Questions about alcoholics
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Questions about alcoholics
I ended up talking to my exAB and.....
Has anyone had a situation where you and your Alcoholic Boyfriend/Husband/Girlfriend/Wife Split up for a time and both people get the help they need AA and Alanon and they rekindle when the dust has settled and both people have worked on themselves?
My exAB is now a week sober ... Has come to terms with the end of his marriage ( divorce is final this month )and has suggested that we stay in each others lives and try to rebuild eventually. He has apologized for a lot but I don't think I can ever get past the pain and hurt he has caused me.
He has seemingly been very healthy in our few interactions and seems like he is on the road to recovery. I just am too angry with him for everything... I feel resolution and then I just get so so so angry..like I am spinning...
I guess what I am asking is there a way to have this actually work in the end with the right amount of work on both ends and sobriety on his?
He has put me through hell and back... And the mountain back to each other seems impossible even with sobriety.... He said he is incredibly hopeful that we can restore our relationship and he is committed to getting healthy with or without me but that he would like to see us together in the end.
To be honest ... I would like to as well... But I don't think I have it in me to move past the betrayal I felt from him... even if he was drinking daily and now he isn't ... even if he went years without drinking... There are no guarantees in relationships ...( I know that ) but from what I have gone through there is no harder break up than that of an alcoholic... or a sociopath ( I have now done both )... To me it seems that when alcoholics are active they tend to exhibit similar characteristics of sociopaths... ( the push and pull... the I love you..now go away... the cold and callus energy when the break up happens... the being so checked out you can't get to them or feel heard )....
On one hand I know to my core that I love this man... On the other hand I have just started to love myself (maybe for the first time ever) and I know I am fragile.... I feel messed up inside right now guys... Thanks for listening
Has anyone had a situation where you and your Alcoholic Boyfriend/Husband/Girlfriend/Wife Split up for a time and both people get the help they need AA and Alanon and they rekindle when the dust has settled and both people have worked on themselves?
My exAB is now a week sober ... Has come to terms with the end of his marriage ( divorce is final this month )and has suggested that we stay in each others lives and try to rebuild eventually. He has apologized for a lot but I don't think I can ever get past the pain and hurt he has caused me.
He has seemingly been very healthy in our few interactions and seems like he is on the road to recovery. I just am too angry with him for everything... I feel resolution and then I just get so so so angry..like I am spinning...
I guess what I am asking is there a way to have this actually work in the end with the right amount of work on both ends and sobriety on his?
He has put me through hell and back... And the mountain back to each other seems impossible even with sobriety.... He said he is incredibly hopeful that we can restore our relationship and he is committed to getting healthy with or without me but that he would like to see us together in the end.
To be honest ... I would like to as well... But I don't think I have it in me to move past the betrayal I felt from him... even if he was drinking daily and now he isn't ... even if he went years without drinking... There are no guarantees in relationships ...( I know that ) but from what I have gone through there is no harder break up than that of an alcoholic... or a sociopath ( I have now done both )... To me it seems that when alcoholics are active they tend to exhibit similar characteristics of sociopaths... ( the push and pull... the I love you..now go away... the cold and callus energy when the break up happens... the being so checked out you can't get to them or feel heard )....
On one hand I know to my core that I love this man... On the other hand I have just started to love myself (maybe for the first time ever) and I know I am fragile.... I feel messed up inside right now guys... Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Be true to yourself. I have been on both sides of the fence.
I was damaged goods both from my own addictions, and from being married to an active alcoholic/addict.
That relationship was not repairable.
As a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict, I can tell you that a week sober is a mere drop in the bucket. The hard work lies ahead, and over the years I have watched most of them go back out there after being in recovery.
For me, I had to be true to myself. Keeping you in my prayers!
I was damaged goods both from my own addictions, and from being married to an active alcoholic/addict.
That relationship was not repairable.
As a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict, I can tell you that a week sober is a mere drop in the bucket. The hard work lies ahead, and over the years I have watched most of them go back out there after being in recovery.
