FutureTrip

Kind of stream of thought here...

So we've started the process. I've retained a lawyer, he's been served papers and we are working out interim financial details. Beyond the initial awful conversation about filing and some comments on how he thinks I should just wait and give it time now that he's out of the house, he's being very amicable and level about the whole thing.

I've told him that I just have to move forward with filing, that I have to do this. He seems to accept his responsibility and that this is my final consequence. I don't know if he's just waiting to show me he can be in recovery or of he's just accepted the fact it's happening and given up the fight.

He's renting a room right now, still seeing his therapist and sponsor. He hasn't yet gone to a single AA meeting. He hasn't done anything different in his recovery.

He told me tonight that while he thought about rehab again, he decided that he doesn't want to give up his job or take money from his 401k to pay for it so instead he'll go to a couple meetings a week and call people for support and if that doesn't work, then he'll think about rehab later. He claims he's not drinking but I just don't see how that's possible after his bender the other week, never having actually stopped and not doing anything new for recovery. I don't trust his "I'm not drinking" claims.

He also says he's just trying to be positive, that he has a good life and he understands that if he continues to drink he would "lose everything...my job, my 401k, my daughter, and probably my life."

It's hard to explain it all here, but it just felt like a punch to the gut. I just started crying, grieving. Why wasn't our marriage ever considered important enough to not lose? Why wasn't that enough to take seriously? Why is me crying and hurting not enough to look at what he was doing to me and try harder?

I just feel used. Thirteen years of supporting and caring and providing and taking care of him and it feels like now he has me off his back, he's free to drink or not drink, he's taking a snails pace approach to recovery and that's enough for him. Doesn't want to touch his 401k because "That's my future. I hope to retire at some point" but he felt no guilt spending OUR money, the savings I built, on useless rehab, doctor bills, alcohol, etc...Like now he realizes I've closed the door on his comforts and life I've given him so "Oh well! She must mean it this time. Oops! Well, guess I'll maybe try for my daughter and maybe put in some effort."

Don't get me wrong, if he does manage to do it for her then that's amazing and I'll be overjoyed. But right now it just hurts. I don't know what I want from him right now. Begging and pleading would be awful. Anger and insults would be terrible. But this quiet acceptance without a single change in his recovery is kind of killing me right now. He's being kind and friendly and maybe that's his way of trying to let me go after all the pain, but it still f**king hurts like hell.

And just to note, I realize I have a TON of work to do on my own recovery and codependency issues. Following through on this divorce is my first step.

sauerkraut

You're taking big steps, FT, which is great (and hard). What he does and how he responds is his business. From my experience, I would say you just have to focus on how strong you are and how much you're accomplishing. How he responds, what he does, and why, are really his own journey and his own mess. In fact, speaking of messes, he probably doesn't want to fully acknowledge the harm he's caused because that would require him to quit being in denial, which is probably at least part of what is allowing him to continue in his status quo.

You, on the other hand, have taken stock of the situation and made huge, life-changing and life-improving changes. Good for you.

Seren

Sadly, some people, whether alcoholic or not, will not change until they lose something. By then it is often too little, too late.

It is an interesting thing (well, I suppose interesting is not quite the right word here--more like tragic) to read 'both sides' of this board. To read stories like yours, FutureTrip, and then to read stories in the Newcomers section of a panicking husband or wife who drinks and is now realizing that they are losing their family.

It's just sad all the way around and makes me hate addiction all the more...cunning, powerful, and baffling.

D122y

Ft,

Not sure I read it correctly, it is early....

The problem is he is content w the divorce and you feel used.

Whatever he is doing, which is probably drinking, is his business now. This is sad, but true. You are free of his problems, for now.

(((((Virtual hug)))))

I've never went through divorce, but I can empathize w your feelings. Come here and vent and get opinions. You will feel better and maybe someone, even a lawyer or 2, will offer some great advice for free.

Since you are filing, you should get some of that 401k money, but it sounds like he doesn't have much else.

....13 years is a long time to be w someone, I've been w my wife about 17 year.....married 15....

I think 50/50 is about how it should go.

Hope this helps.

honeypig

I can relate to your feelings. XAH's response, when I told him I wanted to file for divorce, was "well, you gotta do what you gotta do." After over 20 years together and almost 19 married. Luckily for me, he did not fight me over the house (which I brought to the marriage), b/c I do not have the resources for a legal battle (neither did he). I did a pro se divorce since we were agreed about who got what and it went smoothly.

I continued to feel anger, shock, disbelief, betrayal, confusion--how could he just calmly continue w/his life and NOT finally see that I was serious? To me, it was simply inconceivable that he could be faced w/the loss of his wife, his marriage, the place he'd lived longer than he'd ever lived anywhere in his life, our 2 dogs, and not take steps to stop it from happening.

But he didn't. And I think he is actually happier than he's been in a long time. He doesn't have to sneak money out of our savings to fund his drinking, he can just openly spend it now. He is in an apartment, so he doesn't have any home maintenance/lawn/snow responsibilities, much more time to drink. He doesn't have to worry about appearing to be sober at dinner so as to avoid trouble w/me. People told me to be strong and not let him come back--well, what actually hurt worse was that he showed no signs of wanting to come back in the first place...

