Afraid to do what we truly love
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Afraid to do what we truly love
I didn't know where to post this so I decided to do it here because I know Dee is a musician (the ska video you posted changed my life!).
At one year sober I can see that I drank for lots of reasons. One of those reasons was I envied people who did what they wanted to do. I always wanted to do one thing: music.
I played and sang at work a few weeks ago. A coworker said, "why are you in school?" He said I should play music. People are often very strange toward me after I play music. I play guitar, piano, drums, bass. I sing. My voice has improved in sobriety.
Ok to keep this short I have played music since I was 11. My dad played. I taught myself mostly. I can play by ear and read music.
The thing is I vividly recall getting the most drunk when I would be out somewhere watching musicians. Maybe I just haven't slept.
Ok so I drank a lot. For years. One reason involved my own cowardice.
I write songs. I want to play music and be an artist. My brother told me I would be a bum last summer when I told him I did not want to keep making myself miserable.
Ok sorry
Does anyone have advice or experience related to obtaining sobriety and renewing your passions? Or following your dreams despite the odds?
I guess being sober requires me to be honest with myself. And I am not a mainstream type person. I'm creative, weird and artistic. I think it is more difficult to be this way when you are a man
I just recall drinking so much because I thought I had to be who my mother wanted me to be or whoever else.
Did overcoming your alcoholism help you develop the courage to pursue your dreams?
Also I am 30. No wife. No kids. I feel too old to pursue my dream but I listened to that same voice of fear the whole time I drank.
And I am a good musician. I'm no slouch. I can be even better now that I am sober and I really want to dedicate my life to something.
Sorry for the self-indulgent post.
Please share how sobriety made you strong enough to do what feeds you.
At one year sober I can see that I drank for lots of reasons. One of those reasons was I envied people who did what they wanted to do. I always wanted to do one thing: music.
I played and sang at work a few weeks ago. A coworker said, "why are you in school?" He said I should play music. People are often very strange toward me after I play music. I play guitar, piano, drums, bass. I sing. My voice has improved in sobriety.
Ok to keep this short I have played music since I was 11. My dad played. I taught myself mostly. I can play by ear and read music.
The thing is I vividly recall getting the most drunk when I would be out somewhere watching musicians. Maybe I just haven't slept.
Ok so I drank a lot. For years. One reason involved my own cowardice.
I write songs. I want to play music and be an artist. My brother told me I would be a bum last summer when I told him I did not want to keep making myself miserable.
Ok sorry
Does anyone have advice or experience related to obtaining sobriety and renewing your passions? Or following your dreams despite the odds?
I guess being sober requires me to be honest with myself. And I am not a mainstream type person. I'm creative, weird and artistic. I think it is more difficult to be this way when you are a man
I just recall drinking so much because I thought I had to be who my mother wanted me to be or whoever else.
Did overcoming your alcoholism help you develop the courage to pursue your dreams?
Also I am 30. No wife. No kids. I feel too old to pursue my dream but I listened to that same voice of fear the whole time I drank.
And I am a good musician. I'm no slouch. I can be even better now that I am sober and I really want to dedicate my life to something.
Sorry for the self-indulgent post.
Please share how sobriety made you strong enough to do what feeds you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
I'm a big believer in following dreams.
A friend of mine used to say you play music because you need to - you'd do it for free...and I do
If music is your dream then follow it Ach - and might I add you can get just as much enjoyment playing part time if you want to have a secure financial base from your ' work' job behind you too
D
A friend of mine used to say you play music because you need to - you'd do it for free...and I do
If music is your dream then follow it Ach - and might I add you can get just as much enjoyment playing part time if you want to have a secure financial base from your ' work' job behind you too
D
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Acheleus,
I am 20 years older than you and I just made a career pivot in order to pursue my passion - helping people with their finances. I just posted about it here, so I won't bore people with a reprint, but I got to do something that I love yesterday and I am on cloud 9.
We only live once friend. Do it like you mean it.
I am 20 years older than you and I just made a career pivot in order to pursue my passion - helping people with their finances. I just posted about it here, so I won't bore people with a reprint, but I got to do something that I love yesterday and I am on cloud 9.
We only live once friend. Do it like you mean it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
It's absolutely never too late to follow your dreams. I took up the guitar a few years ago, in my late 40s, teaching myself, and took up the bass a few months ago when my first stab at a band fell apart, and I'm now in a new band and having a blast. Our first gig in a couple of weeks. So much easier learning a new instrument sober, that's for sure. And singing backing vocals and literally finding a new voice I didn't know I had in me (still don't completely, this gig could be very interesting ).
