Almost moved on
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 20
Almost moved on
I have read a lot here over the past couple of years, but haven't posted much. I was hurt by an addict a few years ago and at times, the pain still lingers. I fell in love with him, not knowing he was an addict, and I guess who I fell in love with was not a real person but who he presented himself to be-I'm not sure. He removed himself from my life abruptly and I was left confused for a long time because I foolishly had thought "the one" had come into my life. Families were involved and such making it really hard for me to just stop caring and to let go. After the overnight complete change and text message breakup apologizing and stating bad timing, I had felt I had done something wrong. Months later he told me of his addiction.
Because of this relationship ending, I have faced some dark times over the past couple years and I don't completely understand why. It was a breakup-they happen-but this has affected me far worse than a normal breakup. My trust with others and myself have struggled.
I guess the disregard from him is what hurts most of all. He doesn't live in my town, and I have no contact with him but emotionally it has been really hard to completely let go. Through the grapevine and my own choosing of wanting to know, he had met someone through work who was married and now all of a sudden she is divorced and with my ex. She has a child from another previous relationship and I believe is now pregnant with my ex. He was married for 6 years before I met him, no kids. Told me when he told me of addiction he didn't know if he wanted kids and he knew I did.
This is all very dramatic and NOT me so on one hand I say hmmm interesting and I can see clearly. On the other hand I think why is timing with her right? Why is she right for you?
He came into MY life and awoke in me this amazing, passionate love and friendship and then poof, gone! That's probably one of the crappiest things one can do to another human being in an emotional sense. He presented himself to me in the most genuine of ways and pursued me-asking to meet my parents, writing them a note about can't waiting to see them next time, asking me to meet his parents. I guess it was just all a scheme I don't know. He said he would've never done all that if he had known this "thing would rear its ugly head again" but after reading and learning about addiction, I get confused. Is it not rearing its ugly head now that he's in a relationship with this new person? Why'd he choose her? I'm pretty sure this is unhealthy thinking but dang I can't help but think things sometimes.
I know the pain lingers because I let it and let myself see and know things I probably shouldn't, but it's been really difficult to let go of this and him-which I guess was just a fantasy in my head and heart. I didn't want it to end, obviously, and I've always felt like there was so much truth I didn't know and that finding out truths would make me heal a bit easier.
My mind plays tricks on me because I had someone come into my life who I trusted and thought the world of and overnight he changed and I never really knew or understood the truth. I guess I still think of him as that person and it was someone I didn't want to let go of. I tell myself that wasn't him but when I see him in this new relationship ,in pictures happy and smiling, that person I did fall in love with is who comes to mind and I still miss him. This makes it harder to get over than thinking of someone addicted to pills who would choose them over anything else...because that's not what I see.
Because of this relationship ending, I have faced some dark times over the past couple years and I don't completely understand why. It was a breakup-they happen-but this has affected me far worse than a normal breakup. My trust with others and myself have struggled.
I guess the disregard from him is what hurts most of all. He doesn't live in my town, and I have no contact with him but emotionally it has been really hard to completely let go. Through the grapevine and my own choosing of wanting to know, he had met someone through work who was married and now all of a sudden she is divorced and with my ex. She has a child from another previous relationship and I believe is now pregnant with my ex. He was married for 6 years before I met him, no kids. Told me when he told me of addiction he didn't know if he wanted kids and he knew I did.
This is all very dramatic and NOT me so on one hand I say hmmm interesting and I can see clearly. On the other hand I think why is timing with her right? Why is she right for you?
He came into MY life and awoke in me this amazing, passionate love and friendship and then poof, gone! That's probably one of the crappiest things one can do to another human being in an emotional sense. He presented himself to me in the most genuine of ways and pursued me-asking to meet my parents, writing them a note about can't waiting to see them next time, asking me to meet his parents. I guess it was just all a scheme I don't know. He said he would've never done all that if he had known this "thing would rear its ugly head again" but after reading and learning about addiction, I get confused. Is it not rearing its ugly head now that he's in a relationship with this new person? Why'd he choose her? I'm pretty sure this is unhealthy thinking but dang I can't help but think things sometimes.
I know the pain lingers because I let it and let myself see and know things I probably shouldn't, but it's been really difficult to let go of this and him-which I guess was just a fantasy in my head and heart. I didn't want it to end, obviously, and I've always felt like there was so much truth I didn't know and that finding out truths would make me heal a bit easier.
My mind plays tricks on me because I had someone come into my life who I trusted and thought the world of and overnight he changed and I never really knew or understood the truth. I guess I still think of him as that person and it was someone I didn't want to let go of. I tell myself that wasn't him but when I see him in this new relationship ,in pictures happy and smiling, that person I did fall in love with is who comes to mind and I still miss him. This makes it harder to get over than thinking of someone addicted to pills who would choose them over anything else...because that's not what I see.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's a textbook example of what addicts do. It has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do- addicts are narcissists. They use and discard.
