Little Nervous
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Little Nervous
I have not made a thread in a while. Things have been plugging along, my children and I have had a pretty nice summer all in all. Doing some short trips, just getting out of town once in a while. We stayed in a nice hotel last weekend in the city and did a little school shopping. The kids went swimming and just relaxed. Next weekend going camping with family. Should be fun.
I have been getting along with the X fairly decently, he has not been drinking around my kids that I can see. My older DD goes and visits him on the Saturday morning that her sister is there b/c the youngest has to still go every other weekend. It's been decent.
He goes to my younger DD's games which is good. Last night we chatted a bit (we don't do that very often), and he told me he is taking the girls to an event Saturday evening. Issue is, the last time he took them to this evet they were pretty sure he was drinking, and it's quite possible he was.
My older DD has made it very clear if he EVER drinks around her a single time again, she is 100% done. She is old enough to be done should she make that decision. He has been made aware of this, and knows. So if he decides to drink, he is well aware of the consequence. He will lose his daughter, forever. Her choice.
It's been nice that they have been doing some things together. I know it's only a matter of time, but of course it leaves me dealing with that walking on egg shells type of feeling...again. Ugh. It's just that feeling of dread that I hate.
It's easy to get into a routine and think how nice it would be to coparent with a normal person. That would be so great. However, looking at past actions, there is no normal, just cycles of addictive behavior, and sadly, I fear a cycle of not so good behavior is coming our way.
I will do what I always do, prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
I have been getting along with the X fairly decently, he has not been drinking around my kids that I can see. My older DD goes and visits him on the Saturday morning that her sister is there b/c the youngest has to still go every other weekend. It's been decent.
He goes to my younger DD's games which is good. Last night we chatted a bit (we don't do that very often), and he told me he is taking the girls to an event Saturday evening. Issue is, the last time he took them to this evet they were pretty sure he was drinking, and it's quite possible he was.
My older DD has made it very clear if he EVER drinks around her a single time again, she is 100% done. She is old enough to be done should she make that decision. He has been made aware of this, and knows. So if he decides to drink, he is well aware of the consequence. He will lose his daughter, forever. Her choice.
It's been nice that they have been doing some things together. I know it's only a matter of time, but of course it leaves me dealing with that walking on egg shells type of feeling...again. Ugh. It's just that feeling of dread that I hate.
It's easy to get into a routine and think how nice it would be to coparent with a normal person. That would be so great. However, looking at past actions, there is no normal, just cycles of addictive behavior, and sadly, I fear a cycle of not so good behavior is coming our way.
I will do what I always do, prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Do you find that the walking on egg shells feeling somehow seems twice as bad as it did when you lived it daily? I do. I think it is because recovery helps us to understand what a new normal can be and it isn't about walking on egg shells.
I hope you can live in today without too much worry for the weekend or the potential cycle of bad choices, and I especially hope your kids' dad will make good choices.
Hugs - I think it is particularly hard when kids are involved. But you and the kids have worked hard to heal and have the tools you need. You're such a good mama!
I hope you can live in today without too much worry for the weekend or the potential cycle of bad choices, and I especially hope your kids' dad will make good choices.
Hugs - I think it is particularly hard when kids are involved. But you and the kids have worked hard to heal and have the tools you need. You're such a good mama!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
First....thank you so much! Sometimes when I get caught up in the walking on eggshells and anxiety, it's nice to get affirmation that I am still a good mom, that I have done all I can. I really appreciate that, it's easy to forget how hard you try in the day to day grind.
Yes, I do think the walking on eggshells is worse when you don't live together regarding our children. I know that this is not a normal and positive cycle for them. I just want them to grow up as happy, healthy, productive people who are drawn to the right type of marriage for themselves. I am aware of it so much more now.
I do find that the parts of anxiety I dealt with in the past regarding myself (monitoring him all the time, constantly checking the bank account before he picked up kids to know he had or had not been drinking, worry about cheating, all those unhealthy habits, etc) are completely gone, and that is a HUGE relief. I still catch myself sometimes. It's like I am not sure what to do when I do have peace in my life. I only knew chaos so long that it's what I expect. I am learning a new normal, but it takes time.