I completely agree with Dee that music, writing songs, playing, forming a band, can still be hugely rewarding done alongside whatever you'd normally do for a living. Doesn't need to be all or nothing at first. That can help take the pressure off as earning a full time living from music isn't easy by all accounts.
But getting your music out there these days is getting easier and easier, and if it connects with enough people you never know. It's also just a fantastically more rewarding way to spend time than sitting in a pub drinking. Win, win all round.
).I completely agree with Dee that music, writing songs, playing, forming a band, can still be hugely rewarding done alongside whatever you'd normally do for a living. Doesn't need to be all or nothing at first. That can help take the pressure off as earning a full time living from music isn't easy by all accounts.
But getting your music out there these days is getting easier and easier, and if it connects with enough people you never know. It's also just a fantastically more rewarding way to spend time than sitting in a pub drinking. Win, win all round.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I am a writer. I have had a couple of blogs and written lifestyle pieces for a local newspaper, and a few online sites, for which I got paid tiny amounts. It is awesome to see my name in print. It was tiny pocket change, what I made, but I love it- if I could write for a living, it would be the best thing ever besides being sober.
I have had so much to "do" in my recovery work, and in my actual job to keep and make anything, that I haven't yet focused on how I might do that. Even if it is just for free, I will write again. Not sure how I would possibly make a living- my ideal would be to have my own magazine column- but it's in the back of my head.
Pursuing our passions is amazing- first we have them, then we act on them. But tough - maybe doing it for free is all we do, and we still get our outlet and who knows who is affected.
I say stay with it.
I have had so much to "do" in my recovery work, and in my actual job to keep and make anything, that I haven't yet focused on how I might do that. Even if it is just for free, I will write again. Not sure how I would possibly make a living- my ideal would be to have my own magazine column- but it's in the back of my head.
Pursuing our passions is amazing- first we have them, then we act on them. But tough - maybe doing it for free is all we do, and we still get our outlet and who knows who is affected.
I say stay with it.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 1,742
Hi Acheleus. Thanks for you post.
I am beginning this life work, too. I am much older than you.
Sobriety is teaching me I cannot undo, nor think my way out of, who I am.
Tactics from my drinking years kept me in a ping-pong game of telling myself "I'll do what I hate, now, in order to get to do what I love, later." But "later" never came. Something always thwarted me from pursuing my talents. Namely, life!
We only have one life. Other people have theirs. People being people, they'll tell you, based on their own life experience, what to do with yours. Very dangerous. Unless it nurtures your creative path, be wary of others' well-meaning advice. And don't engage put-downs of any sort! Just remember, hurting people (especially hurting creatives) may unintentionally hurt others.
What I can tell myself in sobriety is, follow the middle path.
I have a dream of being in a creative income-producing situation on one hand, I have a nightmare of that soul-sucking job until I die, on the other.
The middle path is about taking baby-steps toward the dream, while avoiding heading in the direction of nightmares.
Good luck, fellow seeker.
I am beginning this life work, too. I am much older than you.
Sobriety is teaching me I cannot undo, nor think my way out of, who I am.
Tactics from my drinking years kept me in a ping-pong game of telling myself "I'll do what I hate, now, in order to get to do what I love, later." But "later" never came. Something always thwarted me from pursuing my talents. Namely, life!
We only have one life. Other people have theirs. People being people, they'll tell you, based on their own life experience, what to do with yours. Very dangerous. Unless it nurtures your creative path, be wary of others' well-meaning advice. And don't engage put-downs of any sort! Just remember, hurting people (especially hurting creatives) may unintentionally hurt others.
What I can tell myself in sobriety is, follow the middle path.
I have a dream of being in a creative income-producing situation on one hand, I have a nightmare of that soul-sucking job until I die, on the other.
The middle path is about taking baby-steps toward the dream, while avoiding heading in the direction of nightmares.
Good luck, fellow seeker.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Acheleus 
I didn't know where to post this so I decided to do it here because I know Dee is a musician (the ska video you posted changed my life!).
At one year sober I can see that I drank for lots of reasons. One of those reasons was I envied people who did what they wanted to do. I always wanted to do one thing: music.
