Advice for newly sober at social occasions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3
Advice for newly sober at social occasions
Hi Everyone,
I am new to sobriety. Whilst not physically addicted to alcohol, I drink excessively 2/3 nights a week (for 15 years, prob 1/2 nights a week for 10 years before that), the consequences of which are enough to make me want to stop. Every time I have a drink I get drunk, I am absolutely and completely unable to moderate my alcohol intake once started. Over the last 9 months I have tried to quit several times and have failed every time. I am now 4 days sober and back at AA meetings, really serious about it this time. I have been to some sharing meetings but I don't have a sponsor, haven't started the steps and don't feel I know enough to support me properly yet.
In about 10 days we are traveling overseas to visit my husband's family, many of whom I haven't seen in 8 years. None of them know I have been to AA and I can't tell them. They know that sometimes I used to get too drunk and made an idiot of myself but they probably expect I have settled down by now. They are all big drinkers (but not alcoholics). As we haven't been back for so long there is going to be social occasion after social occasion. Dinner round at this cousin's house, drinks at the pub, another dinner. I am going to be offered alcohol on a daily basis, possibly many times a day. And I am **** scared because if I relapse I will almost definitely embarrass myself, insult someone, do something stupid.
That is the background for my question which is: if anyone has any advice for me I would really appreciate it. For example, what to say to people about why I am not drinking when I don't want to tell them the truth. (I know a lot of people will say just tell them the truth but I can't so that will just be a waste of time!). More importantly are there any psychological tricks you can use on yourself or things you can tell yourself to keep from having a glass when the French wine is flowing and everyone is enjoying themselves and offering it to me? I have this amazing opportunity to go on this holiday and instead of looking forward to it I am dreading it. It sounds so spoilt and ungrateful but I am so scared of making an enemy/alienating my husband's family. Not being able to go to meetings is going to be really hard, and we will be away for a month so that's a long time to do it on my own.
Thanks for any advice!
Catty
I am new to sobriety. Whilst not physically addicted to alcohol, I drink excessively 2/3 nights a week (for 15 years, prob 1/2 nights a week for 10 years before that), the consequences of which are enough to make me want to stop. Every time I have a drink I get drunk, I am absolutely and completely unable to moderate my alcohol intake once started. Over the last 9 months I have tried to quit several times and have failed every time. I am now 4 days sober and back at AA meetings, really serious about it this time. I have been to some sharing meetings but I don't have a sponsor, haven't started the steps and don't feel I know enough to support me properly yet.
In about 10 days we are traveling overseas to visit my husband's family, many of whom I haven't seen in 8 years. None of them know I have been to AA and I can't tell them. They know that sometimes I used to get too drunk and made an idiot of myself but they probably expect I have settled down by now. They are all big drinkers (but not alcoholics). As we haven't been back for so long there is going to be social occasion after social occasion. Dinner round at this cousin's house, drinks at the pub, another dinner. I am going to be offered alcohol on a daily basis, possibly many times a day. And I am **** scared because if I relapse I will almost definitely embarrass myself, insult someone, do something stupid.
That is the background for my question which is: if anyone has any advice for me I would really appreciate it. For example, what to say to people about why I am not drinking when I don't want to tell them the truth. (I know a lot of people will say just tell them the truth but I can't so that will just be a waste of time!). More importantly are there any psychological tricks you can use on yourself or things you can tell yourself to keep from having a glass when the French wine is flowing and everyone is enjoying themselves and offering it to me? I have this amazing opportunity to go on this holiday and instead of looking forward to it I am dreading it. It sounds so spoilt and ungrateful but I am so scared of making an enemy/alienating my husband's family. Not being able to go to meetings is going to be really hard, and we will be away for a month so that's a long time to do it on my own.
Thanks for any advice!
Catty
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 129
"I'm on a cleanse."
"I'm taking antibiotics."
"No thank you."
"I'll take sparkling water with lime."
No one cares if you drink or not. Really! They will barely notice.
As for you, one meal, one day at a time. Celebrate every time you say "no." You can do this.
"I'm taking antibiotics."
"No thank you."
"I'll take sparkling water with lime."
No one cares if you drink or not. Really! They will barely notice.
As for you, one meal, one day at a time. Celebrate every time you say "no." You can do this.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I will not suggest telling them the truth, nor lying to them. I think it's really important to remember you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you are not drinking. It's rude for people to ask. I would suggest saying 'No, thanks' and choosing something else to drink.
However, the fact you are doing this in early recovery and you feel vulnerable, is tough. I didn't get out into social situations where alcohol was involved for many months because I tried it and it didn't work. I really have no suggestion in your situation other than to excuse yourself when you feel you need to, perhaps suggest alternate activities such as an ice-cream or coffee stop.
