Tension thick enough to drown in
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Tension thick enough to drown in
Its been a trying weekend.
Stepson (SS) showed up on Sat. and took a nap. (Last week, this happened and the nap ended up being 18+ hours) I told hubby that I did not want ss to spend the night and the tension from then on has been insane. He agreed, but I have gotten the cold shoulder since. Sunday ss was back with his drugbuddy/gf "to visit" Which really means, raid our house for food.
I feel like I am the target and that maybe, just maybe, the anger ought to go to the one that is screwing up. You know, the one that is doing the meth, homeless, jobless, and not taking care of their kid, and using everyone else. Not the one that just wants to sleep in a SAFE home. Freaken A, at 40 something years old, I've earned that right.
Stepson (SS) showed up on Sat. and took a nap. (Last week, this happened and the nap ended up being 18+ hours) I told hubby that I did not want ss to spend the night and the tension from then on has been insane. He agreed, but I have gotten the cold shoulder since. Sunday ss was back with his drugbuddy/gf "to visit" Which really means, raid our house for food.
I feel like I am the target and that maybe, just maybe, the anger ought to go to the one that is screwing up. You know, the one that is doing the meth, homeless, jobless, and not taking care of their kid, and using everyone else. Not the one that just wants to sleep in a SAFE home. Freaken A, at 40 something years old, I've earned that right.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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S,
I don't really know your story, but have you thought about setting up any boundaries. Sounds like Dad is an enabler to his son, that is why he is still currently in your life and an active addict.
Are you reaching out for support on what you can do for yourself?
I don't really know your story, but have you thought about setting up any boundaries. Sounds like Dad is an enabler to his son, that is why he is still currently in your life and an active addict.
Are you reaching out for support on what you can do for yourself?
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I could be wrong, but reading your post, you seem surprised by this reaction from your husband (could also be disappointment I'm misinterpreting). When you go against the grain with an enabler, they see you as the problem and not the addict.
The friction will probably get worse before it gets better. My Dad and I used to constantly fight about my AS, because he used to be constantly worried that if he didn't make her life easier she'd OD. Things have gotten better but he's still a major enabler (and this is 2 years later lol). Her last episode, he finally admitted that it might be better if she were to move out - but then changed his tune when telling me, "She's okay today, I think she's better now". Even though he reverted back to the typical enabler, I'm grateful he was willing to look at kicking her out as a possibility. When he used to complain about her stealing before, I'd tell him to kick her out and got the response, "Do you want her to die?!". Most of the time now, I'm the bad guy lol.
If I recall correctly, you said your husband isn't even acknowledging the SS has a problem, which means once he realizes this fact things will change (either for better or worse). You have a choice: either say nothing and let this go on, or allow yourself to be heard and be prepared for tension.
The friction will probably get worse before it gets better. My Dad and I used to constantly fight about my AS, because he used to be constantly worried that if he didn't make her life easier she'd OD. Things have gotten better but he's still a major enabler (and this is 2 years later lol). Her last episode, he finally admitted that it might be better if she were to move out - but then changed his tune when telling me, "She's okay today, I think she's better now". Even though he reverted back to the typical enabler, I'm grateful he was willing to look at kicking her out as a possibility. When he used to complain about her stealing before, I'd tell him to kick her out and got the response, "Do you want her to die?!". Most of the time now, I'm the bad guy lol.
If I recall correctly, you said your husband isn't even acknowledging the SS has a problem, which means once he realizes this fact things will change (either for better or worse). You have a choice: either say nothing and let this go on, or allow yourself to be heard and be prepared for tension.
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husband goes back and forth, logically he knows his son is an addict. For a loooong time, it was "he's just dabbling". When he happens to catch him on a day that he is not totally out of it, he jumps to "the problem is solved." When we talk about it, not under pressure, he can admit that his son is addicted.
I've tried really really hard, since getting with husband over a decade ago to respect his relationship with his children and let him raise them. I have one bio son and know that I would not want someone telling me how to raise him.
The problem comes in, that this affects me too much now to be able to do that.
I feel like I have been the bad guy (in this situation) no matter what. I hate conflict in general. My default mode seems to be doormat. I am angry that after all this time, (youngest child in family just turned 18) that "an Adult" at 25 has a good chance of ruining my relationship of over a decade. I am really worried that if I put my foot down, I will be left. I could survive it, but just thinking it , breaks my heart.
I've tried really really hard, since getting with husband over a decade ago to respect his relationship with his children and let him raise them. I have one bio son and know that I would not want someone telling me how to raise him.
The problem comes in, that this affects me too much now to be able to do that.
I feel like I have been the bad guy (in this situation) no matter what. I hate conflict in general. My default mode seems to be doormat. I am angry that after all this time, (youngest child in family just turned 18) that "an Adult" at 25 has a good chance of ruining my relationship of over a decade. I am really worried that if I put my foot down, I will be left. I could survive it, but just thinking it , breaks my heart.