I played and sang at work a few weeks ago. A coworker said, "why are you in school?" He said I should play music. People are often very strange toward me after I play music. I play guitar, piano, drums, bass. I sing. My voice has improved in sobriety.
Ok to keep this short I have played music since I was 11. My dad played. I taught myself mostly. I can play by ear and read music.
The thing is I vividly recall getting the most drunk when I would be out somewhere watching musicians. Maybe I just haven't slept.
Ok so I drank a lot. For years. One reason involved my own cowardice.
I write songs. I want to play music and be an artist. My brother told me I would be a bum last summer when I told him I did not want to keep making myself miserable.
Ok sorry
Does anyone have advice or experience related to obtaining sobriety and renewing your passions? Or following your dreams despite the odds?
I guess being sober requires me to be honest with myself. And I am not a mainstream type person. I'm creative, weird and artistic. I think it is more difficult to be this way when you are a man
I just recall drinking so much because I thought I had to be who my mother wanted me to be or whoever else.
Did overcoming your alcoholism help you develop the courage to pursue your dreams?
Also I am 30. No wife. No kids. I feel too old to pursue my dream but I listened to that same voice of fear the whole time I drank.
And I am a good musician. I'm no slouch. I can be even better now that I am sober and I really want to dedicate my life to something.
Sorry for the self-indulgent post.
Please share how sobriety made you strong enough to do what feeds you.
At one year sober I can see that I drank for lots of reasons. One of those reasons was I envied people who did what they wanted to do. I always wanted to do one thing: music.
I played and sang at work a few weeks ago. A coworker said, "why are you in school?" He said I should play music. People are often very strange toward me after I play music. I play guitar, piano, drums, bass. I sing. My voice has improved in sobriety.
Ok to keep this short I have played music since I was 11. My dad played. I taught myself mostly. I can play by ear and read music.
The thing is I vividly recall getting the most drunk when I would be out somewhere watching musicians. Maybe I just haven't slept.
Ok so I drank a lot. For years. One reason involved my own cowardice.
I write songs. I want to play music and be an artist. My brother told me I would be a bum last summer when I told him I did not want to keep making myself miserable.
Ok sorry
Does anyone have advice or experience related to obtaining sobriety and renewing your passions? Or following your dreams despite the odds?
I guess being sober requires me to be honest with myself. And I am not a mainstream type person. I'm creative, weird and artistic. I think it is more difficult to be this way when you are a man
I just recall drinking so much because I thought I had to be who my mother wanted me to be or whoever else.
Did overcoming your alcoholism help you develop the courage to pursue your dreams?
Also I am 30. No wife. No kids. I feel too old to pursue my dream but I listened to that same voice of fear the whole time I drank.
And I am a good musician. I'm no slouch. I can be even better now that I am sober and I really want to dedicate my life to something.
Sorry for the self-indulgent post.
Please share how sobriety made you strong enough to do what feeds you.
Oh man. I am right there with you. I'm a quirky guy, different than most, some would say I'm a little weird, so I do my own thing. Unfortunately I'm not that creative (lol), but music is almost a religion for me. I play guitar, but not well, but I spend lots of money/time/passion on music, live DVD's, concerts, etc.
Drinking, for the last 10 years, has been a big part of my music experience. It's Saturday night, I'm going to down some beers, get a great buzz going, and throw a Who concert on in the theater room. Rock out, get drunk, disconnect from life's stresses of work, family, bills, etc. Wooooo yeah! Fun! I feel no responsibilities or stress! I wanna take a road trip! Then wake up Sunday and feel like S H I T, I have responsibilities, I have stress, I can't take a road trip and in fact I'm not going to feel good/normal again for a few days. Saturday comes, repeat.
I never took to music as following my dreams, but I'm responding to you b/c I wonder if alcohol is as much of the music experience for you as it has been for me. When I go to a concert next, will I be bored? Will I just want a beer and be annoyed that I can't? And, most importantly, will the music still sound good? I haven't been to a concert without having at least a couple in over a decade probably. What will it be like?
Guns N Roses' gig in Cincinnati the other night was periscoped live (it was a great, HD stream, great sound!) and I sat and watched it. I had buddies there, and we were texting back & forth as we watched it "together." I really enjoyed that little experience and I was glad that I felt that way even though completely sober. Went to sleep, woke up feeling fine, and went to work without a hangover.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I have known many excellent musicians who played in bands
that had a hard time paying their bills with the monies they were making.
30 something years ago I was fourturnate enough
to play timbales for a great local band.
