getright15

I'm currently on step 9. I spent the last couple of sessions with my sponsor going over this and how to prepare myself when attempting to make amends. I started today with my mother in law as the first phone call. Overall it went well which was a good way to kinda end the night as we havent really talked in a long time, but on the other hand my wife and I went to couples counseling this evening. Not good I can tell you that. I get I have betrayed her trust in many areas. I acknowledge everytime it comes up as a topic. So of course it comes up today as a topic in therapy. How many times and different ways can a man say he is" sorry; I wish the things I did never happened; I regret everything I did to you hurt you" ? I know I've messed up a lot in my life, and its involved the people that I'm closest to. She has been there for me in many ways as I have for her. I don't expect her to get over things any time soon. I got in super defense mode naturally when feeling attacked. I was trying to focus on what I've learned so far concerning my 12 step program. I'm really frustrated with the things I've done over the years, what has happened in result of it. I really don't even know how to feel at the moment because it was pretty much us telling each other what we won't deal with anymore. I can't live the rest of my life with someone never trusting me and being questioned about pretty much everything. I get it I ruined the trust. I know that. Do I really spend the next 20+ years living like that? I'm attempting to do something about all of my mistakes. I know she hurt. I understand that. She thinks I dont care...now that I dont get. I think any human being with get tired of having the same conversation almost every day.

I'm working my program for me and to straighten my life out as I want to stay sober. I'm 56 days now and counting. Today was a real test. I know tomorrow will be even the more so as well. I really don't know what to do sometimes.

Soberwolf

Sorry today was a tough day try to remember how lucky you are that your wife still wants to be with you your doing great on 56 days it won't always be like this

if being sober forever feels better than a day at a time then roll with that ?

IvanMike

The biggest part of making amends is living differently. That takes a lifetime.

Show me where it says in step 9 where it says "...and they forgave us".

Don't worry, they often do, but not in 56 days.

Take a deep breath, at 56 days you're supposed to be a basket case.

One day at a time doesn't feel like it's working. Then at some point you start to notice that you feel a lot different, and that things are a lot different. This takes time.

I've had huge changes, but none of them felt all that dramatic in the moment. The stuff that I'm working on now is going as slow as molasses too, but I have the confidence that I'll get better in those areas because I have experience in a lot of other areas of recovery.

The difference between you and me is that I have more experience.

Keep at it, you're doing fine. Glad you stuck around.

getright15

I haven't done my amends with my wife yet. The MIL was the first person and only person I got in contact with today. I didnt ask her to forgive me. She was glad I finally reached out as its been almost 2 years since we had a conversation not by text.

Yeah, I'm thinking all kinds of stuff right now, none of it really good. Just really frustrated with life in general., but it is what it is. I'm here living life on life's terms right now and every day moving forward.

sugarbear1

Have you learned about your self-centeredness and selfishness in the other steps? Now we begin to be more useful to others......

Fly N Buy

56 daze is great - good start!!


The reality is that saying I was sorry and the action of being remorseful are different. Nothing can compensate for sober time - that, I have experienced is how I make amends to those loved ones around me.

At 2+ years sober I have learned how the action of amends is manifested.
One day at a time is indeed the daily action we take. Time has meaning in this context. Words really don't has been my experience.

There's a big difference between gaining humility and rolling around in the muck. Humility is thinking of ourselves less not thinking less of ourselves.


For an alcoholic like me that takes a lifetime - one day at a time.

Keep coming back

Dee74

It really will take time for all the fences to be mended getitright...we can't tell our loved ones when to forgive us...all we can do is keep doing the right thing and keep working towards being the person we know we can be.

I know it's tough but the alternative is going back to drinking and that's not alternative at all.

D

thomas11

56 days is fantastic getitright. I will state the obvious, you can't drink. I've followed your journey and it has been a wild ride. Its 4th of July...in Vegas no less, woo hoo. Forget it. Its over rated.

digdug

I would talk to your sponsor again about what amends actually are.

