The Life I Never Expected
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 46
The Life I Never Expected
I never expected I would be married to a recovering alcoholic. I never expected to deal with addiction in any way - certainly not from my college sweetheart, the smart, athletic, funny man I married. I never expected to be a mama, with another baby on the way, wondering what happened to the life I was *supposed* to have.
It's been quite the road back, and I'm still living a life I never expected. A life in recovery has meant building plans around AA meetings and group therapy. It's meant an ongoing relationship with an addiction counselor. It's meant dealing with my triggers and anxiety in social situations where others are drinking - things that are, thankfully, easing with time. It's meant moments of "what ifs" and carrying some very painful memories in my heart - but the burden lightens each day.
But it's also meant overwhelming gratitude for each sober day - more than two years and counting. It's meant kissing my sober husband and savoring the absence of alcohol on his breath. Hugging him and savoring his steadiness. Watching him with our boys and savoring those precious moments that we were *thisclose* to not having. It's meant looking forward to gatherings - especially at our alcohol-free house - with excitement rather than anxiety. It's meant being content to let things just be as they are, rather than trying to be perfect.
For those of you with loved ones in recovery: what has a life in recovery meant for you?
It's been quite the road back, and I'm still living a life I never expected. A life in recovery has meant building plans around AA meetings and group therapy. It's meant an ongoing relationship with an addiction counselor. It's meant dealing with my triggers and anxiety in social situations where others are drinking - things that are, thankfully, easing with time. It's meant moments of "what ifs" and carrying some very painful memories in my heart - but the burden lightens each day.
But it's also meant overwhelming gratitude for each sober day - more than two years and counting. It's meant kissing my sober husband and savoring the absence of alcohol on his breath. Hugging him and savoring his steadiness. Watching him with our boys and savoring those precious moments that we were *thisclose* to not having. It's meant looking forward to gatherings - especially at our alcohol-free house - with excitement rather than anxiety. It's meant being content to let things just be as they are, rather than trying to be perfect.
For those of you with loved ones in recovery: what has a life in recovery meant for you?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 3
I'm really happy to hear your story! My H and I are not there yet but he's trying to stay sober. I hope our family will be like yours one day! How did you get through the beginning of recovery when it's really hard on your H? Any tips on how to be supportive?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
The Life I Never Expected
5 gripping words.
Applaud your strength.
Applaud your ability to carry on... even with the 5 words we all ask in the middle of the night.
Sending you one more person who supports you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 46
balletdancer88 - you asked for tips, so I'll share a few more details. Perhaps they'll help, but I know every situation is unique.
This is going to sound contradictory, but I saved my marriage and helped my husband recover by being willing to leave.
After the trauma of living with an active alcoholic for two years, I finally woke up to what had been happening and decided I did not want that life for myself or my children. I kicked him out. We were separated for three weeks - with minimal contact, because I said I wouldn't talk about "us" unless we were in a counseling setting - before he was arrested for drunk driving. He started seeking help after that, but we remained separated for three months before easing back into life together.
In early recovery, this is what worked for us:
My firm boundary was NO MORE DRINKING. One drink, one relapse, and I was gone. The kids were gone. He could build himself a miserable life around alcohol if he wanted, but if he chose that, he was no longer the man I loved.
I let him be very, very selfish in his recovery. For the first two months, I put almost no expectations on him. We lived separately, even after I gave birth to our son, so he could focus on himself. He hated it. I insisted on it. I needed to see him working on recovery, and then I needed to have him engage me in his recovery process. And honestly, I had a new baby and had to focus on caring for him, not dealing with my husband.
When the boys and I finally came home, it was really scary. I had to have some expectations of him then, in terms of being a parent and partner, but I tried very hard to keep them reasonable and let go of my previous focus on perfection. Just being a family was good enough. We had some rough patches, but he stayed committed to recovery and so did I.
Our life is different now. We've both made sacrifices because we've decided each other is worth it. But the one thing that can NEVER be part of our lives is alcohol (or any other substance, of course). He knows I will walk if he goes back to that life, and I will take the boys with me. The beautiful thing is that he has chosen recovery for himself, not just for us...but our addiction counselor, who we still see regularly, is adamant in her belief that my firm stance about what it would take for him to keep his family was a huge contributor to his desire to get - and stay - sober.
This is going to sound contradictory, but I saved my marriage and helped my husband recover by being willing to leave.
After the trauma of living with an active alcoholic for two years, I finally woke up to what had been happening and decided I did not want that life for myself or my children. I kicked him out. We were separated for three weeks - with minimal contact, because I said I wouldn't talk about "us" unless we were in a counseling setting - before he was arrested for drunk driving. He started seeking help after that, but we remained separated for three months before easing back into life together.
In early recovery, this is what worked for us:
My firm boundary was NO MORE DRINKING. One drink, one relapse, and I was gone. The kids were gone. He could build himself a miserable life around alcohol if he wanted, but if he chose that, he was no longer the man I loved.
I let him be very, very selfish in his recovery. For the first two months, I put almost no expectations on him. We lived separately, even after I gave birth to our son, so he could focus on himself. He hated it. I insisted on it. I needed to see him working on recovery, and then I needed to have him engage me in his recovery process. And honestly, I had a new baby and had to focus on caring for him, not dealing with my husband.
When the boys and I finally came home, it was really scary. I had to have some expectations of him then, in terms of being a parent and partner, but I tried very hard to keep them reasonable and let go of my previous focus on perfection. Just being a family was good enough. We had some rough patches, but he stayed committed to recovery and so did I.
Our life is different now. We've both made sacrifices because we've decided each other is worth it. But the one thing that can NEVER be part of our lives is alcohol (or any other substance, of course). He knows I will walk if he goes back to that life, and I will take the boys with me. The beautiful thing is that he has chosen recovery for himself, not just for us...but our addiction counselor, who we still see regularly, is adamant in her belief that my firm stance about what it would take for him to keep his family was a huge contributor to his desire to get - and stay - sober.
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