As good as they were (good thing I kept my day job).
I would recommend
A regular job to pay the bills.
Playing music when ever we can.
(If) playing music someday pays the bills.
A nice job to have.
Mountainmanbob
that had a hard time paying their bills with the monies they were making.
30 something years ago I was fourturnate enough
to play timbales for a great local band.
As good as they were (good thing I kept my day job).
I would recommend
A regular job to pay the bills.
Playing music when ever we can.
(If) playing music someday pays the bills.
A nice job to have.
Mountainmanbob
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Originally Posted by WeekendWarrior
I never took to music as following my dreams, but I'm responding to you b/c I wonder if alcohol is as much of the music experience for you as it has been for me. When I go to a concert next, will I be bored? Will I just want a beer and be annoyed that I can't? And, most importantly, will the music still sound good? I haven't been to a concert without having at least a couple in over a decade probably. What will it be like?
But then I found I stopped thinking about booze, and really started to focus on the music. My feet started tapping, my head nodding, a bit of "dad dancing" starting up. And now I just get lost in the music. Went to see Johnny Marr play and planted myself about 12 feet away from him and stayed there all night because I didn't have to fight my way through the crowd to buy drinks or find the loo. Had a fantastic time.
Habits can be heard to break, but the bottom line is I first got into listening to music long before I had my first drink. It was incredibly powerful for me as a kid growing up (I was obsessed with the Beatles). And it's nice to get back to appreciating it in the same way again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I guess one thing I am thinking about is I had a general frustration, when drinking, with people who seemed to dedicate themselves to achieving their goals. When I was drunk I was bitter, envious, and sad about my own lack of friends, success, happiness, etc.
Does that make sense at all? I just was thinking about how awful I was drunk and I want to make sure that I can focus on achieving goals in my sobriety.
So a bad example is my foray into online dating. I think a lot of it is profiting off people's loneliness, but moral platitudes never stopped capitalism from rolling over whatever it wanted to steamroll.
I don't know. Last night I picked up my one year chip and I hadn't been to a meeting in a long time. My ex said she would buy me my favorite cake and we would celebrate.
Doing the mature, healthy thing is painful.
But yes. Music. I just always felt so scared to be myself. My parents were addicts and they never encouraged me to be myself. They often told me I could not be successful. I remember the night before I was leaving for college my mother called the police on my father after pulling a butcher knife out of her kitchen. She told the police he hit her and she had bruises on her arms. He was arrested.
Then she locked herself in her room and wouldn't say goodbye to me after he was bailed out the next day. I think I made all A's that first semester of college. I was just so glad to get away from that kind of madness. I also drank. A lot. I had already had a dui at 18 and my mother sent me a whole box full of liquor. An entire bar almost.
These are the kinds of thoughts I have in sobriety and I don't know what to do with them. I look back and I remember beating myself up for not being good enough. But whose mother has their father arrested the night before he is supposed to go to college and then locks herself in her room? Jesus.
I just think about it and feel sorry for the poor person that had such idiots for parents. No wonder I didn't just focus on playing music.
So yes I have just been thinking about how I drank to deal with the horrible way my parents lived and then drank because I didn't feel good enough or strong enough to pursue my dreams.
It all seems like a bad dream.
Does that make sense at all? I just was thinking about how awful I was drunk and I want to make sure that I can focus on achieving goals in my sobriety.
So a bad example is my foray into online dating. I think a lot of it is profiting off people's loneliness, but moral platitudes never stopped capitalism from rolling over whatever it wanted to steamroll.
I don't know. Last night I picked up my one year chip and I hadn't been to a meeting in a long time. My ex said she would buy me my favorite cake and we would celebrate.
Doing the mature, healthy thing is painful.
But yes. Music. I just always felt so scared to be myself. My parents were addicts and they never encouraged me to be myself. They often told me I could not be successful. I remember the night before I was leaving for college my mother called the police on my father after pulling a butcher knife out of her kitchen. She told the police he hit her and she had bruises on her arms. He was arrested.
Then she locked herself in her room and wouldn't say goodbye to me after he was bailed out the next day. I think I made all A's that first semester of college. I was just so glad to get away from that kind of madness. I also drank. A lot. I had already had a dui at 18 and my mother sent me a whole box full of liquor. An entire bar almost.
