heather59901

My alcoholic and I have been separated for 8 months. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter and 2 1/2 year old son together. My ex has missed a lot. He hasn't seen our kids since their birthday party 6 months ago. He calls pretty much every week. Sometimes I talk to him, sometimes I don't. We usually end of arguing and one of us ends up hanging up on the other. How our conversations go tends to dictate how often he calls. The past week, he called 3 days in a row. He talks about work, asks a little bit about the kids and complains about his financial situation. Although he has a good paying job, he says he has no money. I'm sure this is true because in addition to being an alcoholic, he also is a compulsive gambler. He lives alone in one of those one room extended stay places, kind of like a studio apartment, but a total dive. I have been getting the feeling lately he has been hinting at coming back home. He has made comments lately about how he believes we are going to get back together, he is just waiting for me to not be mad anymore. I told him that my dealbreaker is his addiction. On Friday he called. It was his birthday. He said the guys from work took him out to the bar for drinks but that he was really good. He only had a few drinks and didn't stay long as he tried to prove by pointing out the time (it was 6:30pm). Then he started talking about how he has been doing some thinking and he knows he has really hurt all of us and he is sorry. He knows he is a liar and that he is really trying to do better. I was caught off guard because he is not one to apologize. Typically everything is just someone else's fault. Then he asked if he could come over Saturday night and make dinner for me and our kids. I said ok. He told me if something came up he would call. He has been begging me for months to let him come over and see the kids and I have refused because of his drinking. So, I guess I thought now that he finally got me to say ok to him coming, he would make it. Nope. Never showed. Never called. Nothing. I called and left him a message on his machine and I heard him pick up the phone and hang it up in the middle of the message. I was just saying that I wished he had the decency to call and it's too bad he found something more important to do than see his kids. I'm not surprised, but once again disappointed. I almost feel like he did this on purpose to intentionally set me up for disappointment. And it's bothering me this morning. why can't I let this go? Why do I even care? Why did he spend months begging to come over so that when I finally said yes, he could blow us off?

AnvilheadII

Why did he spend months begging to come over so that when I finally said yes, he could blow us off?

seriously i doubt he put THAT much thought into as far as an EVIL plan. there is a part of him that DOES want to see his kids, and a part of him that wants you to back down and let him come home and a BIGGER part that mucks that all up.........alcoholism. best laid plans and all that.

try not to take what he does personal......he drinks because that is what alcoholics with an untreated disease DO. and they will do at the worst possible times. Another member just posted about his wife getting drunk the morning of their daughter's wedding........

i'd suggest you use these recent events to rethink YOUR boundaries and the LEVEL of contact you have with him. what he did was pretty unforgiveable, disappointing his children. thus it would be best to not have possible visits and get the kids' hopes up. not make it a big deal about him coming over, or taking them for ice cream or anything that might break their little hearts. they must be protected from him actions.

pick like Tuesday at 5pm when he can call and talk to the kids. and if he doesn't call, he doesn't get a pass for the next day. no more him calling just to chat about HIS life. he hasn't made the effort to SEE his kids in 6 months OR send any money for their welfare. time to play hardball.........

dandylion

Heather......as Anvilhead just pointed out......alcoholics. who are still in the throes of alcoholism. are not usually drinking AT us....they are just doing what alcoholics do...they drink. That is the disease part...overwhelming compulsion to drink alcohol.....
They drink to make themselves feel better..or, at least, to feel "normal".
Even if they had no intention of hurting us...they still can break our hearts in the worst way!
"Ill bet that he interrupted your message because of his own g u ilt and shame ...and he may have been drinking at that moment, also.

It is hard to remember this...but try....ANYTHING said, while a person is intoxicated. is said by an ALTERED MIND....not a "normal mind".....
NOTHING that they say can be taken very seriously. They are altered and their altered mind doesn't even know it is altered!!

He is still controlled by the alcohol. He can't trust himself. So, he is far from capable of keeping promises to anyone else. And....his denial shields him form this self knowledge.....
Form your own sake, though, it is important for you to know.......

I am hoping that some other mothers..parents...can come along, shortly, to share with you what they have done to protect themselves and their children from excess disappointment in this kind of scenario......

I KNOE how much it breaks your heart..every time something like this happens....

Beware...I sense that he is trying to get his nose under the tent...and, worm his way back in.....
LOL...I can see that you suspect the same thing....

dandylion

NadoMama

My ex-husband blew us off constantly. My kids are older than yours, now 8 and 10, and at the time were in the 5/6 and 7/8 zone, so it was a lot harder on them. As hard as it is on you, emotionally, I hope you can find some solace in the fact that your children are so young that they probably don't even realize what is going on. Mine were broken by what happened, and it took a long time and a lot of hard work to get them even slightly healed. It is still a work in progress. For a while I wanted to still give them the chance to see their dad, if he was going to bother showing up, so I just didn't tell them when he was planning to come over. That way, their feelings weren't hurt when he didn't show up. I was still angry at him, but I'm an adult and I can handle that. It wasn't so much the not coming as the not letting us know he wasn't going to come. At least for me. For the kids it was all the same, but at least we wouldn't have sat around all day waiting to go on an outing. We'd just have gone without him and salvaged the day as best as possible.

