Belittlement
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Belittlement
Spent the day today trying to be me and distance myself from all of this.
Found out that AXGF literally days after I asked her to move out had been on dating sites (tinder) because someone else at my event saw her here there and started talking to her. He confided in me.
Anyway, my ex is attractive and apparently she will just go ahead and use looks to lure in a new guy immediately.
And I mean, like days before we are even broken up and she is still trying to bait me in.
So mad now, confused, angry. So am I just a prop that she wants to replace as soon as possible? I have no desire to have a new girl in my life now and she waited 2 seconds to start dating? Augh,
Found out that AXGF literally days after I asked her to move out had been on dating sites (tinder) because someone else at my event saw her here there and started talking to her. He confided in me.
Anyway, my ex is attractive and apparently she will just go ahead and use looks to lure in a new guy immediately.
And I mean, like days before we are even broken up and she is still trying to bait me in.
So mad now, confused, angry. So am I just a prop that she wants to replace as soon as possible? I have no desire to have a new girl in my life now and she waited 2 seconds to start dating? Augh,
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wells.....she is looking for a bandaide to plaster on her broken parts.....
I don't think that she is deliberately doing it "against you"....or because you don't have the qualities that she enjoyed about you.....but, you are no longer available to her, are you?........she is doing what the "broken" souls do....
Just like alcoholics don't drink to deliberately hurt someone else (though it does)....they do what alcoholics do...use alcohol to make themselves feel better.......
Try not to personalize and think of yourself as "not good enough"...because that just isn't true......
dandylion
I don't think that she is deliberately doing it "against you"....or because you don't have the qualities that she enjoyed about you.....but, you are no longer available to her, are you?........she is doing what the "broken" souls do....
Just like alcoholics don't drink to deliberately hurt someone else (though it does)....they do what alcoholics do...use alcohol to make themselves feel better.......
Try not to personalize and think of yourself as "not good enough"...because that just isn't true......
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Just remember shes got something that numbs emotions and stops most of your 'care factor'. Alcohol. And you don't.
It's easy to move on when you're drinking. I've done it many times myself. It's no reflection on you, it's just an indication of how emotionally immature she is due to drinking.
It's easy to move on when you're drinking. I've done it many times myself. It's no reflection on you, it's just an indication of how emotionally immature she is due to drinking.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
There are women who can't abide being by themselves, and add alcohol to the mix and you've got a predictable result.
You're not so scared of your own company, which possibly means your self-esteem is stronger. Try not to judge; in fact lower your expectations. Some people have great qualities but we mustn't hurt ourselves by expecting too much of them.
You're not so scared of your own company, which possibly means your self-esteem is stronger. Try not to judge; in fact lower your expectations. Some people have great qualities but we mustn't hurt ourselves by expecting too much of them.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
There are women who can't abide being by themselves, and add alcohol to the mix and you've got a predictable result.
You're not so scared of your own company, which possibly means your self-esteem is stronger. Try not to judge; in fact lower your expectations. Some people have great qualities but we mustn't hurt ourselves by expecting too much of them.
You're not so scared of your own company, which possibly means your self-esteem is stronger. Try not to judge; in fact lower your expectations. Some people have great qualities but we mustn't hurt ourselves by expecting too much of them.
This is such an excellent way to put this and Wells, I feel your pain. My ex supposedly "ran into someone" the night he left and started dating her immediately (we were together 8+ years and he told me he just needed space). I know exactly how you feel about being a prop. We are expecting our ex's to behave like non-alcoholics/addicts and mourn the loss of one relationship before moving on to the next. We are expecting them to do something healthy like introspect and learn from their mistakes. As you can see this probably won't happen. Someone once told me.... codependents mourn but addicts replace...
They need enablers in their lives to keep their delusion going. If it was not your friend it would be someone else....
It hurts now but as you work on yourself you will start to feel compassion for her. She literally cannot be alone and this is no indication of what kind of person you are. The new guy she ends up seeing will be a match for her the same way you were when you first met her. It will be a similar dynamic until if and when one of them "wakes up" as you have. Her history is repeating, yours doesn't have to...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wells.....a bit of twisted humor.....
Translation of common breakup statements:
"I need some space" == "I need some space without you in it"
"I don't want to hurt you" == "Before this is over I am going to mop the kitchen floor with you".
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by dandylion
Wells.....a bit of twisted humor.....
Translation of common breakup statements:
"I need some space" == "I need some space without you in it"
"I don't want to hurt you" == "Before this is over I am going to mop the kitchen floor with you".
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
W,
I think I told you right after your original post, that dont be surprised that she finds someone to support her habits asap. It will be someone who drinks as much as she does, so she has something in common with him and life will be so much better with him. You are dealing with an addict, life is not so rosey.
