I need you to be my backbone...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
I need you to be my backbone...
Found out AH stole money from my person bank account. Credit card fraud. I need the money not to mention I work very hard for it. This is obvious.. Not sure why I am having to convince myself of this. I've called my bank, they've cancelled my card and will send a new one to prevent any further drafts. I am sick. I am embarrassed. And I am ashamed that I am hesitant to report the fraud. Clearly I have a lot of work to still do. Please be my backbone. Help me convince myself I need to go through with reporting the fraud, despite what could happen to him as a result.
I give great advice to others, but it is hard to take it myself. Embarrassing.
I give great advice to others, but it is hard to take it myself. Embarrassing.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's hard, but you need to do this. He STOLE from you. What if it was someone else, a stranger. You would not hesitate to report it. This is worse, not a stranger at all.
You worked hard to earn that money, you deserve that money. You need to report it.
I am sorry this has happened.
You worked hard to earn that money, you deserve that money. You need to report it.
I am sorry this has happened.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I can't give advice really because I never reported my son. I can say though that if I knew then what I know now, I would have. We are so afraid to let them deal with the consequences of their actions but what about us? Should you have to deal with not having the needed money you worked hard for?
Having to deal with the consequences of his actions may just be what opens his eyes to the fact that he needs help. If it doesn't, at least you have let him know that he can't get away with doing it to you again.
Having to deal with the consequences of his actions may just be what opens his eyes to the fact that he needs help. If it doesn't, at least you have let him know that he can't get away with doing it to you again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 168
I'm sorry to hear about this, and don't feel ashamed about being hesistant - when it's our LO, it's difficult to do what needs to be done. This isn't just some stranger, it's your husband. There are a few things I wish I had done with my AS, but I didn't because: a) I was scared of looking like the bad guy, and b) I was scared if she had tougher consequences, it might be more difficult for her to get better. More so it was the first one; as you can see, codependency is a major defect of mine.
When an addict doesn`t have to face consequences of their actions, they`re going to repeat the action again. My AS did it, back in the day I did it, and I`ve seen it done countless other times. ``Just one more time`` is a lie we tell ourselves.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
When an addict doesn`t have to face consequences of their actions, they`re going to repeat the action again. My AS did it, back in the day I did it, and I`ve seen it done countless other times. ``Just one more time`` is a lie we tell ourselves.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If there is one thing I regret about the way I handled things with my son it is that I didn't report him, I didn't call the police and I bailed him out of jail once.
I can't tell you what to do, I remember how afraid I was to do anything. But if the same thing happened today, I know I would report it in a heartbeat.
If your husband works or has any income, perhaps give him the option of repaying you with the promise to never do it again...or you WILL report it next time. Not sure if that will do any good but at least you will no longer pretend that everything is okay.
Isn't it ironic that we would allow our loved ones to do to us what we would call the police on if anyone else in the world did it?
The saddest part of all this? My son KNEW I wouldn't report him and did it again and again.
Good luck, and for the record, I AM cheering you on.
Hugs
I can't tell you what to do, I remember how afraid I was to do anything. But if the same thing happened today, I know I would report it in a heartbeat.
If your husband works or has any income, perhaps give him the option of repaying you with the promise to never do it again...or you WILL report it next time. Not sure if that will do any good but at least you will no longer pretend that everything is okay.
Isn't it ironic that we would allow our loved ones to do to us what we would call the police on if anyone else in the world did it?
The saddest part of all this? My son KNEW I wouldn't report him and did it again and again.
Good luck, and for the record, I AM cheering you on.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Thank you everyone for the support. Hearing it from rational minds who are not so emotionally involved in my particular situation is very helpful. I filed a claim with my bank's fraud department, and gave them his info.
Ann - He isn't working. Not living with me. No car. No phone. Nothing. Hoping his rock bottom is around the corner, but not banking on it anymore... Anyways, him paying me back simply won't happen. I really appreciate your feedback though. Hindsight is often 20/20, and it helps to know what you might would do differently if you could. Helps me know what is best for me to do now.
Atalose - It is honestly hard for me to pinpoint. My codependent voice used to be very loud and controlled my decision making. Now I hear it in the background trying to get through to me and tell me he will hurt if he has to go to jail - he will be scared. He's a sick person who needs help, so why beat him while he's down? Those are the thoughts, but they are drowning out over the course of time and through experience. More rational thoughts are finally returning. Likely because I am living separate from him and hearing from him only very occasionally now...
Ann - He isn't working. Not living with me. No car. No phone. Nothing. Hoping his rock bottom is around the corner, but not banking on it anymore... Anyways, him paying me back simply won't happen. I really appreciate your feedback though. Hindsight is often 20/20, and it helps to know what you might would do differently if you could. Helps me know what is best for me to do now.
Atalose - It is honestly hard for me to pinpoint. My codependent voice used to be very loud and controlled my decision making. Now I hear it in the background trying to get through to me and tell me he will hurt if he has to go to jail - he will be scared. He's a sick person who needs help, so why beat him while he's down? Those are the thoughts, but they are drowning out over the course of time and through experience. More rational thoughts are finally returning. Likely because I am living separate from him and hearing from him only very occasionally now...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
I'm SO sorry and absolutely feel for you!! Been there many times, and like others have said, letting him experience consequences of his actions is the LOVING thing to do.
