ch76

Can't live without them ! So I got back together with the alcoholic in May in a long distance relationship. The distance is giving me the detachment I need. However, she's piling on the pressure for me to move in with her (again). We lived together for a year near Leicester but her alcoholism got too much. She moved 3 hrs away after we split. We've seen eachother every other weekend and other odd days between and we largely have a great time. But she is still drinking albeit much improved. I've told her that I need her to be teetotal for a year until I feel ready to leave a secure job and move even further away from my teenage kids. Every time I leave to come home she says it breaks her heart and if I love her and trust her that I would move mountains to be with her. I do love her and I'm currently going to al-anon to help me separate the illness from the person but moving in with her with the memories of our last cohabitation feels a big ask. She says that she wont stop drinking but assures me the madness of the past will never happen again. I believe that she means it, and yes her drinking is improved, but I can't trust the disease when she's not on any program. It could escalate at any moment. Both our hearts are breaking because she won't stop drinking and I won't move house and job while she keeps drinking. What a mess

suki44883

You CAN live without them, and you should. She wants YOU to make all the sacrifices and do all the giving. She wouldn't be changing a thing and would be getting what she wants. Alcoholism is progressive and never gets better unless the addict seeks help. She is telling you straight up that she won't quit drinking. Why would you consider going back to what you left before?

dandylion

ch76....I have total confidence in the truth of this statement: She hasn't stopped drinking and tells you that she won't---thus, moving in with her would be ushering yourself through the doors of HELL, once again.

Sorry......

dandylion

Ambuler

She should be willing to move mountains as well, and she's obviously not. Her drinking has improved?? Not drinking would be the improvement....Stay put.

ch76

"She should be willing to move mountains as well, and she's obviously not. Her drinking has improved?? Not drinking would be the improvement....Stay put."

Bingo !! Back of the net !! Thank you

Bekindalways

Yep, you would wind up in constant competition with her true love, alcohol. None of us will ever win that contest.

AnvilheadII

she is still drinking and trying to manipulate you into moving in and taking on the role of Chief Enabler. she put you through a LOT last year, and here ya are, coming back for more......she may TALK a good game but what has really changed???

LexieCat

Just one other thought. Many, many alcoholics can "improve" for discrete periods of time. It means NOTHING. When I was drinking I could "control" it when it served my purpose to do so, though I couldn't maintain that control on an ongoing or long-term basis.

So my guess is as much as she loves your company, her alcoholic self is counting the minutes till you leave and she can drink the way she wants to.

HopingForCure

Hi LexieCat, I would love to learn more about your path to recovery. Is there a particular post that has details? Your comment about how alcoholics can "improve" for discrete periods of time makes perfect sense because I have seen this pattern in my ex.

LexieCat

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-my-story.html It doesn't go into a whole lot of detail about that, but I could keep my drinking on a "short leash" for as long as a few weeks at a time, if something important was going on. It didn't keep the disease from progressing--it just kept getting worse all that time.