I know it hurts, be grateful you are off the roller coaster. Again, I am sure you have not heard the last from her. Sending hugs, this is very hard and hurtful to you!!
I think I told you right after your original post, that dont be surprised that she finds someone to support her habits asap. It will be someone who drinks as much as she does, so she has something in common with him and life will be so much better with him. You are dealing with an addict, life is not so rosey.
I know it hurts, be grateful you are off the roller coaster. Again, I am sure you have not heard the last from her. Sending hugs, this is very hard and hurtful to you!!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 99
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Actually pretty typical. She wants to convince herself she's still desirable.
And she might be, for a little while.
Not your monkey, not your circus.
And she might be, for a little while.
Not your monkey, not your circus.
Mine did the same thing. On tinder within 48 hours of me leaving back in March, while she was living in my house.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Originally Posted by Expanding
This is such an excellent way to put this and Wells, I feel your pain. My ex supposedly "ran into someone" the night he left and started dating her immediately (we were together 8+ years and he told me he just needed space). I know exactly how you feel about being a prop. We are expecting our ex's to behave like non-alcoholics/addicts and mourn the loss of one relationship before moving on to the next. We are expecting them to do something healthy like introspect and learn from their mistakes. As you can see this probably won't happen. Someone once told me.... codependents mourn but addicts replace...
They need enablers in their lives to keep their delusion going. If it was not your friend it would be someone else....
It hurts now but as you work on yourself you will start to feel compassion for her. She literally cannot be alone and this is no indication of what kind of person you are. The new guy she ends up seeing will be a match for her the same way you were when you first met her. It will be a similar dynamic until if and when one of them "wakes up" as you have. Her history is repeating, yours doesn't have to...
They need enablers in their lives to keep their delusion going. If it was not your friend it would be someone else....
It hurts now but as you work on yourself you will start to feel compassion for her. She literally cannot be alone and this is no indication of what kind of person you are. The new guy she ends up seeing will be a match for her the same way you were when you first met her. It will be a similar dynamic until if and when one of them "wakes up" as you have. Her history is repeating, yours doesn't have to...
And as much as you can expect this behavior, it still hurtshurtshurts!!!
Keep breathing into the pain and taking the next right step. It does get better.
With time, I actually got to the point that I appreciated my qualifier being in a relationship as it negated the possibility of contact. He has contacted me between relationships. I have stayed pretty smitten with him (part of my uniquely common dysfunction) so I would respond to his communication -argh!
Grieve, heal, post and be kind to yourself Wells!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Southgate, MI
Posts: 30
Yep. Our breakup 2 years ago landed him on Match within a week. A friend sent me his profile. It was laughable - lies on his height (I'm an inch taller than him and he claimed he was 2 inches taller than me), financially secure (he had no credit and was spiraling out of control in debt), social drinker (ha!). He lasted about a week on there and was later set up by a bartender friend with another alcoholic woman, the one whose friendship he had been secretly hiding that he chose over me. He has her now as an enabler even though she's in a relationship and he swears was platonic (I actually believe him - she was much older and he wasn't interested). I hear he's put his single status on fb and I'm sure he will find someone very quickly. Actually now that I'm reading all this, I'm wondering why I gave him another chance.
His email sucked me in when he said how empty his life was and that the enablers (friends) helped in the beginning but life was meaningless without a connection with me. And he had quit drinking. Yeah, I got suckered back in.
Just know it's not about you. Don't take it personally. They use alcohol to numb the real hurt you and I feel and they need 'support' from enablers who understand. We will heal eventually, and their lives will still be a mess. I feel lucky to have gotten out so I didn't lose anymore of myself to this. You will too. Hugs.
His email sucked me in when he said how empty his life was and that the enablers (friends) helped in the beginning but life was meaningless without a connection with me. And he had quit drinking. Yeah, I got suckered back in.
Just know it's not about you. Don't take it personally. They use alcohol to numb the real hurt you and I feel and they need 'support' from enablers who understand. We will heal eventually, and their lives will still be a mess. I feel lucky to have gotten out so I didn't lose anymore of myself to this. You will too. Hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Yeah, mine was on dating websites before the separation and lied stone faced about it until I showed her her own profile on my computer.
Bingo, mine listed 'social drinker' as well. I think it is meant to say 'I drink in every social setting!'
Originally Posted by Elyse16
A friend sent me his profile. It was laughable - lies on his height (I'm an inch taller than him and he claimed he was 2 inches taller than me), financially secure (he had no credit and was spiraling out of control in debt), social drinker (ha!).
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