Embarrassed by son

Old 07-17-2016, 03:44 PM
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Angry Embarrassed by son

In addition to being an alcoholic, my 37 year old son is depressed, anxious, ADD, stubborn, manipulative, and immature in his decision making. He has a very high IQ. He's fresh out of rehab. Going to lots of AA meetings (that's good). He's not working hard enough to find a job (we've told him he has three weeks to get one or he has to move out).

His mom got a new car and we offered to give him her old one, a 2000 Grand Prix with 80,000 miles on it, great condition. He chose instead to take the money from the sale of it and look for something with a manual transmission, say a 2000 Honda Accord. Well, those don't exist with 80,000 miles, they all have about 200,000 or more. All because "The only two things I enjoy right now are listening to music in my car and driving a stick." Well, he took $415 of a his federal tax refund and put a stereo in his old car, deciding to keep it. (It is falling apart). Now he's looking again at cars in a lower price range and all he will get will be a piece of ****.

He got his state tax refund of $200 and almost bought a $170 pair of sunglasses. He's proud of himself that he "made an adult decision" and didn't buy them, but rather is looking at a $70 pair of UA sunglasses on Ebay. I don't particularly see $70 sunglasses as an adult decision.

I am so tired of his behavior I could scream and I find him depressing to be around.

He is going to a lot of AA meetings, going to weekly therapy, and regular psychiatrist visits. That's all good. He has applied for disability due to his mental conditions, but that is going to be awhile before that comes through.

We are trying to support him in these efforts, rather than kicking him out on the street. It just gets awfully old dealing with a 37 year old man that acts like a child, and an alcoholic one at that.

It has been good to vent. Thanks for listening.
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Old 07-17-2016, 04:01 PM
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Jonbald...I think that ADD and a very high IQ presents a challenge in terms of employment....especially, if he doesn't have many specific job skills for jobs that would utilize his intelligence, and accommodate his attention/physical needs..

I would think that a sober living situation would be a better enviro nment than living in the parental home......
I think that any parent would be in over their head with this kind of situation.....

dandylion

***There is a good website that has tons of information and forums (sort of like SR)....www.ADDitude.com. You might want to check that o ut....this is not an uncommon situation! It also lends itself to drugs or alcohol as a self medication of all the symptoms that you mentioned.
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Old 07-17-2016, 05:23 PM
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jon, i see that you've been here since 2008....and that every time things go south for your son, you end up letting him come back home. so that he can get his sh#t together......again. i understand you fear for his ability to survive on his own, but he also knows that he doesn't have to try THAT hard, because he can always come home......and not have to be fiscally prudent or worry about paying the rent, or where his next meal is coming from, or holding down a job..........

he can instead make stupid choices and not pay the consequences.

what if you viewed him as a capable adult? and if he wants to drive a POS car, fine. and if he thinks he needs $70 sunglasses fine. and if he's going to drink himself into the gutter, fine. he's not a boy any more.....he's almost 40. what he does with HIS life......is HIS life.
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Old 07-17-2016, 06:38 PM
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My brother is an adult with a high IQ but incapable of dealing with life and the real world. He has an education but hasn't managed to get a job and refuses to work at jobs he is overly qualified for. My dad has been paying for everything or else my brother will end up homeless. Rent, car, food, cell phone....you name it, it's all paid for. However, my dad is at his wits end too. This can't go on. The guilt of my brother being homeless drives my dad to keep enabling and we all hope of my brother just getting on his own two feet and lead a "normal adult life" but it hasn't happened yet.
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Old 07-17-2016, 06:44 PM
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Yeah. I don't think he'll ever have his **** together as in leading a normal life with family and children, etc. I am just trying to be patient while he gets into disability and some sort of housing. He is working on getting section 8 housing, but that too takes time. His appointment is on the 20th, an appointment he's had for at least 2 months.

Regarding a halfway house, we don't want to pay for that, which we would have to do at first. And halfway houses are temporary. We are trying to help him get on his own.

If he drinks, he's out. If he doesn't get a job in three weeks, he's out till he gets a job. When he gets his disability, he's out. That's about all his mother and I are capable of doing at this point. We are unwilling to willynilly kick him into a homeless situation when he is showing some signs of improvement.

