A different Independence Day

Old 07-05-2016, 05:47 AM
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A different Independence Day

The night before July 4th I was stunned to read on a thread on FB that a colleagues daughter was in the hospital fighting for her life due to having been nearly beat to death by her husband.

She had given birth to their first child 2 weeks before, married for 6 month. She is 23 years old.

She asked her mother (my colleague) to post pictures of what he did to her, and tell the world what he did. Hard to look at. Hard to read. Put another face to the many of Domestic Violence.

The news picked the story up. From there a little more understanding - late last year there was another incident, a "fight", he was ordered to go into anger management. He went, he talked positively about the experience, he seemed to be on the right path. Though we do not know that was true, we do not know what she lived with, we only know he managed not to have to police called for 9 months.

Codependents are very likely to end up in DV relationships, we want to help people, we want to fix people, we feel we can "love" them to normalcy. We easily forgive bad behavior, we rationalize it. We ignore it. We try an fix it, control it, manage it. We exhaust ourselves making sure whatever "triggers" are there become our responsibility in effect we take blame when something happens because WE failed at our job.

This man held this woman hostage in their home for 4 days. In that time he tried to blind her so she "would never see her baby", attempted to destroy her hearing by pouring boiling water in her ears so she would never "hear her baby again", he tried to pull her teeth so she could not bite him, he stabbed her twice, he broke her ribs and her jaw, he choked her. He forced her to take drugs to keep her sedated so that he could repeatedly rape her, and she couldn't escape. The news posted a picture of them taken maybe week before both holding their newborn looking at him lovingly with their arms wrapped around each other.

Why did he do this? What was it that set him off? The why's and the what's are why people stay (gotta un-do all that childhood trauma for them!! The empathy for them, the compassion that they are screwed up) along with that pesky emotion love.

I imagine today or tomorrow this sub-human person will go to Court. I read that the wife is scared (well, but of course) that he will get out, he will get bail(please Lord no). Currently, the charges pending against him are for aggravated battery, imprisonment, and endangering a child (the baby is fine btw) I hope that they go for attempted murder and rape because that's what it is. I pray he is denied bail. I saw his mug shot last night. He was smirking, staring straight in the camera like "whatever".

I'm glad she got her independence from him, very sorry for what it cost her. I'm glad we live in a Country where no woman is the property of any man, I am glad we live in a Country that recognizes marital rape. I'm thankful for those like LexieCat who work diligently in this area because its got to be hard to see the abuse. Please say a prayer for this young woman that she regains her physical state back the way it was before, she is making improvements. Not sure what the state of her eyesight is, I know that she can see light but they are unable to determine yet what if any permanent damage is there at this time.

It can get you killed trying to fix someone who is a Domestic Abuser. They are filled with hatred and malice, they are often narcissist, sociopaths, they feel nothing about what they do because its is "YOUR FAULT YOU MADE THEM DO IT. Yesterday was a somber day for me. I cannot get these pictures out of my head, nor forget the story. 4 days OMG, A lifetime. I know we have members here who are in the same situation. I don't get on those threads too much, they are best left to others that understand the psychology of the abused. My wish for those who are is to take in consideration this story, and the millions of other stories. Call a confidential DV hotline, get counseling, get a plan, get to a shelter, tell someone don't hide it, GET OUT, you aren't anyone's punching bag.
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Old 07-05-2016, 05:56 AM
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oh my god, red, I am speechless. Oh my god.

Praying for her, lighting my lamp for her.

Praying to whatever powers there are to help this woman.
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Old 07-05-2016, 07:43 AM
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Red.....even the description, itself, is hard to read.....and I can imagine how disturbing this is for you.....
When it hits so close to home and in such a grisly way....it isn't just something that happens to other people, any more....

I feel so bad for her and her family, and for you....as I knw that you are affected, deeply by the inhumanity of what has happened.....

I thank you for posting about this....so, that it might help someone else to believe that it really happens.....

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Old 07-05-2016, 07:54 AM
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God help her-give her strength to testify against that worthless piece of ****. I hope he's gang raped in prison. Yes, some of us codependents stay with ****** up abusers bc we feel so bad for their childhood trauma and feel we can make it better for them. There were a lot of smiling pictures with my ex and I, masking the abuse at home.

I am praying so hard for this woman-and even more dr the child, that he never has access to that poor innocent child ever again.

What a piece of **** that guy is.
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Old 07-05-2016, 08:01 AM
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This makes me sick to my stomach. Thank you for sharing.

Sending prayers for healing, for peace for her friends and family (and you) and for an angry and determined judge.

So sad.
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Old 07-05-2016, 08:03 AM
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There is not much more to say, other than this is an unfathomable, despicable act that words cannot describe. I pray for her and the baby.

I know we are taught to forgive, but I can't find one shred of forgiveness for this piece of s***. I'll stop before going further.
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Old 07-05-2016, 08:14 AM
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Oh, red, I'm so sorry. I'm always sorry to hear of yet another incident. I hope she manages to heal, I hope he goes away for a good, long time.