For me, I had to be true to myself. Keeping you in my prayers!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
My AH got sober for 3+ years, went to AA religiously, then relapsed. He is currently in active relapse. I wanted more than anything for him to just stay sober. In the process I just drove myself crazy. It's very hard to live wondering if and when the shoe will drop. When it does, it hurts like hell.
There is always hope. There are people who stay sober for life. But you just don't know and it is totally out of your hands. I just know that the hell I am going through now, as a result of my hoping and hanging on to his sobriety by a thread, is not one I ever want to go through again.
There is always hope. There are people who stay sober for life. But you just don't know and it is totally out of your hands. I just know that the hell I am going through now, as a result of my hoping and hanging on to his sobriety by a thread, is not one I ever want to go through again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
No Kaya, I don't think you should wait for this guy
He has issues way beyond drinking and one week is absolutely nothing
in terms of recovery.
He needs at least a year of working on a program and working on himself
and not having the distraction of trying to keep a relationship with you going.
You are a way to distract him from the hard and difficult work he has to face.
That's the real truth--hard to deal with, and I don't want to be unkind,
but you are setting yourself up for bigger hurts down the road.
Don't you think you deserve better treatment?
Let him go his own way, you go yours and if you must, tell
him he can check with you after a year of real sobriety and recovery and not before.
He has issues way beyond drinking and one week is absolutely nothing
in terms of recovery.
He needs at least a year of working on a program and working on himself
and not having the distraction of trying to keep a relationship with you going.
You are a way to distract him from the hard and difficult work he has to face.
That's the real truth--hard to deal with, and I don't want to be unkind,
but you are setting yourself up for bigger hurts down the road.
Don't you think you deserve better treatment?
Let him go his own way, you go yours and if you must, tell
him he can check with you after a year of real sobriety and recovery and not before.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
In my experience with loved ones achieving sobriety, a week isn't enough time to come to terms with anything other than they are no longer going to be able to use their crutch.
If I were in this situation, I'd work on myself and get back to becoming a healthy me that can pursue a healthy relationship. The only way you can answer any of these questions you have with this relationship is when you are in that frame of mind.
I actually ended a relationship with an ABF who kept promising sobriety but never even put in an ounce of effort. I've worked back to the person I was, and back to viewing relationships in a healthy way. I am completely confident in saying that, no matter how much I did love that man (whom I thought would be my partner for life), that bridge was burned. I hope the best for him, but I am better off with him not being a part of my world.
It took me getting to the place I am now to realize that. Along the way, there were several times I thought of what could bring us back together. What were the circumstances to where I'd give it another chance? Sobriety? For how long? Following a program? Taking additional steps to get additional help and support he might need?
The further along and further away I moved from the relationship and toward my own healing, the longer that list got until I realized there is no healthy relationship that requires that many conditions, and there was nothing I would do to intentionally get back into an unhealthy relationship.
That's my own experience, though. I can't speak for yours. However, the further removed you get from the acute emotional pain, and the more you heal, the better your mindset will be to answer these questions.
If I were in this situation, I'd work on myself and get back to becoming a healthy me that can pursue a healthy relationship. The only way you can answer any of these questions you have with this relationship is when you are in that frame of mind.
I actually ended a relationship with an ABF who kept promising sobriety but never even put in an ounce of effort. I've worked back to the person I was, and back to viewing relationships in a healthy way. I am completely confident in saying that, no matter how much I did love that man (whom I thought would be my partner for life), that bridge was burned. I hope the best for him, but I am better off with him not being a part of my world.
It took me getting to the place I am now to realize that. Along the way, there were several times I thought of what could bring us back together. What were the circumstances to where I'd give it another chance? Sobriety? For how long? Following a program? Taking additional steps to get additional help and support he might need?
The further along and further away I moved from the relationship and toward my own healing, the longer that list got until I realized there is no healthy relationship that requires that many conditions, and there was nothing I would do to intentionally get back into an unhealthy relationship.
