Abuse
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Abuse
It is really sinking in how emotionally abusive my ex is/was… that he is really not a good person. That he abandoned me, and that he ran away and is avoiding having to feel anything at all. Coming out of the FOG is not easy (Fear-Obligation-Guilt). So much of it goes farther back too, so while I am dealing with the wounds from my most recent relationship there are also wounds from childhood that primed me for this type of relationship. That I slept next to someone who could so easily turn on someone they claimed to love (I am starting to doubt he ever did…) and move on as if nothing happened.
I know that he needs someone else to help him along with his illusion, but it doesn’t help me to feel any better. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I allowed someone to treat me so horribly for so long. I am trying to dig myself out from all the emotional abuse…
“No one is ever going to put up with you”
“No one I know would think/say that”
“No one else thinks that way”
“Everyone I talked to agrees with me that…”
“Well what about when you did this… or this.. or this..”
“I don’t care what you think”
“Stop bothering me”
“Just go away”
“Just shut the **** up”
*Punches holes through doors or walls*
“You are young, you should want sex. What is wrong with you?”
“I think you should go back to therapy”
“Stop telling me how I feel” – as I attempt to tell him how *I* feel
“I never realized how much your mom drinking affected you”
“You are such a bitch”
“You’re overreacting/over thinking/over analyzing”
*Constantly interrupts when I try to tell a story*
Deflects… blames… shames…
Trust ruined by a million broken promises…
Everything he denies saying about me….
Please, before this continues to happen to you or someone you love recognize it for what it is… ABUSE. Words do hurt and I am recognizing that is why I have such bad days. Those words replay in my mind over and over because you start to believe them… they start to FEEL real, like the truth. I think I would have rather have been punched in the face because at least then I would have proof and people wouldn’t be telling me how nice of a guy he is and how it was obvious he loved me. ********.
This type of abuse can be best described as brainwashing. It temporarily ruins your life, your perception of the world and your sense of self. I don't know who I can trust now.. I don't know if I even trust my lawyer..
Get out while you can if you recognize your spouse in any of the above.
I know that he needs someone else to help him along with his illusion, but it doesn’t help me to feel any better. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I allowed someone to treat me so horribly for so long. I am trying to dig myself out from all the emotional abuse…
“No one is ever going to put up with you”
“No one I know would think/say that”
“No one else thinks that way”
“Everyone I talked to agrees with me that…”
“Well what about when you did this… or this.. or this..”
“I don’t care what you think”
“Stop bothering me”
“Just go away”
“Just shut the **** up”
*Punches holes through doors or walls*
“You are young, you should want sex. What is wrong with you?”
“I think you should go back to therapy”
“Stop telling me how I feel” – as I attempt to tell him how *I* feel
“I never realized how much your mom drinking affected you”
“You are such a bitch”
“You’re overreacting/over thinking/over analyzing”
*Constantly interrupts when I try to tell a story*
Deflects… blames… shames…
Trust ruined by a million broken promises…
Everything he denies saying about me….
Please, before this continues to happen to you or someone you love recognize it for what it is… ABUSE. Words do hurt and I am recognizing that is why I have such bad days. Those words replay in my mind over and over because you start to believe them… they start to FEEL real, like the truth. I think I would have rather have been punched in the face because at least then I would have proof and people wouldn’t be telling me how nice of a guy he is and how it was obvious he loved me. ********.
This type of abuse can be best described as brainwashing. It temporarily ruins your life, your perception of the world and your sense of self. I don't know who I can trust now.. I don't know if I even trust my lawyer..
Get out while you can if you recognize your spouse in any of the above.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Oh, man - I heard a lot of that stuff, plus some other lovely insults / attacks.
It helped me to completely counter all the things horrible I remember him saying to me with positive words by someone who loves me - ME!
You are a controlling c***.
no, I was pretty controlling for a while, but I realized and then turned myself around, and although no one is perfect, I'm pretty great
You are such a b!tch
no, I am a very, very sweet person - AND DAMN FUNNY!
It helps!
I'm sorry you went through those abusive times. Everything I've seen from you is the complete opposite. You are introspective, helpful, thoughtful, and very, very kind. You didn't deserve that at all! (((EXPANDING)))
- And you are SO right - so much healing comes after we are out of the environment.
It helped me to completely counter all the things horrible I remember him saying to me with positive words by someone who loves me - ME!
You are a controlling c***.
no, I was pretty controlling for a while, but I realized and then turned myself around, and although no one is perfect, I'm pretty great
You are such a b!tch
no, I am a very, very sweet person - AND DAMN FUNNY!
It helps!
