LovelyKaya33333

I woke up wanting to tell him everything I am feeling...wanting to tell him that this push and pull has made me feel crazy... that I don't even feel like I ever knew him. That I miss who he used to be. I am so jealous thinking about a new girl that he could potentially be wooing... It is seriously crazy for me to think all these things I know. I can't seem to get these images out of my head though. I miss waking up next to him. One minute I feel so angry and hurt and the next minute I want it all to be a bad dream. I have to take over the counter sleeping pills to go to bed last night (well most nights since the breakup). I woke up missing him next to me this morning.... Why do I still feel like deep down he is a good guy even after everything he has put me through. It is so hard to think that the relationship we had wasn't real... When I saw him on 4th of July ( which was a bad relapse I know ) he said with tears in his eyes that it was all real... I doubt it. Those words he said to me that were so intense didn't carry any weight otherwise the outcome would've been different. I have to remind myself this morning "Don't argue with an active alcoholic"......

Bird615

I've been in your position before after leaving my ABF who was so sweet and charming when sober and a mean-mouthed cruel person when drinking. I believe he really was a good guy underneath, but the addiction had its claws in him and I had to accept that I could not compete with it. For a while I kept up the talking to him, just the one-more-time kind of thing, hoping I could say just the right thing to make him come to his senses.

That thinking is no different from my thoughts when I finally left him for good and no different than my thoughts when I first stopped drinking. It's just the craving/the addiction telling you that if we can just get it right this time we can go back to when it was all good. That maybe we were over-reacting, maybe it wasn't that bad. I went through the awful thoughts of him with someone else or being happy and carrying on without me. I had to get to a place where I hurt enough that that didn't matter anymore.

In both situations, what I did was ride out the pain of missing him/missing the alcohol. It's going to hurt if you stay and it's going to hurt leaving or giving it up. The difference is, the second hurt is going to bring you to a better place. For me, it was so worth it to ride out that pain of withdrawal in both cases. Trying to communicate anymore is like me trying to have "just one more" drink. It will only drag out the pain of staying addicted.

It's okay to have those feelings. Feel them and let them go. We don't have to act on them.

Life can be good again. Please hang on to that.

timetohealguy

Hi Kaya,

Three days ago I had a dream while I was asleep in which I said everything like that to my ex.

It was really upsetting and I woke up feeling very anxious too.

"Like a bad dream" is exactly what it feels like sometimes.

timetohealguy

That is a healthy way of looking at things madbird - thanks.

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you for this... Totally makes sense. I think I don't even care anymore though... I feel like the pain is getting to be too much. I am exhausted and sick of crying everyday... I feel depressed one minute and like I will have resolve the next minute... I literally woke up crying. I can't take much more of my emotions being all over the place

Kata

Hi Kaya,

I've you tried writting down how you feel? I know it's something that has helped me in the past. Be it when I broke up with my XABF, or whenever I was going through a hard time. Putting my thoughts and feelings to paper helps me get it out of my head. When I do it regularly, it also helps me see the progress I'm making. Most of the time, we don't realize the progress we're making, or thw evolution of our feelings. Sometimes, the progress is very slow. But writting it all down enables us to look back to how we felt 2 weeks a go and see the progress, however tiny it may be.

Also, you could always write to him if you feel you still have things to say to him. Just DON'T ever send it to him. Write him a "letter" every day if you have to. It'll help you get things off your chest, and you won't be breaking no contact. Writting letters to him that you know you'll never send will enable you not to censor yourself. If you feel like you just want to yell at him and insult him, you can. You don't have to be nice, you don't have to be polite, and most of all, you don't have to think about how he would take it. You do it for you and you do it in a way that makes you feel better and helps you move on.

Hugs
Kata

honeypig

You might feel that way, but it's not the truth. You will be strong enough to handle whatever you need to. And honestly, what other option do you have? You already know that getting back together/staying with him is going to be just more pain, lies, etc. Your choices are stay or go. As another poster said, both are sources of pain but one will go on and on and do nothing but beat you down, while the other will eventually end and will have taught you a lot by that time--including that you are stronger than you ever dreamed.

