It's like he died and this other guy stepped in his place...
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Join Date: May 2016
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It's like he died and this other guy stepped in his place...
I'm having so much trouble processing my emotions about my addicted brother. (I'm sorry, I just can't type "AB" much. If you've had loved ones in jail, you may get that.)
I almost wish I hadn't realized and stopped enabling.
I feel almost like he died, like the brother I loved so much is gone, yet I don't get to grieve. Grieving seems like giving up hope that he'll recover. But all of those things that the big brother whom I adored are gone, at least for now.
In his place is this cold, uncaring guy who brings chaos and pain with him any time he appears. I've seen him twice this week.
Once when he showed up at my parents' house (needing things). The tension was palpable when he walked in the room. I had to keep swallowing to keep from crying. He looks at us like we're attacking him, like he's this innocent victim who doesn't understand. I don't know if he doesn't understand or refuses to. (My parents gave him what he was needing, it wasn't money-related. No one said anything mean.) The other time, I got behind him on the road. He was veering off the shoulder of the road at times, all four tires in the oncoming lane at times.
He only, only, only comes around when he wants something. He didn't come see my dad for father's day. Today, we had a late father's day cookout. Of course, he didn't show up. My parents called and texted repeatedly. When it came time to eat, I overheard my dad asking my mom if I had called him. "He will come for her," he said. Nope. Not anymore. Not since I started saying no.
I almost wish I hadn't realized and stopped enabling.
I feel almost like he died, like the brother I loved so much is gone, yet I don't get to grieve. Grieving seems like giving up hope that he'll recover. But all of those things that the big brother whom I adored are gone, at least for now.
In his place is this cold, uncaring guy who brings chaos and pain with him any time he appears. I've seen him twice this week.
Once when he showed up at my parents' house (needing things). The tension was palpable when he walked in the room. I had to keep swallowing to keep from crying. He looks at us like we're attacking him, like he's this innocent victim who doesn't understand. I don't know if he doesn't understand or refuses to. (My parents gave him what he was needing, it wasn't money-related. No one said anything mean.) The other time, I got behind him on the road. He was veering off the shoulder of the road at times, all four tires in the oncoming lane at times.
He only, only, only comes around when he wants something. He didn't come see my dad for father's day. Today, we had a late father's day cookout. Of course, he didn't show up. My parents called and texted repeatedly. When it came time to eat, I overheard my dad asking my mom if I had called him. "He will come for her," he said. Nope. Not anymore. Not since I started saying no.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Weakgirl.....you sound like such a loving sister...and I know that your heart is aching......my heart goes out to you!
The addiction distorts them from the person you knew "before"....it really does....
Detachment is the only thing you can do....and, love them from a distance. You can't stop caring or loving...but, you have to do it from a distance because it hurts you so much..and doesn't help them!
It is best for him if the family stops enabling him.....and,pray that he reaches the point of clarity, some day......
all of us family members hurt the same way that your are...you certainly are not alone....
dandylion
The addiction distorts them from the person you knew "before"....it really does....
Detachment is the only thing you can do....and, love them from a distance. You can't stop caring or loving...but, you have to do it from a distance because it hurts you so much..and doesn't help them!
It is best for him if the family stops enabling him.....and,pray that he reaches the point of clarity, some day......
all of us family members hurt the same way that your are...you certainly are not alone....
dandylion
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It is important that you and your family carry on with family get togethers and to share joy....even when your brother is not there.
He is messed up in his head but he knows where real help is, and my prayers go out that one day soon he will surrender and embrace recovery as if his life depended on it, because it does.
It is natural to grieve to loss of the person we knew and loved, the person he used to be. But as long as he draws a breath, there is hope, I have seen some of the most hopeless of the hopeless find and embrace recovery. Some do, some take a long time, and some never do. We cannot put our own lives on hold waiting for them to claim theirs.
Hugs out to you and your family, it really hurts to watch our loved ones self destruct.
He is messed up in his head but he knows where real help is, and my prayers go out that one day soon he will surrender and embrace recovery as if his life depended on it, because it does.
It is natural to grieve to loss of the person we knew and loved, the person he used to be. But as long as he draws a breath, there is hope, I have seen some of the most hopeless of the hopeless find and embrace recovery. Some do, some take a long time, and some never do. We cannot put our own lives on hold waiting for them to claim theirs.
Hugs out to you and your family, it really hurts to watch our loved ones self destruct.
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Join Date: May 2016
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Thank y'all for the encouragement! After I posted this, I hoped no one would be offended by the comparison to a death. That's just what it feels like. We carry on and keep doing what we've always done, but there's emptiness without him. Next month is his birthday and we normally celebrate it with a full Thanksgiving type meal. He has been addicted for years, he's just angry because we've finally tried to stop enabling.
Which, what is enabling vs. normal helping is kind of hard for us to figure out at times. We've always been a share and share alike kind of family. In fact, growing up, all of the discretionary spending money went in a bowl on the coffee table and everyone took/contributed as needed. So cutting someone off is really, really hard.
This time, he needed to borrow my dad's trailer to move his stuff to storage. That seems like fairly normal help. Very few people have a huge trailer of their own. Of course, he wouldn't need to put his stuff in storage if he hadn't gotten evicted, which was because of his addiction. Ugh. What a tangled web. Anyway, that was my dad's decision, his trailer.
I guess time marches on... Thank you guys for being here!
Which, what is enabling vs. normal helping is kind of hard for us to figure out at times. We've always been a share and share alike kind of family. In fact, growing up, all of the discretionary spending money went in a bowl on the coffee table and everyone took/contributed as needed. So cutting someone off is really, really hard.