Eventually he was homeless and living in his car. Two incidents unrelated to his flakiness were the final straws that broke this camel's back. I dumped him at a detox facility and when they called me to a family meeting, requested by him, I told him that I was done. He had to do this for himself, without my help. He needed to be 100% focused on his own recovery, without the distraction of us. I needed to be able to help the kids get better, without the distraction of him.

By that time I had noticed that every time he came around the kids regressed and their behavior worsened. Too much up and down for them. I told him one year...one year of sobriety and he could be part of their lives. After a while I would make exceptions for special occasions, but only superficially. He still didn't really get it, but I had set clear boundaries and I was finally able to help the kids heal a bit.

Your kids are still young and can come through this with no memories of the hard times. While it is sad that they don't get to see their dad, it is probably not affecting them too much, as long as they are surrounded by plenty of love and attention from the other adults in their lives. You are the one who is being hurt by him right now. For me, I was done already at that point and was only thinking of contact with him in relation to facilitating contact with the children. I don't know where you are. From the outside looking in, I would give him permission to be selfish (not like he isn't already doing that anyway) and set a timeline. If he's like my ex, he's too lazy to bother to utilize legal channels to get visitation. As an example say: you have to be sober (not drinks on your birthday with the boys, but sober) for 6 months and then you can talk to them on the phone. After 9 months you can have short, supervised visits and come over for birthdays and Christmas. After a year you can have short visits where you are allowed to walk them to the park, unsupervised. Your visits and calls will be on Tuesday at 5:00pm. After 1.5 years maybe longer visits a couple of times a week, but still based out of my place. Routine is important. Missing without notification and good reasons means a reevaluation of the entire thing. After 2 years we can reconsider and look at more freedom and time. It is all about what is best for the kids and what keeps them safe, happy, and healthy.

ladyscribbler

Be careful assuming that he will be too lazy to pursue custody or visitation through legal means. I made that mistake with my ex and ended up in a 2 year custody fight with that fool.

I like the idea of setting some parameters around his contact with the kids. It will eliminate the unnecessary back and forth between you two, which sounds like it's causing you a lot of stress. That's not good for you or your children. It will also prevent him from saying that you are preventing him from having contact with them.

Was there a timeline or any type of plan for the separation? Or just "Stay gone till you're sober." Take care. I know how horrible this feels. He's not doing this on purpose to hurt you, he's just not in a place to be able to think past his next drink.

hopeful4

I think we give them too much credit. So many of us here are always trying to "figure out why" they do this or that. I don't think they know why other than they are addicts, and addicts are seriously selfish people in serious denial. We give them way too much credit for even having a thought process about all of this.

He has shown you who he is, a lying, gambling, addict. Believe him, and don't expect anything from him at all, nothing. When your mind can accept that, the pain is much less. It will always hurt because you have children with him. It's hurts to see your babies hurt. However, you have a chance to be open and honest with them as they get older so they understand addiction, and you are breaking the chain.

I am so sorry you are hurting. Gentle, tight hugs.

AdelineRose

Unfortunately, alcoholics only think about themselves. He is unable to think past his own needs, wants, and wishes. Maybe he intended to come see his kids, but the problem with addiction is it fills the person with a long list of things they would like to do, but none of it ever happens because alcohol or drugs always come first.

I have found sitting down and writing a letter to the person where you let EVERYTHING out and say everything you need to say out and then throwing it out has helped me out a lot when I can't let something go. I never actually send the letter, I just write it all out, get it off my chest, and then let it go.

atalose

He changed up his usual and you reacted to it by saying ok, when in FACT nothing at all had changed except "his words".

I agree with over thinking their plans on hurting us as if it was intentional. They have no plans EVER except when it come to feeding their addictions. It is so very hard NOT to take what they do personally but moving forward you now have more knowledge.

pndm07

Hi there. My supposedly recovering AH just blew me off right before I had hip surgery and he knew I needed help around the house, and with our 6 y/o son. It was a great time to drink (I'm being sarcastic). He is saying he's sorry, and then acted surprised that I want to divorce him (I told him after his last relapse that I would if it happens again). I am trying so hard to understand why he would do this to us, and just have to conclude that he is sick, and while drinking (or even entertaining the thought), cannot be expected to keep up with the bare minimum responsibilities that a normal, regular, responsible person has. This is the most frustrating thing about it.

We get up in the morning, go to work, take care of kids, pay our bills, show up when we are supposed to, and keep our commitments. And it's really not such a big deal for us. They get up in the morning, drink, pass out, miss work, don't show up where they are needed, and then seek sympathy from us (and anyone else) when we say we won't put up with it any more. And in the process they wreck our lives because we are expecting (or hoping) that they will keep their words. And since they do keep their word sometimes (like when they are sober), it is even more disappointing when they don't. It gives me a headache just thinking about it.

I told my AH yesterday when he asked if he could see our son on weekends again that he can when he gets sober for a good period of time. I wonder how much of an incentive that will be. It is sad and ridiculous that the drinking overwhelms their desires and responsibilities as a parent. I feel just what you are going through. Be strong (I know it is very hard).