needsupport31

I'm a 30 year old female with three kids and a husband. Kids are wonderful but husband is I think the biggest problem (bedsides myself) when it comes to my recovery. I know it angers him when I go on my weekly binge and go out and act recklessly. I hate it too. But I feel he almost enjoys belittling me and making fun of me after I do this. Maybe this is his way of coping with my behavior. I know he's mad. but yesterday I told him I really, really want it to finally end (my drinking) and his response has just been "yeah right, whatever. You won't, never will, can't, and I can't wait to say I told you so." I just wish he'd be helpful. For once lift me up instead of beat me down when I already feel terrible and ashamed. I have no other friends so really no support system at all. I know I'm an embarrassment and a problem but I want to improve myself. For me, for the kids, even for him.

ScottFromWI

Welcome needsupport. I'm sorry to hear that your husband is not helping, it's very hard for others to understand our addictions. And there can be a lot of resentments against us for our repeated bad actions when drinking.

The best thing you can do is not drink. There is a lot of support to be found here, and you can find meeting and counseling locally too...don't rule that out. As your husband and others see you staying sober you can slowly regain their trust and respect.

shirlygirly

I'm sorry to hear that he said that to you, needsupport. On the day after my last drunk I was sobbing about how I would do anything to stop drinking and asked for a hug from my boyfriend at the time. He said, "I already gave you a hug today," and went about his regular Sunday business. I hated him for it, but in retrospect I think that's what made me feel desperate enough to ask for and accept outside help. I've been sober ever since.

Regardless of why he acts/acted the way he does/did, you need to focus on your own behavior and taking care of yourself. In recovery we can lead by example. It's up to others, especially our loved ones, to decide whether or not to follow.

needsupport31

Thank you so much. I know it starts with me. This is my problem and the only solution is me as well. I guess I just felt hurt because I truly feel ready this time. Admittedly I've made similar promises to my husband post-partying while hungover and feeling like a complete fool yet didn't follow through with it and was partying again the next week. He doesn't really have any reason to believe me this time. If I were him I wouldn't either.

I do want to try to fight this on my own without outside help (therapy or counseling) first. I'm not very religious so I am not interested in AA or 12-steps since they seem very religion-based.

This is the first time I've tried reaching out to others online for support and I have high hopes that it can/will be beneficial. I'm also getting back into a regular exercise routine which has helped in the past. So I'm making my plans. Now just need to stick with it!

Soberween

I would say something to your husband along the lines of "this is not a choice on my part. I'm wired differently from you so you will never understand this disease from my physical and psychological viewpoint until you educate yourself a little and realize this isn't just a lack of willpower on my part. I wasn't a little girl who thought 'gee, when I grow up I want to be an alcoholic.' So if you want me to stop this insanity, I'm going to need you to do a little research and lend me support because I'm definitely going to need it to beat this thing." Good luck. You can do it without his encouragement, but it is so much easier if you have it. I'm rooting for you.

Forward12

Your husband may come across as harsh, but I think he does care and wants you to stop this mess. Trying to fight the thoughts that you have a problem are common, but you've come here which is a great first step in admitting that you do have one.
Try going to an AA meeting, they are free and everywhere. Otherwise speaking with an addiction therapist is also a great idea. If not for yourself, do it for your children.

sugarbear1

Sounds like you've put hubby through a lot. Maybe find support here and maybe with AA or some group or therapy. Focus on staying stopped and maybe things will change with hubby once you are sober and show him you can stay stopped.

Best wishes to you
With love and hugs,
~SB

needsupport31

This made me almost cry because it's so dead on. He doesn't usually drink nor does anyone in his family so he just simply cannot understand alcoholism. The biggest problem though is that he doesn't care to either. He just knows I drink too much and make bad decisions when I do and for some reason won't stop. As you said, he believes it's more because I am weak or "stupid" (as he's actually even said to me).

I haven't drank anything since Thursday. I don't really feel an urge to which I'm very happy about but the clarity I'm feeling makes me uncomfortably aware of how abusive my husband is towards me.

