Calicofish

I've been meaning to write for awhile now. I quit drinking in Feb. 2015 and I really thought I'd be further along on a rosy road. I left a miserable marriage in Feb. 2014 between leaving and quitting drinking - that year was interesting and it almost killed me. I really think I suffered an emotional breakdown and somehow managed to quit drinking.

I'd love to say it's been all rosy, but it hasn't. I've had to face many challenges - moving to a new place, not knowing anyone, family moving away, marriage done, death of my dog, death of a couple of friends, dealing with my dad's dementia, contracting pneumonia in Jan, and just dealing with life - without numbing myself.

I thought by this time I'd be further ahead in my social life, but there's no one special in my life (despite trying). I'm alone most of the time. I do try to be social - I've joined community things, but for a middle aged, separated woman, people just don't invite you out.

My anxiety comes and goes and there's been a few times where I thought...hmmm - I know what will relieve this awful anxiety. But - I've not taken that path because I know it's just a temporary relief and afterwards I'd just be worse.

I bought a second hand bike a week or so ago and have started biking. It feels really good to have the wind blowing on my face and the sun shining on my body. I think it's been really helping my anxiety too. I walk my dogs on the beach - and I really like that (and so do they). I'm working towards getting my separation completed, so that I will finally have closure. I've connected with some old friends. I'm hoping to get a job in Sept. - one that I hope won't cause me to have crippling anxiety.

I read SR every day and although I don't post often or get involved here, I do find a lot of wisdom and support - especially reading posts from those who are struggling with Day 1.

I guess I just need to talk a bit because I was so hoping that my life would be further along. I guess things take time and I am truly grateful to be alive.

Thanks for reading.

january161992

Nothing fixes my anxiety and stress like working with newcomers

I go to the Salvation Army every Tuesday (ha thats today!) and work with new guys

My weekly service commitment where I am accountable

Glad you mentioned exercise ... very important for me

God bless

firstymer

I remember your posts, calicofish. I enjoyed them a lot.

And I am sorry that you have had so many struggles lately. But none of them were a result of you being sober, right? In fact, the only thing that would have made your troubles worse would be if you would have tried to deal with them while being drunk.

You have had more than your share of struggles lately. But I am sure your luck will change soon.

In the meantime, I hope you will stay close to us here at SR. And I hope you will post more often.

fini

calico, i know that feeling/those thoughts.
and that's what they were: feelings and thoughts. a perspective.
partly fed by expectations (don't know where they came from, exactly...but a lot from thinking that drinking was the real and only problem and therefore by removing drinking all would mostly be just dandy) and partly by comparing.

took me a long time to stop doing that and though i intellectually knew i needed to accept where i was at , to accept it emotionally and , hm, with consent that it was okay to be just where i was...well, that's what allowed me to move on from there.
without accepting where i actually was, there was no real starting point to build on.

ZenLifter

Hi Calico, and congratulations on your sober time . It sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things in terms of your recovery. I find that for myself, when I start thinking that my life should be more like this or that, or that I should be "better" than what I am in this stage of recovery, that's when I start getting down on myself, beating myself up, you know? As someone put it, "you can only be where you're at." And each moment of our journey is perfect as it is

And I should listen to my own advice more often... Lol

Dee74

I'm glad to hear from you again Calicofish

I think most of us want a happy active social life and maybe someone special.

If you keep working towards those things there's absolutely no reason why you won't find them in time.

I found getting comfortable with myself and who I was to be absolutely key in this phase. It took me a while to get comfortable with myself though - I had 30-40 years of 'stuff' to sift through first?

D

D

uncorked

Hi calico, sounds like we have a lot in common. I have also become sober in the middle of a divorce. I'm 52 and trying to start my life again. It's hard. My triplets are all starting college in less than a month and I need to find a job, sell my house, and find a new place to live. It's overwhelming. Good for you staying sober. I know it would be easy to reach for the short-term solution. Take care.

Soberwolf

Things take time it sounds like you have been through some stuff but are getting through it sober, the biking sounds like it's good for you & you enjoy it

Everyone gets a bad day sometimes the good thing is your stopping by checking in and getting it off your chest

MythOfSisyphus

Hang in there, Calico. I quit drinking in 2012 and while I'm not quite to where I want to be with my life things are way better than when I was drunk every night.

Calicofish

Thank you all for your replies. Dee, you are so right - we/I do have 30-40 years of things to sift through. Why do I think I can sift through it in 17 months. I've always been an impatient person and I think that pairs so well with drinking since alcohol brings instant gratification.

I truly think I switched my addition from alcohol to sugar and I've started battling that dragon.

I also tried beta blockers for my anxiety - I guess they work BUT I ended up (in the past 4 months anyway) having no exercise tolerance and being really, really tired and to a degree depressed. I went out to visit my family (went by car) and the entire time I was there, I had no energy and could barely summon the strength to participate or engage with anyone. It was weird - I was stressed out the entire time. My entire body ached. I was experiencing terrible anxiety - more than I had in a long time and seriously contemplated drinking because I was feeling so crappy. Imagine that - thinking that a drink would help.

So, I got to thinking the beta blockers might be causing these tired symptoms and I stopped taking my 1/2 pill in the morning. I found that now when I go walking or biking that I have the energy.

My anxiety is worse in the evening - that's when I start to cram my mouth with comfort food (in my bed). It's awful. I can go all day eating properly but come night I get anxious and the only thing that calms me is eating.

So - instead of reaching for the ice cream, cake, cookies or whatever "treat" I might have bought, I've let myself still eat, but it can't contain processed sugar.

I still take 1/2 beta blocker in the evenings (most time) when I feel that anxiety start to creep.

My goal is to stop this stupid comfort eating. It is not helping my waistline what-so-ever.

Thanks for letting me whine. I appreciate it.

CF