alcoholics wife

My brother, I very highly suspect is a drug addict. He hides his addiction from his family members but shows many signs of being an addict. He is constantly broke, has no job, can't maintain a job, my parents still give him money for food, rent, cell phone, car...Everything! And he still demands more money....never enough money. If he doesn't get money, all hell will break loose. He throws fits, rages, breaks things, cries, lies, manipulates, you name it. He LIES about EVERYTHING.

I want him to go to rehab but of course this is a challenge because he won't even admit he has a problem. I can understand the shame behind a drug problem and not wanting to disclose that information to your family members, but how then can we get him to go to rehab?

Ann

As long as they keep giving him money, he will continue to use drugs. Sadly, that's the hard truth about trying to "help".

His rages are out of control, that is dangerous and can escalate very quickly to something harmful to people around him.

You can't make him go to rehab, but perhaps having a family meeting telling him that nobody is going to enable him anymore...and then sticking to it...might help. Interventions like that can backfire, so be careful and have someone there who can handle him if he rages out of control. Or simply tell him that the free ride is over and he will have to take care of himself.

The sooner he has no more easy options, he maybe, just maybe, might decide to reach out for help.

Another suggestion...I wouldn't pay for a rehab for him, he can leave whenever he wants and you will be the one who is out the money. The Salvation Army has a very good, free rehab, and if he is sincere about wanting to get clean, he will find a program there that will help him.

Good luck, I know the heartbreak of watching someone we love self-destruct.

Hugs

PlasticInsanity

The first step to getting help is to admit that there's a problem, so if he's not there yet, nothing you say will convince him otherwise.

My suggestion is to cut him off, and advise your parents of what you are doing. Let them know they can continue to give him money if they choose as long as they understand they are funding his drug use. I've tried to tell my parents what to do and despite my best efforts, it doesn't work lol.

atalose

The truth of the matter is, you can’t. I would suggest you research and read as much as you can about addiction and addict behaviors. I do think you clearly see many of his behaviors but sounds like your parents are trapped in fear and not understanding how their help is hurting him.

I think the hardest and most frustrating and confusing thing for the loved ones of addicts is the fact that there is very little WE can do to make them see the light and accept help.

Also understanding exactly what rehab is also helps when all of our solutions are focused on just that. Rehab is an opportunity for the addict, if they chose it, to learn and understand about their disease. Learn basic tools to help them abstain and provided a number of future plans to remain that way. It’s just that an opportunity for them to embrace a different path in life, if they chose. It’s not a cure, it’s not the solution because the only solution for addiction is a willingness by the addict themselves to stop using drugs and to reach out for outside help to help them remain clean/sober each and every day.

There are a number of programs out there for family and loved ones of addicts that help them understand the disease and the powerlessness they have over the addiction and addict. Al-anon, nar-anon, celebrate recovery, private counseling with a family addiction specialist.

schnappi99

A friend of mine's brother is a crack addict, he's in the salvation army now and has been for a couple months. I don't know how much its helping him but he's still in and not using whereas before he was using a couple times/month that my friend knows about. A good sign so far..

alcoholics wife

I've been telling my parents for the past 10 years not to enable him. At first my mom was enabling. Paying for food, rent, school, giving him money. Then she eventually cut him off. No contact with him till this day. He ended up homeless. Now my dad is enabling him. Paying for rent, food, cell phone bills in hopes that he will get a job and be finally independent and also feeling that if he doesn't, my brother will go homeless again. My dad is of course getting frustrated and can not keep contributing. I've told him to state strict boundaries that he will no longer contribute and that my brother needs to go to a government rehab program (which I'm in the midst of looking into). My dad agreed to this but I suspect that once my brother (who is a master manipulator) demands money from my dad, my dad will eventually cave in. I think my dad is in huge denial over the extent of my brother's drug problem as I'm sure most parents are as they don't want to face the cold hard fact that their only son is probably using the hard, illegal street drugs.

atalose

Sometimes enablers need to hit their own bottom before change happens. Much like you can't force your brother into rehab, you can't force your dad into not enabling.

Why are YOU looking into rehabs? Has your brother even stated he wanted this kind of help?

PlasticInsanity

Parents I've noticed are often the ones who hold on the tightest. I think it's because they still see the baby they raised.

alcoholics wife

My AH just came from rehab with a very positive experience so I know the people at the rehab facility who would be able to facilitate things for my brother, if my brother is wanting that help. I'm sure that my brother won't want to go to rehab but if my dad refuses to pay for his rent, food, the basics etc and he has a choice between homelessness or rehab, I'm pretty sure he will choose the latter.

alcoholics wife

Yes I think so. My mom has given up. To my mom, she has detached and is under no contact. It's quite sad that a mother who once had hopes and dreams that her only son will grow up to have the normal life is at a state where she is at a realization that her son will probably not live longer than her. My dad on the other hand doesn't think that he is giving money to my brother to feed his addiction. He has a difficult time thinking that my brother is an addict. Certainly not his smart university PHD degree son. And the fact that my dad hadn't witnessed any drugs, my brother hasn't confessed to doing drugs adds to the illusion. For me however, I'm at a different generation than my parents. I know the signs of a drug addict (their constant lies, manipulations, irrational behaviour, insatiable need for money and even a million dollars is NOT ENOUGH).

