Help I need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Yorkshire
Posts: 2
Help I need advice
Hi I am not a drinker but my ex partner is who walked out on us ( me and his 3 year old son) a few weeks ago, I really need some advice as its just come to light how dependant my ex was on alcohol only a few every night I thought it was normal, but it made me depressed when he started not wanting to come out and blaming me for being an angry person who always nags at him.
He wanted out for a long time to drink when I look back and kept telling me when he left hes realized he never wants me back as i'm not good enough for him, I asked him to fight for his family meaning us and the reply was " your not worth fighting for " the reason for his dismissal was a number of things but one thing he said was a credit card I got in his name which I was paying off... I do not disagree I was wrong but I hated asking him for money.
He said he would never come back because he cannot trust me and wont be able to build that trust again, however he wants to leave some of his things at my house and visit our son here, while he can float back to the enabler ( his mothers ) who will leave him to die, Big issue with his mum rejecting her son by the way, she wants him at home because no one is good enough for her precious son but doesn't mind him drinking himself to death.
He knew I was strong when I met him his drinking knocked my confidence and made me feel worthless in which I started to get myself into debt which hes also furious about.
I guess my real question is i'm trying to support him by telling him, I believe in him as he feels no one else does but im just been BLANKED, I messaged his mother who replied with " noted " as a message back... for some reason I took her son away so i guess I'm being blamed by them too.
Why am I to blame that he didn't support me through my depression after our son all he did was drink and get angry at me, btw his family have a stigma towards people with mental health issues.
I shouldn't be concerned but I am worried he will loose his job ( i'm to blame hes phoning in sick too) and hes gone back the person who just lets her son lay getting pissed, I mean shes never bothered with our son so I cant even use that to say stop your son drinking cos they are just not bothered aslong as hes under her roof paying rent there happy.
He wanted out for a long time to drink when I look back and kept telling me when he left hes realized he never wants me back as i'm not good enough for him, I asked him to fight for his family meaning us and the reply was " your not worth fighting for " the reason for his dismissal was a number of things but one thing he said was a credit card I got in his name which I was paying off... I do not disagree I was wrong but I hated asking him for money.
He said he would never come back because he cannot trust me and wont be able to build that trust again, however he wants to leave some of his things at my house and visit our son here, while he can float back to the enabler ( his mothers ) who will leave him to die, Big issue with his mum rejecting her son by the way, she wants him at home because no one is good enough for her precious son but doesn't mind him drinking himself to death.
He knew I was strong when I met him his drinking knocked my confidence and made me feel worthless in which I started to get myself into debt which hes also furious about.
I guess my real question is i'm trying to support him by telling him, I believe in him as he feels no one else does but im just been BLANKED, I messaged his mother who replied with " noted " as a message back... for some reason I took her son away so i guess I'm being blamed by them too.
Why am I to blame that he didn't support me through my depression after our son all he did was drink and get angry at me, btw his family have a stigma towards people with mental health issues.
I shouldn't be concerned but I am worried he will loose his job ( i'm to blame hes phoning in sick too) and hes gone back the person who just lets her son lay getting pissed, I mean shes never bothered with our son so I cant even use that to say stop your son drinking cos they are just not bothered aslong as hes under her roof paying rent there happy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I am sorry you are hurting, but happy that you found Sober Recovery. This is a great place for support, venting, and connecting with others who have been where you are or are still going through it.
All you can do is focus on and work on yourself. You cannot make him get sober or make him take care of his son, all you can do is do the best you can for your son so at least he has one parent that is stable and there for him. I have found counseling always helps to center me, and if your son is struggling with everything going on then art therapy can be really helpful for small children. Have you considered going to Al-non meetings to create a support system for you when you are feeling like you need someone to lean on or need to vent?
Keep posting and although you cannot control him, you can make sure that you are the best person you can possibly be and that is all we can truly control in the end.
All you can do is focus on and work on yourself. You cannot make him get sober or make him take care of his son, all you can do is do the best you can for your son so at least he has one parent that is stable and there for him. I have found counseling always helps to center me, and if your son is struggling with everything going on then art therapy can be really helpful for small children. Have you considered going to Al-non meetings to create a support system for you when you are feeling like you need someone to lean on or need to vent?
Keep posting and although you cannot control him, you can make sure that you are the best person you can possibly be and that is all we can truly control in the end.
thanks for your kind words 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I hope your counseling session goes good today, I am a hugggeeeee advocate of counseling and a true believer of it. That is a really good step towards moving forward and working on yourself. I used to drive myself crazy trying to control and "fix" others, the day I started putting all that energy into bettering myself things finally started to move in the right direction for me.
Journaling has also been a HUGE tool for me. It helps me keep perspective, shows me progress I am making, and helps to show me where my recovery is lacking. When I am feeling overwhelmed I have found writing really helps to make my head stop spinning and it helps to look back and see how far I have come. Also, if you are feeling overwhelmed, it can help to write out what you feel you need to get done or change and then write next to it a way to start to move towards meeting that goal. This way you can watch your progress moving towards your goals. It has also helped to write out where I want my life to be in a year or two and then write out what my life will be like if I do not make any changes. That has really helped motivate me to do what is best for ME and to stop procrastinating about making changes.
Feel free to PM me if you feel like you just need someone to talk, vent, complain, or anything to.
HUGS you can make it through this, we are all here for you.
Journaling has also been a HUGE tool for me. It helps me keep perspective, shows me progress I am making, and helps to show me where my recovery is lacking. When I am feeling overwhelmed I have found writing really helps to make my head stop spinning and it helps to look back and see how far I have come. Also, if you are feeling overwhelmed, it can help to write out what you feel you need to get done or change and then write next to it a way to start to move towards meeting that goal. This way you can watch your progress moving towards your goals. It has also helped to write out where I want my life to be in a year or two and then write out what my life will be like if I do not make any changes. That has really helped motivate me to do what is best for ME and to stop procrastinating about making changes.
Feel free to PM me if you feel like you just need someone to talk, vent, complain, or anything to.
HUGS you can make it through this, we are all here for you.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,202
Hi NCH, I feel really sorry for you having to go through this
Like AdelineRose said the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your son. Hopefully when you go to counselling you will get some useful help and advice
As a recovering alcoholic myself, my impression is that he is using you to validate his drinking
There is also a Friends and Family of Alcoholics thread where if you were to re post your first post in this thread you may get some replies from people who have been in the same situation
Here is the link:- Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Good Luck
Like AdelineRose said the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your son. Hopefully when you go to counselling you will get some useful help and advice
As a recovering alcoholic myself, my impression is that he is using you to validate his drinking
There is also a Friends and Family of Alcoholics thread where if you were to re post your first post in this thread you may get some replies from people who have been in the same situation
Here is the link:- Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Good Luck
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
