pndm07

This should be a no-brainer but I really just need to hear it. I have a meeting with the lawyer. I am converting my legal separation to a divorce. My backstory is on various threads, but in a nutshell, he is in relapse now, 2nd time in less than a year, after a few years sobriety, and is now holed up with his mother in her place where the both of them are drunk and have been on a bender for the past 2 weeks or so.
The straw that broke camel's back was when I had hip surgery on the 1st, and needed his help. He knew about it, and got drunk a few days before. I had to ask my family (parents and sister) to help me. It was embarrassing and difficult b/c they told me 5 years ago to get divorced and that this would happen. It created a huge rift b/t me and my family. But they came through for me.
I told him after the last relapse that I cannot stay married if it happens again. He has been calling me on and off over the past few days, clearly drunk. At one point cried that he won't have anything if I divorce him. He has been unable to hold a steady job over the past few years. In 2011 he had a good one, then got fired b/c of his drinking. Sobered up for a while, got a part time, low paying job for a family friend's small business. They know about his problem, and I don't know if they will keep him after this.
He has been on my health insurance and I know he will have to find his own. My insurance has paid for his various treatments and rehab stints and ER visits, etc. He will have to get his own. I assume that he will be able to get one on the exchange easily since he earns next to nothing.
We have a 6 yr old boy. I don't want him to see him unless he's stone cold sober for a while. I will have to figure out how to deal with this too. This is a huge burden on me.
I've given him chance after chance. He has been active in AA, great sponsor with 30 yrs sobriety, a network of ppl in AA that he's allegedly close with. But it hasn't stuck. I've been pulled down and dragged through the mud. I even made him take Antabuse hoping that would keep him from drinking. Guess that was just a futile attempt to control it, and we all know how well that works.
I'm worried about him, but haven't checked in on him. Haven't been taking most of his calls. He may flip when I tell him (which I'll have to at some point) that I'm filing, but he flipped anyway. Staying married didn't keep him sober.
He should not be my focus, but I'm doing this for him as well as for me. I know I've enabled him in some way. I've been his fallback. Every time he relapses I've taken him back. In the process I ruined myself.
I know many of you are or have been in similar situations. I'm trying to find peace in this decision and know that it is the right thing to do in spite of my messed up emotions.
I do hope he gets better, but it's not up to me. I can't do it for him. I have to do what makes sense for me and my son. An inconsistent drunken spouse is not what is best for us.
thanks for listening.

Wisconsin

You are doing the right thing. You are absolutely, unequivocally, positively doing the right thing. For your son, for yourself, and for your AH.

My son with my STBXAH is also 6. We have been out for nearly a year. While my STBXAH is not in as advanced a stage of alcoholism as your AH, the toxicity in our home was damaging our son. Our son is now thriving. A year ago he was acting out with tremendous aggression, both physical and verbal. Today he is much calmer and much better able to manage his emotions and his reactions.

You and your son deserve better, and your AH deserves the dignity of living his life the way he wants, complete with all the consequences that come along with it.

Keeping you in my heart.

pndm07

Thanks so much Wisconsin. Your words really help. I am keeping you and your son in my thoughts too.

Wisconsin

One year ago I was where you are now--knowing I was doing the right thing, but scared and doubtful and overwhelmed by all of the unknowns. No matter what, you will be OK!

MIRecovery

Yup you are right. If nothing changes then nothing changes

CentralOhioDad

My son is 6 too. I admire your strength and determination. Good for you

dandylion

Stop doubting your self. You are so right--staying married has not stopped him in the past.....so, why think it will in the future......

Make your list of the biggest reasons that you have come to this point....and keep it within reach at all times---read it every time you start to doubt yourself......

dandylion

Sunshine1234

You are doing the right thing. Can you see yourself with him for LIFE and as someone who can provide, support and love you? I am in a similar situation as you know from a previous thread I replied to you on. I haven't officially filed yet but I'm SO close! Just need to muster up the strength to go forth with it. As a caring person and a mother of course you are going to have moments of doubts and wonder if there is anymore you can do and if you are doing the right thing for your son. Like dandylion said make a list of negatives. I did that the first day I moved out months ago and whenever I have moments of weakness I read the list (it's long) and I have my "ah-ha" moment of oh right, that's why I left and that's why I'm not going back. Your son will look at you one day, when he can put all of the pieces together, as such a strong woman who cared so much about him and his well being. You ARE doing the right thing. Although painful as he** it's the right thing. Hang in there 💞

hopeful4

You are 100% doing the right thing. Whatever actions he decides to take from here are his own choices which you have no control over. Hugs to you.

theuncertainty

IDK. How could you possible consider throwing back this catch:
Can't hold a job, wants you to stay because of the material things you can provide.... Ah, it's the marriage / partnership every girl dreams of. I'm being completely sarcastic.

Seriously, though, you're doing the right thing. Hang in there.

CentralOhioDad

How did the appt. go?

FutureTrip

As you know from my posts, I'm right there with you. I truly believe if I don't follow through with my divorce I will end up in your same place 4 years from now, 6 year old child who is now fully affected by his addiction, he may have gotten a good period of sobriety but relapse will always be a part of his journey. And if you don't follow through now, you will be in the same place too in 4 years but now with 4 more years of addiction affecting your 10 year old son and 4 more years of yourself given to the craziness.

Hugs, support and best to you. This place is awful but we KNOW it will get better for us and our our children.

pndm07

Thanks FT - interesting how similar the situations are. You are so right. I tried and tried and gave chance after chance. Our kids deserve better. Hugs.

pndm07

Hi all. An update - I just saw lawyer. To effect a divorce I need his W-2 or tax return. The court requires it even if I don't ask for child support (which I won't, but they require it anyway). Problem is he is drunk now and I don't know how to talk to him (I don't even want to talk to him). I don't know how long he will be drunk - this bender has been going on for weeks.
The alternative if I don't get his w-2 would be him getting summoned it would end up costing a fortune for me (and him, but he can't afford it, so I'd probably end up paying for it) and it would get unwieldy.
I know his employer and they know his issue. I don't know if anyone has any experience with this but is it out of bounds if I ask them for his 1099? I am so confused and upset now. Just feel like cracking

dandylion

pndm....did you actually meet with the lawyer yet?.....

dandylion

pndm07

I did just meet with him - my post is above. I need advice now. AH drunk and I need his tax forms. Aaaahhh!!

dandylion

sorry....we posted at the same time!!! ....lol....

I wish I had more legal experience, but I don't. If it were me..I would do one of those free 1/2 hour lawyer consultations...on the phone...with a TAX ATTORNEY.....and, just asl how to get a copy of your spouses W2......

LOL...Donald Trump won't give his tax records over. either...lol).....

there HAS to be a way around this....you can't be the first one faced with t his!!

pndm07

Thanks Dandylion - the funny thing is AH works as an office assistant for a tax firm (although I don't think he's been there for the past few weeks while he's been drinking - good thing that the owner is a family friend which is the only reason he kept him on after last year's bender) and I wonder if I can talk to them. They know the situation, that he's an A. At the same time he will need to keep that job in order to buy himself health insurance and I don't want to make things worse on that end. However I don't think it can get any worse.

hopeful4

That's terrible. I would speak to his employer, I don't think they will give it to you, but the worst they can say is no.

After that, I am not sure.

Tight hugs, I am so sorry.

biminiblue

Do you have copies of your tax returns? That might be enough. (W2s and 1099s are on there.)

Also, when I got divorced I didn't have copies of my tax returns. Really not smart on my part to file joint returns, sign my name to them and then not have a certified copy for my own files.