That's my own experience, though. I can't speak for yours. However, the further removed you get from the acute emotional pain, and the more you heal, the better your mindset will be to answer these questions.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
this post reminds a bit of the frequent posts up in the Newcomers about Abstinence vs Moderation. the mental gymnastics the alcoholic will go thru that MAYBE they can handle drinking, just a little bit, and surely that will be ok???
you are unable or unwilling to "not pick up". even tho you KNOW It is BAD for you, and you know how bad it will HURT. surely just a little bit, a phone call, a lunch, a movie won't be THAT bad THIS time. i mean he does after all have a week sober.......
funny thing about addicts and timeframes....a week could be seven days, or it could be a work week of 5 days, or maybe it was sometime THIS week, so let's round up. that's like hitting the gym for a week after 10 years as a couch potato and then signing up for the traithalon which takes place next month. while of course every long term recovery starts with that first week, it is ONLY a week....
is he still living with his WIFE?
how are YOU doing with your 30 in 30 commitment?? how long had YOU managed to NOT contact him? because dear it doesn't matter what HE does.............it matters what YOU do.
you are unable or unwilling to "not pick up". even tho you KNOW It is BAD for you, and you know how bad it will HURT. surely just a little bit, a phone call, a lunch, a movie won't be THAT bad THIS time. i mean he does after all have a week sober.......
funny thing about addicts and timeframes....a week could be seven days, or it could be a work week of 5 days, or maybe it was sometime THIS week, so let's round up. that's like hitting the gym for a week after 10 years as a couch potato and then signing up for the traithalon which takes place next month. while of course every long term recovery starts with that first week, it is ONLY a week....
is he still living with his WIFE?
how are YOU doing with your 30 in 30 commitment?? how long had YOU managed to NOT contact him? because dear it doesn't matter what HE does.............it matters what YOU do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
this post reminds a bit of the frequent posts up in the Newcomers about Abstinence vs Moderation. the mental gymnastics the alcoholic will go thru that MAYBE they can handle drinking, just a little bit, and surely that will be ok???
you are unable or unwilling to "not pick up". even tho you KNOW It is BAD for you, and you know how bad it will HURT. surely just a little bit, a phone call, a lunch, a movie won't be THAT bad THIS time. i mean he does after all have a week sober.......
funny thing about addicts and timeframes....a week could be seven days, or it could be a work week of 5 days, or maybe it was sometime THIS week, so let's round up. that's like hitting the gym for a week after 10 years as a couch potato and then signing up for the traithalon which takes place next month. while of course every long term recovery starts with that first week, it is ONLY a week....
is he still living with his WIFE?
how are YOU doing with your 30 in 30 commitment?? how long had YOU managed to NOT contact him? because dear it doesn't matter what HE does.............it matters what YOU do.
you are unable or unwilling to "not pick up". even tho you KNOW It is BAD for you, and you know how bad it will HURT. surely just a little bit, a phone call, a lunch, a movie won't be THAT bad THIS time. i mean he does after all have a week sober.......
funny thing about addicts and timeframes....a week could be seven days, or it could be a work week of 5 days, or maybe it was sometime THIS week, so let's round up. that's like hitting the gym for a week after 10 years as a couch potato and then signing up for the traithalon which takes place next month. while of course every long term recovery starts with that first week, it is ONLY a week....
is he still living with his WIFE?
how are YOU doing with your 30 in 30 commitment?? how long had YOU managed to NOT contact him? because dear it doesn't matter what HE does.............it matters what YOU do.
He isn't living with his ex wife anymore... and yes I am doing good with alanon... I have done 4 meetings in a week. I am going tomorrow to my favorite/home meeting. I understand what you mean though. I am believing an addict who at best only has a week of sobriety. I need to stop and remember my program
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 99
You need to stop talking to him, or you're never going to get over him. I realize you don't want to get over him, but you're getting sucked into typical alcoholic behavior. I did too.
A week is nothing. My ex did 3 weeks after my January ultimatum. Then started sneaking drinks again. I bailed, went to no contact for a bit, re engaged trying to take care of financial matters and got sucked back in. She went 30 days that time... If you read my thread you know the destruction that came next.
This guy needs a year sober without you, that he's done for himself, not for you, before you can even think about a future.
And even then it's a crap shoot...
A week is nothing. My ex did 3 weeks after my January ultimatum. Then started sneaking drinks again. I bailed, went to no contact for a bit, re engaged trying to take care of financial matters and got sucked back in. She went 30 days that time... If you read my thread you know the destruction that came next.
