gleefan

My step mother is an abusive alcoholic. I've been working through some of that in my own recovery from alcoholism.

She made me out to be a bad person. In spite of knowing she wasn't so nice, I was young (10, 11 y.o.) I became someone who felt "less than" the people around me in my life.

In recovery I've developed some clarity. I see her make stuff up, start arguments. I know I can't trust what she says or her perception of my dad or step sister to be true! I still spend time with her and my FOO, but I've been able to unentangle myself from her toxic dance.

I've also been able to use that newfound clarity to steer clear from other people who I feel "less than" when I'm around them. I no longer feel I have to put on airs or worry about what strangers think of me. This is SO FREEING. I never expected this kind of serenity and freedom when I stopped drinking two years ago!

I don't think she set out to ruin my life, but I think her behavior was reprehensible and my dad's codependency intolerable. As a young kid, I'd fight it but eventually they impressed upon me that the problem was me, not them. My question, what good does it do the abuser to make their target feel uncertain of their own worth? Why do they do it? Is it to keep the system of them being able to have temper tantrums in place so they can continue to have temper tantrums?

biminiblue

I believe it stems from their own self-hatred, their own feeling of being less than. If they put others down, it makes them feel superior.

At least that's the angle I've come up with after looking at my own FOO and their behaviors. It seems a pretty common human behavior, in general.

dandylion

gleefan...first of all, I want to say how impressed I am of the basic strength that you must have.....to have endured so m uch in your youth...and still be able to accomplish what you have....

I don't know your mother's motivations, of course...but it does so und to me like the basic thing that a lot of alcoholics (and damaged people) do.....
Leveling---putting others down to make themselves feel better...or...
to take the spotlight off of them selves and their drinking by drawing attention to someone else....
It also makes them (in their own mind) not responsible for their own actions......!

dandylion

SoberLeigh

Agreed, bim.

((((gleefan)))).

Liveitwell

^ agreed as well...my ex was that way-self hatred and insecurity masked by cocky arrogance and tearing others down to make himself feel superior. Spot on.

Yoga

Abusers abuse to keep control and get their needs met what ever those may be.

maia1234

Don't you find every time you bring something up with an A, that they turn it around on what you did. I agree with dandy. If you call them out, then they turn around and do it to you. You defend yourself and then the subject has changed off of them, on too you.

Leveling the playing field is so right. You are not any better then the A, because you have all these issues. Part of the addict Merry-go-round.

Glee, good for you for following the path and not engaging with your mom. You will never win anyway, so just give up.
Sending hugs my friend.

kittycat3

I have heard it said that abusive people feel so terrible inside themselves that they lash out at others to make them feel as bad as they do themselves.
I hope you continue to recover from the pain. Hugs.

biminiblue

I don't even think it has anything to do with wanting others to feel as bad. It is an inability to feel anything other than pain. It is being so wrapped up in one's own pain or issues that there is no room for recognizing other peoples' reactions as being important or even valid. It is not even knowing there is another way.

Steely

......and they don't even try. I've got one in my life and it's a losing battle. Your way is best.

So happy you have found some serenity.

August252015

Sounds like you are working hard to be healthy, and keep important family relationships on a plane that is good for you, glee. You benefit from all of that. Glad to hear it- as several have chimed in, a lot of us have similar experiences with a parent or step-parent or other immediate family member. Changing the dynamic is so tough - especially since we can only control ourselves.

Hugs.

gleefan

You guys are the best. Thanks for your insights.

As angry as I've been about my FOO's behavior, it's insidious, that's for sure. Part of my recovery has been recognizing my own glaring defects! It's humbling to realize that although I may never have meant to hurt anyone, maybe I did.

Hey just like they choose to steer clear of me, I can choose to steer clear of people whose behaviors hurt me

I'm 41 years old, married, with two kids of my own. I'm finally figuring out that I can stay away from people who hurt me, or even vaguely leave me feeling bad.

I just never saw that as an option. Instead I'd stick around - and complain about it and/or fight with them.

I finally made the connection that I was repeating the dynamic I had with my step mother.

I didn't know how to be happy. I know I'm one of the lucky ones.

kittycat3

Interesting. I could also describe a severely depressed person this way too, as being so wrapped up in themselves that they can't see others. Depressives can neglect their loved ones (a form of abuse) but when it progresses into physical, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse not sure it's just being wrapped up in it.
But maybe we'll agree to disagree

mylifeismine

It sounds like you would benefit greatly from ACA meetings, or maybe that
is something you are doing for your recovery? Adult children of alcoholics
will help you understand the long term effects from growing up in a dysfunctional home so that you are better able to live a happy and more meaningful life.

There is a lot of good information on their website also. Read "the problem", "the solution", and the "laundry list".

Bekindalways

When I reached my 30s, I started having adult meltdowns where anger would just take over. It was really horrible and I only did it to people I really loved. I always apologized afterwards.

It has been a really humbling experience. I come from a relatively happy background but family dysfunction has still left me with some wounds. I now look at folks acting horrible as acting out of some pain in their past. My own behavior has made me more forgiving but I too, choose not to be around a lot of folks.

Centered3

Abusers have a lot of self-hatred and they spew it onto everyone else. They can't blame themselves for their self-hate, so they blame everyone else, usually the weakest people closest to them. Abusers do not take accountability. They lash out, and blame others. They are ruled by their feelings.

Abusers feel "less than" deep inside, so they have to target others to make them feel less than, because it makes the abuser feel better about themselves. The abuser cannot let it be known that they feel "less than", so they have to fake acting "better than". I think its their form of protection.

She also likely keeps you feeling "less than" her, so she can control you and get what she wants. The temper tantrums are also a way for her to control others so she can get what she wants. Like a 2 year old child. If you give in the temper tantrums, she'll keep having them because she'll see they work. Or if you act scared around her when she has them, she also knows she has won.

You're in an incredibly healthy place if you can observe your step-mother as a 3rd party observer and see it for what it is.

Just sharing my thoughts/opinions based on experience with my FOO.

Try not to overthink how she behaves. One of the most helpful things my therapist ever said to me was, "You cannot expect rational behavior out of irrational people." Nor can you make much sense out of it.

Centered3

That's one of the most healthiest things I've ever read. You have amazing self-awareness and compassion for others, as well as your own healthy boundaries and limits. Just....wow.

Thanks for sharing.