Katetheo

So since my last post, things haven't got an rosier and I've done nothing to action my leaving but I think I may have to tomorrow.

I apologise for being so lame at responding to everyone's words of support. I'm struggling with extreme tiredness at the moment and when I'm not out with my dog, abf is home although he's fallen asleep on the settee tonight.

Anyway abf received a letter in the post today from a local addiction service. The police have referred him and he's NOT happy.

About 5 days ago we had a row because he wanted me to drive him to collect some fishing traps he'd left at 9pm. I said it was too late and we hadn't eaten yet. So he went off in a huff to get them on foot and I stupidly went to collect him (at about 10pm) and found him with a can so I made my way back to my car with the intention of going to my folks with doggy. He then started to follow me as if to say you are not taking the dog so I ran into a shop and asked a bloke to escort me to my car and he kindly did. Abf tried to grab doggy off me and as a result his collar was getting tight around his neck so I started shouting to let go. I managed to get doggy free and put him in the car and shut the door not before he tried to get him back out. There were several witnesses and one called the police. Police came and asked us separately what had happened. I know abf said it was a misunderstanding, I said what happened. Apparently though the witness said he was kicking the dog and hurting me....which did NOT happen, although I did tell the officer he had punched him a few weeks ago. As is their policy we had to be separated for the night so I said I'd go to my folks but abf insisted he'd go to a hotel. The police and I tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. So I went home & abf turned up an hour later. I shouldn't have stayed but I was in shock and wanted peace.

So now the letter has arrived, abf is going to the police station tomorrow to ask why they have referred him and I'm soooooo worried they are going to say what I've said. Plus that I've spoken to them twice before which he doesn't know about and that I've told them he's an alcoholic. He's going to be soooo angry and I'm s******g myself. But I don't see why I should protect him from his behaviour. If there are never any consequences he will never learn plus if he's being offered support is that a bad thing. I know this rationally but he won't understand and it's forced support which I know won't work.

I'm now in two minds...just wait and see what happens or call the police first thing and ask them myself so that I'm prepared. I'm hoping if they do reveal I've said something that he calls me to yell at me rather than wait until he gets home so then I'm not around him.

I did ask the police to not tell him what I've said and they said they wouldn't but I have a horrid feeling they will!!!

dandylion

katetheo....take doggy and go to your parents!
I fear that both you AND doggy are in a verry...very...dangerous situation!

Put your and your dog's safety first....

dandylion

amy55

I think sometimes, (well actually all the time) you should leave the responsibility of the consequences to the person who deserves it.

I was stuck in my marriage like I was on the hamster wheel. It was always around and around we go again. It was always all my fault. I needed to jump off of that wheel and let him suffer the consequences. Yes, I agree with dandy, get yourself and your dog out of there. Go to your parents. Don't hang around for him to abuse you anymore. You are walking on eggshells.

((((((hugs))))))
amy

AnvilheadII

HE PUNCHED YOUR DOG!!!!!!! get away from this man, NOW. he's not worth breathing the same air as you or your dog do.

SparkleKitty

Both you and your doggy deserve better.

LexieCat

Call your local women's shelter and talk to an advocate about how to handle this. Someone might be able to go to the police station with you. In any event, you need to stay safe, and you need some safety planning.

Hugs, and please be careful.

Katetheo

I know what you are all saying and you are so so right....get out.

But I'm just worried about today at the moment, what the police will reveal and how he's going to react. I woke this morning with dreadful anxiety and I keep saying out loud s**t s**t s**t. I know he has to deal with the consequences and so he should but he will blame me and I imagine it's not going to be nice what comes out of his mouth. Maybe the police won't involve me, and I will have been worrying for nothing, I hope so.

I'm having a bone scan this morning so am glad to be having this slight distraction for an hour or so xx

LexieCat

Well, if you are a necessary witness to anything, chances are what you said will be in a police report, and he will get those reports as part of trial preparation, most likely.

You don't have to panic. You can't PREVENT the police from disclosing that information, but you can plan for your safety--and an advocate would be very helpful for that. If you are afraid of him, you might be eligible for some kind of protective order (or stay-away order). You won't know until you ask.

Hope your scan goes well.

Hugs,

maia1234

Kate,
The cops know the type of man abf is, just from his actions. I am sure all those witnesses reported everything and then some. I am sure the cops smelled alcohol on his breath, they are not stupid. You do not need to take any responsibility for his actions. Us codies alway feel we need to "cover" up for our addicts. Please step back and out of his way and let things happen the way they are suppose too.

I also feel that you need get out. I think weeks ago we stressed this to you, that you and your doggies safety are the utmost important thing. Please pack and leave this man. He is unstable and he is no longer your responsibility. You can not help him anymore. Be selfish and move to a safe place with family that loves you. I know you think you can handle him, but addicts do wacky things and are unpredictable, you do not know what he will do next. Please don't take any chances, you are loved and so is your innocent doggie. Please get out and don't look back.

