Eliasson

And that is actually a surprise to me, as the last thing I remember before blacking out is wishing for death.
My husband is trying to help I know but he says I just need more of the Holy Spirit and more self control.
I definitely need more of something.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear you are still struggling so mightily with this Eliasson. It's great that you have the support of your husband, but "self control" is not possible for us as alcoholics....the very nature of alcoholism is that our "control" is broken.

Have you ever considered inpatient or outpatient rehab? I think it's pretty evident that you won't be able to do this on your own, and if you are repeatdly drinking to blackout you are a danger not only to yourself but your family.

Eliasson

Thank you Scott. I do think inpatient is probably my only hope but at this point I'm not sure it's an option. My husband is out of work and we don't have health benefits. I started a new part time job 6 weeks ago that I need to keep its our only income and they wouldn't give me a month off and let me have a job to come back to.
I'm desperate and don't know what else to do.

Anna

Eliasson, I'm sorry you're struggling so much, too. Since your job is part-time it would likely be possible to do an Outpatient treatment. That would be a good start.

ScottFromWI

Check into your local city/county Drug & Alcohol organization. There are almost always options for treatment with sliding fees, even free sometimes. It doesn't have to be this way.

Eliasson

Ok. Thank you. I can't stop crying. I've heard about the alcoholics of the "hopeless variety" in meetings and I'm pretty sure they are talking about me.

SoberLife90

I know for myself I am addicted to "more." The good news is that sobriety is acheivable and I have found it in the fellowship of AA. Maybe you should try it.

ScottFromWI

You wouldn't be here if there wasn't hope. I know you attend AA meetings at times - do you have a sponsor?

Eliasson

I do have a sponsor. Am afraid to tell her what happened. I don't think I've ever really "worked" the program tho. I am convinced usually that I will fail anyway and don't want to let people down. There are so many wonderful people there -and here- who have put time and effort into me and I just keep failing. I hate doing that to people.

CaseyW

I suggest you be honest with your sponsor like you're being honest here. The hiding and lying is part of what is making you think you're hopeless. Which you're not. The truth will set you free and give you hope.

Wishing you the best today...

ScottFromWI

Id' be a lot more afraid of what will happen if you don't tell her, don't you think?

Eliasson

I called her and feel better for it thank you. She doesn't think I'm as awful as I thought she would and was very encouraging. She says I am too hard on myself and that I don't believe in my heart that I deserve a happy sober life. That is true. I'm not sure how to change that.
But I am going to a meeting tonight. I just hope I don't forget how awful this is and decide again it's not that bad. It's pure craziness.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like your sponsor is a good one, she gave you some great advice. Perhaps stepping up to the plate and really working the program starting today would be a great way to start solving this problem?

Regarding your last comment, we do need to remember why we don't drink - but that in itself will never be enough to keep us sober. Because the bad feelings will almost always pass and we start feeling better again. That is when it is most important to proactively work on our sobriety ( in your case, step work if you continue on with AA ). If you wait until you start craving/thinking about drinking it's too late. You'll never think about how bad things were once you get to that state, only how good your addiction tells you you will feel if you drink.

Eliasson

That makes so much sense, thank you, and explains a lot. Every time I start feeling better, whether it's the next day, week, or month, I relax on meetings and everything sobriety related. Then end up right back in this spot. I guess it's a little like having diabetes and feeling better so you stop taking your medication?
It is time for me to step up to the plate.

tomsteve

tells me your not hopeless.
just not 100% committed.

you don't let anyone in aa down but yourself.
if you have worked the program then learned how to put in into action in your daily life, you wouldn't be where ya are, so, no, you haven't worked the program.
now, stop making excuses, get yourself committed to recovery, get with your sponsor, to a meeting, and get into action of THE program and toss out YOUR program.
ALL of the promises of the program will materialize if you work for them.

Anna

I was in exactly the same place as you are. In fact, I sabotaged my recovery numerous times because I felt I did not deserve a good life. And, I found I was actually more comfortable with failure than with success. What would happen if I was able to stop drinking?? That question was frightening to me because I had no idea what it would be like. You do deserve a good life and happiness. We all do. Believe in yourself and that you can do this!

Eliasson

Thank you Anna. Yes that is exactly how I feel. I think I've lived with depression and alcoholism for so long that as awful as it is, it's familiar. I find it hard to picture myself happy and sober. It's the fear of the unknown I guess. And I definitely sabotage myself every time I start to get a taste of that happy, sober life.

Dee74

There's some great advice here Eliasson.
I'm glad you called your sponsor.

Do you have a Dr for your depression?

D

Eliasson

Thank you Dee. I'm so grateful for all the wisdom and encouragement here.
I have a Dr but haven't been able to afford to go to him since I lost health benefits, so my meds for both depression and lupus have run out. I'm sure that's not helping anything

Dee74

Yeah it really wouldn't be. I'd imagine?.
I hope you can find a way to get back on your meds - are there any free or low cost clinics near you?

D