Try to find something else to focus on besides your X. Surely there is some way you can be of service--some kind of volunteer work is always helpful for me.

However much it may feel like it, he was not and is not your whole life and world. He is simply another human being, one who is not able to be what you want him to be or what you dreamed he'd be or what you wish he was.

YOU get to say what your world is made up of--pick beautiful things that bring you joy.

dandylion

I believe that the 30 meetings in 30 days, which you proposed, is an excellent idea for you.....
Why not hit up a meeting?

dandylion

Elyse16

I woke up today feeling depressed and sad too. Then I realized I was missing the man I used to know. Before the alcohol. And I haven't seen him in quite a while. The rare glimpses weren't enough to be a real relationship. As the day goes on, I see that today may be sad but I get to focus on not having an argument. No being stressed. Not having to defend myself. Not having to deal with jekyl and Hyde. If your X is like mine, he's likely feeling the pain too but instead of dealing, he's numbing it with booze and other things. At one point, we won't hurt anymore, and that's what I try to focus on. Hugs.

Bekindalways

Hey LK, good for you for coming here and posting as much as you do.

Don't think of never seeing him. Just think of today or just this hour or just this 15 minutes. One step at a time.

Butterfly

Lovelykaya I remember these feelings like they were yesterday you feel that you are wondering around and everything is a blur, and you don't know what your doing, that the pain, hurt, all the emotions will take over and you will never feel happy again, never stop crying and never get over what has happened. I can promise you this, you will feel happy again, the crying and roller coaster of emotions will ease and one day you will be walking somewhere and you realise you didn't just walk down the street and feel as though it was a blur, that you've gone an hour, a day, a week, a month and so on without crying until you've stopped crying completely. What you are going through is normal you are grieving for your relationship, for some you love, who isn't the same person anymore or the person you need them to be. This process takes time, please be gentle with yourself and take each moment as they come.

When I first joined this site I was told that the pain I was feeling wouldn't last forever and one day I'd be in a better place, I didn't believe it as I thought my whole world had ended but you know what, my world didn't end and the hurt and pain has slowly and gradually eased. I don't think it will ever go away completely but hey I don't spend all day crying and missing him, cursing addiction, blaming myself and everything else but him. I've moved forward with my own recovery as will you. There's a saying here you have to go through it to get through it.

((((Hugs))))

maia1234

Kaya,

Dont feel that he didn't love you. I bet he loved you a ton. The problem is that he loved something more then you, and the bottle always wins. You were asking him to choose as he couldn't have both of you, he chose her.

Everyone on this forum is in the same boat, you are not alone out in the ocean!! Some of us here are still lost at sea, some of us can see land, and some of us have arrived on land. Take your time and grieve, you are entitled!!

Sending strength to you, to get through today!!!

Wells

Kaya,

Hope you are doing okay today. I can add that from the male point of view it is no different. So your feelings are normal.

I wake up and miss her, I don't sleep well, and I wonder if things will ever be ok again. I know they will be but I hate the waiting. It is all part of our personality type and our own addictions that we have all the thoughts and worries about them still. We did it for years, why would that be able to suddenly get turned off?

What I have found at least helps me to put things into perspective is to bring myself back to the hurt when she was here. To remind me of why we had to split. The nights where she disappeared until 5 am. The arguments, listening to her get sick in the morning after a night out. The stress of wondering when she would stop drinking or if she'd go on a bender. That worry when your key hits the door after you have been away, of which person you will find on the other side.

I have to remember, I love her, still do, I miss her, still do, but all those reasons above and more, I needed that chaos out of my life for me.

NYCDoglvr

Feelings aren't facts: just because you want to do something doesn't mean you should. Alanon taught me this and saved me from making a ton of mistakes that would have prolonged my suffering. I recommend it.

LovelyKaya33333

This resonated with me so much. Thank you. It means a lot I am going t o read it often Hugs back

LovelyKaya33333

You guys are seriously amazing Thank you