You can always check in here at SR as often as you like.
However, the fact you are doing this in early recovery and you feel vulnerable, is tough. I didn't get out into social situations where alcohol was involved for many months because I tried it and it didn't work. I really have no suggestion in your situation other than to excuse yourself when you feel you need to, perhaps suggest alternate activities such as an ice-cream or coffee stop.
You can always check in here at SR as often as you like.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hello,
It is great that you are reaching out prior to the trip.
I was away twice this summer, and it is the first time I have truly enjoyed every second of vacation, rather than the inside of a hotel bar.
If anyone asks, you can always say for health reasons. You can volunteer to be the driver if you are renting a car. Also, do some research about the places you are visiting and plan on being a tourist. Have an escape route planned if you are at a gathering and become tempted to drink.
I know it is difficult in the beginning, but you can do this!
It is great that you are reaching out prior to the trip.
I was away twice this summer, and it is the first time I have truly enjoyed every second of vacation, rather than the inside of a hotel bar.
If anyone asks, you can always say for health reasons. You can volunteer to be the driver if you are renting a car. Also, do some research about the places you are visiting and plan on being a tourist. Have an escape route planned if you are at a gathering and become tempted to drink.
I know it is difficult in the beginning, but you can do this!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Catty,
good thinking to plan ahead. i wasn't prepared to tell my family, either, and just had some raised eyebrows, but then, they aren't big drinkers but everyone does join in on social occasions.
what was helpful for me was to have a drink in hand at all times. this might mean you need to stock up on your favorite flavored seltzer, or sparkling apple juice with lemon slice, or pop, or water or whatever. having something in hand is calming, keeps the hand from reaching out, and stops some people from pushing stuff on you. plus, you won't be thirsty.
and it's good to make up your mind you will leave the get-together for a few minutes if you get overwhelmed. get outside, walk around, breathe.
and it's good to have your own way home if you're not staying at their place, or know where the motel is if you find everything undoable.
also, if you know of even one person there who doesn't drink, stick with them.
if there are no such grown-ups, go play games with the kids. or watch movies with the young teens. or get on a computer and come here. or phone a friend long-distance who you've cleared that with beforehand and who will be supportive no matter if you wake them up.
that kind of stuff.
good thinking to plan ahead. i wasn't prepared to tell my family, either, and just had some raised eyebrows, but then, they aren't big drinkers but everyone does join in on social occasions.
what was helpful for me was to have a drink in hand at all times. this might mean you need to stock up on your favorite flavored seltzer, or sparkling apple juice with lemon slice, or pop, or water or whatever. having something in hand is calming, keeps the hand from reaching out, and stops some people from pushing stuff on you. plus, you won't be thirsty.
and it's good to make up your mind you will leave the get-together for a few minutes if you get overwhelmed. get outside, walk around, breathe.
and it's good to have your own way home if you're not staying at their place, or know where the motel is if you find everything undoable.
also, if you know of even one person there who doesn't drink, stick with them.
if there are no such grown-ups, go play games with the kids. or watch movies with the young teens. or get on a computer and come here. or phone a friend long-distance who you've cleared that with beforehand and who will be supportive no matter if you wake them up.
that kind of stuff.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
If you're tempted, play the tape forward past the first and second drinks to the inevitability loss of control, and to your likely behaviour, and to being stuck with all those feelings of shame and remorse in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by lots of people.
It's also worth checking out the details of AA meetings or there. Maybe in nearby places if you and hubby will have access to a car. Hopefully you and he will have some time to yourself to mooch about, so with his support you could get in a few daytime meetings.
Also, check in, read and post on here as much as possible. There are some great AA speaker recordings on this site (all free) 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
I have a cheap little, even mp3 player that download the onto. It's very discreet and allows me to top up with the solution and sane thinking between meetings. I also have the big book and living sober and the 12 and 12 downloaded onto my kindle to read as often as possible (daily !)
Most of the time, when I was drinking, I'd happily just sit there quaffing for hours. Now that would make me restless, and I'm much happier getting a bit involved. This might mean offering help, or at least hanging around with whose cooking dinner and chatting as they work. Helping set up and clear up for dinner, just as is advised for AA meetings! Offer to take the dog for a walk if there is one. Play with the kids - maybe ask them to show them their favourite local park and take the there. Encourage people to go for a walk after dinner (nothing like a bit of time with GOD - Great Out Doors. )
Most of all, remember, you don't owe it to ANYONE to break your sobriety. You don't owe them wild. Or chatty. Or pissed. And you don't owe it to anyone to listen to their drunken ramblings for hours on end. Have an escape route and don't feel bad if you decide to use it on several occasions.
