LoveMeNow

Hi SR friends,

Warning....I have been sick the last couple of days with a bad sinus infection. AND I just had limited contact via text with my AXH. It was so limited that it has been really bugging me.

Me - are you putting money in my account today?
Him - Can I do it tomorrow?
Me- No, today plz.
Him - just left bank. It's in there!
Me - thank you

What? No? Hi, how are you doing? Not even a "your welcome." He has become a stranger....with 1 outstanding bill to address!

I try hard to be a good and loving person. I ask God almost daily to help me to forgive him, forgive myself and to help me heal. And for the most part, I am so much happier. But tonight, I heard a once special song and it bought back so much anger.

Tonight, as I sit here alone, feeling sick, in another state trying to rebuild my life....I literally despise him. I hate him, what he became, what he did to himself, to us and our family.

It bothers me that he is already with another woman because it bothers me that I don't want anyone. It bothers me that I have become so jaded about "love." I don't see too many happy or healthy relationships, I honestly don't. It bothers me that I am not sure if I can ever trust someone again completely. It bothers me that my niece is getting married and I secretly think "I give it 5 years max!" And I really don't want to attend! I think he is a huge mistake. Ugh...I never thought I would be that person!

And ya know what else bothers me.....I can cut someone out of my life very quickly and painlessly and without any anger. If they say or do something to me that I don't like, I am done and they don't even know it. I just stop returning calls or texts. Done! And I really don't miss them either! (Excludes long term friendships)

I am thinking the pendulum has swung too far to the other side.

Ok, that's my rant for today. I hope and pray tomorrow is a much better day and no one in my inner circle offends me!

Ann

Awww, sweetie, nobody said that there wouldn't be some bad days, but they become fewer with time and the good days become more frequent.

Read that again, see the progress. You are not cold hearted or jaded at all, you are healing and taking time for your heart to be strong enough to even consider sharing it with anyone. You are making a new life for yourself, all by yourself and you are doing one heck of a great job with your "new beginnings", finding your own strength and likes and dislikes and living a life of peace. That's healthy, that's recovery, that's what strong, good people do.

I am sending hugs and cheesecake, because I know you could use both, and if I were your neighbour we would go out today into nature and watch birds and deer and lovely wildflowers and laugh until our sides hurt.

Love you lots, I'm glad you share here and get it out.

Hugs and Hugs

P.S. Please notice that I did not mention "him" because this is all about you and how well you are doing. Poo and a pox on anyone who messes with that.

Sephra

After my divorce, I was jaded for a long time. I had lost the belief in anything and everything, lost my footing. I saw others who had moved on and was angry at that. After a few years, I pushed myself to get back out there, because I thought I was supposed to. After that I gave up and just became happy with myself. Then, I met someone who made me want to believe in forever again. Even after that, it took me a long time to let walls down and begin to trust again.
I know that you are hurting so bad right now. I also know, that you wont always feel this way. Trust that. Hugs to you, it will get better than this. You ARE rebuilding your life, you're doing it! And it can be so much better than it was, even if you can't see around that next corner yet.

hopeful4

LMN...I don't think the pendulum swings that way forever. Overall, it's not been a long time. I think it's pretty normal to feel jaded for a while. You are hurt, you are angry. You feel slighted and upset that he can so easily move on. Here is the thing, he will move on from one unhealthy relationship to the next b/c he is an unhealthy person. You on the other hand are figuring out what is and isn't healthy mentally, and are not ready to move into a quick relationship. That is a good thing, not a bad one.

I get it. My X thinks I am a bitter old maid who will never be with anyone. It makes me bad b/c really he has put me through such a ringer that I have no interest in having a relationship. I don't trust that right now. It would have to be the perfect man, which is not right b/c I am not perfect by any means.

I just want you to know that I understand, and send you lots of hugs!

LoveMeNow

Thanks guys! I am happy to see there is still hope for me.

Still feeling awful, another day at home with my thoughts. That's never good, lol.

I am starting to wonder if I was just avoiding my feelings lately by staying so busy as opposed to processing them and then releasing them. I am so thankful that I can come here, share and feel supported.

hopeful4

We absolutely support you and understand LMN!!!!

Ann

I don't know if you have tried meetings, but maybe give it a shot. You will make friends and be with people who truly understand what you are going through. It can't hurt and I think you'd like them once you got the hang of it.

Or...we could all come over and have our own meeting on your back porch...not the front verandah because the neighbours mights see and be jealous.

Your choice, I hate to be pushy *snork* so will back off now.

Hugs

LoveMeNow

Oh how I wish so many of you lived closer!

I have been thinking about meetings a lot lately. Hmmmmmm......

Jaeger

I love my home group! I know without a doubt that I could call on them for anything.

Ann

Stop thinking and start doing, Grasshopper.

By the way...I know how hard this has been for you from day one, so give yourself a break and look at how very far you have come.

*cough*And go to a meeting.*cough*

AdelineRose

You are such a strong, intelligent, caring, loving, and amazing person. Don't be so hard on yourself, we all have those days where we see everything in the negative. You have so much to be proud of, you stood up for yourself..you decided you would create the life that you deserved..that is AMAZING. It is also HEALTHY to not just jump from relationship to relationship- you are making sure you are healed and in the right spot before you add another person into the equation and that shows you are healthy and moving in the right direction. While you might feel like you are a little detached right now, think back how hard it was for you to say no before..and now you are able to do what is best for you. Things will all even out in time..one thing is for certain though, you are strong and independent and will not give up on yourself and that is amazing.

LoveMeNow

Oh how I wish my inner voice sounded like this!

Anaya

A little late to the thread but wanting to send more hugs, support and thumbs up your way for continuing to seek a healthier and happier journey.

As Ann, the generous bearer of cheesecake and loads of wisdom has shared, "By the way...I know how hard this has been for you from day one, so give yourself a break and look at how very far you have come." I agree

allthatsgood

Oh how I wish so many of you lived closer!

I have been thinking about meetings a lot lately. Hmmmmmm......

Come to NYC LMN - we can go together! Nice to see an old familiar face here! Xoxo

Hechosedrugs

I'm so sorry. It's like entering a parallel universe. The person who was once closest to you suddenly becomes mean and cold, and if your situation is anything like mine, his friends and family do, too. It's very strange and hard to find your footing. But you will. I have good days and bad days.

Best wishes.

Refiner

LMN I'm just getting over a sinus infection too! They're awful! Anyway, after reading your post, it sounds like Good Ole Healthy Healing that's going on to me. It ain't ever purty - kind of like a sinus infection!! I went through a divorce and know all about the ugly transition to a new and better life... one that was MINE and not dependent on another to make me "feel" and "be". You will get there, I can tell by the things you say! It just doesn't happen overnight. Hang in there!

LoveMeNow

Hi allthatsgood! Nice to see you too! NYC?? Would love to visit there, lol!

XOX