I'm new - not sure what to do...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 4
I'm new - not sure what to do...
Hi
I came here from a google search after finding two hidden empty bottles of red wine. I've known for a while my wife will hide her drinking, and though it has bothered me quite a bit, I've backed off because she has been stressed a lot lately and I don't want to fight.
If that sounds cowardly, it's because it is. But I can't make things better when angry.
Since reading a post, I decided to check more thoroughly and found three more empty bottles! Along with a half empty.
Some background on us:
My wife's parents are both alcoholics. Have been forever. My wife has struggled with the effects of a difficult childhood, and recently she's been through two jobs changes. She was made redundant from her position (company restructure - voluntary) about 15 months ago and had planned on getting another job quickly so we could save the payout. Unfortunately she was unable to find a suitable job until about 8 months later, and she didn't enjoy it very much. Currently she has been in training for a position she is enjoying (training goes for 10 weeks). Overall, the past year has been very stressful.
Prior to that, we have our first child, bought a house and got married. All within a 2 year period. She struggled with being home alone during the day with the baby, and things got a bit better when she returned to work.
We've been together for over 17 years, since we were 18. She has always drank more than me. I personally don't understand the appeal, and only drink when being social.
After some difficulties with being intimate after becoming parents, we starting having 'date night' once a week. This was to lessen the stress and kind of make an agreement to be with each other and leave the stress of life behind for the night. On 'date night', and the night before (Friday) we share a case of beer (so a 6 pack each, each night). This is over a few hours and most of the time we only drink 4 or 5 a night, so there is some left over for the next week. This is a little alarming perhaps, but it's help us destress, and I think it's reasonable, otherwise...
Now, the wine drinking became a concern when she was looking for a job. She's almost always be asleep when I brought my daughter home in the afternoon (from care). And I found the odd bottle around which I think she forgot to dispose of. When she got the first job after the redundancy, she was still working through some stress and took about 1 day off sick each week. This was a particularly dark time..
Eventually it became too much and I demanded she see a psychologist or we would divorce. I meant it. And she did - once a week for about 4 months. Her moods improved, but she still took about 1 day off a week.
When she found her (newly) current job, she hasn't missed one day. She has been happier and our relationship has improved. However, on her first day, she was home already when I got home. She was talking to her mother on the phone, and her lips were red. And I could smell it. I was crushed, but didn't say anything.
Since then, there has been one (or maybe two) times where I'm pretty sure she's drank wine by herself. Not long after her first day I searched her drawers and found a half empty bottle. About a week after it was gone, and I found it empty under one of the drawers. Since a little after then, a half empty bottle has sat in her drawer, and the empty under. I keep checking. It's becoming compulsive.
Tonight, her group is working late. She was alone this morning. The half empty is still there. Thank god.
I checked under the drawers. A second empty. WTF? She drank a whole bottle in the morning?
Paranoid, I check the other drawer. 3 empties. I've missed some cues.
Now, she is doing way better emotionally. We're getting on better now than in probably 2 years. But I'm really worried about this..
We're planning on having another kid in the next year. We, and our daughter, are getting older and don't want to wait too long.
I don't want to live with an alcoholic. I don't want to spend the next 40 or 50 years feeling paranoid and anxious. But I love her very much. And I love my daughter. I don't want to hurt them.
My wife hasn't been back to the psychologist in two months. The psychologist has moved away, and my wife thinks talking about past traumas hurts more now than helps.
So I'm stuck. My wife is stubborn. I can't watch her or be with her all the time to make sure she isn't drinking. It's absurd I've been doing it so far. I'm thinking about speaking to a psychologist myself, because I feel like I'm going crazy. I thought I'd been overreacting this whole time. Perhaps I am.
I can't live like this. But I'm trapped. I don't know how to fix this.
Sorry for the huge wall. I haven't spoken to anyone about this - it's too embarrassing. Feels good to think it through.
Thank you for reading if you got this far.
I came here from a google search after finding two hidden empty bottles of red wine. I've known for a while my wife will hide her drinking, and though it has bothered me quite a bit, I've backed off because she has been stressed a lot lately and I don't want to fight.
If that sounds cowardly, it's because it is. But I can't make things better when angry.
Since reading a post, I decided to check more thoroughly and found three more empty bottles! Along with a half empty.
Some background on us:
My wife's parents are both alcoholics. Have been forever. My wife has struggled with the effects of a difficult childhood, and recently she's been through two jobs changes. She was made redundant from her position (company restructure - voluntary) about 15 months ago and had planned on getting another job quickly so we could save the payout. Unfortunately she was unable to find a suitable job until about 8 months later, and she didn't enjoy it very much. Currently she has been in training for a position she is enjoying (training goes for 10 weeks). Overall, the past year has been very stressful.