For example, I upset him today when I told him he got me the wrong kind of coffee when he went to the store (for himself, asked if I wanted anything) so then he told me that I should have gotten it myself and that I didnt because I'm "a lazy alcoholic." (Btw he called out of work today because he "did not feel like going.")

We had a long talk the other day about him please supporting and encouraging me through this... though he may not have been listening well since he was playing Pokemon Go! at the time. (Ok, the way I said that was a little condescending but also true.)

Of course he's my only friend and I'm very frustrated and venting here for that reason.

I know this sounds victim-ish, and trust me I understand my drinking is a big problem that I cause on my own. I would NEVER blame my drinking on anyone but myself. But I am realizing more and more he may also be a problem.

Hoping to regain confidence in myself to fix many things that are currently not satisfactory in my life. That's my number one goal and why not drinking is top priority. I will never have confidence as an alcoholic. (Well, you know what I mean.)

uncorked

Needs, I was married to a verbally abusive control freak and part of the reason I drank was to numb my feelings. It was easier (I thought) that way. If I allowed myself to truly feel the pain of his actions and words I don't know if I could've handled it. And it was easy for him to blame everything on me because I was "the alcoholic." The scapegoat. So, I understand where you're coming from.

The longer you remain sober, the more confident you'll become. And more confidence leads to more self-respect. Which also leads to you not accepting that kind of treatment anymore. You don't stand up for yourself now because you feel guilty about your drinking. I lived that life.

I wound up going to rehab for a host of reasons I won't bore you with. That time away was priceless. I could concentrate on myself and deal with my emotions without alcohol. I've been sober almost 9 months. Not sure if rehab is a possibility for you, or at least some sort of outpatient rehab where you get a lot of support. If you don't want to do that, there are lots of recovery programs available online or, depending on where you live, in your area.

jryan19982

Its hard for people who dont have this problem to understand it. But having no support or the way he said it probably wasnt necessary. That being said he might have heard it all before and may be hurting from the last time things didnt go right. Maybe show him by doing what you say you will. Actions speak louder than words maybe he just needs to see it for himself.

getright15

I used to think the same thing about AA. I felt like it wasn't for me. To much religion, to much God etc. It's actually the opposite. I'm about to be 67 days sober. I never thought AA would work for me. It's been the best choice I've made concerning my drinking. I know there are other ways of getting and staying sober, but I'm just saying AA has been around a very long time and has been a very successful program. Give it a shot. I've grown to really appreciate the things other people have gone through in order to have a message to share for others especially us in early sobriety.

Mountainmanbob

Make a promise that you will not drink again to yourself and then follow through with it and in time others will believe in you as you believe in yourself.

The proof will be in the pudding...

MM

Soberwolf

Welcome to SR

OpenTuning

Hi Needsupport, and welcome to the forums,

Couples fall into all kinds of different patterns of behaviour for all kinds of different reasons. Is your husband behaving the way he is because of your drinking, are you drinking because of the way he is, are they completely unrelated. You could tie yourself in knots trying to figure that out.

Right now, though, one thing is clear. Your drinking is causing you pain and damage. And while it would be fantastic to get a huge amount of love and support from your husband to help you stop, that's outside your control. What you do have control over, is whether you pick up another drink. That's what you need to put all your focus and attention on. The rest will start to become clearer the longer you stay sober, and if other things need changing, you can look at them when you're in a stronger, better place yourself.

There are many, many different methods for quitting drinking, and you'll find all of them discussed in different parts of these forums, so have a good old look around. AA has worked for many, many people, but if it isn't the right fit for you there are other options. I didn't go the AA route. I used a combination of support from these forums, AVRT (a lot of discussions on that in the Secular Recovery section) and the book by Allen Carr "How to Control Your Drinking". My last drink was about 13 months ago now.

Whatever approach you take, the key is to come up with a plan. Relying on good intentions and will power alone works for some people, but many, if not most of us, needed more than that.

Good luck on your journey to sobriety, and do keep posting as often as you want/need to. That's what these forums are for. My only regret about my decision to quit was that I didn't make it many, many years ago. My life is so much better now. Yours will be too, I'm sure