This guy needs a year sober without you, that he's done for himself, not for you, before you can even think about a future.
And even then it's a crap shoot...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya....do you actually know what genuine recovery LOOKS like? do you know what it entails....exactly.
Have you known, up close, anyone who has had 10yrs. or more of u nbroken sobriety..... How much have you been around these people?
I think it would benefit you to attend some speakers meetings of AA ...and some conferences or gatherings where there are those who live their lives by the 12 Steps.....
I'll bet that your boyfriend doesn't have a clue....
You say that you "know" that you are "fragile".
I think that, for you to be talking to him right now and listening to silver-tongued promises is about like a newly sober alcoholic going into a bar and holding a double scotch in their hand......that is about as close as you are to a head-over heels relapse of your own......
at a gut level, I think he knows all that he needs to know---that to just keep leaning hard and consistently on your hot buttons...and, in time you will cave....
After what he did...he doesn't have the right to ask you for a "reservation" in your life.....
I hope that you will give yourself a couple of years of intensive work. After a slobberknocker from a sociopath (your word) and, then an alcoholic, after that, I think you deserve to give yourself that......
dandylion
Have you known, up close, anyone who has had 10yrs. or more of u nbroken sobriety..... How much have you been around these people?
I think it would benefit you to attend some speakers meetings of AA ...and some conferences or gatherings where there are those who live their lives by the 12 Steps.....
I'll bet that your boyfriend doesn't have a clue....
You say that you "know" that you are "fragile".
I think that, for you to be talking to him right now and listening to silver-tongued promises is about like a newly sober alcoholic going into a bar and holding a double scotch in their hand......that is about as close as you are to a head-over heels relapse of your own......
at a gut level, I think he knows all that he needs to know---that to just keep leaning hard and consistently on your hot buttons...and, in time you will cave....
After what he did...he doesn't have the right to ask you for a "reservation" in your life.....
I hope that you will give yourself a couple of years of intensive work. After a slobberknocker from a sociopath (your word) and, then an alcoholic, after that, I think you deserve to give yourself that......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
not to be a pretentious nag here.....but she is still his WIFE....you said the divorce is not yet final.
so you move out - he moves the wife back in - now wife moves out - and he's all sorrys and baby could we try with you again???
you enthusiastically pledged to do 30 in 30 on July 9th.
you got in 4 in a week.
and plan to go.....tomorrow.
which will be TEN days into your 30.....
it's harder than it sounds isn't it? to seize recovery and stick to it with the passion of that first couple of days?
we often say here - our best approach is to the work the recovery we wish THEY would.
so you move out - he moves the wife back in - now wife moves out - and he's all sorrys and baby could we try with you again???
you enthusiastically pledged to do 30 in 30 on July 9th.
you got in 4 in a week.
and plan to go.....tomorrow.
which will be TEN days into your 30.....
it's harder than it sounds isn't it? to seize recovery and stick to it with the passion of that first couple of days?
we often say here - our best approach is to the work the recovery we wish THEY would.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
Has anyone had a situation where you and your Alcoholic Boyfriend/Husband/Girlfriend/Wife Split up for a time and both people get the help they need AA and Alanon and they rekindle when the dust has settled and both people have worked on themselves?
I guess what I am asking is there a way to have this actually work in the end with the right amount of work on both ends and sobriety on his?
I guess what I am asking is there a way to have this actually work in the end with the right amount of work on both ends and sobriety on his?
But I've gone through the exact same thinking you're going through right now. You are in the bargaining stage of your grief, where you're trying to come up with some way of salvaging the situation to return to the status quo. You can't base your happiness on the potential of a healthy future together. The more time you spend apart, the more you will realize what it means to be whole and happy.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
So his supposedly about to be ex wife (in married man world, the divorce is always about to be final, but then I'm a cynic) moved in with him...and moved out two weeks later? You know this to be a fact because? He told you?
Let's say it's true. Ever wonder what he might have told her to get her to move in...and why she might have turned around and moved out?
You might get some interesting information if you and the kinda/sorta/almost ex compared notes some time.