Prior to that, we have our first child, bought a house and got married. All within a 2 year period. She struggled with being home alone during the day with the baby, and things got a bit better when she returned to work.
We've been together for over 17 years, since we were 18. She has always drank more than me. I personally don't understand the appeal, and only drink when being social.
After some difficulties with being intimate after becoming parents, we starting having 'date night' once a week. This was to lessen the stress and kind of make an agreement to be with each other and leave the stress of life behind for the night. On 'date night', and the night before (Friday) we share a case of beer (so a 6 pack each, each night). This is over a few hours and most of the time we only drink 4 or 5 a night, so there is some left over for the next week. This is a little alarming perhaps, but it's help us destress, and I think it's reasonable, otherwise...
Now, the wine drinking became a concern when she was looking for a job. She's almost always be asleep when I brought my daughter home in the afternoon (from care). And I found the odd bottle around which I think she forgot to dispose of. When she got the first job after the redundancy, she was still working through some stress and took about 1 day off sick each week. This was a particularly dark time..
Eventually it became too much and I demanded she see a psychologist or we would divorce. I meant it. And she did - once a week for about 4 months. Her moods improved, but she still took about 1 day off a week.
When she found her (newly) current job, she hasn't missed one day. She has been happier and our relationship has improved. However, on her first day, she was home already when I got home. She was talking to her mother on the phone, and her lips were red. And I could smell it. I was crushed, but didn't say anything.
Since then, there has been one (or maybe two) times where I'm pretty sure she's drank wine by herself. Not long after her first day I searched her drawers and found a half empty bottle. About a week after it was gone, and I found it empty under one of the drawers. Since a little after then, a half empty bottle has sat in her drawer, and the empty under. I keep checking. It's becoming compulsive.
Tonight, her group is working late. She was alone this morning. The half empty is still there. Thank god.
I checked under the drawers. A second empty. WTF? She drank a whole bottle in the morning?
Paranoid, I check the other drawer. 3 empties. I've missed some cues.
Now, she is doing way better emotionally. We're getting on better now than in probably 2 years. But I'm really worried about this..
We're planning on having another kid in the next year. We, and our daughter, are getting older and don't want to wait too long.
I don't want to live with an alcoholic. I don't want to spend the next 40 or 50 years feeling paranoid and anxious. But I love her very much. And I love my daughter. I don't want to hurt them.
My wife hasn't been back to the psychologist in two months. The psychologist has moved away, and my wife thinks talking about past traumas hurts more now than helps.
So I'm stuck. My wife is stubborn. I can't watch her or be with her all the time to make sure she isn't drinking. It's absurd I've been doing it so far. I'm thinking about speaking to a psychologist myself, because I feel like I'm going crazy. I thought I'd been overreacting this whole time. Perhaps I am.
I can't live like this. But I'm trapped. I don't know how to fix this.
Sorry for the huge wall. I haven't spoken to anyone about this - it's too embarrassing. Feels good to think it through.
Thank you for reading if you got this far.
Last edited by ScaredAlone; 07-15-2016 at 02:01 AM. Reason: spelling
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello ScaredAlone, and Welcome to SR!
No, you are not overreacting, I'm sorry to say. I am also sorry to say that there is nothing YOU can do to fix this. You can encourage her to seek help, but it is up to her to change her behavior.
I am not an alcoholic or addict, but addiction runs in my family like a thread through the generations. No amount of my begging or pleading, threats or logical arguments ever made one whit of difference in the behavior of my addicted loved ones. In my experience, they have to come to that decision themselves--to want recovery for themselves more than they want anything else in order for a real 'sea change' to occur.
Please do seek help and support for yourself! You deserve that!!
No, you are not overreacting, I'm sorry to say. I am also sorry to say that there is nothing YOU can do to fix this. You can encourage her to seek help, but it is up to her to change her behavior.
I am not an alcoholic or addict, but addiction runs in my family like a thread through the generations. No amount of my begging or pleading, threats or logical arguments ever made one whit of difference in the behavior of my addicted loved ones. In my experience, they have to come to that decision themselves--to want recovery for themselves more than they want anything else in order for a real 'sea change' to occur.
Please do seek help and support for yourself! You deserve that!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by ScaredAlone 
I'm sorry, I think I have posted this in the wrong forums. If so, could a mod move it please?
You will want to check out the Friends and Family section. Read all the stories there, especially the "Stickies" at the stop of each of those sections. They contain a lot of valuable, basic information!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Seren
Hello ScaredAlone, and Welcome to SR!