On the purely financial side, if you report the fraud to your bank or credit card, which it sounds like you have, they must refund the fraudulent charges. I'm embarrassed to say I've done it multiple times with my husband (now ex). I'd say I've canceled/replaced cards at least 7 times and been refunded well over $1k total.
The only time I wasn't refunded is when he stole my debit card to withdraw cash, and when he stole checks and forged my name. Plus all the overdraft fees. I SHOULD have filed a police report but sadly I didn't have the courage.
God bless and hang in there!!
On the purely financial side, if you report the fraud to your bank or credit card, which it sounds like you have, they must refund the fraudulent charges. I'm embarrassed to say I've done it multiple times with my husband (now ex). I'd say I've canceled/replaced cards at least 7 times and been refunded well over $1k total.
The only time I wasn't refunded is when he stole my debit card to withdraw cash, and when he stole checks and forged my name. Plus all the overdraft fees. I SHOULD have filed a police report but sadly I didn't have the courage.
God bless and hang in there!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: big city in Europe
Posts: 6
Hello Hope,
I am very sorry that this happened to you and I can very well understand how bad you feel and how difficult this is for you.
One thought that helped me in situations where my heart blocked my brain and kept me away from doing what's in my own best interest was to tell to myself:
The person who did that to me is not basically a bad and evil person. I don't have to react on him/her "being bad" in total. But he/she did a very bad thing to me and I cannot let people do bad things to me. So I need to act against that bad thing in order to protect myself. And I am allowed to do so. Because this is just what is necessary. Reacting on a bad deed is something I can do. And since most people learned from early age that doing something bad brings some bad consequences, the other person will not be too surprised by my reaction. It is a normal reaction and maybe also the other person would react the same way (e.g. report if somebody stole from him). So if he needs to go to jail for it, he probably will hurt. But maybe on a deeper level he will understand why he ended up there. It is just what happens when you commit a crime and get caught. Not pleasant. But some kind of predictability in an otherwise chaotic world of addiction.
For me it's very much about focussing on the bad action, not on the "value" of the person itself.
Focusing on this difference is always very important for me because even the worst behavior from the other person doesn't take my love away from them. I often felt I am not able to protect myself against somebody I love. But this is not true. It is just a wrong "rule" coming from my codie-heart. Still, for my codie-heart, it would be too much to see him as BEING "totally bad" and to have to react on that. But it has become more manageable for me to recognize when he DOES something bad and to react on this deed with zero tolerance.
I am sorry if this isn't expressed very precisely. English is not my first language and it is a very difficult thought to express anyway...
Still I hope it is understandable...
Whishing you all the best,
Suzan
I am very sorry that this happened to you and I can very well understand how bad you feel and how difficult this is for you.
One thought that helped me in situations where my heart blocked my brain and kept me away from doing what's in my own best interest was to tell to myself:
The person who did that to me is not basically a bad and evil person. I don't have to react on him/her "being bad" in total. But he/she did a very bad thing to me and I cannot let people do bad things to me. So I need to act against that bad thing in order to protect myself. And I am allowed to do so. Because this is just what is necessary. Reacting on a bad deed is something I can do. And since most people learned from early age that doing something bad brings some bad consequences, the other person will not be too surprised by my reaction. It is a normal reaction and maybe also the other person would react the same way (e.g. report if somebody stole from him). So if he needs to go to jail for it, he probably will hurt. But maybe on a deeper level he will understand why he ended up there. It is just what happens when you commit a crime and get caught. Not pleasant. But some kind of predictability in an otherwise chaotic world of addiction.
For me it's very much about focussing on the bad action, not on the "value" of the person itself.
Focusing on this difference is always very important for me because even the worst behavior from the other person doesn't take my love away from them. I often felt I am not able to protect myself against somebody I love. But this is not true. It is just a wrong "rule" coming from my codie-heart. Still, for my codie-heart, it would be too much to see him as BEING "totally bad" and to have to react on that. But it has become more manageable for me to recognize when he DOES something bad and to react on this deed with zero tolerance.
I am sorry if this isn't expressed very precisely. English is not my first language and it is a very difficult thought to express anyway...
Still I hope it is understandable...
Whishing you all the best,
Suzan
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by ella213 
On the purely financial side, if you report the fraud to your bank or credit card, which it sounds like you have, they must refund the fraudulent charges.
I am glad to hear that just because we are still married doesn't mean I automatically disqualify from getting my refund.Thanks for the encouragement.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
WritingSuzan - It makes perfect sense. Thank you. Essentially, you can hate the act, but love the person. Or... hate the sin, love the sinner. For a long time I believed that allowing potentially painful consequences to happen to AH meant I did not love him or want to protect him. I've now learned(and continue to remind myself every day) that is not the case...
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Now I hear it in the background trying to get through to me and tell me he will hurt if he has to go to jail - he will be scared. He's a sick person who needs help, so why beat him while he's down?
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