It's becoming pretty clear that you're relapsing with him. I'm really amazed at how similar being a codependent is to being an addict...oh just one text won't hurt...maybe it will be different this time...it's been a week, so it can't be a real problem. All lies I told myself a thousand times.
Honey, you're a grownup and you're going to do what you're going to do. Take it from a veteran, though...at least protect yourself and don't move in with him, let him move in with you, give him keys to your apartment or your car, lend him money, or do anything that involves a joint financial obligation or a marriage license. Please.
Let's say it's true. Ever wonder what he might have told her to get her to move in...and why she might have turned around and moved out?
You might get some interesting information if you and the kinda/sorta/almost ex compared notes some time.
It's becoming pretty clear that you're relapsing with him. I'm really amazed at how similar being a codependent is to being an addict...oh just one text won't hurt...maybe it will be different this time...it's been a week, so it can't be a real problem. All lies I told myself a thousand times.
Honey, you're a grownup and you're going to do what you're going to do. Take it from a veteran, though...at least protect yourself and don't move in with him, let him move in with you, give him keys to your apartment or your car, lend him money, or do anything that involves a joint financial obligation or a marriage license. Please.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
you may want to ask yourself what you love about this man.
make a list of why you love him and another ofg why you wouldn't want him in your life.
i have a feeling, though, that as you work on yourself and learn how to show self love you, like ,many of us, will eventually say to yourself
wtf was i thinking wanting him/her back in my life!?!?!?!
make a list of why you love him and another ofg why you wouldn't want him in your life.
i have a feeling, though, that as you work on yourself and learn how to show self love you, like ,many of us, will eventually say to yourself
wtf was i thinking wanting him/her back in my life!?!?!?!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
My husband and I did make it after a relapse, and our marriage is very good and really strong. We both worked recovery programs.
HOWEVER,
- He did not have another wife
- He did not have financial problems or other drama associated with divorce.
- I never read texts nor did he ever refer to me as someone who "was just helping pay the rent" in reference to my value
- I never helped him take care of his children and help him get custody of those kids, only to have him tell me he was moving back in with his wife after the fact
- I never had to move out of the apartment I had found after he told me he was going back to his wife because he ALSO told me he intended to keep said apartment for THEM to live in, effectively putting ME out on my a$$.
Do you think that all alcoholics do the above ^^^, they aren't all mean. Do you think he only said and did those things because he is an alcoholic? No MA'AM. He did and said those things because he is a horrible person, and a free loader.
btw, less than a month ago he and his wife were "back together", now just a few short weeks later, he is barking up your tree looking for a landing place. Hmmm.
Sometimes we have to look in the mirror and ask "can I really be that foolish"? I have been, I hope you won't be. RUN.
HOWEVER,
- He did not have another wife
- He did not have financial problems or other drama associated with divorce.
- I never read texts nor did he ever refer to me as someone who "was just helping pay the rent" in reference to my value
- I never helped him take care of his children and help him get custody of those kids, only to have him tell me he was moving back in with his wife after the fact
- I never had to move out of the apartment I had found after he told me he was going back to his wife because he ALSO told me he intended to keep said apartment for THEM to live in, effectively putting ME out on my a$$.
Do you think that all alcoholics do the above ^^^, they aren't all mean. Do you think he only said and did those things because he is an alcoholic? No MA'AM. He did and said those things because he is a horrible person, and a free loader.
btw, less than a month ago he and his wife were "back together", now just a few short weeks later, he is barking up your tree looking for a landing place. Hmmm.
Sometimes we have to look in the mirror and ask "can I really be that foolish"? I have been, I hope you won't be. RUN.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
LK, check this thread out: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-already.html
as well as this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
I think you know you're grasping at straws, hoping for some kind of reassurance that you won't really have to change your life, won't really have to look at those parts of yourself that need work, that he'll do all the work and changing and everything will be just fine. What would make me say a thing like that? The fact that I thought, hoped, did the exact same things.