Amends are not about how many ways you can say that you are sorry. Amends are about how you can make things right. For relationships that were negatively affected by our drinking, that's usually done through living amends, i.e., your actions on a daily basis. You need to accept that it's going to take a while for your sober actions to start having a positive effect on your relationships. For many of us, it's taken years to repair the damage drinking alcoholically did on our relationships. Some people never come around. That is not in our control. But what is in our control is staying sober and to keep trying on a daily basis to show that we are not the same person we were when we were drinking.

entropy1964

I do relate to how you feel. I've been there....I'm sure many many alcoholics have.

I would recommend shifting how you view your amends. If you're doing them to receive forgiveness, you're doing them for the wrong reasons.

Your wife is still there. Could take years for her to 'trust' again and she may never trust you the way she did. Can you live with that? Dunno. But don't make rash decisions based on 'easing' your conscience. Hang in there.

tomsteve

ODAAT is working.
just not how you think it should.
all of the promises of the materialize in Gods time. you aren't God( yeah, that sucked when I heard that, but it helped me).

clearing away the wreckage- 9th step- is a LOT more than admitting our faults. its changing our actions,too, which people had absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe a dam thing just because I admitted my faults.
its been then actions ive shown- action with the right motive- that has made it possible for my family to trust me again.

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.


yup, sometimes theres trudging.

Carpathia

Thanks for posting.

I'm learning about different demonstrations amends can take.

Yet they all seem to have one thing in common: acknowledging the ways our self-centeredness and fear have damaged the relationship and working to change ourselves (not the other person).

When I was newly sober, I had no idea what people in AA meant when they said I had to "clean my side of the street."

Only with time and taking the suggestions of those with good sobriety was I able, finally, to understand. And it's about learning humility.

I'm at 2.5 years sober and recovery for me hasn't been fast like I wanted it to be, and it hasn't been easy. But it is so worth walking the path if only to learn who I truly am.

Ruby2

My husband could have written your post. I'm the one having a hard time getting over the past actions but so far as my situation, my husband is still active in his addiction and wants me to trust him at day 1. I'd be insane to do that.

This will take time. It's still very very early in recovery for you . It also depends on how many times you've cycled in and out of recovery and relapse. For me, I'd just be starting to trust my husband after months of him being sober and he'd relapse. Going back to the same old same old. So now honestly, I don't know that I'll ever trust him but that's just me.

So. What do you do?. It's in living well. And doing the right thing and having patience with yourself, the process AND your wife. By the way, I am an alcoholic. Not just married to one.

As you go along, your wife will see changes, not just you saying you've changed. Actions DO speak louder than words. If you say you're going to do something, do it. Follow through with promises. If you have to trudge through the day, you trudge.

And again, be patient. I can't emphasize that enough. You're alright. You can do it. Just keep up the good work. And it is work. Congratulations for getting this far.

Anna

As others have said, it will take time. And, in fact, it may never go back to exactly where it was. The relationship may become much better, but it may be different than what you experienced in the past. I agree that it's not okay to live with someone who doesn't trust you and believe in you, but as others have said, time is what is needed. Stay on course and allow your wife to see you are changing every day.

EndGameNYC

The problem with saying "Im sorry," getitright, is that the damage has already been done. And, in my case, it was considerable. After a time, people just don't want to hear about it anymore. I was told that all I did was talk about making things better while I was drinking, but I never did anything to make things right. It's often difficult to take in the truth, no less to be confronted with it.

I want to say that making amends at fifty six days would not have worked for me. I'm aware that there are groups that impose a crash course in doing the Twelve Steps, but I was much too fragile in early recovery, both times I got sober, to have reached out to people I'd harmed while I was drinking. I imagine that I would have been deeply wounded had I not gotten the kinds of responses that I wanted, and I came to learn that, at the very least, my expectations were unrealistic.

Working through the Steps, and practicing them in the prescribed order, is sound psychology, but time is also important. I needed to confront my alcoholism and my drinking behaviors in order to gain strength before I was able reach out to other people in any helpful or meaningful way. Added to that, making amends was a major shift and a major change for me, and not at all similar to saying "I'm sorry."

