Filing for divorce...

Old 07-06-2016, 12:35 PM
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Filing for divorce...

Here are links if you want to see my history:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/392013-stuck-uncertain-what-do-now.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/393155-my-limit-has-been-reached.html


So I am seeing a lawyer today to discuss filing for divorce. Originally I was going to seek legal separation, but after spending the last 4 days doing some serious soul searching, I know we cannot come back from this. And as long as he carries the hope that he can manage to continue our life as it is, he will never hit rock bottom.

My daughter and I spent the holiday weekend with my family at the coast and had a wonderful time. My AH meanwhile stayed at our home in between the airbnb places he rented after I told him I need a break and I need him out of the house. He refused to move out indefinitely so all I could get him to agree to was 3 weeks away.

Before I left for vacation he claimed he hadn't been drinking anymore, that he was studying his recovery and working hard. In the conversation I could tell he still didn't get it, he still was blaming his lack of sleep, his bad diet, etc for his problems but yet still said he was done drinking.

We skyped while I was gone so that he could interact with our daughter. He looked like hell. I came home yesterday to our house exactly the way I left it, including the same dishes in the sink from Thursday. I just knew he had gone on a bender. I dug in the outside recycling bin and at the bottom I found a bag from his 4 day weekend:

*12 pack of Pabst
*6 Budweiser tall boys
*2 fifths of Makers Mark
*1 pint of Bulliet Bourbon
*2 pints of Jim Beam
*3 mini bottles of Jim Beam

I am seriously surprised I didn't come home to find him dead. He is on pain pills for his hand and zoloft on top of all this alcohol. Any last remnants of doubt about divorce were washed away.

He came over to pick up his clothes and see our daughter and after she went to bed, I quietly showed him what I found. I told him I don't want him to die and his daughter needs her father in her life and to please get help. And then I shut the door.

After wrestling with it, I decided to call his parents. If he dies or injures himself, I need them to know the current situation and that the lies he is telling them are just that. I don't expect them to save or enable him, I'd prefer they didn't, but they are his parents and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try one last time to open their eyes to the dire situation.

After sending them the picture of his weekend bottles and calling them, his mother asked if I was just going to throw him out on the streets, asked if I would do the same thing if he had cancer as both are a disease. They don't understand, they don't want to see how bad this is and they blame me for pushing him out in his time of need. I've said my peace, I choose the health of me and my daughter. Whatever they choose to believe from here on out is no longer my problem.
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Old 07-06-2016, 12:39 PM
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I'm not going to start the whole "it is/is not a disease" conversation, but I'll pass on what someone told me on these forums several years ago: You don't run down to the corner store to buy cancer.
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Old 07-06-2016, 12:41 PM
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I'm sorry to hear that it came to this, but I admire your strength and determination to do what you feel is right for you and your daughter.

(((HUGS)))
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Old 07-06-2016, 12:42 PM
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Good for you.
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Old 07-06-2016, 12:45 PM
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((((Hugs))))) I'm sorry this is happening.

If his mom continues harassing you, give her the info for the closest AlAnon group meeting & tell her that there is no way she'll ever "hear" this from you, but that if she really seriously wants to understand things, she's welcome to talk to this group as they have experience & knowledge about this exact topic & might be able to help her understand it all better. I also would have no issues letting her know that I won't be putting up with her harassing me about MY decisions pertaining to MY life & that I'll block her number if she continues in this way.
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Old 07-06-2016, 12:49 PM
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Fururetrip.....I total agree with your judgement on this!

It is regrettable that his p arents don't see the true nature of this disease. they probably never will....
You and I know that alcoholism and cancer are not the same things!!!!

I have seen it where the family, from a distance, trys to get y ou to take the alcoholic on your shoulders.....
But, their tune seems to change if they get the son or daughter on their doorstep for a while and see what it is really like!!

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Old 07-06-2016, 01:11 PM
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Future - I am sorry you are having to make such difficult decisions.