I've read here that usually when we think we have a problem that has no answer, it's not true--there IS an answer, but we just don't like it and so are looking for a different one. In the AA Big Book, I think they call it "looking for an easier, softer way." Not that we need to beat ourselves up, but sometimes the the only way thru the fire is thru the fire.
as well as this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
I think you know you're grasping at straws, hoping for some kind of reassurance that you won't really have to change your life, won't really have to look at those parts of yourself that need work, that he'll do all the work and changing and everything will be just fine. What would make me say a thing like that? The fact that I thought, hoped, did the exact same things.
I've read here that usually when we think we have a problem that has no answer, it's not true--there IS an answer, but we just don't like it and so are looking for a different one. In the AA Big Book, I think they call it "looking for an easier, softer way." Not that we need to beat ourselves up, but sometimes the the only way thru the fire is thru the fire.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
" To me it seems that when alcoholics are active they tend to exhibit similar characteristics of sociopaths... ( the push and pull... the I love you..now go away... the cold and callus energy when the break up happens... the being so checked out you can't get to them or feel heard )....
On one hand I know to my core that I love this man..."
When you have reached the point in your own recovery and can see
how unhealthy the above statement is, you will know what is right
and healthy for your life.
I have read many times now about how as
codependents we are "addicted" to the alcoholic. Along this same
analogy, to believe anything they say until they have lived sobriety
and recovery for at least a year or two, to believe their "talk"--
that's us picking up our "drink". Don't pick up that drink!
On one hand I know to my core that I love this man..."
When you have reached the point in your own recovery and can see
how unhealthy the above statement is, you will know what is right
and healthy for your life.
I have read many times now about how as
codependents we are "addicted" to the alcoholic. Along this same
analogy, to believe anything they say until they have lived sobriety
and recovery for at least a year or two, to believe their "talk"--
that's us picking up our "drink". Don't pick up that drink!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
No Kaya, I don't think you should wait for this guy
He has issues way beyond drinking and one week is absolutely nothing
in terms of recovery.
He needs at least a year of working on a program and working on himself
and not having the distraction of trying to keep a relationship with you going.
You are a way to distract him from the hard and difficult work he has to face.
That's the real truth--hard to deal with, and I don't want to be unkind,
but you are setting yourself up for bigger hurts down the road.
Don't you think you deserve better treatment?
Let him go his own way, you go yours and if you must, tell
him he can check with you after a year of real sobriety and recovery and not before.
He has issues way beyond drinking and one week is absolutely nothing
in terms of recovery.
He needs at least a year of working on a program and working on himself
and not having the distraction of trying to keep a relationship with you going.
You are a way to distract him from the hard and difficult work he has to face.
That's the real truth--hard to deal with, and I don't want to be unkind,
but you are setting yourself up for bigger hurts down the road.
Don't you think you deserve better treatment?
Let him go his own way, you go yours and if you must, tell
him he can check with you after a year of real sobriety and recovery and not before.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Codependency vs. Alcoholism is pretty much both negative processes of the mind converted into different conscious experiences and perspectives. I think both codependents and alcoholics' fallacies are the tendency to think their individual views are justified in some form. Mind you, this is how wars start too. It's rational at the time but in hindsight is irrational.
People have the freedom to choose their own destiny, to follow their subjective experiences even if they are irrational because you are acting upon your passions and natural impulses. Due to personal individual differences the alcoholic has an opposing viewpoint than the codependent. Any discrepancy between a physical event and a person's perception of that event is subjective.
In life there are an array of opposing viewpoints apart from the addict and Codie. Here are a few examples: Christians and Jews, American government vs Iraqi government, pro-life vs. Pro-choice. We all have our own personal opinions but it becomes a major conflict when we passionately impose our personal views on another and not respecting that they have a personal freedom to choose how they want to live it. None of us are superior to another. The thought that we are is not real but only real in our subjective minds.
People have the freedom to choose their own destiny, to follow their subjective experiences even if they are irrational because you are acting upon your passions and natural impulses. Due to personal individual differences the alcoholic has an opposing viewpoint than the codependent. Any discrepancy between a physical event and a person's perception of that event is subjective.
In life there are an array of opposing viewpoints apart from the addict and Codie. Here are a few examples: Christians and Jews, American government vs Iraqi government, pro-life vs. Pro-choice. We all have our own personal opinions but it becomes a major conflict when we passionately impose our personal views on another and not respecting that they have a personal freedom to choose how they want to live it. None of us are superior to another. The thought that we are is not real but only real in our subjective minds.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
This is your decision, but I think the fact that you are seeking external validation and are feeling confused is an indicator that you're not ready to make a decision.
