JD

This is probably more common than I think. I'm starting to get annoyed at my spouse. I'm almost one year sober and when I was drinking things that bothered me would be just "oh well", I'd have another beer and forget about it. My spouse has many idiosyncrasies, don't we all, and now that I'm sober they are really starting to grate on me. To the point that it's scaring me and I'm wondering if I can accept them or not. I'm not really sure why I'm writing this but need to get this off my chest. Have others experienced this? Every situation is different but what have you done about it?

FreeOwl

Individual counseling for myself helped me grow a lot in regard to the world and others around me.

Our spouses are our closest relationship. It's really not possible to live with another human and not sometimes encounter conflict.

For me, learning to see what inside ME was creating the issues was immensely helpful. Most of the time, when I am annoyed with my wife, it's actually my own issue. Sometimes, I need to communicate with her about situations to let her know and there therapy helped me learn to express myself productively. But a lot of the time, simply learning to accept her as she is, to not take her foibles personally, to focus on allbthayv

FreeOwl

Ooops....

On all that I value about her instead of the minor things I'm getting annoyed over - makes a huge shift.

None of this took an change on her part.... it was all about my own growth.

advbike

For many of us drinking was a form of self medication, for an irritable and discontented mind. Take away the alcohol and often that irritability increases. Mine certainly did. That's where a recovery program, therapy, and mindfulness become important. Learning acceptance.

Not to say you should stay with a partner that is incompatible, but make sure that your thinking is clear and you're mentally in the right place to evaluate your happiness. In my case, I had relationship problems in early sobriety because I want working a program of recovery.

ScottFromWI

I definitely had issues "dealing" with everything around me when I got sober. My default "coping" mechanism was to just go hide and drink. That didn't work very well either obviously!

Any relationship requires compromise and honest discussion, have you discussed any of these issues with your wife? It's entirely possible that she doesn't even realize that some of them even bother you. It's also possible that you are incompatible in some ways, but that can also be OK. I'm sure she was probably annoyed by some of your "idiosyncrasies" when you were drinking too - and probably even now, right?

Anna

Yeah, I think this could just be learning to be in a marriage completely sober and present. It takes some time to adjust and learn how to cope. I think that talking to your wife would be a great place to begin.

fred59

hey it only took me 29 years to ask for a divorce, I was sober over 23 years while we raised our kids, my wife told me she would never change(she is a pack rat) and getting worse, enough I am out.
You have only been sober 1 year and that is a great milestone but still not long term recovery, if your relationship is not abusive give it your best shot communication is vital. Get as much advice as you can before calling it quits.

Soberpotamus

Oh, yes. This happened to me when I got sober. We married at the end of 2011 and I got sober in early 2013. We had lots and lots of issues once I got sober! And we still do. I have often questioned whether I should've married him at all.

It's been hard for me to separate dealing with my own lack of coping skills and finding out who I am as a sober adult vs. dealing with an incompatible marriage. I'm still fleshing this out.

One thing I know for sure -- I am exponentially better off dealing with my marriage sober! And I have my head on straight now so that if and when I do decide to part ways with him, I can do so in the right frame of mind.

It's also been enlightening for me to come to self-accceptance, self-forgiveness, and other-forgiveness during this whole process. Marriage is a nuanced thing. It's not easy to always know what's right or the best choice. There are so many grey areas and matters of taste and preference. Lots of patience required.

oldsoul112249

If he's not doing these things on purpose it makes it a lot easier to tolerate. Can you ask him in a nice way to not do certain things? The more I got sober the worse my friend got. I have almost a year. He was always odd and eccentric but it got to where every minute we were together he made a noise or action or words that he knew bothered me or made me feel small. If I asked him to stop he did it more. But he was passive aggressive. I hope you're not dealing with that.

JD

Thank you everyone. Your comments were what I needed. Upon reflection, it really pointed out that my feelings had more to do with what I struggle with and that manifested itself into taking it out on my wife. We have a lot of work being done on our house and I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the things we need to do. I worry and feed my anxiety while my wife seems to do everything but get ready for the work we're having done. The amount of work is not as much as my head made it out to be.