For what it is worth, my mom is an ACOA. My grandmother was bullied by my grandfather's family to stay with him, and "not put him out on the streets." She bent to their criticism, and was physically/emotionally beaten nearly everyday of her life because of it (until he left her...). My mother wishes every day that my grandmother would have left him way back when and gotten them out of that situation. As a young girl, of course she did not have a voice/say in the matter. My grandfather is long gone - passed as a result of the alcoholism and who knows what else. The point I am trying to make is I see how my mother will always carry that with her, and long for a childhood free of the terror of having an alcoholic father.

It is heartbreaking when children are involved. I have one of my own with my AH, and it makes me cry often thinking of the grim options I feel I have for him (Stay with AH/RAH or have him grow up without his biological father) and the potential repercussions of each. I also struggle with my own thoughts telling me I would be taking a son away from his father, which is a battle I will have to overcome. But, I have decided, that I will not allow my son to feel the pain, turmoil, trauma, etc of living with an AH or someone who is back and forth in addiction.

I support you, and again am sorry you are having to make this decision. I think you are doing the right thing for your child.
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Old 07-06-2016, 01:14 PM
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You sound fantastic, level headed and logical in a tough situation.

I would just like to validate you. You are doing the right thing for you and your daughter. You have had enough - anyone in your situation would have. You are not throwing him out on the streets - people break up all the time and both people find places to live - that shouldn't be too hard for a grown @$& man.

Bigger and better life ahead for you and your girl - and we'll cheer you on the whole way!
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Old 07-06-2016, 01:46 PM
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You're doing the right thing for the right reasons, as hard as it is. I admire your resolve and your strength.

As for his parents...good luck to them. I hope they get educated because that's got enablement horror show all over it.

Best of luck to you and your baby...she's a lucky girl to have you looking out for her.
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Old 07-06-2016, 02:44 PM
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You really are doing the right thing. And you did the right thing to tell his parents. If they decide to take him in and enable him, let them. Their call, not yours.

Wow. That is a lot of alcohol. He is in the throes of serious addiction, and he is in charge of what he wants to do about it.

In the mean time, you and your daughter deserve peace. Many hugs.
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Old 07-06-2016, 08:40 PM
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Thank you for everyone's support. This forum has helped me immensely in my resolve that I am doing the right thing.

I am filing tomorrow. I am going to let him know with an email tomorrow night. While at first glance that may seem cold, I need to give him the space to digest the information as I do not believe he is seeing this coming even after everything that has happened. And I need to be able to form my words on my decision without immediately being met with his refusal, denial, anger and attempts at bartering. Of course I will talk with him when he is ready and willing, but I feel like this is the right way to let him know.

I'll be leaving this marriage with my daughter, her safety, my career and nothing left in savings due to the financial drain of his "recovery", the cost of divorce, temporary spousal support for him and full time child care for my daughter. But I'm OK with that. I'm buying control of my future and my life back. It's no longer up to him and his decisions on how I feel day to day or left up to him on how long it takes before I can feel safe, secure and sane again. There is a lot of relief in that.

Don't get me wrong, it's heart breaking. And I'm sure he'll claim this last go round was his "rock bottom", but I am done. And I am finally at peace with it. I may not be at times during this process, but I'll be ok.
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Old 07-06-2016, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad View Post
I'm not going to start the whole "it is/is not a disease" conversation, but I'll pass on what someone told me on these forums several years ago: You don't run down to the corner store to buy cancer.
Love it!!!
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Old 07-06-2016, 09:25 PM
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FT, I totally agree that you sound like someone who is strong, in control and has arrived at a decision about how she wants her life to go forward. You've done some hard work and looked at some hard things.

I wish you continued strength and clarity to get thru this next piece, and I wish you peace and beauty once the dust settles.
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Old 07-07-2016, 08:25 PM
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FT,
I agree with you about the separation vs divorce. My therapist told me that separation means nothing. Even if you filed for divorce and he "finds" God and gets well, you can always put it on hold.

I am 1 1/2 years post divorce. Given up hope that AXH will ever find sobriety. Grateful every day that I am not on that crazy train anymore.