This time, he needed to borrow my dad's trailer to move his stuff to storage. That seems like fairly normal help. Very few people have a huge trailer of their own. Of course, he wouldn't need to put his stuff in storage if he hadn't gotten evicted, which was because of his addiction. Ugh. What a tangled web. Anyway, that was my dad's decision, his trailer.
I guess time marches on... Thank you guys for being here!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I doubt anyone would be offended about comparing the grief of loss here to death.
My son is leading a life that very well may lead to an early death, by drug or by the violent life style that goes with addiction. That's a very real fact I have had to face for many years. He lived at home when he overdosed twice, almost dying both times.
When I made the decision to turn his care and his life over to God, something I do each morning in prayer, that includes the possibility that God may call him home.
Grief is natural for us who watch our loved ones self-destruct. The healing comes only after the grief has been processed.
Hugs
My son is leading a life that very well may lead to an early death, by drug or by the violent life style that goes with addiction. That's a very real fact I have had to face for many years. He lived at home when he overdosed twice, almost dying both times.
When I made the decision to turn his care and his life over to God, something I do each morning in prayer, that includes the possibility that God may call him home.
Grief is natural for us who watch our loved ones self-destruct. The healing comes only after the grief has been processed.
Hugs
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I almost wish I hadn't realized and stopped enabling.
Grieving seems like giving up hope that he'll recover.
I'm hoping that one day I can work through the anger and get to a place of compassion NOT pity. I believe pity can play into an addict's victim mentality, and I pitied my sister for way too long. I protected her from her own lousy choices and took her lies at face value. And sometimes she blames us for not believing in her enough to make her own mistakes.
We've always been a share and share alike kind of family.
However, I think in my family there's also the assumption that you just don't take something because it's offered to you. The system goes all akimbo when one just takes and takes and takes.
I wish I had sage advice, but I can only offer acknowledgement from one sibling to another. Love can be so hard.
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Big hug to you all on this thread.
WG, not offense taken at comparing addiction to death. It is indeed a death and in some ways the hope that still lives makes it even more painful (Hmm . . . does this make sense?)
WG, not offense taken at comparing addiction to death. It is indeed a death and in some ways the hope that still lives makes it even more painful (Hmm . . . does this make sense?)
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
Big hug to you all on this thread.
WG, not offense taken at comparing addiction to death. It is indeed a death and in some ways the hope that still lives makes it even more painful (Hmm . . . does this make sense?)
WG, not offense taken at comparing addiction to death. It is indeed a death and in some ways the hope that still lives makes it even more painful (Hmm . . . does this make sense?)
For me, it was like watching the walking dead.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
I'm stuck at anger. Judgmental, righteous anger.
culture prides itself on generosity and hospitality... However, I think in my family there's also the assumption that you just don't take something because it's offered to you. The system goes all akimbo when one just takes and takes and takes.
culture prides itself on generosity and hospitality... However, I think in my family there's also the assumption that you just don't take something because it's offered to you. The system goes all akimbo when one just takes and takes and takes.
Oh, I have the anger, too. If I'm not crying about him, I'm ready to just march up to him and dress him down. I know they're both destructive, so I resist letting him see either. But, yes, I feel you on the judgmental, righteous anger.
I've gone from Mrs. Good Vibes to Mrs. Judgy McJudgerston. That's not who I want to be, but I think it's part of the grief.
I have a hard time separating the person and the addiction behaviors, I guess. I mean if it wasn't HIM who skipped Father's Day, then showed up wanting just days later, just WHO was it? Even acknowledging it as a disease doesn't seem to make that easier for me. I mean, I have literal psychosis, I understand mental illness. BUT... So, that's why I'm still on Step 1, I suppose.
Hugs to alllll of you here! Thank you all for being here... I'm sorry you understand.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Big hug to you all on this thread.
WG, not offense taken at comparing addiction to death. It is indeed a death and in some ways the hope that still lives makes it even more painful (Hmm . . . does this make sense?)
WG, not offense taken at comparing addiction to death. It is indeed a death and in some ways the hope that still lives makes it even more painful (Hmm . . . does this make sense?)
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My daughter is a recovering IV opiate addict for several years now.
I was in a really dark place a few times, where I actually wished she was dead so the agony would end. In a strange twisted way that few people will ever understand, the girl I knew was gone forever and not ever coming back. Not even in recovery.
The young woman who eventually found recovering was different and even better. Parts of her had to die, because those parts are what lead her to addiction in the first place. It's like she was miraculously reborn.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, and that your brother experiences the miracle too.
I was in a really dark place a few times, where I actually wished she was dead so the agony would end. In a strange twisted way that few people will ever understand, the girl I knew was gone forever and not ever coming back. Not even in recovery.
The young woman who eventually found recovering was different and even better. Parts of her had to die, because those parts are what lead her to addiction in the first place. It's like she was miraculously reborn.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, and that your brother experiences the miracle too.
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Join Date: May 2016
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Chino,
The tears are rolling. I so hope we all get to see our loved ones experience that miracle. The man who is being smothered by my brother's addiction is such a great guy, it really is a loss to the world. Really.
Thank you!
The tears are rolling. I so hope we all get to see our loved ones experience that miracle. The man who is being smothered by my brother's addiction is such a great guy, it really is a loss to the world. Really.
Thank you!
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Originally Posted by Plink
Weakgirl.......
You are so right!!! I say "it's like my son died" but, no one comforts me!!!! No one asks, we try not to talk about him....he's gone and I am not allowed to grieve his absence!!!
You are so right!!! I say "it's like my son died" but, no one comforts me!!!! No one asks, we try not to talk about him....he's gone and I am not allowed to grieve his absence!!!
Hugs and love coming your way!!! The same to everyone here. I care. Really.
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