These are the kinds of thoughts I have in sobriety and I don't know what to do with them. I look back and I remember beating myself up for not being good enough. But whose mother has their father arrested the night before he is supposed to go to college and then locks herself in her room? Jesus.
I just think about it and feel sorry for the poor person that had such idiots for parents. No wonder I didn't just focus on playing music.
So yes I have just been thinking about how I drank to deal with the horrible way my parents lived and then drank because I didn't feel good enough or strong enough to pursue my dreams.
It all seems like a bad dream.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Northeast WI
Posts: 163
It is never to late to try.
I'm 36, and my BF is teaching me guitar and bass - I've always wanted to learn, and never took the opportunity really before. Finding the time (for him) is hard, but I do know at least I have a good teacher, he studied jazz in college and has been playing since he was 11.
I'm not sure what area you're in, but where I live, several nights during the week different bars will have open jams. Something like that could be a great opportunity to get your feet wet playing sober and for/with people, possibly?
I'm 36, and my BF is teaching me guitar and bass - I've always wanted to learn, and never took the opportunity really before. Finding the time (for him) is hard, but I do know at least I have a good teacher, he studied jazz in college and has been playing since he was 11.
I'm not sure what area you're in, but where I live, several nights during the week different bars will have open jams. Something like that could be a great opportunity to get your feet wet playing sober and for/with people, possibly?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Lady Clown here.. why did I drink. to be a better clown no never ever have 30 to 100 screaming kids "I What a Balloon now " and be hangover... no no no.. but after to relax and be thought of as a person ... never drank in costume no no no .. a million reasons why not.. One your career would be ruined forever... saw it happen to many times... often drank to just stop forget.. but it never worked well. just put me into crying jags that put me to sleep and my kids and house needed me.. drank late at night by myself most of the time.. that was hard kids little sound asleep husband gone to work and its 1am and you are 25... by myself.. in the late night... I did paint a lot.. some of it turned out well.. sold a bunch of them.. but then I had problems the next day trying to keep up with the kids house cleaning washing cooking and husband... sooooooo well you know the go.. of that ....
I saw some people make some very bad mistakes.. maybe I learned a bunch of life from them and their drinking.. and then when my oldest son became a diabetic in 1979 and he almost died and in 1983 I went thro divorce.. nasty nasty nasty.. house burned that year.. we lost everything. had to find new quarters for 3 kids and a lady without clothes or beds.. took a month to have someone take us in for an upper flat... with a little bit of things..
drink kids why did I drink a lot in private. like most Moms no one around and you could cry yourself to sleep and wake up and go Ok We will keep trying to make ends met wave at each other or have a better day.. and not let the kids know.. well most of the time..
I have worked with and around some great music and writers and film people.. in lots of different ways.. feed them cared for them listened and just secured them from the problems that haunted them... always as my clown in events made sure food and coffee were in reaching range to the groups.. of music.. you are all such great people really from the bottom of my heart my soul as a Clown and Mind as a Mom... you give so much of yourself to the craft and public... I do feel so sad for you above all.. for there is no way you can be a real people with the ability to have dinner or take a walk with out the world watching you... and it seems like everyone has to have a piece of your soul.. when you give so much all ready...
as my clown in full makeup and suit I am Holly the Holiday Clown and ready to be what is needed for children events or security.. yep . clown in suit who are they really and why are they.. can be several things that are needed .. take of the makeup and hair and silk and satin and I am a Mom... just a Mom... got to play with a great lady of comedy for a weekend and help her laugh with my kids. she dressed as the clown ... got out of the hotel to my kids and I stayed locked in her rooms and thro shoes at the door and had goodies.. she had a ball and I lived it up for a couple of days playing EdithArdy. ahhahahh
hugs kids and love so much love for all you do.. hey if you ever want to run away and be a real people for a weekend and wash dishes sit on the porch and listen to real life go by I cook good.. come visit front door is always open and I have a 1890's stand up piano in the front hall. she is grand.. ardy
I saw some people make some very bad mistakes.. maybe I learned a bunch of life from them and their drinking.. and then when my oldest son became a diabetic in 1979 and he almost died and in 1983 I went thro divorce.. nasty nasty nasty.. house burned that year.. we lost everything. had to find new quarters for 3 kids and a lady without clothes or beds.. took a month to have someone take us in for an upper flat... with a little bit of things..
drink kids why did I drink a lot in private. like most Moms no one around and you could cry yourself to sleep and wake up and go Ok We will keep trying to make ends met wave at each other or have a better day.. and not let the kids know.. well most of the time..
