StandingStrong

Okay, so I needed to just get my thoughts out of my head and I thought that some of you might want to hear them. (Okay, maybe not, but maybe you can relate to my thoughts anyways, lol)

I was at work today. The sister of the girl who used to be my very best friend on the planet came in. I haven't seen her in years!!!!!!! As we talked, of course the subject of her sister came up. I made the comment to her (as I've made in the past to others that questioned our non-friendship after such a close bond) "I really miss the person that she was, but not the person that she became."
You see, my friend made some really bad choices. Her life became different - SHE became different. Until she finally just became someone that I no longer wanted in my life. It was really hard for me to let her go, but I knew then (as I still do) that it was for the best.

After this woman left, I really thought about how my old friend's life had turned out. How truly sad it was that someone who could have been and had so much more had really just thrown her life away. And I hurt for her. Though I highly doubt she hurts at all for any of her choices.

Then I had a thought strike me. It was almost overwhelming.
Why is it that I could let go of my best friend who meant so much for me because I knew it was the best thing to do? And yet I could not let go of my AH though I knew it would've been best if I had?
Why do I hurt for my friend and the life she now has? But I don't hurt for the life that my AH has now that we are seperated, etc?
How could I say "I miss the person that she was, not the person she became" so many times without realizing that, in truth, my AH turned into a person that I no longer missed as well. (In truth, I think he was always the way he is - I just failed to see it)

It was an interesting thought process that went through my head. I can not even fully put into words for you all what transpired in there. But I came away (it's hours later now) with a strange feeling.
A feeling of really "wanting" to do what is best for me. The "feeling" of "wanting" to be happy. To let go of the past, the people that have caused me great negativity, hurt, etc., and yet I am just sitting here feeling so "odd". Out of sorts with myself, I guess.

I know in my heart that I shoud have left my AH a long time ago.
But I also know that back then, I wasn't ready. And had I left back then, my life would be horrible now.
But now.....well, I second-guess myself all the time. This is why we are seperated but I've not taken him back nor divorced him.

Just find it interesting because I never really stopped to think and consider the similarities between my friend and my husband. Hadn't stopped to really realize that I could let go of one - but for the life of me I can't figure out why I have different rules for my AH.

I think it's fear. Fear of change. Fear of regret. Fear of the unknown. Fear of many things.

But anyways......just had to share this very weird emotional confusion with you all. :paranoid:

Peaches04

Hi standingstrong - isn't it amazing the revelations we have now that we are working on ourselves! It happens to me alot too. I have thought alot about what you are saying, because I assure you - I would have never, never in a million years pictured being married to an alcholic. I am sure that if it were a friend, possible even a family member - I would have for no other reason than weakness, determined it was more than I could bare! I had a sister who went into drug rehab when we were in college, and thank God it worked - but, if it hadn't..I think I would have been able to let go. And I love her unconditionally - so I guess it's just a different dynamic when it's a husband..I dunno. It's a good question...wish I had the answer or really! that I'd had it a few years ago. But, that's okay - I'm learning and growing, and I like it!

CrazyRed

Hmmm, some very interesting points here!

Makes me think of my own home movie: I have a sibling -5 years older than I- that hurt me over and over my entire life. I filed a restraining order against her and did not speak again for a decade -until working my program, that is. (We talk now on IM and I stay detached, but that is something.) I filed the R.O. after I had reached my limit and was tired of fooling with her, plain and simple.

As for the not divorcing nor taking the AH back you mentioned....very interesting! Sounds like you gave up hope on the friend, you might still have hope for your man?

Thanks for sharing, keep me thinking tonight!