360startstoday

Good morning!

Thank you all for your insight and responses in my intro thread. I have a few more questions.

AH is supposedly leaving. I found out that he is drinking/drugs again, pretty much picked up where we left off. I had told him that this would not ever happen again, so I am standing my ground. He is supposed to be looking for a rental, as the home he owns is rented out right now. I do not believe he is making any effort to leave. He asks me every day if I am sure, I tell him yes, he needs to go. Him being in the house is really annoying. I cannot sleep, he came in at midnight last night, set off the alarm, and wandered around for another hour. I cannot sleep AT ALL with him still being there. I am afraid that he will be coming down from something or drunk and then lose it. At this point he has been pretty calm, I think he thinks I am going to change my mind. But I am standing my ground. I want him gone, forever, I don't care if he did change anymore. I can't handle the lies among other things, I will not subject my boys to him any longer. I hope he changes for them and his own health, but for no other reason. What can I do to get him out? I am trying to be civil, but I cannot handle it anymore.

I found an Al-anon meeting in the next town over from me! I have been reading on here a TON and am ordering three books you all often reference. I feel that I am already learning SO much and it really is helpful to see that I am not alone. There is only one meeting a week, so I will begin going next week, I am very excited.

What do I do now? I am finished. Really truly, I have a peace about it. But I want him out, sooner rather than later.

Custody: We were separated for 18 months once before. I allowed him to have the boys every weekend. There was no Court involved, no child support, he paid my little ones childcare bill. What should I do differently? I want weekends with my boys too. I thought of two things.... he can have them Friday/Saturday and I get them Sunday mornings at 9:00, every weekend. Or we could alternate weekends. I was also wondering if it is typical for a judge to order alcohol/substance abstinence during visitation? What do you all think? And child support? I have never asked for it or wanted it, but I feel he will suck me dry if I allow it, and they are his responsibility as well. I just don't know.

I apologize if this didn't follow, I have a MILLION thoughts running through my head. Help?

CentralOhioDad

Do you really want your children to spend much time, if any, with an active alkie/drug user? I appreciate you trying to respect his role as a father, but how safe are the children if he goes on a bender? Or stops and has serious withdrawal symptoms? You say YOU can;t sleep, yet you are willing to put children in that scenario.

What I would do differently is: get the court involved, get child support, get supervised visits at minimum, and no overnights. That's just me.

Just trying to figure out the thought process here.

hopeful4

Do not go without a custody agreement. Get sober monitoring in place, make sure of that. Sober Link is a good one to have for alcohol, and I would demand hair follicle for drugs if that's an issue.

And get child support, don't entrust him to just pay a bill he could stop paying at any time. Without an agreement, you have no recourse. Now is not the time to play nice.

Tight hugs.

360startstoday

I agree completely. I am just unsure of how the courts would go with this. When he see's them very little he has, in the past stayed sober with them with him. That DOES NOT mean I trust he will always do that. So yes, it is very concerning to me.

I had truly never considered no overnights, but that is a great idea.

My thought process is.... scattered, which is why I ask for advice. This is a new experience, much of why I have continued this path of psychosis is because I thought me being with him would ensure their safety. Which I realize is not healthy now.

CentralOhioDad

I keep a journal which details dates, actions etc. of my AW's passing outs/ blackouts, etc. If you can show a pattern of his inability to stay sober or being present for his kids because he's passed out on the couch most nights like my AW, then I think that would go a long way with the courts.

He's already out of the house because of his escapades, so what happens next wouldn't be a surprise to the court system. You say in one sentence "I can't subject the boys to that any longer", and then talk co-parenting.

Not being mean, just trying to help you find the way.

360startstoday

I appreciate your comments. I do not read it as mean. You pointed out my own contradictory, weird, sick thinking. I appreciate that. I am learning that this is not fun and I have obviously not been thinking clearly. I know that flaws in my thinking etc. have to be pointed out in order for me to fix myself. Thank you.

Hangnbyathread

If the house is in your name and it was yours when you met, you as the owner may evict him as a tenant. The process may vary from state to sate but it generally the same process. You are the landlord and he is the tenant by the definition of the law.

That will send a VERY CLEAR message, its over, and you intend on moving this along now.

CentralOhioDad

Please keep us posted, we care!

You are strong, and can handle this.

COD

360startstoday

My secretary brought me Co-dependent no more, I am excited to start it. (She has her own issues, we have talked about both of our issues lol).

I accidently told my middle son (3 boys!) That his dad was leaving. We were talking this morning and I told him about some new "adventures" we are going on (they love their mom and boys adventures) and then he caught on to what was happening. So we talked it through, as gently as possible for now. He seems to understand. My heart breaks for them. The AH was sorting through stuff last night, looking like he was getting his stuff separated, I made it clear that he needed to go now. Hopefully this weekend he leaves, if not, I will file for formal eviction on Monday. I need him gone to start to move forward, I feel like anyway.

AnvilheadII

you could go ahead and file for formal eviction NOW, which sets the clock ticking sooner rather than later. and if he's gone by Monday, no harm no foul. but do not TRUST him to comply.......the time for the free pass is over.