I'm sorry you went through those abusive times. Everything I've seen from you is the complete opposite. You are introspective, helpful, thoughtful, and very, very kind. You didn't deserve that at all! (((EXPANDING)))
- And you are SO right - so much healing comes after we are out of the environment.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding.....is there a reason that you aren't sure that you can trust your lawyer?
I think that trust is so important in one's relationship with their lawyer....
If your l awyer is a male...do you think you cpuld trust a female lawyer more easily?
dandylion
I think that trust is so important in one's relationship with their lawyer....
If your l awyer is a male...do you think you cpuld trust a female lawyer more easily?
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Thank you Firebolt for the kind words 
Dandy - I am not sure. I think it's a general sense of uneasiness around most people now. My mind plays tricks and thinks of crazy scenarios that "could" happen... like stuff that probably never would but my father has a way of making me extremely paranoid
Dandy - I am not sure. I think it's a general sense of uneasiness around most people now. My mind plays tricks and thinks of crazy scenarios that "could" happen... like stuff that probably never would but my father has a way of making me extremely paranoid
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Expanding, I know what you mean about how you don't recognize it as abuse. I heard the following from XAH:
When he wouldn't remember something I'd told him or something we'd discussed (which was ALL THE TIME): "Well, I guess it just wasn't important enough to commit to memory."
"I don't want to get any kind of help b/c what if I get better and find out I don't like it here w/you?" This felt like a particularly low blow to me.
And in the last year or two, he'd come home from an AA meeting and claim he'd been talking to someone there about how he'd hidden his drinking from me for years. This would all be for the purpose of telling me how this person had allegedly said "What a stupid bitch" or some variation thereof, referring to me. I'm about 99% sure this was just his passive/aggressive way of saying it to me himself but in a "safe" way--after all, he was just repeating what someone else had said, right?
And even now, if you asked me if he was abusive, I'd say no, not really--unless I actually really thought about it, and then I'd have to say yes. Not in a big bad scary way, but in a lot of subtle little ways that I really didn't notice at the time but which still had their effect...
When he wouldn't remember something I'd told him or something we'd discussed (which was ALL THE TIME): "Well, I guess it just wasn't important enough to commit to memory."
"I don't want to get any kind of help b/c what if I get better and find out I don't like it here w/you?" This felt like a particularly low blow to me.
And in the last year or two, he'd come home from an AA meeting and claim he'd been talking to someone there about how he'd hidden his drinking from me for years. This would all be for the purpose of telling me how this person had allegedly said "What a stupid bitch" or some variation thereof, referring to me. I'm about 99% sure this was just his passive/aggressive way of saying it to me himself but in a "safe" way--after all, he was just repeating what someone else had said, right?
And even now, if you asked me if he was abusive, I'd say no, not really--unless I actually really thought about it, and then I'd have to say yes. Not in a big bad scary way, but in a lot of subtle little ways that I really didn't notice at the time but which still had their effect...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
My goodness honeypig that is so mean!!
It makes me shake my head... how do we not notice it as abuse? I have been hearing a lot about the frog in boiling water... if you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out, but if you place the frog in warm water and slowly turn up the heat it will boil to death.
I think this is a great analogy to describe why we, the frog, are boiling and we don't even realize it
My ex also loved to make me feel crazy. If I tried to bring something up he would always shut it down by claiming I was saying it in a rude way. I would be so confused because I wasn't trying to be rude, but it worked as a diversion tactic because not only is the attention off of him but it's now on me and now *I'M* the "bad guy".
Makes me sick to my stomach
It makes me shake my head... how do we not notice it as abuse? I have been hearing a lot about the frog in boiling water... if you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out, but if you place the frog in warm water and slowly turn up the heat it will boil to death.
I think this is a great analogy to describe why we, the frog, are boiling and we don't even realize it
My ex also loved to make me feel crazy. If I tried to bring something up he would always shut it down by claiming I was saying it in a rude way. I would be so confused because I wasn't trying to be rude, but it worked as a diversion tactic because not only is the attention off of him but it's now on me and now *I'M* the "bad guy".
Makes me sick to my stomach
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
My ex also loved to make me feel crazy. If I tried to bring something up he would always shut it down by claiming I was saying it in a rude way. I would be so confused because I wasn't trying to be rude, but it worked as a diversion tactic because not only is the attention off of him but it's now on me and now *I'M* the "bad guy".
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
The following helped me a lot when I first started trying to name some of the stuff AXH pulled:
Examples of Verbal Abuse Early In A Relationship | Verbal Abuse in Relationships - HealthyPlace
It's fairly easy to see how the stuff he pulled at the end of the relationship was abusive, but so much harder to see and understand what the red flags were in what took place towards the start. I could recognize most of the ones - or similar - posted in the article.