Sending you strength, prayers and support to you this independence day weekend, my friend!!!!

FireSprite

((((Hugs)))) Kate. It sounds to me like regardless of whether the cops mention your involvement or not, he's not going to be happy about any of this. It doesn't sound like you'll be any safer there no matter who he is angry with.....maybe the best thing you can do no matter what is to be thinking about what your next steps should be. I hope your scan goes well!

redatlanta

Perhaps it may be best to find a place for your dog to stay for a while. Your drunk seems to like to abuse the animal when he gets angry - for that matter it may be best that you go with, and never look back.

A couple weeks ago you had made a plan to leave, you were going to leave the day after he punched your dog in the face. Do you still have that plan in place? No point in stressing over what you can't control, and what is not your fault. He is in this situation because of himself and no other. I don't think he will see it that way, nor do I think he cares or is intimidated by the police. He was told to leave you alone for a night instead, within an hour, he was back at home.

Please be prepared to leave if you need to, or just go ahead and go somewhere for your, and your dog's safety. You deserve better - lots of (((hugs))) and hope your scan goes well.

hopeful4

Sweetie...even if it's just for a day or two, go stay elsewhere with your dog and give yourself some space and peace.

Thing is, you have only told the truth. Reality...it makes an addict very mad when you don't cover up their bad behaviors. Reality...you don't have to stick around for his anger. So even if it's just for today, give yourself some respite.

Many hugs.

AnvilheadII

it's sad that your own health concerns seems pushed aside and diminished here in favor of worrying what HE is going to say, think, feel or do. a bone scan is not a distraction, it's a very serious event in YOUR life.

Katetheo

Thanks all for your best wishes for my scan. It was nice and simple and should know results in a few weeks. I was diagnosed with osteoporosis when I was 18 but luckily my last scan a few years ago revealed I now have osteopenia which is a great improvement

I know everyone is so right and if a friend was telling me the same story I'd say exactly what you all are saying to me.

I have my escape plan pretty sorted (I hope). I have somewhere to go, I have all my paperwork in one place to grab easily and my dogs paperwork is already at my folks. I know what the DV services can offer me when I leave & the police have assured me I can call them too. The only thing I think I need to do is get some legal advise on my housing situation which I will do asap. Just hope I find the strength to go soon.

Turns out though that abf didn't pay police a visit today and went fishing instead. He was so adamant last night he was going today (it's now 8pm UK time) so I'm not sure why the change of heart as he's not mentioned it. I'm sure I will hear of it again but for now I feel a lot calmer which I'm thankful for and I plan to watch on Netflix tonight a vet program I love for some 'me time'

Ariesagain

Can your parents care for your dog to protect him?

My concern is that as your ABF continues to deteriorate, he knows that you care very deeply for your dog and it's too easy for him to target your dog when he wants to lash out at you. He's done it before, several times, which in my world view makes him irredeemable, but that's me.

If you can't or won't leave right now, for whatever reason, please protect that dog.

AnvilheadII

Going Fishing is another way to say Going DRINKING. which was his choice instead of going to the police......pretty easy to see how that choice was made!!!! it seemed like a big deal in YOUR head, but not his.....

you seem to not GET the level of danger both you and your poor dog are really in......the man is violent, and anyone that can harm an animal will have NO PROBLEM b when it comes to people. you are a sitting duck my dear.....i strongly urge you to leave with the little strength you feel you have NOW, before you are too injured to make it to the door. and no, i'm NOT being overly dramatic............

Berrybean

I'm glad you have a plan in place. But remember, a plan is only as good as the actions we're willing to take to a make sure they come to fruition. It sounds to me like you have a great escape plan, but are still a sitting duck. Instead of taking responsibility for him, please take responsibility for yourself and get that plan of yours in action.

Hawkeye13

You realize he might really hurt or kill your dog to hurt you?
And that you might get seriously injured or killed yourself, especially
if you are trying to protect your dog?

What if nobody had been there to help you when he tried to get the dog before?

I agree with others--you don't seem to get how dangerous this is for both you
and your animal friend.

The closest I've ever come to a serious physical fight with an ex-alcoholic boyfriend
was when he was drunk, angry at me, and said he was going to kill my dog.
I had to grab a baseball bat and swing it back ready to use it to protect the dog
and it could have very very EASILY ended in terrible violence.

I know now I should have taken the dog and left when the first warning signs came,
but I foolishly thought I could "manage" my drunk.
Very stupid idea on my part.

You may think you won't come to that, but things happen you never could expect
as alcoholism and anger grow. . .
Get the dog and yourself out, and don't be alone with this person.