I have worked with and around some great music and writers and film people.. in lots of different ways.. feed them cared for them listened and just secured them from the problems that haunted them... always as my clown in events made sure food and coffee were in reaching range to the groups.. of music.. you are all such great people really from the bottom of my heart my soul as a Clown and Mind as a Mom... you give so much of yourself to the craft and public... I do feel so sad for you above all.. for there is no way you can be a real people with the ability to have dinner or take a walk with out the world watching you... and it seems like everyone has to have a piece of your soul.. when you give so much all ready...
as my clown in full makeup and suit I am Holly the Holiday Clown and ready to be what is needed for children events or security.. yep . clown in suit who are they really and why are they.. can be several things that are needed .. take of the makeup and hair and silk and satin and I am a Mom... just a Mom... got to play with a great lady of comedy for a weekend and help her laugh with my kids. she dressed as the clown ... got out of the hotel to my kids and I stayed locked in her rooms and thro shoes at the door and had goodies.. she had a ball and I lived it up for a couple of days playing EdithArdy. ahhahahh
hugs kids and love so much love for all you do.. hey if you ever want to run away and be a real people for a weekend and wash dishes sit on the porch and listen to real life go by I cook good.. come visit front door is always open and I have a 1890's stand up piano in the front hall. she is grand.. ardy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
You have nothing to lose by chasing your dreams and doing what you love as long as you keep one eye on the practical side of things -- keep your expectations reasonable and don't mortgage the farm on the assumption that you're destined to become rich and famous. Or, as we in the music biz like to say to aspiring wannabes (or to each other in mock disrespect), "Don't give up your day gig."
I look young for my age.
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 932
Originally Posted by Acheleus
Does anyone listen to Townes Van Zandt? Elliott Smith? Leonard Cohen?
Thank you for the replies. I guess playing music and singing is the only time I feel normal and ok.
Thank you for the replies. I guess playing music and singing is the only time I feel normal and ok.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
yep even as a Clown . loved it but kept temping and working in different tiny jobs.. passed my card around a bunch.. never knew were a good paying job would come from.. but you know what my kids learned so much. how to travel what to pack how to approach and be with staff of hotels and great places to eat.. what makes a good event great and how to avoid problems here in the States and abroad.. and all 3 travel a bunch.. Ivan in Steampunk Barry in Uniform for the Army and Melly for her company.. do lots of photos for Mom hotel events and foods. what did you eat.. hahah Melly Royal Albert Hall babe what did you wear... photo please.. she was asked to attend with Lloyd's of London can you believe it . she sold them on and trained them on a product for office and they took her to the event and gave her an award.. my Daughter haahhahaha love it to bits.. now see this is how you know you have been a good Clown and Mom and done something right... what it was you did you have no Idea.. really... but you can see it in that face that its ok Mom you did good.. reach out to that next generation of writers painters music and acting hold on to them and guide push be honest always be honest and in the years that go past.. one day just one will walk back up to you and say.. I became a clown because of you.. I became a nurse because of you I studied hard and teach others because of you.. yep.. and that kids and beans is the real reason we do our craft... now mix something in the cocnut and drink it all up.. dance dance dance.. love ardy
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Acheleus
I guess being sober requires me to be honest with myself. And I am not a mainstream type person. I'm creative, weird and artistic. I think it is more difficult to be this way when you are a man
No one needs to be rebellious, atypical, or "weird" to be creative. And so what if you are? This is a tired stereotype that some people seem to think is a badge of honor. But none of these things define you. What's important is following your passion, regardless of the consequences. It's the easiest thing to talk ourselves out of taking the first step in almost anything we want do in life. And the way we're built, it seems to take a monumental effort to just get started doing the things we love.
Every successful person on the planet started out somewhere, and likely experienced anxiety around making that small but often profound leap, that first step. You can't really tweak self-esteem for the long run; it comes about and becomes stronger by what we do with our lives. And the gap between what we want to do and to be versus who and what we are is a measure of personal misery on the one hand, and a personal sense of achievement on the other. For me, this is simply a trade I am not willing to make.
You've gone through all the motions of what you're "supposed to do" to be successful, of what you're mother expected from you. You've gotten or are in the processing of earning your second advanced degree within the past few years. And where has it brought you? Were you to focus more on your music than have and, ultimately leave teaching and law behind, it doesn't have to mean that you failed at either of theses things. It means that your choices have facilitated clarity for you as to what it is you'd love to do in life.
