mandybegins

My husband is an alcoholic. I know that's why everyone is here. A loved one is an alcoholic. But I just came to the realization. I've suspected it for years and years. He's flirted with the line. Going through periods of heavy drinking, having periods of semi-normal between. We started dating in high school and I wrote a poem about me finally leaving him after 3 years of him over drinking. Here I am almost 19 years later and four kids.

Guess I always knew how this all would end.

He's drank nearly every single day for years(I think he didn't drink one day. He couldn't stop shaking. maybe he eventually had a drink). I always let it go, really. If he wasn't visibly drunk, what did I care if he had a few? He'd been pulled over a few times, but his huge tolerance always helped him. He would blow just at the legal limit and cops would generally just make him stay put for awhile, or call someone to drive him home.

Now he gets drunk every night. Slurred speech, stumble, running into furniture, angry, pass out, won't eat, drunk.

And I walk around making everything is ok. Putting a happy face out into the world. And meanwhile he's such a time suck, that I'm a horrible everything when he's around. Horrible mom, horrible everything. I hate me with him. I've lost me with him. I love him. I hate me. I'm so pathetic.

I don't even know where to begin to change things. I just know I can't live like this anymore.

Thanks for listening.

Poppet35

I'm sorry you are in such a bad place right now. You are not pathetic. You are doing your best in a maddening situation. I know how you feel about having lost yourself and that you love him and hate him - I feel like that at times and it's hard to deal with and understand.
You are not alone.
Hugs

SparkleKitty

Well the good news, Mandy, is that by coming here and acknowledging what you are dealing with, you have begun to change things. It's a small step, to be sure, but a significant one.

ladyscribbler

Greetings from a fellow Iowan! Sorry for everything you're dealing with, but glad you've found us and reached out. That's a huge step.
I'm pretty involved with Al Anon, a twelve step meeting for friends and family of alcoholics. Here is a link to help you find a meeting in your area if you feel ready to take that step. Once you have 5 posts you can PM me if you have any questions.

http://iowa-al-anon.org/meetingssearch/

The idea of walking into a roomful of strangers and revealing my "huge, secret burden" was terrifying to me. I resisted going for a long time, but it was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. SR is an excellent resource, and I often recommend it to Al Anon newcomers, but nothing beats that face to face support. You might also check into an Alateen meeting for your kids. Seeing your husband staggering around in a drunken rage every night has to be taking a toll on them as well.

Please keep reading and posting and take care. You're under tremendous stress, I know, so make sure you're being kind and gentle with yourself and taking the time to do some self care every day.

mandybegins

Since I really knew. Since about a week ago when I really, fully, actually knew that he is an alcoholic. When I let myself believe he was an alcoholic and not somebody who just drank a little too much, but a full blown, for real, not just making accusations alcoholic..............

Since that realization, I have been sick to my stomach. I walk around all of the time feeling like I'm going to puke.

I've got to get out, I'm drowning in this. My kids... I try to protect them from it the best I can, but....

And I'm so scared that if I leave, he will die. I mean, seriously die. Suicide or he'll drink himself to death, or he just won't eat, because he almost never eats unless I make a big deal of a meal. And if he dies, I will feel like it's my fault. I know it's his fault, but I will take the blame, because I always take the blame, like the happy little wife I pretend to be.

I thought KNOWING would let me fix things, but KNOWING is like death, because now I HAVE to do something. I can't live in denial any more. But I'm soooo terrified to do anything. For so many reasons.

What do I do now?

I'm so thankful to have found this place where I can say all the things that I hide from everyone else!

hopeful4

Wow. You are me years ago. It happened the same way, I felt the same way.

Alanon or Celebrate Recovery is a great place to start, which would give you face to face support. Read all the stickies and keep posting and reading here at SR. This is a great place of support from people who truly understand.

I send you lots of gentle hugs!

SparkleKitty

My friend, as gently as possible, if he is going to die from this, he is going to do it whether or not you and you are kids have a front row seat.

You don't have to take the blame anymore. You and your kids deserve a life free from addiction. If he chooses not to provide that for you, you deserve to pursue it for yourself any way you have to.

He's not a child. He is an adult who makes choices and those choices have consequences. You are not doomed to suffer the consequences of another person's choices. Even one you are married to.

Your kids, however, don't have that option. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic myself, I promise you that the best thing for your kids is to have at least one parent who demonstrates healthy behavior.

Sending you strength, courage and patience to keep your eyes wide open and to accept that you are powerless of his addiction.

mandybegins

Thank you so much. I will look at the information. I don't know if I'm ready for all this yet, but I don't know that I have a choice. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It made me cry. And I haven't cried once. It's probably good for me to cry. I'd been wondering why I hadn't cried. lol

firebolt

(((HUGS))) to you.

I'm a 'Mandy' too - thanks to parents that loved Barry Manilow!

Your post brought me back. I showed up here so distraught, miserable, unhappy angry, scared and uneducated about alcoholism....so, WELCOME. This place - the people here, alanon and some extensive reading changed my life.

There are stickies at the beginning of this forum helped me a lot. Keep posting!

fred59

none of this is your fault protect yourself and the kids, start by going to Al Anon
good luck

ladyscribbler

I was so broken down by my ex's rages and verbal abuse that I was almost numb to it, but at the same time, the tiniest scrap of kindness or concern from someone else would make me absolutely lose it.

I felt the same way about my ex. I KNEW, didn't just think, I KNEW that he would literally die without me there to take care of him. I had so many fears about what would happen to him if I left because my entire world revolved around how he was doing at a given moment. I was also pretty angry about having to disrupt my entire life when the solution- him getting sober- seemed so simple and obvious. Why should I go to a bunch of d@mn meetings when HE was the one with the problem?

