keeppushing

Sorry this is a bit long, but I would appreciate it if you could help me with my question at the end. Thank you so much.

I haven't been here for a while. I find most posts helpful to my sobriety plan but for some reason there were a few that would trigger me so I stayed away. So here's hoping I got over that.

Unlike many here, I haven't been able to stop cold turkey. I slowly went from 7 days drinking a week, to 6 days, to 5 days until I actually reached 1 day drinking a week. My aim, of course, is 0 days, but I am ecstatic to have reached this point. Each time I dropped a day, it would be very difficult, but after several weeks it would become normal, and then I would work on the next day.

My only (current?) problem has been building connection with people. I work from home. I live in a country where alcohol is legal but the citizens frown upon it (it can destroy your career even if you have a glass of wine with dinner) and the expats by and large live on alcohol (the weekend all you can drink brunches are frightening). The other difficult thing is that I am in my forties and without children and everyone my age when they aren't drinking have lives that revolve solely around their children.

That leaves my wife, but we are facing a lot of serious challenges (not our marriage, just other things) and if I talk to her our troubles invariably come up, her anxiety levels go through the roof and things get far worse for me.

So I spend six days with little real human contact. What builds up is a feeling of isolation that is extremely painful. And I use that as the excuse to drink, especially as there are usually other sad bastards looking for connection at the bar. My therapist tells me it really isn't good to be so isolated, apparently one reason I have been compliant in going to the gym is that I view my trainer as someone to talk to. But I don't know what to do. Any ideas? Online solutions? Other ways to alleviate the isolation? I'm trying to use will power to get through, but a solution would be nice.

Thanks for listening.

ardy

mmm you have some very interesting parts of how to add 1 + 1 = 2
its legal to drink
but fowned upon by the people of the country..
you work from home so no real co-workers to chat with
you are a recovering whatever... and you wife have anxiety issues go nuts
and no children.... mmmm
kiddo you have family can you volunteer in your community for helping others for events that go on.. for school events for something that
is connected to what you do for a living...
can you do some workouts with your wife.. zumba yoga meditation with a group of others...
Iam trying to walk on hot coals here . and not step to hard..
do you like music do you and your wife cook together as you are home so much. building a strong tie with foods and music is a good start..
how about gardening even just small pots with growning things helps build a good connetion with others...
well just my take from my side of Wisconsin./.....

keeppushing

Ardy,

Thanks! I never thought of the music, I'll try that, it's fun and you can't really talk about serious stuff. And I know people who work at schools, I'll check with them about volunteering.

KP

Gottalife

AA? Just a thought.

Anna

I wonder if you can talk to your wife about things other than the serious challenges you are going through. Maybe there is an activity you could do together to help built a connection. I began taking long walks in recovery because I drank at home. Early on, my husband began walking with me and we gradually became much more connected about simple things. We began to notice homes in our neighborhood that were being renovated and started a kernel of a plan to buy a new place and renovate to our taste. It was a great bonding experience.

Another thing might be to try volunteer work in your community. I have found that I have a lot in common with other people who are helping out in the same way that I am.

keeppushing

Gottalife: AA is underground here. Thanks for the idea. Unless you know of something online that could work? I Googled, but couldn't.

Anna: Thanks. We tried the first route, works for 15 mins and the anxiety hits. As you and Ardy pointed, community volunteering could be a way forward, and I am exploring them.

OpenTuning

I don't know which country you're in, but clearly it's one where life for the local population does not revolve around alcohol. Only the life for expats. And working from home you feel isolated unless you socialise with those in the heavy drinking expat community.

I have experience of living abroad in what sounds like a vaguely similar environment. It wasn't until the last few weeks that I thought to start engaging with the local community instead of my fellow expats. And those last few weeks were some of the best of my time there. I deeply regretted not doing that sooner. I don't know if you're only there on a very short term basis, or longer term, but you may well find your life becomes enormously enriched if you find ways to start experiencing life more the way the local population lives it. Volunteering sounds like a great place to start. Are there lessons you could sign up for to learn the local language (assuming it's not English), and/or to learn local arts, crafts, sports or music? And/or you could volunteer to help teach English as a way to meet more locals and possibly form new friendships. Every country I've been in welcomes attempts by visitors or expats to learn about and integrate more into the local way of life. I'd be very surprised if your attempts at doing this weren't welcomed with open arms. Even if alcohol wasn't an issue this could be a very rewarding approach to your time there. And the fact you'd be unlikely to find yourself surrounded by drinkers is an excellent added bonus.

Meraviglioso

I am also living as an expat and I won't lie to you, after years of attempts I have only one or two people here I can call up as friends. However, I have found ways to be social by sharing my culture and language and engaging in the culture and language of Italy. I do English lessons (for pay) as well as volunteer at the school and the library teaching English. I have put on a large Thanksgiving meal for my little village at the local bar. I go to the various festivals and events in the village and talk to people there. It isn't what I really want- what I really want is some deep connections and real friendships like I had back home, but it does perk me up a bit to have some social connections. It is difficult to read tone online sometimes, so I'll just explain it clearly- the tone of my post is positive, I want to tell you that it is possible to have some of your social needs met while still not being all the way there with what you really would like to have. Just get out there, it is better than nothing.