It sounds like you may be torturing yourself by checking his social media? If so, please stop. That's no more the real him than the image he presented to you. Both are false, very carefully crafted misrepresentations of his true self.
I am divorcing an addict and am having to face the same reality. Every day I have to make a conscious decision not to look at his Facebook page. Once when I was feeling very strong and "over" him, I thought I could handle it. I thought I might even get a kick out of it, since I knew I was so much better off without him. No. It was painful. It was unnecessary. I can't do it again.
My advice is to work on yourself. Learn some new skills, pick up some new hobbies. Have some good clean fun, and you will meet someone who enjoys doing the same.
I wish you peace and happiness. You deserve both.
It sounds like you may be torturing yourself by checking his social media? If so, please stop. That's no more the real him than the image he presented to you. Both are false, very carefully crafted misrepresentations of his true self.
I am divorcing an addict and am having to face the same reality. Every day I have to make a conscious decision not to look at his Facebook page. Once when I was feeling very strong and "over" him, I thought I could handle it. I thought I might even get a kick out of it, since I knew I was so much better off without him. No. It was painful. It was unnecessary. I can't do it again.
My advice is to work on yourself. Learn some new skills, pick up some new hobbies. Have some good clean fun, and you will meet someone who enjoys doing the same.
I wish you peace and happiness. You deserve both.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 20
Agh, thank you for the kindness and patience-I appreciate it and you.
He was against Facebook and not on it. So, he isn't on there but I got a Merry Christmas text and a friend request from his dad this past December (kinda out of the blue) so I was able to see his work page and I looked and saw a few pictures. Curiosity gets the best of me at times.
Here are some things that are still boggling my mind:
1. I read on here how people say "like attracts like" and it scares me. I not only liked this man, I fell hard in love with him and thought he was the absolute best person...until the overnight change and the disregard of me and our relationship in the months that followed. Not to sound too dramatic, but going through it all was a bit traumatic for me. So, does that mean even without my knowing of it, since he was sick and an addict, that there's something internally wrong with me? If like attracts like...I just don't get it.
2. I don't think drugs were being used when we met but can't be sure I know...It probably doesn't matter, but I don't know if they came actively into picture again and he used (he had told me he felt defeated when I could tell something was wrong) but with such a physical and emotional sudden change that I saw in him, I assume this. Nothing bad happened between the 2 of us and although we weren't together long, I had let him in and trusted him very much. Live and learn I guess.
3. Now that he is with someone new who has a child, I feel like his world is brighter and he is staying clean and happy and when he came into my life he was clean and happy but something changed when we started dating and psychologically it makes me feel like I couldn't love him the right way or something, I dunno. I know the cause/control quote and that it's nothing to do with me words but that's where my feelings go.
4. If he is with someone that has a child and if addict behavior is to use and discard, I don't understand. He wasn't a bad person and someone with a heart wouldn't be using and discarding a child for no reason. I see him smiling in pictures and the girl and child smiling too...and from what I can tell they are now having a baby together.
If he's healthy, I prayed for that and I'm happy for him but it makes me sad that he acted in a way that he wanted me out of his life, especially when I didn't want it to end when it all went down, and now he's loving life with someone else...while I've tried to climb emotional mountains the past couple years trying to move on from this.
He was against Facebook and not on it. So, he isn't on there but I got a Merry Christmas text and a friend request from his dad this past December (kinda out of the blue) so I was able to see his work page and I looked and saw a few pictures. Curiosity gets the best of me at times.
Here are some things that are still boggling my mind:
1. I read on here how people say "like attracts like" and it scares me. I not only liked this man, I fell hard in love with him and thought he was the absolute best person...until the overnight change and the disregard of me and our relationship in the months that followed. Not to sound too dramatic, but going through it all was a bit traumatic for me. So, does that mean even without my knowing of it, since he was sick and an addict, that there's something internally wrong with me? If like attracts like...I just don't get it.
2. I don't think drugs were being used when we met but can't be sure I know...It probably doesn't matter, but I don't know if they came actively into picture again and he used (he had told me he felt defeated when I could tell something was wrong) but with such a physical and emotional sudden change that I saw in him, I assume this. Nothing bad happened between the 2 of us and although we weren't together long, I had let him in and trusted him very much. Live and learn I guess.
