Tell me it gets easier
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Southgate, MI
Posts: 30
Tell me it gets easier
I'm so consumed with wanting to contact him. It's been two weeks. Ive blocked all fb. I've blocked the phone. I don't know how to block email but he hasn't contacted me since last Thursday by text of which I ignored, even though it was benign and said he understood if I preferred no contact.
Why do I want to reach out? I went out with friends yesterday but I didn't have a good time. I'm not happy. I want to isolate myself Bc I feel better alone than when I force myself to go out and be with supportive people. I was never much of a social person to begin with so normally I prefer alone time. He did too. Our favorite times were just the two of us together talking and laughing. He wasn't a fall down drunk or abusive. But he was changing into someone I didn't like. I know I yearn for the times when he was normal. Those were the best. He's not normal now and reaching out would only cause more havoc for me. I hear he's heartbroken and I've asked the person who was telling me what he's doing to stop Bc it doesn't help me. Although a little bit of me feels better knowing he's hurting too.
Today I have to tell my dad about what happened. He will be supportive like he always is and tell me I did the right thing. But it hurts so bad. I miss him like crazy. I keep telling myself I miss the rare glimpses of the real person he used to be. I am devastated that a future we planned and looked forward to together is gone forever.
I ordered the book Codependent No More. I'm hoping this will help me. This group and posts I read helps a lot. I'm amazed at how much I can relate. I wish I had found this group sooner.
I don't have a lot of hobbies. I've let a lot of them go since my husband passed away and I could never get back into anything. I mostly looked forward to traveling to see my Abf twice a month or him coming here. But even then, he never wanted to do anything fun. He was so depressed and just wanted to hole up in his room alone away from everyone. I know that the bottle is his best friend and he confided in me once he was afraid to let it go Bc it made him feel normal. We used to do fun things. I always made sure when he came to visit me that we had fun things to do. The last 6 months, he went along but just didn't seem to be having fun. When we were together, we had good talks. When apart, we tore at each other. I broke up with him two months ago for 6 hours and I called him a bunch of nasty names and told him to go drink himself to death. That hurt him terribly and he was never able to forgive me for saying that and threw it in my face at every turn. Trust me, I felt terrible the minute I said it. And now I feel guilty that that's what he is doing. And Bc we now know he has severe liver damage, I will feel horrible if he dies.
I have no children. Just a dog whom I love. How do you get by? What do you do to keep yourself going and how do I get rid of this overwhelming feeling that I need to contact him?
Any thoughts would greatly help me.
Elyse
Why do I want to reach out? I went out with friends yesterday but I didn't have a good time. I'm not happy. I want to isolate myself Bc I feel better alone than when I force myself to go out and be with supportive people. I was never much of a social person to begin with so normally I prefer alone time. He did too. Our favorite times were just the two of us together talking and laughing. He wasn't a fall down drunk or abusive. But he was changing into someone I didn't like. I know I yearn for the times when he was normal. Those were the best. He's not normal now and reaching out would only cause more havoc for me. I hear he's heartbroken and I've asked the person who was telling me what he's doing to stop Bc it doesn't help me. Although a little bit of me feels better knowing he's hurting too.
Today I have to tell my dad about what happened. He will be supportive like he always is and tell me I did the right thing. But it hurts so bad. I miss him like crazy. I keep telling myself I miss the rare glimpses of the real person he used to be. I am devastated that a future we planned and looked forward to together is gone forever.
I ordered the book Codependent No More. I'm hoping this will help me. This group and posts I read helps a lot. I'm amazed at how much I can relate. I wish I had found this group sooner.
