manicpanic156

So my AH moved out and the sense of peace and well-being around the house is truly amazing. I feel like I can focus in on my kids and have the space and time to truly "work on myself" and heal from all of my deep seated issues.

I'm just curious on how the heck do I do that? What are ya'll doing? I've been to plenty of al-anon meetings but I guess I'm confused at what actual work needs to be done? I'm truly ready to dig deep and solve these issues.

One thing I've done that is different...There are a couple of guys in my immediate circle that are very interested in me. And I've turned both of them down repeatedly because I KNOW that the worst thing I can do right now is get involved with anyone. I actually crave this alone, being single time and focusing in on my kids. But I know it isn't enough.

Would love your ideas/thoughts...

Eddiebuckle

Going to meetings is great, but have you worked all 12 steps with a sponsor? Your instincts about romantic relationships is spot on - give it at least a year before you pursue another relationship. Good luck!

TropicalWinter

I think it varies depending on the person and the situation. I'll tell you some of what I've been doing:

First and foremost, I have an amazing therapist who I see weekly and can contact any time via text or email. He is instrumental to my healing and growth.

One thing my therapist keeps reminding me to do is to make myself my priority. To this end, I have worked on being more mindful about my self care, including exercise and body image work.

I have found dozens of amazing, uplifting podcasts that I listen to whenever possible, like when I'm driving without my kids, walking, or sometimes doing housework. These podcasts are helping me to reprogram my mental and emotional habits into a more healthy mindset.

I don't get as much chance to read as I'd like (I'm a single mom of 3 and in school myself), but I do read helpful books when I can. I have a very long to-read list.

On deck for me as far as things I want to do more of and/or start: I have been toying with the idea of starting to do yoga, and I want to start journaling more. I also want to (and am working on) becoming more in tune with my body, both my physicality and my instincts/inner world.

With all these things, I'm doing better now than I have been, quite literally, in my entire life. I've heard that life begins at 40, and that is definitely turning out to be the case for me.

I want to be healthy and whole SO much, that it's worth the growing pains and work.

maia1234

MP,
Great idea, for looking for ideas to help your future. I went to 2 open AA meetings and 2 alanon meetings a week plus sober recovery every night. I did everything I could to educate myself about this horrible disease.

Take the time to find out what you like and what you want to do with your future. Find out why you enable people and how you got into this situation in the first place. Dig deep on who ManicPanic is...... Just like an addict they don't recommend you entering into another relationship till you figure out what went wrong with the first.

Take your time work on yourself and it will all fall into place the way it's suppose too!! Sending hugs my friend!!

ladyscribbler

Good going on the meetings. I get to two a week whenever possible. I think that "working on me" looks a little different for everyone. The meetings are part of it for me, I also do individual therapy. I have about 2 appointments a month. I keep a journal, 2-3 pages every morning. I like to do hot yoga 3-4 times a week. I try to meditate daily. The mind/body work helps me a lot with all my "stuff," not just my codependency.

Not all the "work" necessarily looks like work. I think an important part of my recovery has been to loosen up and do different things strictly for fun. I've been to the roller derby, an arts and crafts day for veterans at the local arts center- I took DS7- music festivals. I did most of those things alone. I basically dated myself for three years. I've systematically gotten rid of my old, raggedy "low self-worth" clothes and bought myself a pretty fab new wardrobe- mostly from thrift stores, but you'd never know it, even my PMS PJs are stylin' these days. I love browsing the library book store and Goodwill for books. All the stuff I never did when I was with my ex because, you know, I had to spend all my time, money and energy getting ready for or dealing with the latest crisis.

Eventually I got to the point where trying out my new, normal personality on members of the opposite sex seemed like a natural progression in my recovery. I am dating a "normie" (yes, they exist, I promise). You'll know if you're ready. It took me a very long time, but that time was well worth it.

Keep doing what you're doing. Enjoy your peace, enjoy your kids. You're definitely on the right track. Now get out there and have some fun!

manicpanic156

Thanks so much for all the ideas - it is making me feel like I'm on the right track. This place has been a true Godsend - I can't imagine where I'd be without it. It was an eye opener for sure and I think I'd still be spinning my wheels believing he is on the path towards great change and spending more years just waiting.

My sole focus right now is re-directing my energies towards cultivating a loving, sober, chaos free home and spending as much time with my kids as possible. I'm trying til fill up their days with wholesome fun and become a solid role model for them. I'm reading here as much as I can on my downtime and also trying to keep up with everything in the house.

Today I'm taking my daughter to a local park and "being in nature" which is her favorite. She is loving all the attention. I can't believe how many years went by where my sole focus was on my AH, his moods, making him happy so he wouldn't drink, arguing with him, and then being so drained from all of it that I would escape into my bedroom to recharge. It's only been a week and I feel like my patience with the kids has increased dramatically and my happiness is truly bubbling up to the surface.