CentralOhioDad

So, I was out on my nightly walk, having a chat with God, when I came upon two that maybe will help someone.

First - passing out is not always bad! Huh? You say! Once they pass out, at least in my case, they now quiet, she is no longer emotional, there is peace. I was hoping she would be out by the time I came back, and I was right therefore I wasn't going to get caught up in some meaningless conversation that seems to happen more than I'd like.

Secondly, we, meaning us on the Forum, say that if we leave the alcoholic, that we "are breaking up the home". Was not the general dynamic of the whole house already broken before we decide, and do, leave? The unhealthiness of the actions already present make it broken, right? So in reality, we might be truly fixing things with our selves, or our children, if we leave the alcoholic to their own destructiveness. We say that the alcoholics are self-destructive, but not only unto themselves does this destruction have its effects - it is on everyone and everything.

Anyway, this is what I came up with last night, and I thought I would share with the class.

Hope you all have a peaceful day.

COD

SparkleKitty

No "might" about it, my friend.

Ariesagain

When the best you can hope for you and your children is that your wife/their mother will be unconscious...

Sending you strength.

atalose

Looks like you are beginning to make your way out of the FOG.

Starting to see and think of things in a different light.

((hugs))

Hayfmr

I am in total agreement with you on the passing out. My AW is currently staying in a an empty rental unit we own. Sure is nice at home now.

I consider the A's relationship with the bottle to be no different than having an affair. It's just that their affair is with a booze bottle. The wedding vows said in sickness and in health. No where did it say making bad destructive choices.

hopeful4

You are seeing the light COD.

I remember when my X would pass out on the living room floor. I told the kids he was taking a "nap." We would just step right over him. Yes, it was more peaceful b/c he would be quiet and we would not have to deal with him...for that moment. We all know, they eventually wake up and start the toxic cycle again and again. My reaction became part of that toxicity b/c I became so angry at all of this that I started to become someone I did not want to be. No happiness, just going through the motions in a very angry manner. Miserable.

While it's sad that the home is broken, I DID NOT BREAK IT. His behaviors broke our home, no matter what he wants to say or do. Once he was out, a million pounds was lifted off my shoulders, and I gave myself permission to work on becoming the person I want to be, making for a much happier home.

mandybegins

Yep, I feel the same way about the passing out. Once he passes out, we can all be us again. Eggshells until then.

And maybe getting away from it is the best thing we can all do.

I'm just beginning to understand all of this.

pndm07

I agree - it was broken already, due to the A. We are just deciding not to stay and continually being the ones picking up the pieces and cleaning up the mess.

firebolt

It's amazing what can happen during the course of an evening walk!

Those observations add up quickly...and lead us to fast, concise, and unstoppable action. Careful...you might end up in a really, really peaceful happy place on day

Caretaker just posted a link to this thread. Enjoy.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...89176-not.html

TropicalWinter

I'm not a huge fan of Dr. Phil, but something he said about children and broken homes has really stuck with me - children would rather come FROM a broken home than live IN one.

Life with my AH in the house, while he wasn't outright abusive, was certainly very toxic, and our home was very, very broken while he lived here. I accepted the unacceptable for far too long. Him leaving has helped my kids and me on the path to become healthy and whole.

LeeJane

When my A father left home when I was 12 it was a great relief to me and my siblings. Some normality.

Nero427

I took solace in that back before my divorce. But looking back on it, it was a horrible way to live. Constantly wishing my wife would just pass out...

BananaTree

Couldn't agree with you more! The kids and I sneak around trying not to ingage until he finally passes out. Then we go about our day! It is so sad.

I too have become someone I don't want to be. He told me the other night that I was mean to the kids. I think I am and that is not me at all. My anger is all with him. I apologized to the kids and told them things will change...

Move date is Aug 1st!!!!😃

firebolt

^^ Right around the corner, BT! Happy for ya!

redatlanta

Eureka COD!!!! You are getting it!

JennyGrace

I prayed and prayed that God would heal my alcoholic husband and heal our broken home. It didn't happen. My ex left me with our babies, but to this day, I am thankful that our children weren't raised in an alcoholic home.

Years later, I prayed and prayed that God would heal my alcoholic boyfriend so that we could spend our lives together. He's still drinking and we're no longer together, but through that relationship I found my own healing from my own childhood wounds, so I'm thankful for that. Our prayers aren't always answered the way we expect.

I think so often we try to do what's 'right' (and honorably so) by not breaking up the home, that we stand in the way of some better plan that God has for us. Those chats with God are awesome when we listen carefully. I'm not always so good at that. It sounds like you may be.

Refiner

Omg. I'm a ACOA but never thought it really affected me in my adult life that much. Through this site I've learned of King Baby Syndrome and my Mom even telling me almost nightly while rejoicing "The Baby's asleep" my cue for the fact that we can relax, be ourselves, and have FUN. Don't know how this has really affected me in my adult life (I'm now 53), but I acknowledge this is how I grew up.

JennyGrace

I'm also an ACOA and it absolutely affected me even though my alcoholic father was OUT of the picture after age 7. It affected all my younger siblings, even my youngest sibling who was only a few months old when AF left us.

COD, I think there is always a red flag for me...whether the broken home is saved or not, a child of an alcoholic will probably grow up to have some level of injury. It's a sad truth. It's an abandonment wound. But that sounds hopeless, and I don't mean to imply hopelessness either. Just to stress the importance of age-appropriate honesty and good, healthy parenting/counseling by the other parent.

Thomas45

The alcoholic breaks up their home every day that they choose to pick up the drink.