The world may or may not need another attorney or another teacher. But you're not here to save the world or satisfy your mother's wishes about who and what you are to be. This is why alcoholism is so insidious. It prevents us, or we use it to prevent us, from engaging in life. And it's engaging in life that we discover meaning and experience personal satisfaction.
Is avoiding your passion worth never having tried?
"Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I understand the insight about alcohol preventing us from engaging in life all too well. It was unsettling to read those sentences. They are true.
I suppose the truth is I could have lived my life for my ex. She was like my mom and I cut contact with my mom in 08.
Now that I am alone my ex is no longer taking up any energy--I have to look at myself.
But right now I am struggling because I have one year sober. I hope to build on that until I die. I will do whatever is absolutely necessary to stay sober. This entails helping people. I need to get outside of myself.
The school. Yea my ex gave me a virus and I thought I was dying. I was very scared and I haven't been able to think since then. My confidence is shattered. I feel gross and ugly. It was humiliating and awful. So I do not know how I have done this past semester. I have not checked grades. I keep looking for a letter in the mail telling me I am kicked out. Last semester my gf left me DURING Finals. I got an 87 in con law. 86 in wills.
So I just cannot handle the not knowing if I am going back. I am too scared to check grades and I keep checking my mailbox for dismissal letter.
I did read a novel. It has been a long time since I could just relax. My ex slept with other people and I had to get hiv and std panel tests. It was an absolute nightmare. I think she would be happy if I drowned myself.
To be honest those were my thoughts last month. Do I get a rope or do I use the car exhaust. I was so hurt and harmed by this person.
So I don't know. My ex should have left me alone two years ago when we broke up the first time. She always showed up, or called, or cried and said she was going crazy. Pure manipulation. She just did not want me to he happy.
So I just feel like I go to work but I cannot sleep at night. I do not know if I am going back to school. I don't know where to move. My father is my closest family and he lived with his mail lady last year because the owner sold his rental home.
I don't know how to live and everything just got very brutal very quickly.
I kind of feel hope but then I feel stupid for coming here, dating my ex, being around her when she was drinking--I just feel very stupid. And if I move back to the town I taught in she lives there.
It still feels like she controls my life.
She is really, really evil.
I suppose the truth is I could have lived my life for my ex. She was like my mom and I cut contact with my mom in 08.
Now that I am alone my ex is no longer taking up any energy--I have to look at myself.
But right now I am struggling because I have one year sober. I hope to build on that until I die. I will do whatever is absolutely necessary to stay sober. This entails helping people. I need to get outside of myself.
The school. Yea my ex gave me a virus and I thought I was dying. I was very scared and I haven't been able to think since then. My confidence is shattered. I feel gross and ugly. It was humiliating and awful. So I do not know how I have done this past semester. I have not checked grades. I keep looking for a letter in the mail telling me I am kicked out. Last semester my gf left me DURING Finals. I got an 87 in con law. 86 in wills.
So I just cannot handle the not knowing if I am going back. I am too scared to check grades and I keep checking my mailbox for dismissal letter.
I did read a novel. It has been a long time since I could just relax. My ex slept with other people and I had to get hiv and std panel tests. It was an absolute nightmare. I think she would be happy if I drowned myself.
To be honest those were my thoughts last month. Do I get a rope or do I use the car exhaust. I was so hurt and harmed by this person.
So I don't know. My ex should have left me alone two years ago when we broke up the first time. She always showed up, or called, or cried and said she was going crazy. Pure manipulation. She just did not want me to he happy.
So I just feel like I go to work but I cannot sleep at night. I do not know if I am going back to school. I don't know where to move. My father is my closest family and he lived with his mail lady last year because the owner sold his rental home.
I don't know how to live and everything just got very brutal very quickly.
I kind of feel hope but then I feel stupid for coming here, dating my ex, being around her when she was drinking--I just feel very stupid. And if I move back to the town I taught in she lives there.
It still feels like she controls my life.
She is really, really evil.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 123
My friend, I suggest talk therapy. You sound depressed and it is absolutely commendable to go get help. If talk therapy alone helps - terrific. If you are prescribed something like Prozac etc - that is terrific too. These are not meds to f-you up; you don't get high, you just level out a bit. Sounds like your boat is rocking. Everyone gets sad or whatever but you mentioned a rope and car exhaust - get help.
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