All up in my head today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 153
All up in my head today
84 days sober. Been at this whole recovery thing for over 10 years off and off with multiple periods of clean time ranging from a few months to a year and a half. Got out of inpatient treatment (4th time) almost 2 months ago and living in a halfway house while going to IOP. Working a 12 step program, which I have done before. Having worked up to step 11, I know the positive benefits of the AA, CA, NA recovery communities.
Things have been generally good because I know I am doing the right thing. I have seriously had enough of drinking, using, and acting out. My last time out was terrible and I never want to go back to that level of despair.
Treatment set the table for improved spirituality, emotional insight, and strategies to cope with life on life's terms.
What's different this time? I am trying to abstain from all substances and behaviors that I consider part of my addiction. In the past people in the rooms and even therapists have told me to take it easy and focus on the substances first, not worrying so much about the behaviors. That strategy has not worked in the long run for me.
So stripping myself of all crutches is really hard. I think I am feeling it right now. However, I notice tendencies I saw in the past after the first few months - wanting to isolate, getting fed up with people, feeling sad about not being able to participate in festive activities where drinking is involved (even being around alcohol is not good for me right now). I know there are sober 4th of July parties and it's just one day but today I am feeling like crap so I wanted to share.
I find some solace in prayer and writing here. I know this is something I need to go through and not resorting to historical coping strategies that are unhealthy is a victory for me. Fear is what brings me down - fear that I will never find comfort in this world without leaning on substances or behaviors. I must have faith that staying on this path will provide rewards in the future. Going back only leads to replaying the same boring record.
Thanks SoberRecovery!
Things have been generally good because I know I am doing the right thing. I have seriously had enough of drinking, using, and acting out. My last time out was terrible and I never want to go back to that level of despair.
Treatment set the table for improved spirituality, emotional insight, and strategies to cope with life on life's terms.
What's different this time? I am trying to abstain from all substances and behaviors that I consider part of my addiction. In the past people in the rooms and even therapists have told me to take it easy and focus on the substances first, not worrying so much about the behaviors. That strategy has not worked in the long run for me.
So stripping myself of all crutches is really hard. I think I am feeling it right now. However, I notice tendencies I saw in the past after the first few months - wanting to isolate, getting fed up with people, feeling sad about not being able to participate in festive activities where drinking is involved (even being around alcohol is not good for me right now). I know there are sober 4th of July parties and it's just one day but today I am feeling like crap so I wanted to share.
I find some solace in prayer and writing here. I know this is something I need to go through and not resorting to historical coping strategies that are unhealthy is a victory for me. Fear is what brings me down - fear that I will never find comfort in this world without leaning on substances or behaviors. I must have faith that staying on this path will provide rewards in the future. Going back only leads to replaying the same boring record.
Thanks SoberRecovery!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: far away
Posts: 392
Hope it goes better for you this time that you've changed your recovery too.
I find certain behaviours just lead you right off track I've bn struggling with this Just now with anger and bereavement and the feelings of the **** it's coming over me too.
I know this will pass and too, and gotta keep faith that my higher power brought me this far in my life, do believe he has better in store for me.
Peace
I find certain behaviours just lead you right off track I've bn struggling with this Just now with anger and bereavement and the feelings of the **** it's coming over me too.
I know this will pass and too, and gotta keep faith that my higher power brought me this far in my life, do believe he has better in store for me.
Peace
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