Sending hugs to you, it is painful, but you can do it.
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Old 07-10-2016, 06:59 PM
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I am not far behind you...I have made up my mind to file for divorce from my addict husband. We have two small children together so I can understand how torn you feel at first. But, there is a sense of peace that comes over you when you accept the situation for what it is and realize it's up to you to make the future of your child a healthier and safe one. My husbands mother is a classic enabler! My thought process was the same as yours and I told her about the situation so she could reach out to help him. instead she turned her back to me and just hounded me to see her grandkids. Blew my mind considering she has been aware of his addiction issues for 15 years plus! So I cut off contact with her and I'm moving forward with my life without looking for any reassurance from his side. At this point, I know my decision is the right one for my children and I could give a rats a** what others think. Sounds like you are a strong person and know the right path. I wish you lots of luck and peace for you and your daughter <3
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Old 07-10-2016, 07:12 PM
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Can I ask how long you have been dealing with him like this for? I am struggling with how much longer I want to live with this and how many screw ups, make ups and excuses I am going to deal with.

The thing is with every time it doesn't hurt as much as I just get more mad at myself for being stupid and staying.
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Old 07-10-2016, 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad View Post
I'm not going to start the whole "it is/is not a disease" conversation, but I'll pass on what someone told me on these forums several years ago: You don't run down to the corner store to buy cancer.

Today my husband brought up his "disease". I told him I was going to walk him through the cancer ward at the hospital because if they could just stop buying something to be cured I bet they would. He can just stop buying his booze and "cure his disease"
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Old 07-10-2016, 08:11 PM
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Hey FT,

Best to you as you start into this next chapter. May there be healing and joy on the other side.

Let us know of any esupport we can provide.
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Old 07-10-2016, 09:09 PM
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Originally Posted by DarkCloudOverMe View Post
Can I ask how long you have been dealing with him like this for? I am struggling with how much longer I want to live with this and how many screw ups, make ups and excuses I am going to deal with.

The thing is with every time it doesn't hurt as much as I just get more mad at myself for being stupid and staying.
Hard to give an accurate answer. I've known he has a drinking problem for many, many years. It was a problem in our relationship off and on, but honestly I drank along with him, just not as often or as much as he did.

The fact that he is an alcoholic became highlighted for me 2.5 years ago when I was pregnant. I remember begging him at the end of it to please cut back because I was afraid of going into labor and he would be too drunk to drive me to the hospital. He promised he'd stop once the baby arrived. The first year of her life was hell for me at night. Id go to bed exhausted soon after our daughter and he stayed up drinking. I will never forgive him for the lack of help, the many nights he'd promise to get up and then be passed out (at that time I was still in denial that it was truly because of the alcohol), when he did begrudgingly help he was so mean and nasty about it. This was not the man I married. He was horrid until she finally starting sleeping through the night.

His drinking got worse and worse until one night in January he was in charge of her care and he passed out on the floor, her lights on in the middle of the night with her crying. That got him to rehab. And since 6 days after he got home, it's been a roller coaster of lies, hiding alcohol, apologies, begging for another chance, more lies, a trip to the hospital and finally this last binge.

So I'd say its been 6 months since he's been actively lying, hiding, begging for more chances, pretending to be in recovery, but it's been years of disappointment, broken promises and active alcoholism.

Believe me, i am constantly questioning if I've given him enough chances to prove he can commit to recovery. But the fact is that if it takes me filing for divorce for him to get it, it's both a good thing for him and a wake up call for me. I don't want a partner who only does the right thing when threatened with this kind of action. If he doesn't have his own inner strength, then he will always go as far as he can pushing the line until the consequences get too big for him, be damned that they've been too much for me for so much longer. It's kind of a slap in the face, albeit one that could just maybe give my daughter the father she deserves but most definitely one that will give me control of my life back.
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Old 07-11-2016, 05:43 AM
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This is a time when we as mothers are supposed to be nesting and enjoying our babies. It's sad that we can't have a partner to reply upon to help us and be there through such a beautiful time in life. I second guess my decision at times too because I always want to help those in need...but a partnership shouldn't be like this. I won't let my husband rob me of another minute away from my beautiful kids. Hugs!
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