I don't have a lot of hobbies. I've let a lot of them go since my husband passed away and I could never get back into anything. I mostly looked forward to traveling to see my Abf twice a month or him coming here. But even then, he never wanted to do anything fun. He was so depressed and just wanted to hole up in his room alone away from everyone. I know that the bottle is his best friend and he confided in me once he was afraid to let it go Bc it made him feel normal. We used to do fun things. I always made sure when he came to visit me that we had fun things to do. The last 6 months, he went along but just didn't seem to be having fun. When we were together, we had good talks. When apart, we tore at each other. I broke up with him two months ago for 6 hours and I called him a bunch of nasty names and told him to go drink himself to death. That hurt him terribly and he was never able to forgive me for saying that and threw it in my face at every turn. Trust me, I felt terrible the minute I said it. And now I feel guilty that that's what he is doing. And Bc we now know he has severe liver damage, I will feel horrible if he dies.
I have no children. Just a dog whom I love. How do you get by? What do you do to keep yourself going and how do I get rid of this overwhelming feeling that I need to contact him?
Any thoughts would greatly help me.
Elyse
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Elyse....in a nutshell....whenever you break the bonds of attachment....a person goes through a grieving process...and, if the relationship was important to you and you invested a part of your self....the grieving can be intense and extraordinarily painful...
It is a process that takes much longer than 2 weeks. the first 6wks are just awful....and then it waxes and wanes for the better part of a year....as one feels progressively better in dribs and drabs....
What you are feeling is normal, I think.....but I know how hard it is.....
Remember, that it won't feel like this forever!
It is a process that takes much longer than 2 weeks. the first 6wks are just awful....and then it waxes and wanes for the better part of a year....as one feels progressively better in dribs and drabs....
What you are feeling is normal, I think.....but I know how hard it is.....
Remember, that it won't feel like this forever!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Big, big, big hug to you Elyse. The pain of such a break up is truly truly extraordinary. Yes it does get better but it takes time. Each breath, moment and day with no contact is like layering a cobweb thin layer of healing on your soul. It is hardly discernible but it is there.
Congrats on taking the steps you have to take care of yourself: talking to your Dad, posting here and ordering Codependent No More. Have you tried an Alanon meeting? I also recommend the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love. ; it's the best I have ever found on grieving.
Take extra good care of yourself: eat well, get some exercise and stay hydrated; sometimes this is all you can do at this point in your life.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Congrats on taking the steps you have to take care of yourself: talking to your Dad, posting here and ordering Codependent No More. Have you tried an Alanon meeting? I also recommend the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love. ; it's the best I have ever found on grieving.
Take extra good care of yourself: eat well, get some exercise and stay hydrated; sometimes this is all you can do at this point in your life.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I found that volunteer work helped me to focus on doing other things and not stay stuck inside my head, plus it made me feel less down. Are there things you used to do that you could start doing again through volunteer work? You have a dog you love - would working with a rescue or adoption center have interest for you?
The other thing I found really helped my mood was physical activity. Long walks - hikes - runs- bike rides anything like that seems to naturally elevate my mood. I can actually feel the difference if I go a day or two without such activity.
I know it is really hard, but you are doing great. Little by little it really does get easier and soon you will find yourself in a much better place.
The other thing I found really helped my mood was physical activity. Long walks - hikes - runs- bike rides anything like that seems to naturally elevate my mood. I can actually feel the difference if I go a day or two without such activity.
I know it is really hard, but you are doing great. Little by little it really does get easier and soon you will find yourself in a much better place.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Oh I totally relate to you
I am sending you such a big hug. I know exactly how you feel. I am here too... Everyone keeps saying it gets easier and thats what we have to believe. I had my first moment of peace last night... I have to believe it will get easier I just have to..it will for me and it will for you. No contact is key I have found...fresh wounds come from any contact... love and hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Lots and lots of Alanon meetings. I highly recommend it when trying to move on from my drug which is alcholics. For some reason having a relationship with healthy people just doesn't seem attractive to me. I'm far more comfortable when I'm in a miserable relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict-- except for having a ****** life.
The moment a woman tells me she has good relationships with friends and family, a good life, a good job, and things she loves to do she could look like a super model and I would not be attracted to her. Now a ****** up single mother who can't hold a job? Sign me up!!!
