SpringWater

Hi All,

I hope you had a nice holiday weekend. I am in a terrible state feeling horrible about all of the hideous things I did under the influence. I can't seem to let it go. I've been going to meetings and working with my sponsor but I am SO full of shame, guild and self-loathing. I really am hating myself more than ever.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear you have a sponsor and are going to meetings. Have you begun working on the steps yet? That can be very helpful in dealing with some of the things we've done in the past, especially taking self inventory and amends. But it does take time.

Mindfulness is a practice that is tied closely to meditation and teaches one to learn to live in the present as well. We of course cannot change the past no matter what we do, so we must learn to live in the "now". It's something you can do on your own, but a counselor or therapist can also help. Have you ever had a therapy session before?

Behappy1

How far are you along in your sobriety? I think early on a very common feeling is self loathing. For me, it was terrible in the beginning.

Wastinglife

I know exactly how you feel. I've also been struggling with the guilt and shame I've harboured over the years. Ironically, I drank to deal with the ruminating, thus creating more regretful moments. I did 2 years of therapy to help me move on with life but all the therapy in the world wasn't going to work without giving up alcohol for good. Time and sobriety is the solution

SpringWater

I am early in sobriety. I don't seem to be able to let go of this self hatred. I have started working on the steps. I just did the 3rd step prayer and now am working on my list of resentments. My biggest resentment is me.

ScottFromWI

It's difficult to do and it's quite common so know you aren't alone. Unfortunately it's also something that simply takes time...weeks, maybe even months to start improving.

Focusing on your recovery program, talking with your sponsor, sharing here, reading inspirational/mindful books can all help. As I mentioned previously, if you have access to therapy or counseling don't rule that out either - it can really be helpful to have someone guiding you through the process.

SpringWater

This may sound odd but I did go to a therapist that specialized in addictions and she told me she didn't think I was an alcoholic. I wasn't totally honest about my consumption though. I know I need to get help. I love AA and the people are wonderful. At the meeting I went to this morning they talked about being happy, joyous and free. I just feel like crap and the scum of the earth and so embarrassed.

tomsteve

good on ya for getting that far! you hear the promises read at meetings? the ones that start" if we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through?"
welp, them there contain
that feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.

now, that's the 9th step promises- promises that materialize if we are painstaking (employing great care and thoroughness) with the previous 8 steps and while doing the 9th step.

make sure you put you on your resentment list.

spring, ya gotta give this T.I.M.E.= Things I Must Earn.
I don't think anyone in AA walked in likin themselves much. it was the footwork that helped change that.

no one could have hated me more than me when I walked into AA. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. that's changed.

now, go look in the mirror and tell yourself you love you. look right into your own eyes and say it. do it every morning and night.
and continue working the steps.

Soberwolf

Stick with it SpringWater from where I'm looking I see someone trying & succeeding don't be hard on yourself I think everyone does this in early sobriety when we wake up to what has happened it hurts it's painful but with time like Scott said you will learn to forgive yourself doent mean it all goes away but it really helps & as more time accumulates the better it will get

Anna

I had a terrible time getting past the shame and guilt. It plagued me for a long time. Someone here suggested I journal which wasn't something I really wanted to do, but I was desperate. I began writing my negative thoughts about myself each time I felt something. It was amazingly cathartic to put the words on paper and it truly began to lift the burden for me. I continued journaling for many months and I highly recommend it. And, as Scott said, Mindfulness is a wonderful practice and though it's not easy, it's very simple.

IvanMike

Hang in there.

Good advice all around. - It takes time. The steps aren't magic, they help you become more comfortable with yourself over time. I still struggle with self esteem and guilt, but less than I used to. Part of what happens is we stop getting loaded. Then we stop doing a lot of the other things that hurt ourselves and others and that make us feel badly about ourselves. We start doing more things that make us feel better about ourselves as well. We get input from others and help taking a realistic look at our strengths and weaknesses. We start cleaning up the wreckage of our past.

It's been my experience that I feel less shame about my past the more time I put between myself and the behaviors I feel guilty about. Likewise, the more I clean up the wreckage and repair relationships, the less guilty I feel.

When the voice in my head shows up and tells me that I am no good and makes me feel ashamed to be me, I can tell it to shut up, and I can produce evidence that I am a good person. I had to build that evidence up over time. It's not that I wasn't a good person with 60 days clean, but I didn't have much of a track record to point to then to convince myself that I wasn't worthless.

Hang on, you'll get there.

Nonsensical

I did regrettable things because of my drinking, so I think it's reasonable to have some shame and remorse. But I think that wallowing-in-guilt-self-loathing feeling is a trick of the addiction.

My addiction wants to control me by any means it can muster in order to get me to do what it wants - give it more alcohol. If it can convince me I am contemptible, disgusting, utterly useless, lowly scum - well then how hard is it to talk me into treating myself that way by drinking? (It doesn't matter, I'm lowly scum anyway....)

My addiction is a liar and a thief.

I did bad things. I am NOT a bad person. In fact, I am getting better every day.

So are you. Hang in their Kiddo!

teatreeoil007

One thing that helps me when I am in a funk is to get my mind on something ELSE...distraction, perhaps? Find something to do that will take your mind off those yucky thoughts. Music, exercise, reading, crafts, cleaning ....Some of us have tenacious memories of things we did we are not proud of and our memory is too good sometimes...got to find a way to let it go....find AN OPEN DOOR...life can be hard...whether it's saying farewell to ones you love or knowing you did things that brought shame....we are often the least forgiving of ourselves...Find an open door, m'friend.

ZenLifter

Hi Springwater. Everyone's given you some good advice. Don't know if it will help, but maybe think of the guilt and shame as a kind of purifying fire that you have to walk through right now. Or some kind of horrible medicine that will eventually make you better. The worst of it really is just temporary, remember that.

awuh1

Springwater, I would encourage you to move through the steps fairly quickly. I believe you may get considerable relief when you do step 9. If your sponsor knows about the things that are causing the shame (having done the 4th and 5th step with them) they will be in a position to better help you with the 9th step.

Don't give up hope. Relief is ahead.

MaidenNZ

Every day you live without drinking is another step towards people seeing things have changed in you. We can't undo the stupid things we've done, but we sure as hell can make certain we never repeat them.

Go easy on yourself, stay sober and remember it's only one day at a time you need to get through. We are our own worst critics. Often times others have forgiven us long before we've forgiven ourselves.

zerothehero

I would say start here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqQHhF4CaKQ and try other Neff videos and related meditation practices.

I like to meditate and picture myself as an innocent boy - before I witnessed violence, before I was abused, before I was "introduced" to sex (at age 5), before I began with substances - and recognize that I am still that boy, and that I deserve compassion no matter who I am or what I've done. Then I carry that into my day...

sugarbear1

My alcoholism is being self-centered and self-loathing. Getting through step 7 was life-changing for me. Today I work on being other-centered.....

Zufrieden

Hi Springwater
I've been filled with remorse, hypochondria, guilt etc.... For months.
Now that I'm sober I judge myself harshly.
I set up an email account that only I have the address for and I do the following each day:
I send a picture of myself
I talk about anything I'm sad or disappointed or wrecked about
I write about something good on this day
I send a photo of something that has moved me
It has been months of this now and I've not visited the site even once for reasons I don't understand.
The email account is just an unloading place for me.
I feel better after emailing myself and hope that someday I'll visit and be amazed at the very gradual transition that has occurred.
It's a process that might seem slow but it is a positive path.
My best
Jonathan

OfEpiphany

prolonged sobriety will help with memories of your past acts, as they slowly dissipate into the past and become a distant memory.