JustADaughter

Hi All!

I'm new here but have been wanting to reach out to someone for years. Quick backstory, I'm 36 and have had health issues since I was 12 (kidneys). My mom was by my side the whole time, in 95 I received a transplant and she stayed with me for 2 weeks in the hospital without having a beer. ---- I say this part because this is what she always goes back to "You know I can go a day without having beer, I've done it before" (in my head I'm thinking, yeah, 20 years ago) .

I digress, she is my best friend, and because of my disability we do have a special bond because normally she is there for me. We live in a mother/ daughter house now - which is good because I can walk away and close the door when its too much.

So the problem? She drinks beer, every. single. night. It used to be only a few beers a night, but it has progressed to the point she is buying a 36 pack 3 times a week. She has an amazing job, and because its just beer of course she doesn't think there's a problem. She's usually home by 4:30pm and just starts chugging almost immediately so come 6/7pm - its lalaland.

She is not an outraged drunk, she just sits there watching TV - but she remembers nothing the next day. I'll have serious convos with her, she'll even go on facebook at night after a few beers and type nasty comments to friends or make statuses that are speaking mumbo jumbo, the next day she doesn't remember anything and claims her facebook was hacked.

She's always had an issue drinking. She would hide the beers behind the couch, thinking nobody would see them. But its gotten so much worse the past few years. Her sister is known as "theeee drunk" of the family so I think my mom says "Because I'm not as bad as her.." -- she doesn't have a problem. But her sister just doesn't care and will go out in public and events and act like a monster, where my mom just does it at home. Which to me I think is almost worse.

She had an older lady friend for over 30 years who would come over almost daily to have a few beers with my mom. But this friend, did it right -- she would make one beer last an hour. My mom within that hour will have 4 or more beers. Recently, I complained to the friend how out of hand its getting and she agreed with me --- but then when my mom comes around us and I say 'really, mom? another??' of course her friend turns on me instead of supporting me and tells me to mind my own business. :

My mom just as of recently, is no longer friends with this woman. I deep down think its because her friend has had enough of being berated and yelled at by my mom when she's here and they've had a few beers but of course her friend won't speak up and say THATS the reason.

My brother is very laid back and just says "oh well, there's nothing we can do." My dad, who lives alone in the next town will down talk my mom and call her a drunk ---- but at the same time, will secretly down 6 shots of brandy and then act a fool when I take him in public.

Wow, this is long, I'm sorry. The thing is, I'm in a super fragile state of mind right now because I need support due to my health. I most likely will have to go back on dialysis before the end of the year. My docs always ask me "You have a support system at home right?" and Ive always lied and covered up. Truth is, I have one -- until it hits 6pm and she's on her way to drunkville. I'm not sure if I'm going crazy, but for the past two months, I've been becoming physically ill when smelling her beer, or even being around her after 4 or more beers. I want to be around her though, I love her with all of my heart - but sometimes I think she loves the beer more than me.

I want to use yesterday as a quick example of how bad it has gotten. She's not good with computers so when she got home I was in her house helping do something online. Of course, per normal - she immediately goes to the fridge when coming home for a beer. There are no other drinks in her fridge besides beer and water, but she only drinks water on her days off and then at 2pm it switches to beer. 15 minutes later she comes to sit down next to me and opens another beer. I didn't want to say anything. I should only be worrying about myself and need as less stress as I can take but of course my big mouth said something.

Me: "Another one??? Didn't you just open a beer?"
Mom: "No, this is my first one"
Me: "What are you talking about? You literally just walked to the bathroom with a beer when you got home 15 minutes ago"
Mom: now yelling: "SO WHAT!? I'm thirsty!!! I worked all day, what did YOU do?"

At that point, I stayed silent, took a few breaths in and out and just went on to help her. Usually she'd just shut off at that point, but maybe because she only had 2 beers in her she wasn't as worked up yet. All I now can think in my head is how much of an alcoholic she is, its not right, I'm upset.. --- but like, why do I have a right to be upset? She DID work all day... Anyway, 5 minutes later my big mouth had to say something again --

Me: "Before we do this you sure you don't want to down one more?"
Mom: "Yeah, that actually sounds like a good idea -- maybe I will do that. I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY!!! I CAN DO WHAT I WANT"

Then just like Jekyl and Hyde, she lowered her voice and asked me another question but by this point I mentally checked out. She got up to go to the kitchen which, yep ,that means another beer. THREE BEERS IN LESS THAN THIRTY MINUTES.

