon was critical to my well-being they were right. When they told me I was just as sick as him, they were right. When they told me his past behavior was the best predictor of his future behavior, they were right. When they described the reality of relapse, they were right.
When they told me I could do it and heal myself, that my focus needed to be on ME, they were right.
If you have read this all the way to the end, thanks for sticking with me. Ha! Thanks for letting me sort my thoughts here in my safe place. Y'all rock.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 11
I'm new to Sober Recovery and this is my first time posting. I want to thank you Jenny for sharing your story. I feel like I could have written your story myself. I am still with my AH though. I wish I had the strength to leave and stay away from him. I hope that day comes again soon. Living life this way is pure hell.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Alaska
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by bree528 
I'm new to Sober Recovery and this is my first time posting. I want to thank you Jenny for sharing your story. I feel like I could have written your story myself. I am still with my AH though. I wish I had the strength to leave and stay away from him. I hope that day comes again soon. Living life this way is pure hell.
You'll gain and use as much strength in your situation as you decide. Some days I wanted to be strong. Other days I didn't. It's hard to let go of the dream. When I made my final break, it was because staying was more painful than leaving. I'm thinking of you. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 18
I, too, appreciate your sharing, JennyGrace. The way you described feeling when with your ex is how I feel when with my AH, from whome I am living seperately. Exactly as you described, he is my drug as well.
It's encouraging to see your story. I am trying to learn to love myself more than I love him. Thanks for sharing that it CAN be done. ��
It's encouraging to see your story. I am trying to learn to love myself more than I love him. Thanks for sharing that it CAN be done. ��
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Thank you so much for sharing JennyGrace. Your post really spoke to me. I remember contemplating for months and months about whether to leave my ex fiance or to stay and go through with the wedding. And one day I got fed up of the lies, the chaos, I left. But I am still struggling. Even though I have moved myself from the chaos physically, even though I have educated myself enough of this disease that my mind constantly reminds me that I should not go back to him, its my heart and the emotional dependency that I , at present, have little control over. I am unable to practice the no contact rule. He is truly my drug and until I don't call him, I feel like I cannot function. Some day I will be as strong as you are. I have also started going to Al-anon and I am getting one on one therapy.
Again, Thank you for posting
Again, Thank you for posting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Alaska
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by HopingForCure
Thank you so much for sharing JennyGrace. Your post really spoke to me. I remember contemplating for months and months about whether to leave my ex fiance or to stay and go through with the wedding. And one day I got fed up of the lies, the chaos, I left. But I am still struggling. Even though I have moved myself from the chaos physically, even though I have educated myself enough of this disease that my mind constantly reminds me that I should not go back to him, its my heart and the emotional dependency that I , at present, have little control over. I am unable to practice the no contact rule. He is truly my drug and until I don't call him, I feel like I cannot function. Some day I will be as strong as you are. I have also started going to Al-anon and I am getting one on one therapy.
Again, Thank you for posting
Again, Thank you for posting
Over a year ago, I started missing my family. They were over a thousand miles away. A move seemed monumental. But I did it. I quit my job, not knowing if I'd have work where I was moving. And six weeks after I quit, a job opened up where I was moving to...and just like that, I was hired in a telephone interview....in a full-time job, in my lifelong career, with insurance benefits for my kids and me. Wow. Seriously, just wow!
And then I got here, and I loved my job. I found a beautiful rental home in an ideal location and started all over with decorating and designing my home to make it my perfect nest. Before I moved, I had sold all my furniture and everything except my kitchen goods and my clothes. I completely started over.
It has been a blast. Before my emergency trip (to my previous town where I just saw my ex), I literally found myself with tears in my eyes one day, thinking, "MY LIFE IS AMAZING. How can I be so blessed to have what I have???"
The thing is, it happened gradually. My peace came from no contact with him, by grinding it out--day by day--choosing to do things that either helped myself or someone less fortunate.
Letting go of someone you love is pppaaaiiinnnfffuuulll... hellish, really. Hellish. I get it. I feel your pain. But you CAN do it. You can. I promise.
Congratulations to you for choosing Alanon and therapy. They are so worth it. And you're here. It was my greatest therapy. It can be yours too. Keep at it. Try to get through tomorrow without contacting him. The fix of hearing his voice and whatever he says that soothes you, is a temporary fix to your emotions. Like a temporary high. Until you let go of that, you won't learn how to soothe yourself. You CAN do it. You can. Thinking of you. Hugs to you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