Examples of Verbal Abuse Early In A Relationship | Verbal Abuse in Relationships - HealthyPlace
It's fairly easy to see how the stuff he pulled at the end of the relationship was abusive, but so much harder to see and understand what the red flags were in what took place towards the start. I could recognize most of the ones - or similar - posted in the article.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Yes, there was a lot of focus on how I was saying things, too. At the time, I totally took the bait and the fight would end up being about me and how rude/fierce/unclear/repetitive/etc. I was instead of the original topic. Even now, I really need to pay attention in discussions w/anyone b/c it is so easy for me to start galloping down that false trail chasing a distraction.
The say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean has been very powerful for me. If I check myself on all three, REGARDLESS of how another person takes it I am starting to be okay with it.
This has caused me to realize though that I don't have the best relationships always (not just intimate ones). I am working on making some new friendships but I have historically been in relationships with needy or others that struggle with co-dependency.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Lundy Bancroft In the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
A good read on all kinds of abuse.
None of those words said were real.
A good read on all kinds of abuse.
None of those words said were real.
Originally Posted by Expanding
It is really sinking in how emotionally abusive my ex is/was… that he is really not a good person. That he abandoned me, and that he ran away and is avoiding having to feel anything at all. Coming out of the FOG is not easy (Fear-Obligation-Guilt). So much of it goes farther back too, so while I am dealing with the wounds from my most recent relationship there are also wounds from childhood that primed me for this type of relationship. That I slept next to someone who could so easily turn on someone they claimed to love (I am starting to doubt he ever did…) and move on as if nothing happened.
I know that he needs someone else to help him along with his illusion, but it doesn’t help me to feel any better. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I allowed someone to treat me so horribly for so long. I am trying to dig myself out from all the emotional abuse…
“No one is ever going to put up with you”
“No one I know would think/say that”
“No one else thinks that way”
“Everyone I talked to agrees with me that…”
“Well what about when you did this… or this.. or this..”
“I don’t care what you think”
“Stop bothering me”
“Just go away”
“Just shut the **** up”
*Punches holes through doors or walls*
“You are young, you should want sex. What is wrong with you?”
“I think you should go back to therapy”
“Stop telling me how I feel” – as I attempt to tell him how *I* feel
“I never realized how much your mom drinking affected you”
“You are such a bitch”
“You’re overreacting/over thinking/over analyzing”
*Constantly interrupts when I try to tell a story*
Deflects… blames… shames…
Trust ruined by a million broken promises…
Everything he denies saying about me….
Please, before this continues to happen to you or someone you love recognize it for what it is… ABUSE. Words do hurt and I am recognizing that is why I have such bad days. Those words replay in my mind over and over because you start to believe them… they start to FEEL real, like the truth. I think I would have rather have been punched in the face because at least then I would have proof and people wouldn’t be telling me how nice of a guy he is and how it was obvious he loved me. ********.
This type of abuse can be best described as brainwashing. It temporarily ruins your life, your perception of the world and your sense of self. I don't know who I can trust now.. I don't know if I even trust my lawyer..
Get out while you can if you recognize your spouse in any of the above.
I know that he needs someone else to help him along with his illusion, but it doesn’t help me to feel any better. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I allowed someone to treat me so horribly for so long. I am trying to dig myself out from all the emotional abuse…
“No one is ever going to put up with you”
“No one I know would think/say that”
“No one else thinks that way”
“Everyone I talked to agrees with me that…”
“Well what about when you did this… or this.. or this..”
“I don’t care what you think”
“Stop bothering me”
“Just go away”
“Just shut the **** up”
*Punches holes through doors or walls*
“You are young, you should want sex. What is wrong with you?”
“I think you should go back to therapy”
“Stop telling me how I feel” – as I attempt to tell him how *I* feel
“I never realized how much your mom drinking affected you”
“You are such a bitch”
“You’re overreacting/over thinking/over analyzing”
*Constantly interrupts when I try to tell a story*
Deflects… blames… shames…
Trust ruined by a million broken promises…
Everything he denies saying about me….
Please, before this continues to happen to you or someone you love recognize it for what it is… ABUSE. Words do hurt and I am recognizing that is why I have such bad days. Those words replay in my mind over and over because you start to believe them… they start to FEEL real, like the truth. I think I would have rather have been punched in the face because at least then I would have proof and people wouldn’t be telling me how nice of a guy he is and how it was obvious he loved me. ********.
This type of abuse can be best described as brainwashing. It temporarily ruins your life, your perception of the world and your sense of self. I don't know who I can trust now.. I don't know if I even trust my lawyer..
Get out while you can if you recognize your spouse in any of the above.
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