I really appreciate your input and encouragement so much. Have a great day!
Yes, I do think the walking on eggshells is worse when you don't live together regarding our children. I know that this is not a normal and positive cycle for them. I just want them to grow up as happy, healthy, productive people who are drawn to the right type of marriage for themselves. I am aware of it so much more now.
I do find that the parts of anxiety I dealt with in the past regarding myself (monitoring him all the time, constantly checking the bank account before he picked up kids to know he had or had not been drinking, worry about cheating, all those unhealthy habits, etc) are completely gone, and that is a HUGE relief. I still catch myself sometimes. It's like I am not sure what to do when I do have peace in my life. I only knew chaos so long that it's what I expect. I am learning a new normal, but it takes time.
I really appreciate your input and encouragement so much. Have a great day!
Originally Posted by greeteachday 
Do you find that the walking on egg shells feeling somehow seems twice as bad as it did when you lived it daily? I do. I think it is because recovery helps us to understand what a new normal can be and it isn't about walking on egg shells.
I hope you can live in today without too much worry for the weekend or the potential cycle of bad choices, and I especially hope your kids' dad will make good choices.
Hugs - I think it is particularly hard when kids are involved. But you and the kids have worked hard to heal and have the tools you need. You're such a good mama!
I hope you can live in today without too much worry for the weekend or the potential cycle of bad choices, and I especially hope your kids' dad will make good choices.
Hugs - I think it is particularly hard when kids are involved. But you and the kids have worked hard to heal and have the tools you need. You're such a good mama!
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I don't really have any advise for you but just wanted to send you lots of love and hugs, you are an amazingly strong person and regardless of how the situation ends you will be there to show love and support to your children and help them through if it doesn't end well (((((hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hopeful,
I am happy that your x is not drinking around the kids. That is a blessing in disguise for everyone involved. I just want to remind you not to get your hopes up. You have to remember that he has the selfish alcoholic tendencies that will never go away till he grows up, sobers up and works a program. It will eventually rear it's ugly head.
Try not to set the bar to high, knowing that it will come crashing down and you will be hurt by it.
Sending you hugs that things are great, today!!
I am happy that your x is not drinking around the kids. That is a blessing in disguise for everyone involved. I just want to remind you not to get your hopes up. You have to remember that he has the selfish alcoholic tendencies that will never go away till he grows up, sobers up and works a program. It will eventually rear it's ugly head.
Try not to set the bar to high, knowing that it will come crashing down and you will be hurt by it.
Sending you hugs that things are great, today!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good Morning.
Well, my youngest went to her dad's house this past weekend and all was well for her. My oldest went on Saturday all day (no spending the night, I doubt that will ever happen), which is big for her. That went well also. He actually took them to do some things instead of just sitting there and looking at each other, then getting mad when they get bored.
They did not know he was sending me a text calling my a hyprocrytical B on Saturday while they were with him. It was over something very minor that, as usual, he was throwing a fit about nothing in the attempt to take the focus off his own bad behavior. Some of it was his wife texting me, I can definitely tell the difference, he is much more rude and curses. I told them to leave me alone and stopped answering.
If my children knew he said those things to me, they would be done with him 100%. However, I don't say a word b/c one of these days they will be done on their own, and it won't be b/c I told them anything. I have always taken that stance. We all know, an addict will hang themselves. It's very sad. I want him to be a good dad, and to have a good relationship with the kids. He is making more of an effort with them than he has in a very long time. HOWEVER, we all know the shoe will drop eventually. I just hope he can hold out and keep making an effort until my youngest DD is old enough to not go over there if she does not want to.
In the mean time, I am just happy the weekend is over and this coming weekend my sister and I are taking my kids on a fun weekend trip. I am taking off of work on Friday, so I even get a short week. Yay!
It was bad for me Saturday. I wish I could not let it affect me when he texts me with conflict. I actually had a panic attack. I was with my mom, who knows about all of this, so it was good that I was not alone. I got over it and moved on, that's all I can do for now. I can say however that even though it did affect me, it was less. It's getting better as time goes on, thank goodness. I had to see him the next day when he brought my DD home before church, and at church. I just went about my business and acted like I always do. He does not know he causes me panic attacks, and I will never let him know he has that sort of control over me or he would exploit it like crazy.