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Have you thought about marriage counseling? Would that even be something your husband might consider?
This isn’t just a problem with getting along with his son this is a drug related issue that involves his son, kind of takes it to a whole other level.
If you and your husband can not become a united front on this issue then yes I don’t see the marriage with standing the storm.
This isn’t just a problem with getting along with his son this is a drug related issue that involves his son, kind of takes it to a whole other level.
If you and your husband can not become a united front on this issue then yes I don’t see the marriage with standing the storm.
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I don't believe hubby would be willing to go to marriage counseling. I'm willing to bring it up to him, but the last time I mentioned therapy, (for myself for this issue, to get better coping skills) he wasn't super supportive. He has no want to go to alanon or anything like that.
I just don't see a happy way out of this. I guess, after 2 and a half days of the cold shoulder, I am going to need to confront this when I get home. Dread dread and more dread.
I just don't see a happy way out of this. I guess, after 2 and a half days of the cold shoulder, I am going to need to confront this when I get home. Dread dread and more dread.
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Sephra.......P;ease consider this: If you bring the subject up...I would direct your concern, anger, etc. toward your husband (calmly).....not directly confront the son!! I predict that if it becomes a conflict between you and his son...directly....that things will go south, very fast....
You will be the odd man out....a triangle....and they both will direct their anger and blame toward you. You will be the stand alone bad guy......
With you and your husband not on the same page....I can only see things getting worse (I have been in your shoes)......
If it were me (I know it is not...lol).....I would opt for a 6mo. separation.....to give some time for all to consider the consequences......
If your husband sees that you REALLY mean business about your marriage....he might be willing to get help for his parenting in this really difficult situation.....
***If you do draw the boundary that I suggest....make sure that y ou mean it and will actually do it...otherwise your words will just ring hollow.....
dandylion
You will be the odd man out....a triangle....and they both will direct their anger and blame toward you. You will be the stand alone bad guy......
With you and your husband not on the same page....I can only see things getting worse (I have been in your shoes)......
If it were me (I know it is not...lol).....I would opt for a 6mo. separation.....to give some time for all to consider the consequences......
If your husband sees that you REALLY mean business about your marriage....he might be willing to get help for his parenting in this really difficult situation.....
***If you do draw the boundary that I suggest....make sure that y ou mean it and will actually do it...otherwise your words will just ring hollow.....
dandylion
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(((Sephra))))
One thing that I have found to be true is that if I keep the discussion to "I" and "me", rather than "you" and "he", it sometimes results in a less defensive response.
You can't tell him how to act, feel, parent, but you certainly can decide what is healthy for you in your life.
I wish you and your husband peace...
One thing that I have found to be true is that if I keep the discussion to "I" and "me", rather than "you" and "he", it sometimes results in a less defensive response.
You can't tell him how to act, feel, parent, but you certainly can decide what is healthy for you in your life.
I wish you and your husband peace...
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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What Cece said! When you speak about yourself..."I feel very unsafe in my own home these days" or "the tension is more than I can handle when I am drawn into the chaos"...or even "I cannot continue to live this way", there is no room for debate or defensiveness by anyone else.
This must be a heartbreaking situation for you, I hope you find your own peace one day soon.
Hugs
This must be a heartbreaking situation for you, I hope you find your own peace one day soon.
Hugs
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Yes, agree with CeCe and Ann, as well as Dandy. I did mean that you have to confront the husband, not the SS, sorry if there is confusion! I definitely DO NOT encourage you to confront SS, that is your husband's place.
Tight hugs!
Tight hugs!
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Originally Posted by Sephra 
I have one bio son and know that I would not want someone telling me how to raise him.
My daughter was legal age when her addiction began (IV opiates). I was told by several professionals that parenting was done. She no longer had to do - or pretend to do - what I said. If she wanted advice, she was to ask for it. I was told emphatically to "wait for the question."
It didn't take me too long to figure out the reasoning to all that. By continuing to try to raise or parent a legal age adult, I was helping her remain an emotional/mental adolescent. I treated her (and myself) like an adult when I no longer allowed her to take advantage of me and my home.
Since your husband doesn't want help, it's probably going to take the proverbial slamming headfirst into a brick wall for him.
Protect yourself, nurture yourself.
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I did try to talk to husband last night. It did not go well. According to him, I support him in ways that are not important, but don't support him when it counts. That's sad. And not true. I told him that I love him and his kids, I give them all that I am capable of giving, and if it's not enough, I cant help it.
