Dame

This is my first post, although I have been following for months. I'm ready to make a commitment to someone besides my SO. I "officially" quit drinking May 30, 2016 and stayed true for a month. Since then I have had 4 single night lapses - one last night. My third lapse was such a binge that hated the alcohol and I vomited profusely. Last night I bought some cheap champagne (the ONLY alcohol I ever really liked - very low alcohol) but could only drink three glasses. It tasted awful and made me sick right away. I guess my body has decided for me. Now I have to deal with all of the mental and "life stuff" I avoided for my 3 years of drinking. I'm afraid and feeling very lonely. Thanks for listening. btw: I still consider May 30 my quit day. It's been nearly 2 months and I am not going to not count the progress I made and what I have learned.

Berrybean

Glad you've posted and reached out. Congratulations on your sobriety so far. Why settle for sobriety when you could have recovery though? Why not make a plan of action today? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-2.html

ScottFromWI

Welcome to the posting side of things Dame. Most of us were at the point you are at right now - where drinking simply doesn't work anymore/causes more bad than good. So we understand what you are going through and that it's not very pleasant at all.

Were you following any type of formal recovery plan ( meetings, therapy, rehab, etc ) after deciding to quit? There's a whole lot more to sobriety than just not drinking alcohol.

Regarding the day counting ( or not ) that's completely up to you. Some folks start counting from the day they had their last drink of any amount, others don't count at all.

Dame

I was completely committed after Hospitalization and 6 days in the ICU in May. I made it for a month - which was amazing for me. The truth is that I was suicidal. I am 55 and 3 yrs ago perimenopause sent me spiraling. My entire identity changed. I was a social drinker in my 20's, and a complete teatotaller until 2013. I could not cope with anything then, and now I am back at that point. I'm terrified of what may or may not lie in the future.
Also, my psych doc fired me suddenly (and quite brutally) a year ago. There were no others available so I have not had my meds. Despite 12 yrs of higher ed., I am disabled and very poor. There may be a psych doc willing to take me. I hope.
I know I'm rambling. I don't know HOW to make a plan, I am so terrified every single minute that I can't see a future. I do have a loving (abstinent) partner of 25 years, but all of this is so very very hard and stressful for him. Thanks for listening and replying.

brooks1974

Welcome Dame, we have all been there. I was sober for 2 years and fell back into the hole. I am on day two, I find yoga, mediation, and chatting on here very helpful. I became sober writing and listening to everyone on here. Take one day at a time and focus on the positives in your life.

brooks1974

Dame

A lot of my fear stems from my surroundings. IT's a small 'city' (pop 200 thousand) very political, everyone knows everyone's business. I have come to hate doctors because they are all affiliated, do not understand addiction or mental illness fully. I have been fired and my medical reputation destroyed by 2 already.
AA is not yet an option for me, and I am frightened of going to the "Medicaid" clinic where I can supposedly find a "counselor" who is badly paid, uninterested and to whom I don't feel I can trust my secrets. I DON'T TRUST ANYONE right now, but I do feel safe here. Everyone always says "go see your doctor here." But, for me, they are hard to find and they are unforgiving and downright cruel. Sorry, I'm so negative, but this is a very negative place. I wish I could move.

tomsteve

"AA is not yet an option for me.."

care to elaborate on the "yet?"

I grew up in a town of 3000. 200k is pretty big. no, everyone doesn't know everyones business.
even in a town of 3000, I wasn't that important. very few people even knew I existed.

Dame

So glad you are doing well. During my 32 yrs. of abstinence exercise was my 2cnd favorite passion. I want to return to this, but - :0 It seems like "when it rains it pours" because I have 2 fractured toes and possibly 1 on the other foot, and the inactivity is driving me nuts. I hope to get these health issues resolved though. I shouldn't view that as my only resource, tho. Just talking to you folks has really helped. Thanks so very much. I have gotten so much inspiration from this site. Everyone here is so brave.

Dame

Not sure how to answer. I don't subscribe to AA's methods, but there is so little support available in this town that I might go simply to be around other people and keep my opinions to myself. I won't be "sharing." I and my SO lead a fairly isolated life. Even after 23 yrs. I've yet to make any friends. It's a political town, most people work for the govt. and people are "typed" very quickly. Income and social status are a highly regulated means of becoming social. Sounds bad, I know.

