LovelyKaya33333

I am going to write as candid as I can... I just had a total meltdown. I don't know why... I guess i kind of know why. I had a decent day today. I met with an amazing client and landed the project. I felt inspired after that. Later on in the afternoon I ran out of data on my phone and I had to go through all my pictures to decide which ones to delete to make room. A lot of my pictures were screen shots of our texts convos from the past year. I read them. I got angry so so so angry.... He was telling me how much he loved me..how I was the perfect match for him...how he knew god meant for us to meet...how he knew that men in the past had taken me for granted and he hoped he could be as there for me as I had been there for him... I remember how in love I felt reading those...It brought back so much. I still was able to go out to dinner and watch TV but as the night got longerI crumbled.... I literally cried on the floor of my bathroom. I kicked the wall like a 5 year old having a tantrum... I actually put a hole in the wall... I have never done that before... I yelled at God... and in the end I realize I miss my best friend ( the person he pretended to be ) I miss the person who I talked to on the phone until I could hear his car pull up in the driveway... and we would keep talking... I miss watching TV with him at night and always wanting to know his opinion about stuff... God I miss him before he I guess really became him... It feels like a cruel joke.... The person I fell in love with isn't there anymore and whether or not he's an ******* or an activeA or whatever ... It doesn't change the fact that at one point I was in love with a man that I no longer get to talk to or touch anymore.... Thanks for listening...I still can't stop crying... I thought I was doing better

dandylion

Kaya....you say that you" thought you were doing better".....
Welll, maybe that could be how you define "better" for this time in the process.(between 2 and 3 wks.?).
Anger is one of the grieving emotions......
Anger is one way that pain is expressed....You know that I have always endorsed the "wailing wall" ......lol...though I recommend being away from solid objects,,,,;because, it is not desirable to damage one's own things...

In my own painful breakup with a boyfriend....for the longest time, I would perform spectacularly in the workplace, during the day....and, late at night I would be a hot mess....crying in my bedroom with a swollen face...crying while I listened to "Purple Rain" on my tapes, over and over. .....
I am sure that the people that I helped during the day would have been horrified to see me as I exorcised the pain from myself, late at night....

This morning...nobody is hurt...and, the Earth is still rotating o n it's axis....
And, at least you are not still in the belly of the beast lapping from the tainted saucer of milk!! That is progress.....
Getting from day to day, in one piece, I think, should be your main goal, at this time....
This is all a part of the process that will, in the end, heal you....

dandylion

Hawkeye13

Yes, getting angry is part of it. . . believe it or not,
you may find yourself feeling better for longer periods of time this week.

It's sort of like draining an infected wound--the pressure and toxic
stuff pours out, and the wound can get air and start to scab.
Gross but true. . . keep posting and get the feeling felt Kaya

redatlanta

You are doing better.

Not a bad thing, sorry you kicked a hole in your wall. The pics and texts needed to be deleted anyway.

Grieving is a process. First you have more bad days. Then it becomes half and half, then you have more good days.

Requires a little patience, though I know it is frustrating.

Ariesagain

You deleted all those texts and photos, right?

Reliving the past after a certain point will just start the grieving all over again. For now, absolutely, grieve anyway you need to. The man you loved may have been a mirage, but dreams die hard, too.

You said you have gone through this before? Do you remember how you got through it the last time?

Sending you a hug.

LexieCat

Agreed. "Better" is that you were able to function well and enjoy your day--something you haven't been able to do.

I promise you, the day will come when you are shaking your head as you relate these stories to someone else and tell them how different, and great, your life has become.

There is just no way around the sucky part.

It might help you a bit to focus on gratitude for the great day you had today, instead of fretting over the crappy evening. I hope you deleted the screenshots?

Hugs,

August252015

"There is no way around the sucky part." - Lexie Cat

So true.

I am so sorry for your heartbreak- I can relate very much to a lot of it- especially the loving texts part. My ex and I were huge writers, in all forms, from text to short stories for each other. My situation was not the same as yours but the losing and missing and grieving part was.

Hang in there, LK. Crying is good and smiling will come back.

LovelyKaya33333

I deleted everything. it felt like i was deleting the last memories of the man I really loved... I decided i am going to sleep as long as I want today. i just took 2 tylenol pms and i am not getting out of bed until i am ready. at least i haven't been drinking alcohol. i have an alanon meeting at 4 pm... thats the only obligation i am giving to myself today

LexieCat

The deletions were a good thing. You want to focus on what IS, not what (you thought) once was. Maybe he really meant those things at the time he said them, but that's really irrelevant to where you are right now.

And your plan for the day sounds good--rest up and then get to your meeting. I've rarely had a meeting that didn't make me feel at least a LITTLE better than I did when I walked in.

sosadandhurt

I understand where you are at in your life exactly. Because in the midst of all the chaos there was love and tenderness too. There were amazing times and days that I cant get out of my head. I can't stop wondering what he is doing and if he is enjoying his days without me. I miss the inside jokes that we would look at each other and laugh about and no body else knew what was so funny. I miss being able to go to the next room and see him there. Even in my crazy head I think that it would be ok if he was drunk, at least he would be here. Ugh, I hate this stupid disease and the projection of blame on everyone else but themselves and the ability that they have to make us think that it is our fault. That if I would have just shut my mouth and kept my thoughts to myself, things would be back to normal, and normal is crazy I know. I just want so bad to get past this and wake up and think of myself for a change. So, hang in there, because you are not alone.

Elyse16

Hugs Kaya (sorry called you Kayla in a previous post). You just wrote my entire morning. I, too, was looking at pic texts and deleting and came across all the good ones, some from three weeks ago. You're stronger than me Bc I couldn't delete the good ones. Not yet anyway. I read some very toxic arguments and I felt a sense of relief to know I'm not ever going back to that. It's hard. Im at the same timeline you are and I want to hear his voice, see his face, and fall asleep in his arms again. But those glimpses of the clearheaded man are far and few between. Otherwise, why would we be here. I feel your pain and I wish I knew what to say to help you. The strongest and best thing we did for ourselves was walk away. I keep telling myself that and it makes it a little better. Keep your strength. Kick, scream, cry - it helps. Hugs.

Lonelyhearts2

I'm struggling with this as well..about 2-3 weeks no contact.. Thinking that if only he didn't do this or that, then things would've worked out. It does makes me angry that he couldn't have just been a better partner and person. Last night before I fell asleep I kept crying, remembering things he said to me. I have to keep reminding myself that even though there were good times, the bad times outweighed them, and I deserve someone sober.. and nicer.. And more respectful. Overall he was just a selfish and immature person and I have to keep that in mind.