At that point I got up and just went to my house and cried for an hour. But I was unsure why I was crying. I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed, I'm petrified. The past two weeks have been really hard for me because I haven't been feeling well at allllll -- so many times I wanted to go to the ER but my mom was too drunk to take me seriously. Of course, I could have called 911, but what instead those nights I'd just go to sleep early to avoid the world.

2 years ago, my gallbladder wound burst open. I was in my bathroom bleeding everywhere. I called for my mom 10 times to come here. She opens the door and stares at me with her blank drunk face. I said "Call 911, I can't stop the bleeding" -- again she just started at me. I was like CALL 911 PLEASE!" Then in the typical drunk voice they do on TV: "But.. for what? iduntHavetoCall.. i can fix it for you" It took me 10 minutes of persuading her to get her to call 911. Thank god I had my hand on the wound stopping the blood, it looked like a horror film.

I over heard the people in the ambulance say "Her mom was a bit intoxicated, should I write that on the notes?" :/ In that frame of mind tho my mom drove behind the ambulance to the hospital -- she never drives when she drinks, which is a problem when I'm not feeling well and we're invited to a party or a family event. If I don't drive somewhere after 5pm - we don't go because no matter what it is we're going to do my mom wants to be free to drink as much as she wants and not worry about driving. What about me? What if i want to enjoy a few?

Anyway --- I'm sorry. Only a few friends know the depth of it and a few family members. My mom and I actually have plans tomorrow (early, so hopefully no beer will be invovled) and to be honest, I don't want to be around her. But I doooo because I love her so much. Even when she gets nasty with me and I walk away, I always end up feeling guilty. I know its a disease she has -- but she won't admit she has a problem. I think she knows now that I know she's getting a beer everytime she gets up and goes to her kitchen -- so she started grabbing two at a time. Every night, from 4pm til she knocks out around 10 - then she's up and out of the house for work at 6:30am -- every. day.

I've been thinking about going to an al-anon meeting, but I also want to tell her that. I want her to change, i know i don't have that power to make her change, but I want her to. She recently stopped smoking and thanked me for pressuring her about that, but that's because all over the news too they tell about the dangers of smoking. She turns a cheek when they talk about alcholics because "it's only beer".

Anyway, if you made it this far I give you a medal and the utmost respect. Thanks for listening, even if I don't get replies, it did feel good to just vent.

Behappy1

I am so very sorry that you're going through this. Have you thought of or can you move somewhere else and go no contact for a while? It sounds like in your situation you can't leave. But if you could go somewhere for just a while with NO contact - I wonder if that would shake her up enough to do something. Has she went to any meetings (AA, SMART, Celebrate Recovery?), would she do an IOP or rehab?

JustADaughter

Thank you so so much for replying. Funny to say, we've actually gone months before without talking even with me living next door. Because I have my own yard, exit etc its easy for us to avoid each other. She tends to hold grudges over silly things - but I always end up feeling guilty and breaking the ice.

She has never gone to any kind of meeting in her life, she really swears she doesn't have a problem because its "just beer". She's 55, by the way and stubborn as a mule. About 10 years ago I went to a therapist and had asked my mom to come in for one session with me. She stayed silent the whole entire time and denied everything - then didn't talk to me for 2 weeks.

Behappy1

So you physically and financially NEED her am I correct in reading that??

AnvilheadII

perhaps so you are less dependent on your mom for an emergency, you could get one of those Life Alert thingies?

i know it's hard but it would really be best to STOP talking about her drinking. stop counting. stop nagging. it isn't helping and only makes her more defiant. of course you'd like her to get sober, but she doesn't HAVE to.......she's an adult and can do what she wants. even when it isn't good for her.

are there ways you can become more independent of her? other resources you can rely upon? drunks aren't very reliable.