The only comfort we can take is that with an incident like this, none of the defenses that are typically trotted out are likely to persuade a jury. Chances are that he will get bail (in most jurisdictions, only murder is non-bailable), but hopefully it will be too high for him to post. I hope he goes away for a VERY long time. (Our organization works against prison rape, so I won't hope for that--the culture that permits it to occur results in the victimization of people who have never committed a crime of violence and it should never happen in our correctional institutions.)

Will keep her, and her family, in my thoughts and prayers. Sadly, this happens every day. Sadly, even worse things happen in DV settings. Many of them never see the light of day in the media.
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Old 07-05-2016, 08:20 AM
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I worked in child protection for 9 years.. try so hard to just go someplace in public to not watch and yet can see so much.. I need a tissue.. oh please God hear the prayers of so many Moms young women and all of us.. please help the ones that can not speak for themselves help them to find the care and safety they need and please all of you.. call watch and check on your family your neighbors and stop this problem as it is just getting so much bigger.. love to you all and Red if you can tell the Mom that so many of us hold her in our hearts tight... love ardy..
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Old 07-05-2016, 08:35 AM
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No, For, I know what you mean. There are definitely some people you have no sympathy for. Still, I try to remind people of that, because a lot of people (read jurors) feel that way when a prison rape case is prosecuted. The thing is, the next victim might be your son or sister, who made some bad choices or was caught up in addiction, landing him/her in prison.

Guys like this creep are not usually the victims, anyway, but even if the victim is someone for whom we have no sympathy, we can't let it happen--especially not without consequences.
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Old 07-05-2016, 08:37 AM
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How awful. This just breaks my heart.

I am sure this was hard to share, but I appreciate your doing so Red. There are a lot of people on this forum in scary situations, or situations that could turn scary very quickly. Hopefully this will make even one person think about what could happen and seek help.

Hugs to all.
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Old 07-05-2016, 12:28 PM
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Thank you all! Such a wonderful community here.
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Old 07-05-2016, 02:19 PM
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Oh my goodness... that's so very heartbreaking

Thanks for sharing Red
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Old 07-05-2016, 04:30 PM
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I'm really so sorry that this happened. I will keep her and her baby in my prayers. There are many triggers to when DV starts. It's ownership. It could be when you are really close, or you move in together. A baby could signify that your are abandoning that person for the baby. It seems like this is what happened here, but don't want to speculate.

After feelings of ownership is feelings of abandonment. Whether real or not. My hope is that people here really do listen to things like this happening.

Other then that, just speechless......

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))), and wishing for a speedy recovery
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Old 07-05-2016, 04:38 PM
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Red

My heart breaks for this beautiful young mother and her family. I read the article, it was terrifying. This poor girl. Prayers going out to her for a speedy recovery. We can only hope this animal gets locked up for many years.
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Old 07-05-2016, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Lilro View Post
Red

My heart breaks for this beautiful young mother and her family. I read the article, it was terrifying. This poor girl. Prayers going out to her for a speedy recovery. We can only hope this animal gets locked up for many years.
Ro
I do pray he never sees the light of day. I simply don't think people like this can be rehabilitated to the point they could ever be in society. I also don't think there is a punishment long enough.....but I suppose I would be happy to hear he got life with no parole.
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Old 07-05-2016, 06:38 PM
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Hey peeps, I do appreciate the love and compassion on this thread. I do need to ask that any mention of fund raising be done via PM's, and with member that you know are adults. We have a lot of minors lurking and we can't be sending them off to fundraising sites.

thanks

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Old 07-05-2016, 07:32 PM
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Sorry, Mike, that's why I didn't post a link, even to the story that mentions it. I didn't think merely alluding to the fact that a site existed would be a problem. None of us here is sponsoring it--I just happened to stumble upon it in reading the news story.
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Old 07-05-2016, 07:41 PM
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No worries, Lexie

If it turns out to be an issue I will just edit out the reference to donations. Taking care of these little details is my job, you all can focus on recovery

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Old 07-05-2016, 09:29 PM
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You know, when you said that he was going through Anger management classes, to me it would have seemed like a good thing. My ex went to this thing called ACT. (Abuse Ceases Today). It was court mandated for 26 weeks.

I thought that was terrific !!!!! But it wasn't.......

What most of them learn there, is they are not as bad as someone else, or should I say, that is what my ex told me.

I don't know if I was reading steven stosny, or lundy bancroft at that time. The book told me that I should be able to call the place and let them know how things were going, they never called me.

I called them to let them know that my H (now ex) just verbally and emotionally abused me, and that if he didn't have to leave for that meeting I thing he would have physically abused me also.

This place told me that I was not their client, my ex was their client, and they couldn't discuss things with me.

I know this doesn't mean much. I think it only means if you really want DV to be more recognized we need to be taking more action about it.

Again, I am truly sorry.

(((((hugs)))))

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Old 07-05-2016, 10:21 PM
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Huh. My STBXAH learned from his alcoholism recovery group that he wasn't as bad as the rest of the people in the group, too. Lots of good that did.
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