3. Now that he is with someone new who has a child, I feel like his world is brighter and he is staying clean and happy and when he came into my life he was clean and happy but something changed when we started dating and psychologically it makes me feel like I couldn't love him the right way or something, I dunno. I know the cause/control quote and that it's nothing to do with me words but that's where my feelings go.
4. If he is with someone that has a child and if addict behavior is to use and discard, I don't understand. He wasn't a bad person and someone with a heart wouldn't be using and discarding a child for no reason. I see him smiling in pictures and the girl and child smiling too...and from what I can tell they are now having a baby together.
If he's healthy, I prayed for that and I'm happy for him but it makes me sad that he acted in a way that he wanted me out of his life, especially when I didn't want it to end when it all went down, and now he's loving life with someone else...while I've tried to climb emotional mountains the past couple years trying to move on from this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
My soon to be ex-husband has a heart of gold. He loves me to pieces, and loves our kids just as much. That didn't keep the addict in him from stealing my identity to run up $40,000 debt in my name in just one year, or flirting online with a 15 year old girl, or nearly killing our kids with his irresponsible, nonsensical behavior- just to name a few examples.
His pain is palpable- he knows how badly he screwed up, and wants to make things right. He paid $800 for a postnuptial agreement to prove to me that he would make it all right- and then proceeded to break every promise in that document. I know every time he makes a promise he INTENDS to keep it, but the addict in him won't let him. He's possessed, really. He's been taken over. It doesn't matter what kind of man he is deep down, because he's no longer the one operating his life.
As for the "like attracts like" aspect- I once read a horoscope that was so very on point for me. It said that I could keep pointing the finger and blaming the other person for what went wrong in our relationship, but that Mercury wouldn't let me... would force me to own up to my part, because ultimately, I have a chemical imbalance that got me into that situation in the first place.
So, yes, something's very wrong with you. Very, very wrong. Not to drill it in, or anything, but sometimes we need to hear this. I did. Because when we realize this, we get to work. And we really do have to put the work in. We have to be every bit as diligent about our recovery as they would have to be. Go to meetings. Make conscious decisions every day to not fall into the same patterns. And thoroughly vet any romantic prospects- you do not want to have to go through this again, but you have to accept that, without putting the work in, you very well might.
But you can do this. Good luck.
His pain is palpable- he knows how badly he screwed up, and wants to make things right. He paid $800 for a postnuptial agreement to prove to me that he would make it all right- and then proceeded to break every promise in that document. I know every time he makes a promise he INTENDS to keep it, but the addict in him won't let him. He's possessed, really. He's been taken over. It doesn't matter what kind of man he is deep down, because he's no longer the one operating his life.
As for the "like attracts like" aspect- I once read a horoscope that was so very on point for me. It said that I could keep pointing the finger and blaming the other person for what went wrong in our relationship, but that Mercury wouldn't let me... would force me to own up to my part, because ultimately, I have a chemical imbalance that got me into that situation in the first place.
So, yes, something's very wrong with you. Very, very wrong. Not to drill it in, or anything, but sometimes we need to hear this. I did. Because when we realize this, we get to work. And we really do have to put the work in. We have to be every bit as diligent about our recovery as they would have to be. Go to meetings. Make conscious decisions every day to not fall into the same patterns. And thoroughly vet any romantic prospects- you do not want to have to go through this again, but you have to accept that, without putting the work in, you very well might.
But you can do this. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 117
I am sorry you are feeling this way. It is very hard to let go and accept addiction for what it is. I too, have beaten myself up for over a year and your story could be "my story". They are nearly identical.
Sending you big hugs!
Sending you big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you are going to have to find a way to let this go. it's not just a matter of months now, it's YEARS, WAY longer than you two were ever together as a couple.
it would be wise to do some internal work on WHY you allowed yourself to fall so hard and so fast and now have such a hard time letting go.
he has moved on. that is what people ARE SUPPOSED TO DO after they break up. he wasn't a possession. people are allowed to come in and out of our lives as THEY see fit. we can't lock them in the basement!
continuing to watch HIS life, to know intimate details, is almost a little creepy don't ya think? would you want some ex still tracking what YOU were doing?
it's time to close that chapter. it happened. it ended. sometimes that is all the closure we get. and then we move on with OUR OWN LIVES.
it would be wise to do some internal work on WHY you allowed yourself to fall so hard and so fast and now have such a hard time letting go.
he has moved on. that is what people ARE SUPPOSED TO DO after they break up. he wasn't a possession. people are allowed to come in and out of our lives as THEY see fit. we can't lock them in the basement!
continuing to watch HIS life, to know intimate details, is almost a little creepy don't ya think? would you want some ex still tracking what YOU were doing?
it's time to close that chapter. it happened. it ended. sometimes that is all the closure we get. and then we move on with OUR OWN LIVES.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