Wisconsin

Count me as one whose AH said he would move out, and then didn't follow through. In fact, the day after he said he would leave, he acted as though nothing had happened. We did not own our home, so I did not need to deal with that or go through an eviction process. I just got my rear in gear and found my own place, as I was tired of waiting for him to do the "right thing" and leave so I wouldn't have to move with three kids.

360startstoday

He did the same exact thing.... I was thinking.... ummm... I told you to go, why are you sitting on the couch? Then the next day, started fixing things that should have been done months ago. Doing things like that is not making me change my mind. Too late.

I am considering doing it today. My work day is slammed and my office staff is out for the day. But I may be able to go this afternoon. I should get the clock ticking, you are right.

360startstoday

So guys..... He's gone. Got home from work, his truck loaded, told the kids bye. And he is gone.

Part of me is relieved. Part of me heartbroken. And part angry. Just learned shortly before getting home. He's moving in with MY alcoholic brother. That's the anger. At both of them. But, I will not play into any games. I know I made the right decision, but it hurts. Wished it didn't.

Ariesagain

Change the locks?

And better at your brother's than in your house. In a way, they're both doing you a favor.

Endings are aways sad, even when they're the right thing to do. You and your boys will eventually come out stronger and they will know you had their best interests at heart, although they may not act that way sometimes.

Wishing you a bright and happier future.

360startstoday

Everything is electronic entry. I've reprogrammed gates etc. And changed entry codes. Safe on that end.

The thing that gets me about my brother is, they hate each other, have physically fought each other. It's just crazy.

My boys are having a normal Friday evening. It's not phasing them right now. Which is good. I know hard times will come, but I'm grateful for the easy night for today.

Wells

I know this hasn't been bumped in a while but I just wanted to come by.

Caught up on your situation. First and foremost, as everyone has advised, you and your boys are the most important piece here and what you did for your boys is so loving and wonderful, what a great mom you are.

I know how hard it can be when you find yourself in these situations. After that separation, to reconcile, you think, you got over that "one bump" in your lives and you were going to move on and never have that happen again. So I can relate to the hurt you feel when it all goes bad once again after you thought lessons were learned.

As far as his departure itself, I had similar experiences where I said it was time to go, and it was not taken seriously, until finally I had to state it the right way. Just like in your experience, there was delay and hope that backing down would occur. The sudden departure was sort of an attempt at a last lash out at you because you put up your boundary and weren't going to let anything hurt you any more.

I know there are still good days and bad days, and we all have them. I thank you for the advice to write down everything that happened that got me to this point, I know you are doing it too and we can remind ourselves of why we had to let someone that we loved go follow their own path.

NYCDoglvr

Throughout your post I picked up "supposedly". I would confirm he is leaving, get the date and the details. You have a right to plan your own life and not leave it up to his whims.

360startstoday

Thanks Wells. I am having a really GOOD day today. I cannot describe how "right" all of this feels now. He has been gone for 6 weeks.... I have had to whole woe is me time more often than not. But the therapy of writing it, seeing it written just finally made it CLICK. I did the right thing. For me and especially the boys.

I think we do not realize that they have shown us who they are.... over and over and over again, but our co-dependent mind just can't grasp it. That's not really them, that's just the drink or drug or whatever. I finally SAW it. He showed me from day one, but I guess I thought I could change him. I am determined to have no more sad loathing days. I will just remind myself of all that I've learned over the last couple of months.

I don't know if you have read co-dependent no more, but wow, although painful, I am SO grateful to see what I have done and that I can change this.

Kboys

Great to hear 360!!!

Wells

Great to hear as well. Writing things down was eye opening and I will continue to do that.

I agree with you said from day one, or the very early start, there was no game playing or hiding. I was shown who she was and it wasn't a game. It was the same as anyone you will meet -- You date, you get to talking, you get to know each other. She did not hide the fact she loved drinking. A lot. Nor did she hold back on drinking so much that things happened very early on.

Writing it down helped me to remember I wasn't going through these incidents just recently. I have been dealing with these random incidents for the last 10 years, out of nowhere. Not every day, not even every week. But with the uncertainly enough that life was just not the same as it was before.

I am probably the biggest cheerleader on the planet for her if she decides she wants to change this. If not, it's her life to live, and as you say -- That IS who they are and if they are OK with that, and don't want to change that, who the heck are we to walk into their life and tell them to change it up for our benefit? Gotta let them live THEIR life on THEIR terms!

We humans are so lucky to be on this planet and have a chance to take a shot at a life. And just like the addicts out there, all of us have a choice on how we want to spend our years on the earth. They have as much a right (law abiding, anyway) to make the choices and spend their time with any activities that make their live worth living.

OT - And not to get too political as I know that gets scary. But, take gay marriage for example. I have no gay friends or family members. I have met gay people in passing and that's fine. But all the rights that are being questioned -- Let them have their rights, ALL the rights they want, same as the rest of us. We are human beings here. What gives us the right to tell other people what they can and cannot do with their lives? Live your life, enjoy. See you in the next life, if we are so lucky as to find out one exists for us.

Now that's not to say an alcoholic who abuses their kids, or gets behind the wheel, is afforded those same rights -- But someone who wants to spend their earth years drinking it away -- Have at it. We just have the wonderful rights as our own humans to get the HECK away!!!!