Sobriety is not what we say, but what we do. And it's about what we do over long-term. Anyone can show progress for a few days, weeks, and even months at a time. But trust is the first thing we lose, and the last thing we get back, if ever. Trampling over other people's good will, and doing it continuously, is a major betrayal. And, in the end, there is nothing we can do to restore another person's trust in us fully.

I worked very hard to get to a place where I accepted that I did a great deal of damage in my relationship when I was drinking. My XGF was not mean or selfish, and she tried very hard to keep things together until she could no longer do it. And this is a woman who is also a clinical psychologist for whom one of her areas of expertise is addictions. The worst part, as I came to learn, is that her anger wasn't the worst part; it was her indifference. My being so very sorry for what I'd done since I've gotten sober will not heal her. My making both personal and financial amends will not heal her. What's important is that I do these things because they're the right things to do. I seriously doubt that I would have made any meaningful progress without having done (and continuing to do) them.

My X never "came back," we never speak, and I have every reason to believe that she's moved on with her life. But then, so have I.

You need to eliminate this negative prediction in order to remain sane and sober:

Don't use this as a reason/excuse to start drinking again. It happens a lot.

If you take care of yourself, work hard to make meaningful changes in your thinking and behavior, and accept that your wife was also damaged by your drinking, then there's no reason that things can't improve with time.

Centered3

People don't want to hear "I'm sorry" more than once. They want us to understand and verbalize how what we did affected them and made them feel. They want to see change. To amend, is to change.

Does your sponsor think you're ready for your amends with your wife? Some sponsors have us do easy ones first.

uncorked

I don't do AA so let's look at it from a practical perspective. Not sure how many times you've quit and relapsed and all that...but it will probably take some time for your wife to come around. That said, her continually bringing up the past and going on and on about what you did won't help your relationship, either. You can't redo the past, you can only live in the present. That's all we have, ever. You've apologized, you've acknowledged her pain and hurt...you don't need to keep doing so. Show her through your actions. She's probably looking for a guarantee of sorts but no one can offer that about anything. Life is bumpy and complicated and messy, drinking or no. I think a lot of people -- me included -- think that once you stop drinking, problems go away.

IvanMike

The entire post was spot-on, but this jumped out at me.

It took me three years with the guidance and direction of my sponsor to go through the 12 steps in a formal manner. I did my first "formal" 9th step amends with a little over two years clean.

A lot had changed in those two years. I hadn't used. I stopped engaging in a host of other behaviors, and I had remained "abstinent" from them for some time. Other less endearing character traits were still present, but the frequency, intensity, and duration were all diminished.

I had taken a good look at myself and I had gotten input from some people with more experience, and from people that were not me! (Often we are blind to our good and bad qualities because we are right in the thick of it, so to speak). I had become willing to stop holding on to my flawed ways of acting, and I was willing to try a different approach to life. My perspectives had begun to change.

Step 8 was the one where I dragged my heels the most. There were some people that I simply wasn't willing to make amends to, and there were others where I was frightened to face the damage that I had caused. With guidance I learned to step back and own responsibility for my actions. I was also able to face the damage I had caused to others because I simply wasn't doing those things any longer - not only had I changed, but I had persevered in that new way of life. I could look in the mirror, and I could sleep at night.

By the time I "formally" hit step 9, the others were already a part of my life. To be honest, all twelve were in some degree. I had already been making amends for a long time. - I was clean, and my behaviors had changed. When I made my first amends, (which my sponsor had me do to my first wife of all people - talk about uncomfortable!) telling her that I knew that she didn't deserve the things that I did and the man that I became weren't just words. They were backed up by consistent action. Not only that, but the fact that her reaction wasn't exactly stellar was less earthshaking. Her forgiveness wasn't important, cleaning up my side of the street was. (I'm still paying her back for kids college tuition). I also had two years of being a different person under my belt. I knew I wasn't the same person any longer, and I had produced evidence of this over time, so regardless of her reaction, I knew who I was now.

You just don't get that in 56 days.

MIRecovery

56 days is less than two months. How many years did she put up with your alcoholism?

jseattle

If you are that far in steps in 56 days you are probably going too fast. Making amends is a very very tricky one. Have you read about what it is and is not in the BB? I'm not even on step 1 yet and I'm at 2 + months.