This last trip to rehab was his 3rd. It was the first one that was totally his initiative. He made the arrangements for admission and insurance (Medicaid). Since there are some signs of improvement, we are trying to work with him. It is stressful, but there does appear to be an end in sight.

We've read various books on the subject of dealing with mentally ill adult children. There are various approaches. Hard core Alanon would say, totally kick him out, etc. Other approaches are not so harsh.

We are trying to find the balance and the right path in this situation.
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Old 07-17-2016, 09:09 PM
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Jon, I'm so sorry for the situation you're in. I hope your son's recovery continues to improve.

I really recommend listening to this radio show: The Problem with the Solution : Invisibilia : NPR It's an hour long, but a really informative listen about why we may be too close to our loved ones with mental illness to offer them the kind of living situation they need. It gave me a lot to think about in dealing with a troubled person in my life.
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Old 07-17-2016, 10:37 PM
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I know it is difficult to accept that a family member has a mental illness and then accept that they may not have the ability to fulfill YOUR dreams for them and their future. It is difficult to let these dreams go, but they are YOUR dreams and not HIS dreams. It may be that you are inadvertently shaming your son. He probably know that you are disappointed in him. This can do great damage to someone with a mental illness. They WANT to be normal, but the truth is, they are not. They need to cope with life in a way that is counterintuitive and "common sense" for people without mental illness. Have you ever heard of NAMI? It is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Try to get in contact with them, or even just go to the website. They can give you a lot of great information and guidance on how to "help" your son. Their are local chapters as well.

In many ways, you are doing a lot of things right. Try not to be "embarrassed" by your son. He cannot help that he has a mental illness and it only adds to the stigma of MI and to his own shame. Try to accept him as he is and love him as your son.

I am not saying that his using is acceptable. It is far from it. But, it is how he has learned to cope. He needs to learn new skills. Try not to judge him for what you perceive as immature decisions. It is likely just part of his illness and you will need to accept that, however, allow him to make these immature decisions so that he can experience the consequences of them is very important for his recovery.
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Old 07-17-2016, 11:39 PM
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^^^^^^^^^^Thanks. caretaler88......for this insightful post....

I think that help from outside sources is so important for the family as well as the individual with developmental disorders/MI......it is more than most families are prepared to cope with on their own......

I send you much encouragement, jonbald......
It does take a Village.....

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Old 07-18-2016, 05:20 AM
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It sounds like he's making an effort, at least. I've seen many people with pretty serious mental health problems get sober and stay that way, but they definitely have challenges the average alcoholic does not.

It's up to you whether he remains in your home. You can be loving and supportive while finding alternative living arrangements. There are places out there, like sober living houses, and programs for people with dual diagnoses.

His problems are no reflection on you, personally. So it sounds as if one of YOUR main challenges is to work on maintaining healthy boundaries with others, including him. If you choose to give him a gift (i.e., the car), it's his choice what to do with it. You can make a boundary that if he makes poor choices, he lives with the consequences of those choices (i.e., he buys a clunker that needs repairs, he pays for the repairs or finds alternative ways to get around). You don't need to be managing EVERYTHING for him. A bit of help with legitimate unexpected problems is one thing, but managing the consequences of his actions is another.
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Old 07-18-2016, 08:21 AM
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I agree about how difficult it is to stop enabling. I have been told the most loving thing we can do is kick them out. However, that is easier said than done. The reason ours is still with us is that his most recent rehab was his own initiative and that shows movement in the right direction. Also, he is cooperating at applying for subsidized housing. Plus he is living by house rules we setup. He has applied for disability and has attorneys helping him with that. It depresses him to think the rest of his life is just disability and menial jobs, but he is proceeding anyway. That will take some time because most disability cases take about 1.5 years and you get turned down more than once, having to appeal the case. Hopefully your brother can take some steps to get on his own, but it sounds like your dad is going to have to toughen up. It's hard.
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Old 07-18-2016, 08:34 AM
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You're pretty on target. I'll check the NAMI website. Thanks.
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Old 07-18-2016, 08:37 AM
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Agreed. I have already decided that if he buys a clunker, he can live with it. It is a hard situation.
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Old 07-18-2016, 08:52 AM
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I would say if he is living with you currently, and you are making contribution to his finances, you do have a right to decide how he is spending some of his own money. That is just my .02

I know it's really hard.
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Old 07-18-2016, 08:53 AM
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CORRECTION...........