Dame

Tom, Sorry I forgot. The population may sound large, but the mindset is very "small town." Gossip is the primary currency here. Everyone really does know everyone's business - if that "everyone" is in any way different from the norm. The powerful literally go out of their way to make the powerless miserable. Who has that kind of time? If I told you my location, I don't think you'd be surprised. Maybe I just need the courage to move. Would love to.

tomsteve

you could move, but wherever you go, there you are.

Dame

So true. After posting these comments I realize that I simply have an addictive personality. I need to learn better coping skills.
But moving would be a dream come true.

Berrybean

Thing is, you might not subscribe to their methods, but, frankly, what you've been doing doesn't seem to be working for you. Possibly time to get willing and open your mind to trying a few things. At the moment you are allowing yourself to be driven by fear. Fear of judgement. Fear of what other people may think of you. Fear of opening yourself up. Yet you are living in a painful place. It could be time to accept some help.

There is plenty of information about making a plan available. Dee's thread is pretty comprehensive. Have you actually looked at it? I was held back a long time by my ego. I thought I knew best, even when all the evidence indicated otherwise. I was one of many who prolonged their misery through contempt prior to investigation. Thankfully I got to the stage where I was a special kind of desperate, and found some willingness. If AA and the steps didn't save my life, it certainly saved my sanity.

By the way. You wouldn't have to share in meetings if you went to AA . No one has to speak in a meeting. In fact, listening is the most important thing you can do. I do share about day to day stuff, and general experiences, but my more personal stuff is strictly between me and my sponsor, who I chose because I trust her, and she has the kind of sobriety that I want for myself.

Dee74

Welcome Dame - you'll find a lot of support here

Do have a look at the link Berrybean posted - it's a great, easy to read, link on making recovery plans

Hevyn

It's so good to have you with us, Dame. You are in the best place ever for understanding & friendship.

Dame

Oh my goodness. All of these replies. I am crying now, and even though it hurts I need to I guess. Thank you for the welcome Dee. I admire you so. All of you. I admit that I am overwhelmed with self-pity, but I try to be realistic about what has been going on, and unfortunately I have been treated pretty poorly despite having asked for help so many times.
My first psychiatrist got so tired of dealing with the pervasive paranoia that affected so many of his patients that he finally pulled up stakes and got out of town. And he isn't the only healthcare provider to do so. This area is very conservative, racist, classist.......sigh. Essentially, people hate their jobs and are extraordinarily bored. They work. Otherwise they shop, eat, drink to excess (very unhealthy, overweight, drunken, angry and frustrated). You can either join in or keep to yourself.
I was a solitary drinker, and I hated every minute of it. I loved being a non-drinker, but when I turned 50+ I decided that it was time to 'speak up' and stop being so accommodating. I paid for it. Hard. I have no regrets about any of my behavior. I DO feel mighty bad about the way I've treated by SO of 25 yrs. He has put up with all of it and more. But he has also enabled me. Maybe working on teaching him to not do that could be a goal. He is stubborn, tho.
I will re-think AA. It isn't arrogance. It's fear. But I have heard good things. Also, I have been reading many of Dee's posts. Guess I haven't found the part about planning yet. I am hoping that - here - I will find the Dame that I lost. I want to be positive. I want to be helpful too. I'm starting to remember how good it used to feel to help others (loved being a teacher). But now I need to learn. Thanks for the warm welcome. I have read so many of your stories and they give all of us lurkers hope.

Hevyn

It's been a relief to be able to talk things over with people who really understand. It made a huge difference to me when I first came here, and I never left. I'm really glad you found us, Dame. I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced. Hopefully you can turn things around and enjoy the rest of your life.

Dee74

Here's the link to the recovery plan thread again Dame

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Dame

Hevyn and Dee. Thank you. This feels so safe. It's beautiful. But I know this is only the beginning. I hope that you'll be patient with me. I want to be a loving, caring person again instead of an angry mess. So glad I joined. So glad you are all in this world. Maybe this is all happening for a reason.
And I found the thread Dee. Lotsa read'in ahead!

tomsteve

im willing to bet that if you get some courage to overcome that fear of AA, you will find a great group of sober crazy people that like to help others, love life and having fun. you MIGHT run into someone you know, but wouldn't that be a blessing!?!?!?! better than running into them in a bar while knee walkin drunk!

have you read the big book of AA?