In my brother's state of insanity, he would not be able to pick up the pieces on his own. He thinks my mom doesn't care or love him because she has detached with no contact. To him, his family (including myself) has turned their backs on him. He cannot grasp the understanding that his selfishness is impossible to tolerate to everyone around him. My dad is the only "form of love" my brother thinks he has in this world. Because my dad has not turned his back (stopped enabling) him.

It's a difficult situation because you have a individual who is in a belief that he has no one in this world (besides my dad), his self-esteem is so low, he has no job nor can't get a job, we live in an economy where it's difficult to find a good paying job in a expensive city, he has no girlfriend or friends or connections for a job. I truly think he has a mental imbalance and needs to be prescribed meds or something but then again, can't help someone who doesn't see they have a problem...

zoso77

With great difficulty. And the question assumes that the addict is capable of absorbing that information. If this has been a 10 year struggle, it would be prudent to accept the fact that he's not interested in seeking recovery.

Which is his choice.

Thus, the focus really should be on making sure the only person to pay a price for his decision is him. Thus, I encourage you to detach from this, as there's really nothing you can do. Your parents will have to arrive at that place on their own.

Detaching is not easy, especially when it comes to family. But then again, staying attached carries a heavy price...

JD

He may very well chose rehab over homelessness but rehab doesn't last for ever and if he's not committed to turn his life around it will be a waste of time and money. The addict needs to want sobriety for himself, not just to have a place to live and eat for a little while.

suki44883

Nothing going on here is in your control. You cannot force your brother into treatment and you cannot force your father to stop enabling him. Continuing to try to convince either of them of anything is useless. You Mom has the right idea.

It's time to learn and keep repeating to yourself the serenity prayer...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, (anyone else)
the courage to change the things I can, (myself)
and the wisdom to know the difference.

WeakGirl

I'm so sorry that you're in the same situation as myself. I only recently stopped enabling. My mother has put her foot down and my dad is trying.

The path to peace really is loving detachment.

Even after getting him to tell me what drugs he is on and admit how much he's spending, my brother will not acknowledge a problem.

I think a comforting lie we tell ourselves is that they are unhappy in addiction. My brother has been homeless for a while, to our faces cries about his poor confidence, how no one loves him, how the world has turned their backs. I, as a result of the size of this town, have the opportunity to witness him unaware - him laughing, smiling, partying, all the while homeless.

I still pray he finds his way before he dies of overdose. However, through this group and Nar Anon, I'm slowly learning to make MY life more manageable. Please hear the good advice given here... it's given with love.

WeakGirl

I've been to rehab for a suicide attemptish event. lol. There were plenty of people there for this reason. They're the reason you cannot have mouthwash. They talk about what they're going to use when they get out, even while sitting in rehab. Some were there for the fifth, sixth, seventh time.

No one can successfully force you away from the kind of behavior that lands you in rehab. They can't make you want to live, which is the bottom line for everyone there. It just makes you sneakier. I had never broken a rule in my life, beyond simple mistakes. In rehab, I learned to sneak drinks past security to my room (sodas, lol), how to get food from the cafeteria to a stray cat we weren't allowed to feed, how to keep from swallowing a pill with someone checking my mouth for it, how to... deceive. Trust me, the forced-in addicts were learning much worse. Some were even hoarding suboxone to sell for their drug of choice when they got out. You've got to want to do better.

schnappi99

Parents really do have it tough. There are 2 women in my alanon homegroup with heroin addicted kids. One has had her son in & out of rehab and halfway houses several times now, 2 years clean was the most he could string together; he sold the car they bought for him and all his furniture, etc- she and her husband are firm with the money & contact but the situation has crippled their marriage. She's using alanon to keep her head together, has a sponsor, working her 4th step- her husband is deep into depression and isolation.

The other lady has a daughter in rehab who has been doing pretty well. My friend also has an addicted sister and elderly & very codependent parents, she moved out and got her own place. Its been inspiring to me to see the decrease in pain radiating from her as she's made the changes.

alcoholics wife

Yes, I agree that parents really do have it tough. If you have an addicted spouse, there is the option of divorce and meeting someone better. With an addicted child, parents tend to put their child before anyone else in this world including themselves. It's just an innate part of all parents. To a parent, losing their child to death is the ultimate worst pain that can happen. Ever. If they turn their back and their child ends up dead, the guilt of not trying harder would eventually haunt a parent the rest of their lives.

again2016

my son is young and I worked with someone from a rehab center to help ne with an intervention it helped for me and my son he was so caught up in the lies he had himself convinced he wasn't like "those drug addicts" it was hard but he assisted me with the talk and the open dialog He listened and agreed for help I know im baby steps in with this one but at least he agreed and said he couldn't do it himself the shame is insane he tells me I pray that your family finds the faith to let him suffer his on consequences than he will begin to realize I have two in recovery and there is nothing easy about this disease

alcoholics wife

Thank you. I'm sorry that two of your kids are battling addiction. I feel like my brother is so caught up in his lies too. He's quick to criticize others and feels that he needs to constantly remind others how "smart, strong, better" than everyone else he is. To him, he isn't one of those "low life drug addicts", but he is! I guess he just doesn't want to admit to himself and the shame is too much to bear. I can't understand the shame he must carry, although he has made reference to him carrying a lot of shame a few times recently. He's never elaborated on it.