As time has gone by (divorced just over a year ago and he moved out around Thanksgiving), I've worked w/my own feelings about all this, realized I was still hanging onto a hope that THIS would be the thing that would make him sober up and work to stay together. I had to let that go completely. Most days now, I'm doing pretty well, altho I still crash and burn sometimes, usually when it's late and I'm tired and feeling lonely. Times like those, I just try to take good care of myself (get some rest, read something uplifting, eat well, spend time doing something I really enjoy) and the sadness will lift in a while, leaving me feeling stronger.

I also realized that I really DO want him to be happy, whatever form that takes. While it might soothe my ego to know that he was struggling, it wouldn't really satisfy my soul. And that, for me, was big.

I wish you strength and clarity going forward. It's going to be a rocky road but well worth the traveling. Remember to take care of yourself and to reach out for support when it feels like too much. You're going to be so much happier in the end.

FutureTrip

After I posted this last post I felt strong. I feel like I need my anger sometimes to push me through. And then I got either bad food poisoning or the stomach flu on Saturday. I started throwing up and my toddler was crying and screaming, I'm sure out of fear. I had to ask my AH to come over and help with her because I could not get out of bed. He was sober, at least I think, so that wasn't an issue and he watched her at our house.

Once she was put to bed he was packing up to leave and I just started crying. I'm sick, having terrible stomach pain, what if I kept throwing up and she woke up, I just asked him to please stay. And he very calmly told me no, but to call him if I needed him to come back over. I don't even know how to feel about that. On the one hand, I get it, I'm the one who told him to move out. On the other hand, how many times have I taken care of him when he's been out of commission due to his own choices?? And I don't have anyone else here to help me.

Sunday he came back over and helped with our daughter until bedtime again for which I'm grateful. And of course I started questioning what the hell I'm doing, should I be doing this divorce, etc, etc. He claims to have been sober since the last bender I found out about 2 weeks ago and while that may be true, I can't believe a word he says. He just started to go to a couple meetings in the last few days and I guess calls his parents every night as his nightly support.

I'm on the mend finally after spending today in bed while my daughter was at daycare. And I'm trying to get back to a place of strength, committing to following through on this divorce. But it is so d*mn hard when you still love the person.

Bekindalways

Holy buckets FT. That sounds so darn hard. And the whole thing is so not fair.

Please take care of yourself and only look as far ahead as you can stand.

pndm07

I so, so know how you feel. And being physically sick while dealing with the emotional upheaval adds another whole level of stress (and stomach bugs are so lousy under the best of circumstances!). I hear you, I had surgery on my hip July 1 and am in a lot of pain still - mainly b/c my AH was too drunk to help me out during these critical weeks and I'm afraid my recovery from the surgery is going to be delayed due to that.
I know it is hard b/c we love them. After all, we married them and have plenty of good memories. It would be easy if it were black and white and we could just hate them and be like "good bye and good riddance" but the love is there and it is just so darn maddening that it wasn't enough to keep them on the right track. I guess it just gets to a point where their behaviors and choices become so destructive that it leaves us with no choice but to get out of the way. I think I read somewhere (maybe here) about, if someone throws themselves out a window, the codependent is the bystander on the street. They can either get out of the way, or get crushed ( and in the process, buffering the fall of the A so that they don't feel the full effect of what they did). That analogy is helping me get through this.
I hope you feel better soon - physically and emotionally. You aren't alone in this - there are lots of us going through this in one form or another, and there is comfort in that. Get well!

hopeful4

Their mind just does not work it the same ways as yours.

Tight hugs.

Praying

What helped me early on was forcing myself to find a different "go-to" so I never had to rely on him in times like that...and I was in a community 1,000 miles away from my friends and family, so it was hard at first--but you'd be surprised how helpful people can be soon after you meet. If you reach out to him in times of need for support, you'll stay confused, because we're programmed to appreciate that...and wonder, could it be like this all the time?

AND, subconsciously we sometimes lean on them because deep down a part of us still wants to feel loved by them.

FutureTrip

Oh, believe me, I know a big part of me was just wanting him to take care of me and be there and let me forget everything and pretend that all these past months could be washed away.

Before we had our daughter, he was amazing at taking care of me when i was sick or depressed. We had a wonderful codependent relationship, ha! Just taking care of each other and ignoring why we needed to be taken care of. And when I'm finally kicked down and want to give up, there is nothing more that I want than to curl up and let him have those moments of being my knight with chicken soup.

And sometimes I look back at that and I feel so guilty for leaving while he's down. Like I'm a total hypocrite and selfish person. But I don't know what else to do. I've told him many times, if I didn't have our daughter I know I'd put myself through many more years of this rollercoaster, but I just can't do that to her. I have to leave for her and for him. At least I hope that it's the right decision.

SparkleKitty

He'd "down" as a consequence of the choices he has made. Taking care of yourself and your daughter is never a "wrong" decision.

pndm07

I am going through this too. But I read somewhere "if it's good for the family, it's good for the alcoholic." I also feel guilty, but staying with them, making it easier and more comfortable for them to have a safe haven, isn't helping with their addiction. Even though the focus really should be on ourselves and not them, I take comfort in knowing that I'm probably doing him a huge favor by leaving him to his own devices. I think some of the recovering A's who post here say the same thing. So take comfort in knowing that you're actually helping him. I am trying to go by that too.

tomsteve

welp, something that buggered me up when saying a bunch of the same thing to a good friend, ill ask you what he asked me:
who allowed that to happen?who VOLUNTEERED to do it?
just because you did all that enabling VOLUNTARILY doesn't mean hes going to magically be there when you truly need help.

pretty harsh, but true.