No, you are not overreacting, I'm sorry to say. I am also sorry to say that there is nothing YOU can do to fix this. You can encourage her to seek help, but it is up to her to change her behavior.
I am not an alcoholic or addict, but addiction runs in my family like a thread through the generations. No amount of my begging or pleading, threats or logical arguments ever made one whit of difference in the behavior of my addicted loved ones. In my experience, they have to come to that decision themselves--to want recovery for themselves more than they want anything else in order for a real 'sea change' to occur.
Please do seek help and support for yourself! You deserve that!!
No, you are not overreacting, I'm sorry to say. I am also sorry to say that there is nothing YOU can do to fix this. You can encourage her to seek help, but it is up to her to change her behavior.
I am not an alcoholic or addict, but addiction runs in my family like a thread through the generations. No amount of my begging or pleading, threats or logical arguments ever made one whit of difference in the behavior of my addicted loved ones. In my experience, they have to come to that decision themselves--to want recovery for themselves more than they want anything else in order for a real 'sea change' to occur.
Please do seek help and support for yourself! You deserve that!!
The thing is - unless we can get past this the future is tainted. We've been together for so long. If she puts drinking first I won't be able to just accept it. At least I don't think so. I don't know who to 'make' her get better... I'll speak to someone and see what can be worked through.
I'm not completely innocent either. I don't have a drinking problem. But otherwise she is a great person. Ugh..
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
You are the only person who can make the decision about how much you are willing to accept as far as your relationship is concerned. Believe me, I understand. I thinking seeking support for yourself IRL will help bring you the peace and clarity you need. Wishing the best for you and your children. I hope, for her sake, that your wife will understand that there is a better way.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
The hiding is a bad sign. She knows you'd disapprove of the amount of drinking, but not worried enough to quit. Hence the hiding. I did the same thing. I got married late, I was 54, and had been drinking for over 35 years. My wife knew I drank, but not the amount.
I wanted to cut down. Couldn't. Nor did I want the conversation about how much I was drinking...didn't want to quit, scared to quit, whatever. Hence I hid it.
When I quit it wasn't because my wife found out, or was worried about my drinking. I knew I was drinking too much and I knew where my drinking was headed if I didn't quit. So I did. And while the marriage benefited from my sobriety, I had to want it for me.
You wife needs to come to the same conclusion.
I wanted to cut down. Couldn't. Nor did I want the conversation about how much I was drinking...didn't want to quit, scared to quit, whatever. Hence I hid it.
When I quit it wasn't because my wife found out, or was worried about my drinking. I knew I was drinking too much and I knew where my drinking was headed if I didn't quit. So I did. And while the marriage benefited from my sobriety, I had to want it for me.
You wife needs to come to the same conclusion.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Welcome to SR, and you are in the right place. Sorry to say, but the one who has to want to quit drinking is your wife. Typically that won't happen until she's ready. She may quit temporarily from an outside influence, but ultimately its her demon she has to exorcise.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation. It's good that you are here seeking support for yourself. I do hope your wife makes the decision to stop drinking.
I was concerned that you are thinking of having a second child, and I hope that you will be 100% certain your wife is sober before pregnancy. This is our information on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-syndrome.html
I was concerned that you are thinking of having a second child, and I hope that you will be 100% certain your wife is sober before pregnancy. This is our information on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-syndrome.html
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Albemarle, NC
Posts: 18
Welcome..... I read your story and it sounds like you have every reason to be seriously concerned. The hardest thing for you to understand might be that you can't do anything to make your wife quit drinking. That has to be her decision. Now that you've monitored the situation for awhile it might be time for a very frank conversation about the behaviors that you've seen. Don't be confrontational or judgmental..... express your concern.....mention your daughter and the hope for another child. She has to accept that she has a problem. Good luck!! You might look into Al-Anon whether or not she chooses to get help.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Welcome! You are not overreacting at all. Once the drinker starts hiding it, IMHO, I feel they have gone from a cucumber to a pickle and you can't reverse that. Most likely when you confront her, she will blame the hiding it on you by saying you are way too concerned about her drinking and so she hides it because she hates making you worry. At least that is what I did. My alcoholism didn't kick in until our kids were grown. You unfortunately don't have that luxury and in turn need to make some serious decisions about your future together. There is no way she can get pregnant now if she is hiding alcohol around the house. And these are only the bottles you are finding. There are plenty of others I'm sure that she has already thrown out or has hidden somewhere else. I would definitely see a psychologist if I were you and determine how to go forward at this point.
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