I posted the wrong link to ADD website.....thankfully, biminiblue pointed out this mistake....(thanks, bimini)...

The correct on is :
www.adhdawareness.com/adhd-message-boards.html


Sorry for any confusion!!
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Old 07-22-2016, 03:58 PM
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Just throwing some support your way, by saying good for your son, in making some forward advances! That shows some healthy thinking, by realizing his capabilities, and perhaps he will keep going, when he can feel more pride in his self... and less of a burden on others.

hang in there, it sounds hopeful to me

When my son was evaluated and determined to have a personality disorder which causes him to make a lot of the decisions he does, I had to accept that he is who he is, and I need to most of all, love him for who he is. We all need to feel loved and accepted, especially those who have felt like failures, for most of their lives.
I cannot make my son homeless either. I wish he would someday come to realize that he has a condition and could also get disability, but that is a lot to swallow for someone who is high IQ (and I suspect Adhd)

good wishes, and keep venting and sharing all you want. You are not alone!
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Old 07-31-2016, 03:01 PM
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I'm with those who says there has to be some consequences. I've seen enablers put no boundaries on adult addicts & alkies and what happens is they expect them to literally pay for their mistakes. They just don't want them to help them or go to them because they are easy they develop a sense of entitlement or undeserved expectation they will be bailed out. Once at this stage it's harder to say NO and harder to accept NO from the alkie's/addict's standpoint.

Sober is good. Learning to cope or be independent is just as good.
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Old 08-02-2016, 04:48 PM
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Update

It is still a struggle living with him. We do have a right to some say in his financial matters if he is living with us! He supposedly has been told he has a job at Macy's pending a successful background check. But, it's taking a long time for them to contact him and when he calls them, he gets a voice mail that is full. Meanwhile he has gotten a car, much thanks to my shopping skills. He seemed to want my help with that part of his life, not like other things where he wants to be left alone. To make matters worse, he decided to quit smoking. He came to us with a "deal." He needed money for gas and a "date" with someone he met online. He said if we'd loan him some money, added to his car loan, he would quit smoking and the consequence of smoking again would be to move out to the Salvation Army. The way I feel today is I wish I'd taken him up on that offer, because he is moody and sullen (stopping smoking will do that to you). I just go through these cycles where I get weary of his demeanor and attitude. I know I'm supposed to love him unconditionally and let him live with the consequences of his behavior, but I don't find him very loveable. And yes, his mother and I have started attending Alanon meetings. It just gets tiresome and it helps to write about it.
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Old 08-02-2016, 05:46 PM
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Hi Jon, I haven't been in your situation but it sure sounds like you have educated yourself and are maneuvering the situation to the best of your abilities.

Keep posting and letting us know how it goes.
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Old 08-02-2016, 06:48 PM
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Motives. Love has a right hand and a left.
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Old 08-02-2016, 10:10 PM
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I totally understand how you feel. It is exhausting dealing with an alcoholic/addict - of course you want to help when he is moving in the right direction, but there are so many challenges. The stakes are so high - which is stressful for parents who are aging and would like a break from drama and chaos.

Everyone has such sympathy and understanding for the alcoholic/addict, but the parents are often pathologized and thought of as "sick" if they try to prevent their kid from decisions that will render them homeless. I can't think of anything more frightening for a parent.

Good that you are getting support.

I am not personally a fan of Alanon, but many have found it helpful and I hope it is so for you and your family.

A therapist would also be good for you.

The sad part is that parents are dependent upon their alcoholic/addict children to act sane - and if they have personality disorders or mental illnesses, that really can't be expected. The burden falls on the parents . . .

I have been trying to escape this nightmare for years. I feel like a "victim" because it kills me to think of my alcoholic/addict relative suffering in any way. I don't know how parents/grandparents detach . . . it's very difficult and it depends on the "kid." After awhile, you just can't do it anymore. It sucks the joy right out of life.

I hope your story has a happy ending
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