He is twisting things and putting things on me that aren't true, and I am calling him on it and trying to stand by my truth. I have tried so hard to be gentle with his son and about him, disengage and distance myself from the situation, not say the wrong thing about him. To not sour their relationship while still trying to keep myself sane. Not an easy balance. And obviously a losing battle. I had a sit down with the son almost 6 months ago, when he was living with us, because he was still using, our talk got us no where, so I leave it alone, there is no talking to him, he's into it too deep and it gets no where. So I dont confront him on it, he knows where I stand, and to be honest, I am afraid to speak to him right now, cause I do not have anything helpful/positive to say to him and he is no way wanting/ready to stop using. I am not sure how things will turn out. I don't feel better after talking with husband. In fact, I am heavy with depression. Slipping deep. Tired. Soul tired.
He is twisting things and putting things on me that aren't true, and I am calling him on it and trying to stand by my truth. I have tried so hard to be gentle with his son and about him, disengage and distance myself from the situation, not say the wrong thing about him. To not sour their relationship while still trying to keep myself sane. Not an easy balance. And obviously a losing battle. I had a sit down with the son almost 6 months ago, when he was living with us, because he was still using, our talk got us no where, so I leave it alone, there is no talking to him, he's into it too deep and it gets no where. So I dont confront him on it, he knows where I stand, and to be honest, I am afraid to speak to him right now, cause I do not have anything helpful/positive to say to him and he is no way wanting/ready to stop using. I am not sure how things will turn out. I don't feel better after talking with husband. In fact, I am heavy with depression. Slipping deep. Tired. Soul tired.
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Hard question I don't want to face. But, yeah, I would, I guess. I don't want to.
I am the breadwinner in the family. The house is in my name. I said that there is another option, I would be willing, if he wants his son here, (not living, but to spend the night) that I could be elsewhere for the night. He did not like that idea. I asked about marriage counseling, flat out no, not interested. I haven't ruled out going on my own, I've been in therapy before (therapist told me I needed to learn to be more "selfish" , put myself first)
I am the breadwinner in the family. The house is in my name. I said that there is another option, I would be willing, if he wants his son here, (not living, but to spend the night) that I could be elsewhere for the night. He did not like that idea. I asked about marriage counseling, flat out no, not interested. I haven't ruled out going on my own, I've been in therapy before (therapist told me I needed to learn to be more "selfish" , put myself first)
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My situation was different in that I was married to the addict. Even when I was married (now divorced), I went to a psychiatrist who specialized in helping families with addiction. By myself. It did help me immensely. It also prepared me that no matter what happened, I was strong enough to handle it. I encourage you to go for your own piece of mind.
Hugs.
Hugs.
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Originally Posted by Sephra
Hard question I don't want to face. But, yeah, I would, I guess. I don't want to.
I am the breadwinner in the family. The house is in my name. I said that there is another option, I would be willing, if he wants his son here, (not living, but to spend the night) that I could be elsewhere for the night. He did not like that idea. I asked about marriage counseling, flat out no, not interested. I haven't ruled out going on my own, I've been in therapy before (therapist told me I needed to learn to be more "selfish" , put myself first)
I am the breadwinner in the family. The house is in my name. I said that there is another option, I would be willing, if he wants his son here, (not living, but to spend the night) that I could be elsewhere for the night. He did not like that idea. I asked about marriage counseling, flat out no, not interested. I haven't ruled out going on my own, I've been in therapy before (therapist told me I needed to learn to be more "selfish" , put myself first)
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Oh boy, does your situation bring back so many distrubing memories for me.
My son (adopted son, ex's biological son) was a night mare. His bio mom was/is an addict and borderline. As an adult, my son has been diagnosed with both too.
Every counselor warned us he was trying to divide and concur. He had my now ex so manipulated and I was always the scapegoat. During that time, my husband became addicted to pain pills. I think it was a way to deal with it all. (Not exusing it). Anyway, it was hell for me. I suddenly realized I had another whole nightmare on my hands!
I finally had to walk away from both. I had to let my husband deal with him without my input. They eventually had it OUT and it wasn't pretty. But because of my ex's own guilt, he continues to enable. Sad to say, but it won't be long before one of them tries to suck me back in, only I won't take the bait any more!
Your step sons problems are way above your husbands skills as a parent, especially if he parenting from some misguided guilt. Please do what best for you!
My son (adopted son, ex's biological son) was a night mare. His bio mom was/is an addict and borderline. As an adult, my son has been diagnosed with both too.
Every counselor warned us he was trying to divide and concur. He had my now ex so manipulated and I was always the scapegoat. During that time, my husband became addicted to pain pills. I think it was a way to deal with it all. (Not exusing it). Anyway, it was hell for me. I suddenly realized I had another whole nightmare on my hands!
I finally had to walk away from both. I had to let my husband deal with him without my input. They eventually had it OUT and it wasn't pretty. But because of my ex's own guilt, he continues to enable. Sad to say, but it won't be long before one of them tries to suck me back in, only I won't take the bait any more!
Your step sons problems are way above your husbands skills as a parent, especially if he parenting from some misguided guilt. Please do what best for you!
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