knowthetriggers

Just wanted to post an update.

Since my last post things have been....good. My RAH has been home for a few weeks and went back to work yesterday following his hospital and physical therapy stay. Yesterday he also saw his counselor for the first time. He said he liked it and made a follow up appointment.

I was so incredibly proud of myself because I didn't grill him about his visit. In the past I wanted to know what they talked about and what was said - not this time. All I asked was how it went and if he liked him and he responded good and that he did like him and told me when his next visit was.

I have to say, when he came home I didn't know what to expect but he has been reserved and rather quite and at times I feel a little disconnected. We have not really talked about his experience although we have laughed at a few of the things that happened, some he remembers and so he doesn't. He said his first day back at work was good and moved right along.

What I really want to write about is my recent experience with my mom. Some of you may remember that after my RAH's first fall out 12+ years ago I started attending Alanon and after about a year into the program I realized that I was not just there for my then AH but mainly for my mother, who is not an A but was raised in a very abusive alcoholic home.

Last year at my father's 80th birthday celebration my eyes were finally open to how deep my mother's sickness is and sadly from that point I have not had a great relationship with her. We live over 19 hours from our home town so we don't see them often but we do try and spend at least one week with them during a holiday and in the summer. Well this year we went to the beach with them and I just could not connect with her. They know about my RAH's recent stay in the hospital and they know my last day at work is this week but she cannot seem to understand why I am not a basket case.

For instance she asked me "where was he drinking, I mean how could he hide it?" and I responded to her that I don't know where he was drinking and I don't really care, all I care is that he is getting help. And she just is in disbelieve that I am not being this great "detective" to find out all these unanswered questions. Quite honestly, I don't have any unanswered questions. He has a problem and he is getting help, so am I and so are our girls, that is all that should matter.

One other thing she brings up (ALL THE TIME) is how she was abused and this and that, but you know what - I know this already and this time I told her flat out - "Mom, our home life is NOT like what you grew up in, RAH has never beat our children and has never raised his hand to me. He was not stumbling around drunk, he hid his drinking from us. He was highly functional and oddly enough still very reliable at work and around the house." But even still she reverted back to her childhood which makes me believe she will never move past her experience, ever. And all of us at home have paid a precious price because of her bitterness and codependency.

About the job - yes I am concerned to be unemployed. I did not choose to leave this job this is a layoff. I am fortunate to have severance offered to me and I will have until the end of September to find a decent job. I have used my network within the company and have upper management advocating for me and holding my resume. I also have my current manager advocating for me as well, I know something will work out in the end. My Higher Power is looking out for me, he always has and always will.

My dad asked me privately if some of this could rub off on my mom because he said she has been flipping out over me and the girls living in a alcoholic home and me losing my job, etc. I told him I could never pass this "peace of mind" on to her because she refuses to seek help. Sadly, she will never change.

Anyway, just wanted to share some of my recent experiences. I certainly hope all of you have a fantastic day!

firebolt

Ugg - your mom sounds a lot like mine. I never realized the depth of her illness until the last few years realizing my own, and then starting to seek the roots of it. What an awakening....and I have so much empathy for you with your mom.

Thanks for sharing with us - things sound like they are aligning well....and you are dealing with everything in a remarkably healthy way!

knowthetriggers

Thanks Firebolt - it makes me sad knowing that she is 79, not getting any younger and my relationship with her is strained. We live far enough already but not being able to connect with her while she grows older bothers me. I would have hoped for a closer relationship with her at this point but she is so bitter it suffocates me

firebolt

Yep it's the same with my mom (she's early 60s). She will never know the real me (well, never say never I guess) nor I the real her. She is so guarded and puts out such a cold bitter and judgmental presence....with little pieces of extreme care of others mixed in.

UUGGG...and I see so much of who she is in who I WAS.

I didn't even see the level of sick until I started working on me, and now it's mostly what I see....which gave me some compassion for her, but doesn't mean I trust her enough to open up to her, let alone be around her much. We learned from her that being sad is NOT OK, and being angry is NOT OK, and seeking outside help is NOT OK. And to her, none of those things are ok still today.

I read over and over that we have to be the parent we SHOULD have had to ourselves as adults. Give ourselves the comfort, freedom, and validation we needed as kids. It's a struggle, but it has really helped me with negative self talk, my judgment of myself and others, and probably the biggest one for me....I finally have some compassion for others. It creeps me out to think that THAT is something I have lacked through the years

ANywho - best to you with the job search and sending you good wishes with your mom....it's never too late....but if it doesn't happen, it sounds like you are on your way to peace with it all.