For now, I will focus on trying to have a happy day TODAY, and not future trip on things.
Well, my youngest went to her dad's house this past weekend and all was well for her. My oldest went on Saturday all day (no spending the night, I doubt that will ever happen), which is big for her. That went well also. He actually took them to do some things instead of just sitting there and looking at each other, then getting mad when they get bored.
They did not know he was sending me a text calling my a hyprocrytical B on Saturday while they were with him. It was over something very minor that, as usual, he was throwing a fit about nothing in the attempt to take the focus off his own bad behavior. Some of it was his wife texting me, I can definitely tell the difference, he is much more rude and curses. I told them to leave me alone and stopped answering.
If my children knew he said those things to me, they would be done with him 100%. However, I don't say a word b/c one of these days they will be done on their own, and it won't be b/c I told them anything. I have always taken that stance. We all know, an addict will hang themselves. It's very sad. I want him to be a good dad, and to have a good relationship with the kids. He is making more of an effort with them than he has in a very long time. HOWEVER, we all know the shoe will drop eventually. I just hope he can hold out and keep making an effort until my youngest DD is old enough to not go over there if she does not want to.
In the mean time, I am just happy the weekend is over and this coming weekend my sister and I are taking my kids on a fun weekend trip. I am taking off of work on Friday, so I even get a short week. Yay!
It was bad for me Saturday. I wish I could not let it affect me when he texts me with conflict. I actually had a panic attack. I was with my mom, who knows about all of this, so it was good that I was not alone. I got over it and moved on, that's all I can do for now. I can say however that even though it did affect me, it was less. It's getting better as time goes on, thank goodness. I had to see him the next day when he brought my DD home before church, and at church. I just went about my business and acted like I always do. He does not know he causes me panic attacks, and I will never let him know he has that sort of control over me or he would exploit it like crazy.
For now, I will focus on trying to have a happy day TODAY, and not future trip on things.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm glad the girls had a good weekend, but so sorry your ex was upsetting you. It's got to be really difficult when you can't block him when your girls are there, so you do have to at least scan the texts. I hope that over time you can read them as if they were just comments you scan on some social media site reacting to some nonsensical "news" article and have nothing to do with you or who you are. Because really, they don't have anything to do with you. It's all about him and what a loser he is. Glad you stopped responding. Consider his immature text tantrums just further reasons to feel grateful that you are divorced!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's odd that that his texts affect me so much in that moment. Now, looking back a couple of days later, I just see quack quack. At that moment, I was so upset. Just trying to be aware of it and break the cycle.
Thank you again for your encouragement and talking me through this, it means so much to me! Greeteachday...you are a great friend!
Thank you again for your encouragement and talking me through this, it means so much to me! Greeteachday...you are a great friend!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Now, looking back a couple of days later, I just see quack quack. At that moment, I was so upset.
I'm glad you had your mom to provide support this weekend and super happy for you and the kiddos about your upcoming weekend trip.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Thank you! I am excited out our weekend trip too. It's our last harrah before school starts, so I am hoping to have a lot of fun.
You are right, it's so much harder with the kids involved. I see my older DD letting her guard down a little w/her dad. Scares me b/c I know she will end up disappointed. It's not my call to make, I will just be there for them no matter what. I am so glad my mom was with me as well. She really knows about all of this and understands. It's so great not to be alone in that frame of mind.
Getting ready to go home and cook. My youngest DD likes to cook. Their request is homemade chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese LOL. It's only 106 degrees outside...why not?!!
For now, just counting the two more days I have to go before we get out of here for the weekend and have some much needed FUN!
You are right, it's so much harder with the kids involved. I see my older DD letting her guard down a little w/her dad. Scares me b/c I know she will end up disappointed. It's not my call to make, I will just be there for them no matter what. I am so glad my mom was with me as well. She really knows about all of this and understands. It's so great not to be alone in that frame of mind.
Getting ready to go home and cook. My youngest DD likes to cook. Their request is homemade chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese LOL. It's only 106 degrees outside...why not?!!
For now, just counting the two more days I have to go before we get out of here for the weekend and have some much needed FUN!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
