Crazy Thinking!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Sober Living House in Florida
Posts: 7
Crazy Thinking!!!
Hello everyone....
Still new to Recovery ... I will have 30 days sober tomorrow ... this is the longest I have gone without drinking without being in jail or treatment somewhere .... I had gotten myself a sponser & ahve been going to meetings everyday .. I still go to meetings everyday ... but I quit talking to my sponsor.... I quit reading my materials ... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!! Well, I quit talking to my sponsor because, I had called her a few times, gotten her vocie mail (this happened 3 times within 3 days) and she never called me back or anything ... so I just decided I wasn't going to call her anymore ... and I have really been needing to talk to someone. I have been getting crazy urges, having these wild using drams & everything ... these fricking thoughts of goiong out & getting high are driving me crazy!!@! But I have not acted upon them ... YET!!!! I don't want to go back out there ... BEEN THERE>>>>DONE THAT ... things NEVER get any better. It seems I have had these really bad headaches too since I haven't been drinking .... could it be because I'm not srinking ... could it be because I'm under a ton of stress right now ... with going to court for my 7th DUI & trying to find an inpatient treatment program that will accept me .... I need to find a treament center within the next 4 weeks that will accept me .... the courts are going to let me get the treatment I need & want, but I will have to stay in treatment for at least 12-18 months ... I am having a hard time finding one!!! And while I've been looking for one ... what pops into my head AGAIN, the thought, maybe I can go back out & drink after I get out of treatment!!! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!!!!! All I want to do is cry... it almost seems like I'm fighting this losing battle within myself. When I go to meetings, I get so tongue tied, that I acn't even get anything out to express what is going on inside me ... like I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing or people will look down on me or think I'm hopeless ... Am I nuts? Well, I know I'm nuts when I drug & drink ... but I'm sober!! I don't want to go back out ... there may not be no coming back if I do..... any suggestions?
Kelli
Still new to Recovery ... I will have 30 days sober tomorrow ... this is the longest I have gone without drinking without being in jail or treatment somewhere .... I had gotten myself a sponser & ahve been going to meetings everyday .. I still go to meetings everyday ... but I quit talking to my sponsor.... I quit reading my materials ... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!! Well, I quit talking to my sponsor because, I had called her a few times, gotten her vocie mail (this happened 3 times within 3 days) and she never called me back or anything ... so I just decided I wasn't going to call her anymore ... and I have really been needing to talk to someone. I have been getting crazy urges, having these wild using drams & everything ... these fricking thoughts of goiong out & getting high are driving me crazy!!@! But I have not acted upon them ... YET!!!! I don't want to go back out there ... BEEN THERE>>>>DONE THAT ... things NEVER get any better. It seems I have had these really bad headaches too since I haven't been drinking .... could it be because I'm not srinking ... could it be because I'm under a ton of stress right now ... with going to court for my 7th DUI & trying to find an inpatient treatment program that will accept me .... I need to find a treament center within the next 4 weeks that will accept me .... the courts are going to let me get the treatment I need & want, but I will have to stay in treatment for at least 12-18 months ... I am having a hard time finding one!!! And while I've been looking for one ... what pops into my head AGAIN, the thought, maybe I can go back out & drink after I get out of treatment!!! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!!!!! All I want to do is cry... it almost seems like I'm fighting this losing battle within myself. When I go to meetings, I get so tongue tied, that I acn't even get anything out to express what is going on inside me ... like I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing or people will look down on me or think I'm hopeless ... Am I nuts? Well, I know I'm nuts when I drug & drink ... but I'm sober!! I don't want to go back out ... there may not be no coming back if I do..... any suggestions?
Kelli
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: east coast
Posts: 2,440
Kelli,
First of all, congratulations on 29 days.
Next, ever heard the slogan, easy does it?
It sounds like you are worrying about alot. Try living in the moment when things get crazy. Pray. Your Higher Power will open doors for you, if you are willing to do it his way. Keep going to meetings. If you feel tongue tied, just listen. Early recovery can get very stressful. When things seem to be too much, just take a minute to relax. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. I'll say a prayer for you.
Sherry
First of all, congratulations on 29 days.
Next, ever heard the slogan, easy does it?
It sounds like you are worrying about alot. Try living in the moment when things get crazy. Pray. Your Higher Power will open doors for you, if you are willing to do it his way. Keep going to meetings. If you feel tongue tied, just listen. Early recovery can get very stressful. When things seem to be too much, just take a minute to relax. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. I'll say a prayer for you.
Sherry
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Appleton, Wi
Posts: 4
Hi Kelli,
I remember being in your shoes very well. I had 4 DUI"S, I was waiting to see what the judge was going to throw at me for a senteance. I knew I was looking at a lengthy Jail term, a huge fine.....license gone, and all my friends, relatives, and co-workers reading about it in the paper, but it was the not knowing exactly what was going to happen that was tearing me apart.
The only way I could find any comfort was by thinking this was my BOTTOM, and couldn't get any lower....I could only go up. I started trying to look at the positives, I truly tried to imagine my frame of mind if I had woken up in jail, cause I hurt or even possibly killed someone. So, I tried to make the lowest point in my life to date an epiphany, to ensure my future would be brighter. I know very well, this is easier said than done, but it was what gave me a flicker of hope to look through and confront the major dilemma surrounding me.
