ZenLifter

Last thing I really feel like doing is sharing this, but....well I am on the eve of 5 months of sobriety and the last few days have been just terrible. Depression, sadness, even crying, which I never do...and all seemingly without any specific reason. Maybe this is what I was covering up by drinking all these years? Anyway I don't even feel like drinking now, but the way I'm feeling is just making everything difficult to deal with. Don't want to be in my own skin, just want to sleep and not think about anything anymore. So good night :/

Pixus

Huge hugs ZL. Look after yourself like you would for a small, sad child. <3

fripfrop

Hi Zen

Emotions that have been repressed over the years go nowhere. Emotion is an energy. You can't destroy it.
So whether it's repressed by trauma or by drink, it just gets pushed down into the subconcious mind, and sits there, usually causing trouble in other ways.
The fact that it has shifted now and being released, is a good sign.
Like a popped boil letting all the puss out (charming alnaolgy I know!)
I hope you'll feel better after it's all been released

MythOfSisyphus

Hang in there, Zen. I can't speak for everyone but I found myself an emotional wreck for the first six to eight months of sobriety. It seems to take a good while to regain your mental and emotional equilibrium and for brain chemistry to return to normal.

Berrybean

Keep a check on those HALT triggers (Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired). In early sobriety they can lead us to drink. Further in they still affect the quality of our sobriety.

I had a horrendous experience with those feelings kicking in around 6 months. I was already going to AA and I thought ' how can this be happening to me. I'm doing everything I can'. My boss ended up referring me for counselling, where I duly went to tell, her all the more sanitary things that were bothering me, and just didn't mention anything that might make her think badly of me. After a few months of this, and gradually weaving a tighter and tighter Web of deceit for myself with the counsellor with all the half truths and and lies through omission, I realised that I realky wasn't doing everything. And worse still. I knew what I needed to do. I needed to actually work the program of AA instead of just sitting in meetings waiting for the sober fairy to sprinkle me with her recovery dust. I needed a sponsor. I needed the steps. (Both things I'd thought I wasn't really 'alcoholic enough' for before. ) And when I did those things it did lift. I found relief. And while I keep doing the work, and living the principles of the program in all areas of my life to the best of my ability, then I keep some peace. Even in the really tough patches, I'm less affected than I would have been ever before , if that makes sense.

There is a lot written about PAWS, and this might be worth a read...

https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/

I hope you find some relief, comfort and serenity soon.

teatreeoil007

Hang tight zen... You are a big help... Past 3 days have been kinda blah ... Oh no.. Am I having empathy pain again?

Soberwolf

Hope you feel a bit better Zen

D122y

Zen,

I cried a few times during these last 14 months. In private and while watching something on tv. Just let it fly.

The anxiety is maddening. It makes me crazy sometimes still.

It is hard to talk about this w anyone.

Especially at AA meetings.

Been there and it gets weird when folks break down.

Then we all leave to live our private life.

A few tears are so worth being as healthy as we can by not boozing.

I craved last night around 6 pm. My old Friday night drunkfest.

Powered through that, then went to my gym and killed it.

Stay clean sir.

thomas11

Thinking of you ZL, hang in there. Glad your not going to drink over it.

LadyBlue0527

Zen, hang in there. This will pass.

I think MOS put it best as far as what I equate it to.

I have days where I'm feeling great then, for no apparent reason, days where I feel exactly as you are right now. It's unsettling. You said it best when you said "don't want to be in my own skin" because I couldn't describe it any better. You just want to run and hide and escape the feeling. The problem is, everywhere you go, there you are.

I really believe it's the brain chemistry thing. That, and being realistic, everyone goes through this regardless of whether they have or don't have problems with alcohol. It just doesn't help when you're in recovery and it happens.

You're also hitting milestones and it's been discussed on this board many times that those can be harder.

It's all hard to deal with but know that it will pass. What's the last nice thing you've done for yourself? To take care of you?

madgirl

Do you mind if I ask about your diet?

I keep reading about hypoglycemia and how prevalent it is with alcoholics - one of the symptoms is depression.

LadyBlue0527

Wow, I didn't even think of that madgirl! Thanks for bringing that up. I don't know about Zen but I know that I eat horribly these days. This depressed feeling hits for no apparent reason. Interested in what Zen has to say.

Hawkeye13

I just had / have a lot of sadness, hurt, and anger I was pushing down with booze.

I think it comes out when we get sober, as it must, so we can release it and finally find some peace.

A short round of therapy might be helpful if it persists.
Also I did some journaling and wrote out feelings as they came up.

Anna

Zen, it will pass, hopefully soon, and be proud of how well you're doing with your recovery.

graciepearl

I just read a post this week here about the timing of depression and anxiety cycles it was fascinating maybe someone remembers what it is and can share with you. It was great to be forewarned that even years into recovery we can have these cycles but they are just that, cycles, and if we hold on we will cycle right through them. Keep up the good work

zerothehero

I think my fourth and fifth months were the most difficult. I was a mess.

http://shambhala-europe.org/images/F...20Rinpoche.pdf

kittycat3

Thank you for sharing. You are not alone.

madgirl

I know there are typically underlying issues of a spiritual or psychological nature, but it also seems like many of us have physiological responses because our sugar is totally out of whack

madgirl

I truly dont mean to beat a dead horse on this topic, but so many of us have these bouts of intense depression, which feeds into "man I must be a really messed up person" feeling, which makes us feel even worse - but if much of it were due to a physical issue (sugar) then it is something you can heal, right?

SoberLeigh

(((ZenLifter)))).

My emotions were all over the place in early sobriety - to some extent, for the first year. They eventually stabilized and normalized; in all likelihood, yours will too.

Be sure to see a doctor, though, if things become too difficult to handle.

We are here for you.