The moment a woman tells me she has good relationships with friends and family, a good life, a good job, and things she loves to do she could look like a super model and I would not be attracted to her. Now a ****** up single mother who can't hold a job? Sign me up!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Elyse,
It gets better. Each small step you make will help. Time just passing will help.
You have good advice here. I definitely can vouch for physical activity. One way I dealt with my alcoholic relationship was running and walking. Pop your dog in the car and go explore some new places to walk. I recommend Couch to 5K if you want to start running. Local running stores usually have great running groups and support too. Although I've definitely invested time and money with counseling, working the 12 steps and numerous recovery books, wearing out running shoes is by far the best return on investment.
Go find your peaceful spot in the mitten.
It gets better. Each small step you make will help. Time just passing will help.
You have good advice here. I definitely can vouch for physical activity. One way I dealt with my alcoholic relationship was running and walking. Pop your dog in the car and go explore some new places to walk. I recommend Couch to 5K if you want to start running. Local running stores usually have great running groups and support too. Although I've definitely invested time and money with counseling, working the 12 steps and numerous recovery books, wearing out running shoes is by far the best return on investment.
Go find your peaceful spot in the mitten.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
E,
You have to feel the pain, it is part of the healing process. Our addicts just numb themselves with their drug of choice. Maybe if your addict is so upset, he will evaluate his life and get some help, but maybe he won't. Addiction is progressive, he will only get worse and you don't have to sit and witness it first hand.
The pain is your part of healing, feeling the burn. The process takes a very long time. I divorced a year and a half ago after 34 years with my addict. Up to two weeks ago, post divorce, I still wanted to be there for him, just in case he needed me to show him where to find a rehab facility. Crazy huh???
It finally lifted, that sense that I was the only one that cared enough and could truly help him. (I was shown a pix of him with his new gf, is what really did it, I felt God made me look) after that, a calming peace came over me. It took a very long time to get here. I took my time, and I am ok. I did not force a solution like I usually do. Be patient with yourself, it will come, but it might take longer then you hope.
Sending hugs my friend, like an addict, take one day at a time.
You have to feel the pain, it is part of the healing process. Our addicts just numb themselves with their drug of choice. Maybe if your addict is so upset, he will evaluate his life and get some help, but maybe he won't. Addiction is progressive, he will only get worse and you don't have to sit and witness it first hand.
The pain is your part of healing, feeling the burn. The process takes a very long time. I divorced a year and a half ago after 34 years with my addict. Up to two weeks ago, post divorce, I still wanted to be there for him, just in case he needed me to show him where to find a rehab facility. Crazy huh???
It finally lifted, that sense that I was the only one that cared enough and could truly help him. (I was shown a pix of him with his new gf, is what really did it, I felt God made me look) after that, a calming peace came over me. It took a very long time to get here. I took my time, and I am ok. I did not force a solution like I usually do. Be patient with yourself, it will come, but it might take longer then you hope.
Sending hugs my friend, like an addict, take one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
I echo others when they say life gets
better. You become healthier. You
become more self assured. A quiet
confidence within yourself with each
passing day we remain sober or clean.
We begin to clear away the clutter
from the past, the baggage we have
carried for so long weighing heavy
on our minds, hearts, physical body.
We begin to build a stronger, solid
foundation to live our lives upon in
recovery. The stronger solid it is with
each step we take, with each stone
we place, the more stable and confident
we feel in our lives and recovery.
With Faith, hope and love in our
lives then we can conquer many
things and enjoy the gifts provided
to us in life and recovery.
better. You become healthier. You
become more self assured. A quiet
confidence within yourself with each
passing day we remain sober or clean.
We begin to clear away the clutter
from the past, the baggage we have
carried for so long weighing heavy
on our minds, hearts, physical body.
We begin to build a stronger, solid
foundation to live our lives upon in
recovery. The stronger solid it is with
each step we take, with each stone
we place, the more stable and confident
we feel in our lives and recovery.
With Faith, hope and love in our
lives then we can conquer many
things and enjoy the gifts provided
to us in life and recovery.
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