I'm concerned about the passive tone of your post. You "ended up" talking to him. No, you chose to resume contact with a man who has "put you through hell and back."
And now he's laying on the charm. Like he did to reel you into the relationship in the first place. Remember that? The lovebombing, all the hopes and dreams. There are no guarantees in relationships, but this man has repeatedly shown you who he is. I guarantee you that after a week of sobriety he is still that same person. He has this act down pat.
Have you ever actually spoken to his soon-to-be-ex wife? I bet she's seen the Mr. Wonderful routine before, I bet she saw it a few weeks ago when he moved her into the apartment that you and he were supposed to share. But now she's suddenly out of the picture...maybe.
I had the same illusions about my ex. That it was the alcohol "making" him do all those terrible things and if he'd get sober he'd be that great guy I knew he could be. He finished treatment in February and as far as I know has been sober since. This summer he was having his first visit with our son in three years. I was thrilled. This morning at 7 I got a call from his wife. She told me that they had dropped our son off with his grandparents and wanted nothing more to do with "that child" (our son) and that my ex was going to their lawyer to sign away his parental rights. She said my ex was listening on speakerphone and was totally on board with everything. This is after they spent the better part of two years fighting me for custody and visitation. Sobriety is not a magic cure-all.
Don't do this to yourself. Please. Keep going to those meetings. I've got one tonight, thank goodness. Take care.
I'm concerned about the passive tone of your post. You "ended up" talking to him. No, you chose to resume contact with a man who has "put you through hell and back."
And now he's laying on the charm. Like he did to reel you into the relationship in the first place. Remember that? The lovebombing, all the hopes and dreams. There are no guarantees in relationships, but this man has repeatedly shown you who he is. I guarantee you that after a week of sobriety he is still that same person. He has this act down pat.
Have you ever actually spoken to his soon-to-be-ex wife? I bet she's seen the Mr. Wonderful routine before, I bet she saw it a few weeks ago when he moved her into the apartment that you and he were supposed to share. But now she's suddenly out of the picture...maybe.
I had the same illusions about my ex. That it was the alcohol "making" him do all those terrible things and if he'd get sober he'd be that great guy I knew he could be. He finished treatment in February and as far as I know has been sober since. This summer he was having his first visit with our son in three years. I was thrilled. This morning at 7 I got a call from his wife. She told me that they had dropped our son off with his grandparents and wanted nothing more to do with "that child" (our son) and that my ex was going to their lawyer to sign away his parental rights. She said my ex was listening on speakerphone and was totally on board with everything. This is after they spent the better part of two years fighting me for custody and visitation. Sobriety is not a magic cure-all.
Don't do this to yourself. Please. Keep going to those meetings. I've got one tonight, thank goodness. Take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Thank you to everyone however
Thank you to everyone who has written. I am a little shocked by the harshness of a few of your replies. I talked to my sponsor this morning and I think this may not be the right forum for me ... this is obviously a process for me too. He has been separated for over a year. I talked to his ex wife who actually said my exAB told her he was in love with me. She moved back for 2 weeks to be with the kids and has been with her boyfriend of 2 years the whole time. She is moving back because he realized he can't raise kids while he is an active alcoholic and its best for his kids if his ex wife and the kids move back to a different state with his ex wife's boyfriend and his ex wife until he has sobriety under his belt. Best decision I've seen him make actually as far as seeing he isn't fit to be. Full time parent right now. Anyway I'm not living with him. Nor do I plan to. I'm not sleeping with him nor do I plan to. I have my own apartment that has become my sanctuary. I am still working a program. Maybe yes I haven't gone to the 30 meetings in 30 days. Im still going frequently. I talk to my sponsor everyday. I'm reading co dependent no more and I haven't missed a ******* day of work. So am I making a mistake by talking to him and hearing him out... Probably. But to feel shamed for it all... Not what I'm into. Anyway thanks everyone that has been supportive.
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