A big part of my healing has come from taking that focus off of him and putting on myself and my kids. I had to accept that he is a grown man (chronologically, at least, lol) and he has a right to his choices, however awful. I have a right to protect myself and my kids from his choices and his consequences and to put my energy where it will actually do me and the kids some good.

For the record, he is very much alive and found another sucker- oops, I mean "soul mate" to take care of him. The kids and I have peace and serenity in our home and we're no longer hostage to his horrible, drunken behavior.

pndm07

Hi there and welcome. This is a great place and you will find amazing insight, guidance and support. I am also in a similar situation, albeit my AH knows he is an alcoholic, but continually relapses, and I'm in the throes of divorce. I know the feeling of worrying that he will die, because I am hostage to that type of thinking too. But, as many here who have the perspective of more time away from the situation, his well-being doesn't hinge on you. For me, I am trying to remind myself that my AH drank regardless of whether we were married, separated, together, happy, or unhappy. Leaving or staying won't prevent or cause him to die. It's really up to him. I agree that you have to take care of yourself and your children who are innocent in all of this. The "big babies" need to learn to care for themselves, if they choose to. Sending you support.

EternalNow

Mandy,
Me too. My wife is a daily drinker and weed smoker. My alcoholism is in remission for almost 4 years. I feel pretty good sometimes and very happy with my sobriety and clarity. It is very demanding to be around my wife who is coarse, angry and distant. I usually feel like she would rather be getting high than be with me, and it's true most of the time.

I am learning to apply the principles of " tough love" to our relationship. Others may call it detachment but to me it's the same thing. I'm here if she ever is ready to enter a full relationship. Maybe "detachment" can help you. There is a lot of information here on the subject. Peace

Eternal

AdelineRose

I am sorry you are hurting so much right now, finally coming to terms with and accepting that someone is an alcoholic can be one of the hardest things to accept.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. You don't have to make huge changes right this second, instead it might help to break it down into smaller categories and give yourself a place to start. Going to Al-non meetings, counseling, and surrounding yourself with people who understand can be a really helpful starting point. Even if you feel like you are all alone, please try to remember you aren't...we are all here for you and if you start going to meetings you will see the amount of people that are in the same boat as you is much larger then you thought.

Katchie

Hi Mandy

Me too, me too..the happy little housewife that puts on a great face and a great show for all the outsiders, both friends and family. Your worries are shared by so many because we walk or have walked a similar path and because of that, you're not alone tho I know you feel as if you are.

I know your desire to be FREE of the insanity, the fear, the anger, the unbelievable pain and feeling that if you don't get out quick you yourself may not survive -- the feeling the house is burning down and you've got to flee for your very life.

There is nothing wrong with you. You have every right to actually FEEL all of those things and so much more. They are valid feelings.

I agree with the others that Alanon is a great place. I didn't think so at first, but Alanon and this place have been what has helped me pull myself up by the bootstraps I didn't know I had. Its given me tools to help face every day.

Hugs...you're already off to a great start to finding peace..yes, peace..its there and possible for you and your children to have in abundance.

tomsteve

im one of them double winners, beings ive been both the drunken drunk and then after getting sober the codie.

one thing I learned in the relationship when I was sober is by continueing to stay in the relationship I was literally loving her to death- I was helping her die by allowing the behavior to go on around me.

THATS when I saw the women I was in relationships with when I was a drunken drunk were doing the same thing- until they kiked me to the curb.

I can look back now and say kikin me to the curb was the greatest move all them women made. I was only going to drag them down with me.
if they allowed it.

I was going to die with or without people around me. and if people stayed around me they may have died,too.

tomsteve

one more thing:
quit kikin yourself in the arse,mandy. youre not a bad person, just sick. and there IS a solution!
you have a very kind,caring,loving heart, as I think all us codies have.
just gotta learn to turn that towards ourselves and love ourselves,first.

soooo,go to a mirror, look in it. right into your own eyes.
not at how your hair looks or how your blouse/shirt looks!
look right into your own eyes and say," I love me."
do that every time youre in front of a mirror.

TimeForMe

Hi Mandy -

Welcome. I understand how utterly exhausting it is to keep up the facade of the happy family to the world, while he is telling you what a terrible person you are. They don't get it. They don't get the impact of their addictions on us.

Something I read that I keep saying to myself over the past year or so is: You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. To me, that's what it felt like. I didn't want to do that anymore.

You are in the right place. Read, read, read the stories on here. It sucks and if your AH is going to go down, like the others said, it is 100% not your fault for choosing not to go down with him. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen whether you are standing next to him or not.

You have children. You have you. You may think you're lost. In my experience, the people who post on here are the ones who are strong and resilient. Think of how much strength it took you to be with someone for 19 years and raise 4 kids, when you wrote that poem after 3 years. I bet you didn't write that poem on Day 1 of being fed up, did you?

We're here. We know your pain.

Hugs to you.

mandybegins

What did you do? If you felt the same way, how do you move? I don't know what to do now. I feel like.... I have to get out of here this very second, because now that I know, I can't leave my kids in this situation another day. But I feel like I should start, like preparing myself, collecting evidence, saving money, etc.

But he's fine a lot of the time. I tip toe around him so much now though. It's almost become just our little dance. Every morning we pretend like everything is ok. Every night, I do my best to just keep everything smooth until he passes out. And then I just move on with my night, relieved until morning.

The nearest Alanon meeting to me looks like it's an hour away. I just don't think I can do that... and I'm scared to go anyway.

mandybegins

I don't really know anything about alcoholism. I just started looking things up not that long ago. I guess I was in denial, because I think he's been an alcoholic for a very long time, and although I'm the google queen, who googles everything. I never once googled it. I guess I just didn't want to know.

And yes, Barry Manilow! haha!