I also decided to let treatment try and help me, and embrace it, rather than be combative and get nothing out of it. It put a bug in my head, and gave me an understanding of the disease that I never realized before, and honestly believe that the knowledge I got out my treatment is why I am still alive today!
I wish you the best on your journey, and wish you sincere happiness in the future.
Warm regards,
LArry
I remember being in your shoes very well. I had 4 DUI"S, I was waiting to see what the judge was going to throw at me for a senteance. I knew I was looking at a lengthy Jail term, a huge fine.....license gone, and all my friends, relatives, and co-workers reading about it in the paper, but it was the not knowing exactly what was going to happen that was tearing me apart.
The only way I could find any comfort was by thinking this was my BOTTOM, and couldn't get any lower....I could only go up. I started trying to look at the positives, I truly tried to imagine my frame of mind if I had woken up in jail, cause I hurt or even possibly killed someone. So, I tried to make the lowest point in my life to date an epiphany, to ensure my future would be brighter. I know very well, this is easier said than done, but it was what gave me a flicker of hope to look through and confront the major dilemma surrounding me.
I also decided to let treatment try and help me, and embrace it, rather than be combative and get nothing out of it. It put a bug in my head, and gave me an understanding of the disease that I never realized before, and honestly believe that the knowledge I got out my treatment is why I am still alive today!
I wish you the best on your journey, and wish you sincere happiness in the future.
Warm regards,
LArry
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 689
Keli, Its OK to be scared. Its OK to cry. But you are not hopeless. Your Higher Power will come through for you, if you trust and allow it. Use this opportunity to work on those fears. I would suggest to find another sponsor. At least find a temperory one. Keep searching and asking around at meetings. Don't give up no matter what.
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Kelli--Hang in there, honey! It gets better. "Easy does it" sounds like very good advice. "One day at a time" is another good one. Everything you are feeling and experiencing is completely normal. I, too, would suggest getting another sponsor ASAP and finding some people in AA who you can call and talk to. Also, keep posting here. When we get these unmanageable feelings, talking them out gives them less power. Your disease is trying to get you to give up, think its okay to drink, etc. Hang in there!
Hugs--
Hugs--
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Houston Tx
Posts: 5
KelliGirl,
I know how you feel. What's "wrong with you" is the same thing that's "wrong with me" and all of the millions of others that suffer with this disease; What's wrong with us is we are addicts. The truly baffling thing about this disease is it's always laying in wait to attack. After we get some sober time, it begins to tell us that there's nothing wrong after all and reason and logic alone cannot defeat it.
I have had many relapases, and in fact a few minutes ago, I just made it 24 hours. I know that's not much, but there have been other times when I've had many 24 hours behind me. There have been 24 hour periods where I have felt the minutes pass by like hours that passed by like days...well you get the picture.
When your addict voice starts calling you (I named mine Fienda) and telling you that you'll be able to use again etc. don't get into a debate with it. Don't think about what you may do tomorrow, net week, month or a year from now. Stay focused on what you want to do right now. Stay focused on the consequences that you KNOW using will bring. Right now it sounds like the consequences could be quite serious. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know or else uou wouldn't have posted this.
One minute at a time Kelli. We can do it together. I want my life back. I've lost so much, but one thing i have realized is that it will only get worse. We can get off the elavator on any floor. Two years ago mine crashed. Now I'm getting off many stories higher than that crash. For that I am grateful. It could have easily gone the other way. If I can stay on this path, I know that one day I'll be most grateful for this-- to depths I cannot even imagine now.
Earlier today, I made my first post asking people for prayers. I think it worked. So I'll say a prayer for you and pray it effects you the same way.
I know how you feel. What's "wrong with you" is the same thing that's "wrong with me" and all of the millions of others that suffer with this disease; What's wrong with us is we are addicts. The truly baffling thing about this disease is it's always laying in wait to attack. After we get some sober time, it begins to tell us that there's nothing wrong after all and reason and logic alone cannot defeat it.
I have had many relapases, and in fact a few minutes ago, I just made it 24 hours. I know that's not much, but there have been other times when I've had many 24 hours behind me. There have been 24 hour periods where I have felt the minutes pass by like hours that passed by like days...well you get the picture.
When your addict voice starts calling you (I named mine Fienda) and telling you that you'll be able to use again etc. don't get into a debate with it. Don't think about what you may do tomorrow, net week, month or a year from now. Stay focused on what you want to do right now. Stay focused on the consequences that you KNOW using will bring. Right now it sounds like the consequences could be quite serious. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know or else uou wouldn't have posted this.
One minute at a time Kelli. We can do it together. I want my life back. I've lost so much, but one thing i have realized is that it will only get worse. We can get off the elavator on any floor. Two years ago mine crashed. Now I'm getting off many stories higher than that crash. For that I am grateful. It could have easily gone the other way. If I can stay on this path, I know that one day I'll be most grateful for this-- to depths I cannot even imagine now.
Earlier today, I made my first post asking people for prayers. I think it worked. So I'll say a prayer for you and pray it effects you the same way.
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