Take care, and like I said, stay close to this forum. These guys got me through a Hen weekend in Berlin sober, so it can be done.
It's also worth checking out the details of AA meetings or there. Maybe in nearby places if you and hubby will have access to a car. Hopefully you and he will have some time to yourself to mooch about, so with his support you could get in a few daytime meetings.
Also, check in, read and post on here as much as possible. There are some great AA speaker recordings on this site (all free) 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
I have a cheap little, even mp3 player that download the onto. It's very discreet and allows me to top up with the solution and sane thinking between meetings. I also have the big book and living sober and the 12 and 12 downloaded onto my kindle to read as often as possible (daily !)
Most of the time, when I was drinking, I'd happily just sit there quaffing for hours. Now that would make me restless, and I'm much happier getting a bit involved. This might mean offering help, or at least hanging around with whose cooking dinner and chatting as they work. Helping set up and clear up for dinner, just as is advised for AA meetings! Offer to take the dog for a walk if there is one. Play with the kids - maybe ask them to show them their favourite local park and take the there. Encourage people to go for a walk after dinner (nothing like a bit of time with GOD - Great Out Doors. )
Most of all, remember, you don't owe it to ANYONE to break your sobriety. You don't owe them wild. Or chatty. Or pissed. And you don't owe it to anyone to listen to their drunken ramblings for hours on end. Have an escape route and don't feel bad if you decide to use it on several occasions.
Take care, and like I said, stay close to this forum. These guys got me through a Hen weekend in Berlin sober, so it can be done.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Sorry to be the party pooper but in early sobriety I always advise hanging back in favour of strengthening your sober muscles
Kinda like if you go to the gym to pump weights you would never start on the heaviest weights they have, instead take it gradual bit by bit, so not going to gatherings where alcohol is present in early sobriety is my advice
all in good time when your sober muscles are stronger would be a more appropriate approach
Kinda like if you go to the gym to pump weights you would never start on the heaviest weights they have, instead take it gradual bit by bit, so not going to gatherings where alcohol is present in early sobriety is my advice
all in good time when your sober muscles are stronger would be a more appropriate approach
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I agree with Anna, you don't have to tell the whole truth and you don't have to lie. You don't need to get into alcoholism and AA and whatever else. Simply say "I'd love some sparkling water" or "do you happen to have a coke?" or whatever else you want to drink. If someone pushes the issue and asks why you don't want wine you can just say "I've actually stopped drinking alcohol, I didn't like the way it made me feel anymore" A lot of people don't drink for that reason- even normal drinkers. I know several normal drinkers, who never had more than a glass or two of wine who just don't drink anymore because even with a glass or two they felt the aftereffects and didn't want to deal with that anymore, it just isn't worth it to them.
As for surviving the social situations, always have something to eat or drink before and during. Have an out. Stay busy talking and catching up with extended family instead of focussing on the alcohol available.
It is totally possible and you can do it.
As for surviving the social situations, always have something to eat or drink before and during. Have an out. Stay busy talking and catching up with extended family instead of focussing on the alcohol available.
It is totally possible and you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
you don't have to tell anyone youre in aa. but id suggest ya be honest and say ya decided to stop drinking.
look for meetings around there before you go.
take your big book.
have an escape route.
keep in fit spiritual condition.
and no matter what, a drink wont get into you unless you allow it. no more excuses.
look for meetings around there before you go.
take your big book.
have an escape route.
keep in fit spiritual condition.
and no matter what, a drink wont get into you unless you allow it. no more excuses.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
I'm with soberwolf but it's a personal decision. At almost 9 months, I still haven't gone to parties or events will the alcohol will freely flow. I don't want to tempt myself and in truth, maybe I don't trust myself just yet. But you don't owe anyone an explanation for what you're drinking. It's none of their business.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 403
Good luck in the coming weeks.
This is one time when I'm glad I don't have much of social life or go out very often. The one friend I did have a social life (rather, a drinking life) with is still my friend and we talk on the phone, but I haven't seen her since last year's bender which also landed me in the hospital. I'm not avoiding her, but we really don't connect without alcohol. When I was reading Hepola's book and she described the many awkward moments between her and her old friends, I cringed. I don't think I could do it.
This is one time when I'm glad I don't have much of social life or go out very often. The one friend I did have a social life (rather, a drinking life) with is still my friend and we talk on the phone, but I haven't seen her since last year's bender which also landed me in the hospital. I'm not avoiding her, but we really don't connect without alcohol. When I was reading Hepola's book and she described the many awkward moments between her and her old friends, I cringed. I don't think I could do it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
