Sunshine1234

Today I went food shopping and a feeling of sadness came over me. What is he eating, is he even eating? I used to cook dinner for him every night and took care of him. He took "care" of me financially but not responsibly. Then I was angry also because I'm depending on my parents now to help support me and my kids. I'm so thankful I have a career as a nurse that I can fall back on. I just want to spend these precious years with my kids as they are only 4 months and 3 years. Will he take that away from me too because I may have to go to work full time now? UGH! On top of the substance abuse (suboxone, alcohol, adderall, Xanax...who knows what else) he is in lots of financial trouble with thousands of back owed child support with two other kids he has from previous relationships. He always told me he would take care of these responsibilities but in the 5 years we were together he didn't and even got arrested for not paying. Why did I allow someone like this in my life and to be the father of our two amazing children?! They will never have a role model in him and how do I explain to them when they are older why things happened the way they did?

AnvilheadII

when they are older, you will have the right words. its a lot to get your head around right now.

notice how the thought pattern went.....first, automatically still to HIM first.....in your role as caretaker.....then anger for the current situation....in your role as adult temporarily dependent upon your folks....then to your kids, and the time you DO get to spend with them NOW.....in your role as mother.

pretty soon the order of things will shift......he won't be your very first thought. you won't worry so about him. that worry will dissipate.

treasure this time with your kids. it IS a blessing. all the rest will sort itself out.

Ann

Embrace the blessing that your parents can help you right now, as Anvil said, enjoy your children and take care of today. The future will unfold as it may, but today you have children and are all in a safe and peaceful place.

Hugs

Hechosedrugs

I'm so sorry, Sunshine. I'm in the same boat. I was a SAHM and homeschooled my boys. Now I'm having to give up everything I believed so much in- they'll be going to public school and I'll be working full time while my STBX gets to sit on his a$$ and keep drugging it up (he's a veteran and collects SSDI and retirement.) It's so unfair- even if I get full custody I feel like he'll still get to see them more than me, because on my days they'll be in day care. And that's if I'm lucky enough to find a job- I'm having a heck of a time so far. I know what you mean about being angry at yourself for not choosing a better man to procreate with- but then again, we wouldn't have these angels if not for them, right?

Wishing you peace and healing.