PuzzledHeart

So my dad last week confronted my sister about her possible drug use. In the past she has said 1) yes and she needs help 2) no and how dare you and now 3) "Dad, you had an affair."

My dad's heartsick because my cousin, who is also addicted, also accused his mom of having an affair when she confronted him about having HIS drug use. And my dad kept on asking me all weekend, what are we going to do? And I told him there was absolutely nothing that we could do.

And then he told me that my sister and her children been spending time with the woman who physically abused us. The kids are old enough now that I really don't think she won't pull any crap, but the last time my sister mentioned her (albeit a LONG time ago), was that this woman taught her how to compulsively lie and that's why my sister was the way she was. So stupid me thought they no longer had a relationship. Stupid me at the time also didn't realize that my sister was just blameshifting as always.

I know that a major reason why my sister is the way she is is because denial is her coping mechanism. That's why she invited her rapist to stay in her home when my niece was just a baby when everybody else kicked him out. That's why she still has this relationship with this woman - and this woman is in no position to hold her accountable to anything. But knowing this doesn't make the feelings go away.

You know what's the kicker? When I confronted this woman about the abuse more than twenty years ago, she said "I was much worse to your sister than I was to you and you're the one who hates me."

I feel that my head is so scrambled I don't know what to do besides talk to a therapist. Talk to her ex-husband, who hates confrontation and will most likely not do anything about it? Let it go, because the kids are practically teenagers anyway, and they're already seeing my sister's f-d up modus operandi? How can I detach when I'm angry? How can I detach period?

hopeful4

You will have to detach to function. She is not being forced to lie or be a manipulator, accept that. She is one. She may be under bad influence, no doubt about that. However, there is not a thing you can do about it except believe what you told your dad, there is nothing you can do.

How close are you to the teens? If you are close to them, maybe speak to them directly yourself. Let them know they can come to you.

Tight hugs. How awful.

Ann

Therapy may help you process the feelings that are eating away at your heart. It's a tragic situation and truly, you can only watch and pray.

I'll add my prayers too, that one day soon your sister finds a better path, and more prayers for her children.

Hugs

PuzzledHeart

Well l talked to my husband after venting on SR, and he said something so SR like one would think that he lurks here too. He told me that I've been trying so hard to understand my sister's motivations for the past year and a half, and all it's gotten me is grief and anger. I'm not her therapist, and I'm engaging with an irrational being who will never make sense. All I'm doing is getting angrier and angrier and as somebody said on this board, all I'm doing is letting her live "rent-free in my brain."

I think all I can do at this point is be there for her daughters. If I can't be there for her, I can certainly be my best for them. I would like to think that my old sister, the one who was trying to keep it together, the one who I could actually turn to for too brief a time, would have liked that.

hopeful4

I agree with your husband, and I agree with your conclusion. Kids all need to know someone has their back all the time, and if they have that in you, it would be a huge blessing.

Hugs!